Why we can’t stop being the “good girl” .. even as moms.

Hi guys, welcome back to my channel. You're looking so good today. I missed you. We had summer break and I was not on top of making content, but I was thinking a lot about how I could encourage you in this new season of my life where all three of my kids are in elementary school. Jouelzy started kindergarten this week and I thought it would be fun if we hang out once a week and do sort of like a mom meeting where we get our head in the game, where we talk through things like identity, relationships, parenthood, work, career, our bodies, aging, like literally whatever's on our mind that week. I'm going to bring some perspective. I'm going to hopefully encourage you, not hopefully, no, I commit. I will be encouraging you. Okay. But then I'll also be answering questions that people submit via the DMs. So if you want to message me or email me, I will answer your situation because what we know about life and motherhood is if you're going through it, somebody else is going through it too. And my favorite way to do this is when it's actually relational. I love when I'm actually talking to someone, really encouraging you in your literal life, not just this idea of an audience, but I love to know my audience. So if you want more support, if you want one-on-one coaching, if you want to join Very Good Mother's Club, that's our online coaching community. I lead calls there every single Tuesday. And then we throughout the year do these cohorts where we take small groups of women and do virtual coaching for eight weeks. If you're interested in any of that, you can always email me or you can use the link below to get more information, but I would love to actually support you in motherhood. Okay. So today's video is inspired by a coaching call we did this week in Very Good Mother's Club. It's all about that tendency that you have, that I have to be the good girl, to do the thing that we think someone else wants. Even if it costs us our peace of mind or our wellbeing or our health, we have a tendency to overextend ourselves and get out of alignment where our outer world and our inner world don't always operate with integrity. And I don't mean moral integrity. I mean like they're not integrated with one another. So I had a situation with Eloise, my 11-year-old this past weekend. I knew this call was coming with Very Good Mother's Club. So I already had it on my mind. And then Eloise had just hung out with her best friends from school. These are like her besties since first grade. She loves them so much and they hadn't seen each other all summer. And she was telling me that something weird happened. She's like, Mom, I did something weird. My friends asked me my opinions on things, like what's my favorite song or what's my favorite dessert? And she said, and even though I have been listening to a lot of the music from In The Heights, it's a musical she loves, or like, even though I love mango sticky rice, I just stay quiet. I don't tell them. I just act like I don't have a favorite. And she said, it's weird. I do it because I think maybe they won't like those things. And so instead of telling them the truth, I just don't tell them anything. She said, it's so weird because they're my best friends. Like I love them, but I'm afraid that we won't be best friends if we don't like the same things. She's 11. And then it reminded me that I had a similar conversation with my son when he was six. He turned seven this summer, but last year, towards the end of the year, there was a situation at school and one of the students in his class had to leave the school for doing something that you can't do in a school. And so my son was telling me that that boy was actually his friend. He's like, I really liked that guy. And he said, but at school, I can't say that I liked him because a lot of my friends don't like him and they won't like me if I like him. And he was saying it to me like, you know, clearly conflicted by this because he didn't want to do that. Um, okay. That's not unique to kids. That's the same thing you and I face all the time. We have this friction, this tension between being who we authentically are and having the actual thoughts and opinions that exist inside of our bodies and minds. We have that. And then we have a very strong desire to be connected to other people, right? We have a need, like a biological need for connection and attachment. And when you're little attachment is how you survive, right? So you need to be attached to your caregivers, your parents, siblings, whoever to keep you alive as a kid. So you learn that it is vital to maintain connection, even if you are no longer authentic, right? Even if you don't tell people what you really think, what you really feel, as long as you maintain harmony in your environment, as long as people like you, as long as people want to be around you, you'll survive. As you get older, there is a real sense of misalignment when you start to feel like a chameleon in different environments, right? So you go to one place and you're with one group of people and you act a certain way. And maybe you've got this kind of personality or these things about you that are showcased in this environment. And then you go over here to these people and you're a little different. And what I will say is some of that's a skill set. I don't think all of that's bad. I actually think that is a skill that will take