Infertility & Friendships: Tips for Staying Connected

hi guys welcome to my shop here we are I drove here 1 hour to uh have a Meetup for moms of babies 0 to 12 months and not a single mom came that's that's okay that's the nature of what I do sometimes we have meetups and the whole shop is full and it's so fun and also a little overwhelming cuz that's a lot of noise and then yeah sometimes nobody comes when I first opened the shop a year ago was it a year ago yeah about the first few months of meetups it was either me alone or me with this one other mom who lived across the street and she would walk over a lot of times without her baby and she would have coffee with me and it was so cute it wasn't like she knew me she didn't know me at all she didn't know I had a YouTube channel this Mom needed a reason to leave the house I gave her a reason and so she came twice a week every week until more mom started coming and she still comes and now her little girl's a toddler and it's so fun uh but yeah I know that this is part of the process and I just decided since I'm here and I'm by myself maybe I could use this as an opportunity to talk to you about something that's been on my mind and I really would love your input so this is very much like please comment please respond let's talk about this because people aren't talking about it and it's something that affects all of us and it has been a surprise of my adult life it's basically this dynamic between two women one of them is able to have babies pretty easily and the other is struggling with fertility issues and this could be between best friends close friends sisters co-workers um what else do you see at sister-in-laws it's a real thing it's it's so sensitive and I want to talk about it because I just had no idea how incredibly sensitive this is but I had a family member who was struggling with fertility and we were out to coffee and I had Eloise and Eloise was what 1 year old 2 years old and thankfully I still had closeness with this woman this person I'm not going to tell who it is because I think she would want privacy anyway um but she was so open with me about how everything in her life felt triggering and it was like she didn't mean to be triggered she didn't mean to feel pain all the time but she she said that she would get on her phone even like the Bible app she'd be reading the Bible which is like oh that's wholesome that seems like couldn't go south and then inside of the Bible app would pop an advertisement for the Bible app for kids and she would be reminded again that her body isn't making kids it's she's trying and it's not happening um she would say like social media was a huge trigger which I feel like no surprise there social media can really rub us the wrong way when we really don't want that um yeah that she cared so deeply for her loved ones who were having babies but that it could be really hard for her and painful to see us post pictures or even like um so now speaking of a different woman in my life another friend of mine who was struggling with fertility said that sometimes it would feel bad for her if she would hear a mom talking about how challenging motherhood was because that was her dream so it felt like they were complaining about something that was actually a dream come true even though she could rationalize and know that once she arrives to Motherhood whenever that time would be for her motherhood would likely be hard and she would likely need a place to go to be able to process those challenges and so yeah they're carrying around this heartache and also they're loving reasonable people who want to be able to celebrate their sisters and friends and co-workers for having babies it's just so painful so then you've got the other side you've got those of us who are getting pregnant really easily those of us who like me had a surprise pregnancy and immediately are feeling guilty like how in the world is this even fair how did I get pregnant when I wasn't trying to while this these other people who are very close to me who would be so much better moms than me honestly some of these women in my life who struggled with fertility I was like how could this even be possible you were made to be a mother nobody doubts that you were made for this uh so then you got those of us who are pregnant and going like okay do we talk about it do we tell you how do we tell you and do you not like it if we post about it are we allowed to get excited how excited can we be and so we're all just sort of walking on eggshells around each other trying not to hurt each other's feelings but also feeling a whole bunch of feelings because if we're walking through infertility there's a whole bunch of emotions that are going to go along with that and if we are pregnant or partum our hormones are going nutso and it's a lot of feelings a lot of feelings and I guess I bring this to you because recently in our shop we were having a conversation about this about some of the women in in this shop that I H host I host Gatherings throughout the week for moms some of them struggled with fertility issues and and used different treatments and IVF and IUI and all kinds of things to get pregnant so they really know what it's like to go through that and then others in here got pregnant when they didn't even want to didn't even mean to and so we were having a really candid conversation about that and it made me realize that perhaps one of the first steps towards peace and like being okay is just talking about it just talking about how hard it is how confusing it is how painful it is because if we can at least identify that it exists maybe we can make some progress in it now we are uh familiar with this feeling of wanting what someone else has already or of having what we know someone else wants right um maybe you went through it with marriage or long-term partnership we've got some of us who really really longed for that and felt like we couldn't find it maybe we still feel like we can't find a partner and then others who seem to have like stumbled into love and are like whoa how did this happen to me so fast and how did I find my person person and the tension there maybe we wanted a dream job and then we saw one of our loved ones got a dream job and their life looks pretty dreamy and we're over here being like how do I be happy for you when I am so unhappy for me um we do it with what body image we do it with homes we're like ah I really want to make my house beautiful and nice and then we watch somebody I don't know inherit a house that's really amazing or inherit a bunch of money or just make a bunch of money um this what's a small scale version of this struggling financially and then somebody near you is doing really awesome financially and you're feeling like I want to celebrate you and I want to hide and plug my ears and close my eyes and pretend none of this is happening because comparison is painful so we