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You only cry for help if you believe there's help to cry for and I didn't I wasn't born in this country. I
Have a mixed-race background and I'm gay
Growing up. I was a target
speaking the right way
standing the right way
Holding your wrist the right way
every day was a test and
there were a thousand ways to fail a
thousand ways to betray yourself
And when you failed the test, which was guaranteed
There was a price to pay
emotional
psychological
Physical and like many of you I paid that price
more than once in a variety of ways
Like many of you here tonight. I grew up in what I would call
Survival mode
when you're in survival mode your focus is on getting through the day in one piece and
When you're in that mode at 5 at 10 at 15
There isn't a lot of space for words like
community
for words like us and
we
there's only space for I and
me in
Fact words like us and we not only sounded foreign to me at 5 and 10 and 15. They sounded like a lie
Because if us and we really existed if there was really someone out there watching and listening and caring
Then I would have been rescued by now
The first time I tried to kill myself. I was 15. I
Waited until my family went away for the weekend and I was alone in the house
and then I swallowed a bottle of pills I
Don't remember what happened over the next couple of days, but I'm pretty sure come Monday morning. I was on the bus back to school
Pretending everything was fine. And when someone asked me if that was a cry for help I say no
Because I told no one
You only cry for help if you believe there's help to cry for and I didn't I want it out
I and me can be a lonely place and
It will only get you so far
That feeling of being singular and different and alone
Carried over into my 20s and into my 30s when I was 33
I started working on a TV show that was successful not only here in the States, but also abroad
Which meant over the next four years. I was traveling to Asia to the Middle East to Europe and
everywhere in between and
In that time I gave thousands of interviews
I had multiple opportunities to speak my truth
Which is that I was gay
but I chose not to
Asked to choose between being out of integrity and out of the closet. I
chose the former I
chose to lie I
chose to dissemble
Because when I thought about the possibility of coming out about how that might impact me and the career I'd worked so hard for
I was filled with fear
Fear and anger and a stubborn resistance that had built up over many years
When I thought about that kid somewhere out there who might be inspired or moved by me taking a stand and speaking my truth
my mental response was
consistently
No, thank you. I
Thought I've spent over a decade
building this career
alone
by myself and
from a certain point of view
It's all I have
But now I'm supposed to put that at risk
To be a role model to someone I've never met who I'm not even sure exists
That didn't make any sense to me
That did not resonate
at the time
By 2011 I'd made the decision to walk away from acting and many of the things I'd previously believed to so important
To me and after I'd given up the scripts and the sets which I dreamed of as a child and the resulting attention and scrutiny
Which I had not dreamed of as a child
The only thing I was left with
was what I had when I started I
mean and
It was not enough
Several weeks ago when I was drafting my letter to the st. Petersburg International Film Festival
Declining their invitation to attend a small nagging voice in my head insisted that no one would notice
But no one was watching or listening or caring
but this time
Finally, I knew that voice was wrong. I
thought if even one person notices
this letter in which I speak my truth and
Integrate my small story into a much larger and more important one is worth sending. I
Thought let me be to someone else
What no one was to me
Let me send a message to that kid maybe in America
Maybe someplace far overseas
maybe somewhere deep inside a
Kid who's being targeted at home or at school or in the streets that someone is watching and listening and caring
That there is an us that there is a we and that kid or teenager or adult is loved and
They are not alone
Thank you