you very far professionally and socially. If you can be around a variety of people, if you know how to get along, make friends, listen, be quiet. Sometimes you don't have to share all of your opinions with the people who can't handle them. That's a skill. Where it gets murky is when it enters into our personal life so much that we lose sense of who we actually are, right? Like we don't know where we start and where we finish. We don't know what we really think we, or we do know what we really think. And we know that the people closest to us don't agree, but we don't feel like we can say it because it might cost us relationship with them. That gets very confusing, right? And so we brought this topic to Very Good Mothers Club on Tuesday. I had two different coaching calls. I always have two different coaching calls. So if you want to join, there's one early in the morning that's easier for the European moms to join. And then we have one midday, which actually some of the European moms still join that one too. Anyway, I brought it to the crew there and I was just like, Hey, okay, I'm telling you this story about my daughter and telling you the story about my son. Where do you see this affect your life? Got a variety of answers. Okay. Some of us see it when we try to parent our children in front of our own parents. So you have maybe your mom in town, maybe she's visiting, you don't see her too often and she's there and she has a certain way of speaking to your daughter, but it's not the same way you speak to your daughter. And in moments you might find yourself wanting to step in and be like, ah, mom, that's actually not how we do this. Or like, mom, that's not how I want her to feel. Um, an example someone gave was like, if the little girl is crying because she doesn't want something and then someone says, a grandparent says, oh, well you can't do that if you're sad. And then the mom is like, well, no, being sad is not the problem. I don't want her to learn that she can't be sad. She's definitely allowed to be sad. It's more like the tantrum is what we're trying to figure out. Like some of these conflicting ideas around how you talk to your children and what this person was saying in the community was like, it's hard for me because I still want my mom's approval, but this is really high stakes, right? Like I want to get it right with my own kids. I, I feel like this is so important. I love my children. And, and also what I'll add, and what I did add to this person was also we're new at this. Like when you have a two-year-old or a four-year-old or even an 11-year-old, you're only 11 years into doing this. You're only two years in, maybe you have a one-year-old, like you're so fresh and new at parenting. Even if you have four kids, you're new to parenting four kids. So there's the element of like, this is new for me. Also, this feels like the most important thing in the world, me getting parenting right. Also, I want my own parents to approve of me, or I want my in-laws to approve of me. It feels like a lot of pressure in one situation. And there is a sense that we need to, maybe for the first time ever, speak up for ourselves, speak up and say, no, actually I think this because I don't want this to go wrong. I want to do it the way that I really believe is best for my children. Another mom in the community said that she sees this play out when she's trying to impress someone. And she's like, it's a weird thing because sometimes I don't even really like the person I'm doing it to, but I'm trying to get a person to like me or approve of me. She said, especially if it's a person who is in some realm of like authority or someone who is cool. I've had this, there's a mom group in LA that I sometimes get invited to go hang out with and they're not always very nice to me, but they are very cool. And some of them are famous and there is, I mean, some of them are really nice. I don't want to paint the whole picture as not so nice, but I have had a feeling in me sometimes when I go hang out with this group of like, well, this is so weird because it's not like they're particularly likable, but I'm desperately trying to be likable. And that's weird. Why am I doing that? Because they're popular. That's not a cool way to do this. And so, so I related to that. Okay. And then another one that people said was in hospitals or medical environments. They feel like they need to be, they need to not be annoying. They need to be likable. They need to be accommodating. They need to make sure that the doctors and the nurses think they're good. And one of the moms was saying like, I actually do that because I'm afraid they're not going to take good care of me. If I annoy them in any way, then maybe they'll cancel my appointment or not give me the care that I need. And that one, I really related to, if any of you have been around since my cancer diagnosis, when I had cervical cancer, there was a period where I was not getting the care I needed. I was not getting the answers I needed. I had received a cancer diagnosis. And then it was two months before I could see an oncologist to figure out how bad was the cancer. What was my treatment going to look like? Am I going to be all right? And I had a boss of mine actually from a job, a part-time job that was working. He called me, his mom had had cancer and he said, Hey, you need to be annoying. He's like, you can be kind, but you really need to be annoying. You