know that this is a part of our life the one revolving around having kids or struggling to have kids or even surrendering our desire to have kids and accepting life as it is I think that's particularly painful I think that's one of the most painful versions of what I just described to you because it is so deeply personal and it has to do with the future and it has to do with what you thought your life would be and so in surrendering this desire you're having to surrender everything you thought your life would be and that's a really big deal um so all of that to say Where Do We Begin then if we are trying to maintain a relationship with somebody who is pregnant and we're not or is not pregnant and we are what do we do I made some notes before this because it's hard to say but I think one of the places we could begin is by assuming love of the other person if this is somebody that we want really relationship with or we've had really good relationship with or we are going to continue having a relationship with them because maybe they're our sister-in-law or our sister and so they're going to be in our life even if we don't particularly like it one of the best things we can do for ourselves even is to assume love about them because very naturally we are going to assume the worst especially if they hurt our feelings in some capacity maybe they got pregnant they know we've been struggling to and then they made this big bold pregnancy announcement online and it felt insensitive in some way I don't know I'm just I'm just saying whatever um or maybe we are we are with our baby and we are feeling hurt because our sister in-law or our sister or our friend is not calling to check on us and she's not doing it because she wishes she had a baby but that feels painful to us because we're like well what the heck if you had a baby I would want to check on you and you used to check on me why does this have to change everything why can't both be true and so assuming love would look like instead of being like they are they are mean they are insensitive they are rude they are suddenly self-absorbed it's going no no no they are probably hurting and beyond that I don't really know what they are but I'm going to assume that they love me and so therefore I'm not going to immediately judge their character and I'm not immediately going to shut down their relationship I'm going to look for another way to proceed and the best way to sort through these yucky feelings might be like journaling or going for a walk or talking it through with a wise person maybe a therapist maybe your husband or your partner or your mom I don't know I don't know who in your life is the voice of reason like your Yoda I've never actually seen Star Wars but last night Wilson was looking at a book about Star Wars and they talked about how Yoda was the wise person so perhaps you have a wise person that you could process some of your feelings with but what I'm specifically talking about is how do you preserve a relationship with somebody when you've got these two Dynamics going on because some people in your life you might actually be pretty comfortable being like I don't need to stay friends with you we weren't that close anyway and your life is really making my life so painful and then you go okay cool well it's probably not going to cause any harm to take distance and whatever I'm not talking about those relationships I'm talking about the relationships you want to keep keep but you're feeling Unsure how to do that and so the first thing we want to do is assume love assume the best of them assume that they might be uh struggling in some capacity they might be spread thin they might be busy they might not have realized that what they did hurt our feelings so we're assuming the best of them the next thing we're doing is looking for an opportunity to communicate our feelings with them and that's really hard and really scary and we ALS were like but I'm so spread thin I've got so much going on how am I going to take the time to do this well you're going to because it's important to you and because it's important to who you want to be you want to be a good friend you want to be a good sister I know that about you I know that you are the type of person who wants to leave like I don't know a legacy sounds so big but like you want people to reflect on your life as like she was a good friend she was a love she was really kind she was empathetic and caring that's who you are and so it's stepping outside of your discomfort to go okay I'm gonna prioritize a conversation how do you have a conversation about your feelings you say I feel you don't have to say like you are this you make me feel this you could just say I feel sad when I see you do this or that or I feel like you don't care about me or I feel can you say that yeah I feel like you don't care about me versus you don't care about me cuz you don't care about me is a conclusion that you've come to and it may or may not be accurate but the feeling is I feel like you don't care about me when you do this thing or I feel like you forgot about me or I feel really sad I feel really alone and then another good question to ask or a way to frame something is can you help me understand what you meant when you said this or can you help me understand what you felt when I posted this thing and you blocked me um can you help me sorry I'm just being dramatic I am not meaning to laugh at something serious but um yeah can you help me understand what you felt because a lot of times we just think we know what they felt we we think other people are simple and we think we are very complicated we have so many layers and so many feelings but we think them over there pretty black and white pretty clear they've known me this long they should know that I don't like this this and I do like that well no thanks because that's just not life you are so great you are so well-meaning but you still hurt people's feelings sometimes and it's important to be aware of ourselves enough to be like oh yeah I did do that sorry about that I didn't mean to I wasn't trying to and the same can go for your friend or sister or a loved one she just might not have a clue that what she did felt really bad to you and so you want to kind of understand was there something to understand about why she did that or maybe it's just as simple as being like it really hurts me when you do that is is what can we do about that and then it could be going forward like okay well what do you need and for the one who is struggling with fertility stuff it might be like I need to just be able to tell you that sometimes I'm struggling and I need to kind of cry at random moments but I also really need to love your baby I really need to be around your baby because I want to remind myself that if this can happen for you it can happen for me too it all needs to be conversation because otherwise you're trying to read each other's