need to show up at the doctor's office and not leave. You need to follow up with them so much that you are annoying. And it was good that he said that I needed permission to do that. And that's really the only way that I got the care I needed. I went to the office, I went to multiple offices and I just said, I'll be here. I'll be here as long as it takes. I'll be here all day if you want, um, whatever I need to do in order to get the care that I am supposed to get. It's a messed up system that is required of us, but that really is what we learn. And a lot of times it requires a crisis before we learn how to use our voice and really step into our own, what like bodies and powers and opinions. I read a book that I love. This was like a couple of years ago. It's by Martha Beck called the way of integrity. And she talks a lot about being honest, like not being honest, not even in a morality type way. Like it's important to be honest, but being honest, being like your key to freedom, like don't pretend, don't lie. Don't downplay your needs. Um, I find that moms get really good at speaking up for themselves when it's related to their kids. Our kids have a way of helping us grow, right? So if your child has a need, you are way more inclined to speak up on their behalf, whether it's at school or at a doctor's office, or I don't know, anywhere, truly anywhere. When it comes to your own self, some of you are less inclined to do that. Some of you are big sisters. We saw a trend in BGMC that like the big sisters in the bunch, they were really raised to be the good kids, to be always reading the room and kind of checking the thermometer, the temperature, um, of everyone's personalities and feelings. And you, if you're an older sister, you might relate to this. Or if you came from a home where there were like disruptive things going on, maybe your parents didn't get along or there was alcohol or abuse or something in the house. I find that there's this really common for people who come from a background like that. You're in a place and you're trying to be present, but you're also hyper aware of everybody else and what they're doing and what they're saying and their body language. And I, for myself, I see this, if I'm in a room full of a group of people and I'm supposed to make a decision about them. Um, for example, I lived in a house where we had housemates who were also helping us with our kids. So they didn't pay rent, but they nannied for us and we did an exchange and they were the best. It was amazing. But sometimes I had to make decisions about their schedule and it was really hard for me. If I had to make a decision about their schedule, it was hard for me to do that when they were in the room and my kids were in the room, I felt like I was too aware of everyone's feelings. I needed to physically leave the room and go be alone for a minute so that I could turn off everyone else's feelings to then be like, okay, so what's the best thing for me? And it's not that I'm not smart. It's not that I'm not logical, but I am very sensitive to people's feelings. And so I don't know if any of you see yourself in that, but it's important to be aware of this because when it comes to using your voice and speaking up on behalf of your own thoughts, feelings, opinions, it's going to be harder if you're naturally more inclined to pay attention to everyone else. Um, the other thing I'll say is, oh man, this stuff is really hard when you change religions, when you change world views, when you change political parties, when you, I don't know, when you do something that is different from the core community that you have, it is very hard to speak up and say what you actually think. And one of the moms was bringing this up because she was changing religions, right? And so she was leaving her religion of origin. So her family's religion, she was leaving that to go do something else. Um, I mean, she still had similar values. She wanted to maintain relationship, but she feared that by leaving this religion, she might lose these relationships. And so she said, I haven't told my family that I no longer believe what they believe. I want you to know that there is a place in your life for privacy. Privacy is not the same thing as secrecy, like where you're hiding something and you're trying to like, I don't know, almost like maliciously, like, I don't want you to know this about me. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm saying like, you have your own family. Now you're an adult, you're going to make decisions and you're going to have feelings and thoughts and you don't owe it to everyone to tell them what's going on in you. It's really important that you have people who know you intimately, who see you and love you. Like you're going to be the healthiest version of you. If you have a circle of people who know what you actually believe about this world and love you still, or love you and agree with you. And yet if you're in a stage of life where you're like, I don't know, I don't know if my family could handle this information. You don't have to tell them yet. Like, I hope that you come to a place where they can handle it and you guys can maintain connection, even if you believe different things, but don't feel like you're a bad girl, right? We're talking about you're not a bad girl for thinking differently than the way you were raised. Especially because I know that you are really thinking these things through. And some of you are in a process. You don't fully know what you believe. And so if you invite someone into your process prematurely, that could cause a rift in the relationship. And you don't even know, like you might actually get to the end of the process and be like, Oh no, you know, it's weird. I, I think I do agree with you. But now our relationship is harmed because of that conflict that erupted in the middle of this process where you, you just might need a process to figure out what you believe. And therapists can be helpful. Coaches can be helpful. I also read that book, uh, the courage to be disliked. And it talked about how, if, if your circle, if you can no longer belong inside of your circle, for whatever reason, your circle of friends look a little further because there's another circle, like a bigger circle. You fit into, um, maybe another group in your city or in your community, or you're just part of humanity and welcome to the human experience. Like the truth is you always have a circle. You believe in art. Sorry. You always have a circle you belong to. It might just be a matter of finding them, which takes a lot of courage. And I know it's not easy, especially if you have young kids and you don't feel like yourself. And then you're going and trying to make friends with people and you don't even fully recognize this version of you and now that's the first impression you're giving to someone else. Trust me. I know that it's really hard, but you know, very good mother's club can help you because that's like everyone I get comes in and they're like, I don't know. I don't really feel like myself right now. And I'm like, you're right at home. And then we help you feel like yourself. So then you can go make more friends who love you. Um, okay, darlings. Let me just see. I feel like I said everything I wanted to say. Okay. You're already good. That's what I think you're already good. So just practice getting your life in alignment, meaning where your inner world and your outer world match up. You don't have to tell everyone everything you don't. I work a part-time job for this group that, um, I won't say too much about them. Okay. But they all have really strong opinions about music and musicians. And I don't always tell them what music I like, because maybe they're going to think it's dumb, but I don't think it's dumb. And I like these people. So I would rather we just like each other and they don't know that I'm listening to what I'm listening to. So like, sometimes it's just better to not show everyone everything about you, but then the real ones, they're going to get it. So do be yourself. And especially in your personal life, I'm talking a lot professionally, personally, favorite friendships are going to be the ones who like you turn on a song and they're like, I love this song. And you're like me too. Okay. You know that you're so smart. Okay. I'm going to answer two questions from my DMS. And then we'll wrap up this video because we've got days to live. Don't we? We not, we have a lot more time than days to live, but I mean, we have a day ahead of us that we need to go live and I can't be taking up all your time. Okay. Ready? I'm just picking this at random and I have not prepared an answer. So this is just real time, me sharing what I think. And also I might change my mind later. Okay. So if you have something that you want to add to it or like be like, but Jessica, what about this? Let's just have a real conversation. Let's not do what the internet does and be like, she's so crazy for saying that. Let's be like, what do you mean? Have you considered this? And then we'll have real human conversations. That would be so cool. Okay. This one says, I'm not going to say the person's name because I don't know if they want me to. I would love to hear from you about deciding if you want to add one more baby to the family or not. I've been following you since the beginning. Thank you. That's so nice. We have two kids. My husband started his own business when my son was born. My son is five and we have a three-year-old daughter. Okay. So you're busy. We live in our starter home and we don't have a lot of space. Husband is stressed with the business and worries about the strain of a baby on our marriage and time and business. I understand, but I also feel a deep longing for another child. Any insight appreciated. And then she sent a sweet thank you. Okay. Gosh, this one is tough. And I love this one because so many of us relate. Now, Jules, my third, she was a surprise, which in one side is like almost easier because I didn't have to think it through. I wasn't in the deliberating process at all. I just had baby Wilson and then found out I was pregnant, cried, scared tears, recovered, and then Jules is here. And I'm very thankful for how all of that went. I do think when it comes to imagining your life with a child, it's pretty true that you don't feel ready even when you're ready. And so if you're trying to get all of your ducks in a row and get the big enough house and the big enough car and the big enough bank account, I don't know. I don't know if that is going to lead to you having another kid. One of the best ways I've heard to do this is imagine your future, like close your eyes and imagine your future self sitting at a table and your kids are there and they're grown. Do you see yourself with two is, is that the number that feels right for you? What