minds and that just doesn't work and it never goes well and we usually read wrong because we can't read minds that's just how it goes um okay so assuming love creating an opportunity for communication just reminding yourself what is true on a regular basis and I kind of alluded to that in this last thing I said where I said um being around you reminds me that if it can happen for you it can happen for me this goes for everything in life that we want that we watch other people have it's a healthy way to think instead of being like in this scarcity mentality where we're like oh my gosh well if something good happened for them there's less good things to happen for me which is weird anyway cuz that's not how life works but to be able to remind ourselves like okay for one I can handle this whatever it is I can handle raising my baby while my friend needs her space or I can handle not having a baby yet while my friend has her baby I also can remind myself and even like sometimes I pray this I don't know what your world view is or your faith view but I sometimes will pray like thank you God for her success because if it can happen for her it can happen for me too in my own way in my own story my own version if hers can happen for her mine can happen for me too last thing I'll say is treat each other the way you want to be treated right it's going back to the Golden Rule the very simple childhood um lesson how would you want to be treated if you are not yet pregnant if you do not yet have your baby it's going to be really hard to lean into these feelings because you are in a tough spot and you're grieving and when we are hurting it is so hard to get Beyond it um a picture that I have for this type of pain is like if you are sunburned you're sunburned but nobody else knows maybe you're sunburned but you're wearing a long sleeve shirt okay imagine that and then somebody comes to you and they give you a big hug and you go ow that really hurt me and and they go uh what do you mean I was just giving you a hug you have a wound you have something inside of you that is causing you grief it is a sense of loss right but it is not visible to other people and only the ones who really know your heart are going to know that you are in pain right now that everywhere you go it is a reminder of the thing you don't yet have that is super complicated and it's hard to explain and you need a few people in your life who get it but what's going to make this even trickier is that some of the people in your life who really want to get it they might already be having babies and so for you you're having to be like okay well I'm in pain so I'm I'm secretly sunburned and so the normal things that make me feel loved as a friend like my friend who's having her baby inviting me to everything showing me photos getting excited normally that would feel so good like normally a hug would feel good but when you're sunburned it doesn't when you're hurting and you're grieving the fact that you don't have your baby yet everything that your friend does is going to naturally hurt you and so what you're wanting to do is figure out how can I be loved and give love while still kind of healing from this painful thing that's going on and so what that could look like is asking yourself how would I want to be celebrated if I was having my baby because we're trusting that at some point you will get to be celebrated in the way that you desire so then it's leaning into that enough to be like okay I'm going to celebrate my friend I'm going to do what I can to be the Auntie that I want to be and I'm also going to give myself space emotionally to process and heal and be okay and maybe this would be a good opportunity to get a therapist or have a support group or or even just connect deeply with other friends who aren't yet in that stage of life so that you still feel like you're being carried while you're also doing such an amazing job to help your friend as she becomes a mom or has another baby and for your friend what she's going to need too is to know from you how can she love you well what would feel good would it feel good that you sometimes go hang out and you don't really talk about baby stuff and like maybe there's a balance there or maybe maybe you do like talking about baby stuff but she just needs to know that sometimes you're going to cry and feel sad and it's not a personal thing against her it's just a very real part of the process you're in it's all okay um but asking both of you guys how can you treat the other person the way you would want to be treated that's super important whether you are the one who is having the babies or the one who is not yet having your babies the human stuff is true so getting rest staying hydrated eating nourishing food having a social life having a spiritual life what can happen when we're struggling actually it can kind of happen anytime is we make another person our source for everything like we put too many of our needs in the hands of another person and really it could be healthier if we sort of spread our needs out and we get some needs met over here and some needs met over here and we've got this person who helps us feel full in this way and this person we love to help them and that also feels good spreading out these different ways that you get nourished so that it doesn't put too much pressure on this one relationship that is more fragile right now it's not going to stay fragile in time in like a decade everything's going to be totally different honestly everything could be different in N9 months right but in a decade for sure things are going to be different and if this is a relationship that matters to you then what we're trying to do is get through through this really hard sensitive time so that we can get to the other side and find out that this journey together actually strengthened our relationship and then we can all be the old ladies who like love each other and take pictures and are so cute and everybody's like their goals I want to be like them when I'm older you know because it's so important and friendship is so so important um relationships siblings all of it it's all important what are we if we don't have relationship so yeah that's as much as I have to say on the topic right now I hope that it came across with a lot of love and care because I really do love and care for you and and care about this topic I would love to hear your thoughts so please do leave comments whether this um speaks to you in any way if you've been inside of this situation if you have guidance for anybody else based on what you've experienced I would love to hear from you and I just appreciate you so much if you are um looking for more support you can join our community very goodmothers club.com and um uh yeah I just think you're great and it's not easy what you're going through and I look forward to connecting with you more okay thanks for being here with me bye