about when you one day poof go to heaven and there's two of them left? Do you like how that sits? Like, I know I'm taking this really deep, but these are the real things we think about as we're planning our family. Um, do you have the bandwidth emotionally, you as mom to care for this child? Because if you feel capable, you need him of course to be on board. And that would be so lame if he was like, well, you wanted this baby, so you have to take care of this baby. That's I'm not after that. But I do feel like it's more demanding on you than him, especially in the early years. Like no matter what, even if you have the most supportive husband in the world, it's more on you. And so do you want that? Does that feel like something you can do? Do you feel sad at the thought of not having that? Um, it is a real struggle to be at the end of having babies. Like for me, because I had cancer. And so I had to have surgery. The end of my fertility was, was abrupt, right? Like we're going to be removing these organs. You will no longer be able to have babies. And there was some emotion tied to that of, Oh wow, I'm done. Like, I feel like it just started and now I'm done and I'm not choosing it. Someone else is choosing it for me. I just feel like it's weird. No matter how your, um, season of making babies ends, it's a little bit weird to be like, wow, we're done here. That began and ended. You need to make peace with it. And so really thinking it through, if you're the praying type or the journaling type, um, even like talking to loved ones. And then, I mean, I have friends who were like, you know, let's, let's just try. Like, how about we give ourselves this amount of time to get pregnant? And if we get pregnant, we'll have this baby. And if we don't, then we'll trust that that was the right thing for us. You could go that route. The other thing is I tend to lean towards more babies rather than less. Like, I just don't imagine us getting to the ends, ends of our lives and being like, Oh dang it. We did three of them. That was a lot. Really should have stopped it too. I'm not sure why we did that. Uh, maybe people do it, but I don't imagine that that's what happens. I think there are other regrets we have and that having kids doesn't tend to be one of them. So I don't know if that's helpful, but either way, you're going to make the right decision. There's truly no wrong decision. And if you are somebody watching this and you have thoughts of how you decided whether or not you want to do this, write it in there, uh, in the, in the comments. Also, uh, really think about what your husband is having to say. Like, and talk to him more about it. Is he saying no out of stress? Like, can he check in with his body? Can he check in with his mind and his future self? Is this, is this really it for him? Does he feel done? And then love and respect each other as you make this gigantic decision that I know is really hard. Okay. Thank you for writing me. Um, okay. This one, this one's so sweet. This one says I got fired yesterday. I'm in my fifties. I'm very scared. I won't be able to find another job. Our son is a college sophomore and we need my income. Okay. I was reading a journal that I wrote over 10 years ago and in it. So over 10 years ago, I would have been, maybe I was 27 or something, or 26 years old. And I was writing about how I feel like I'm running out of time at the time. I feel like I'm late. I feel like I'm late for my career. What am I going to do? And then I had recently written in my journal, something very similar. I feel like I'm running out of time. I don't really know what I'm doing with my career. My kids are all in school now. Is something changing for me? What should I do? Oh my goodness. This feels so scary. Also financial pressure, had financial pressure back then different. Now I have three kids, but the reason why I bring that up is because this sweet mom is in her fifties and she's feeling the exact same pressure. Any of us have felt when we are in a scary situation and it feels like we're running out of time and you don't know what we're going to do. And I mean, she didn't say all of that, but I, I received that. Also I've coached a lot of, um, pushed a lot of us. I coached many moms in many different seasons of life and grandmas. And I know that when something is taken from you unexpectedly, like a job or your income stream, uh, it feels scary. And then what your mind does is it goes back in time and it recalls all the other stuff that's gone wrong. All of the other failures you've had all of the other times that you tried something and it didn't work. All of your insecurities, you look in the mirror and suddenly you're fixated on every little part of your body that you don't like. And it is really easy to go downhill quickly. And so my first thought for this mom is to immediately recall all of the times things have gone right for yourself. And this is not easy, but you're basically having to encourage your own soul. Things have gone right for you. You are so smart. Even recalling all of your different wins. If you have a resume worth looking at, go back and look at your resume and think of all of the accomplishments you've done, all of the hard things you've overcome, because what you need right now is courage to step out and try again and be okay to fail. You will have what you need. Your son will have what he needs. He's, he's smart. You did a good job. I can tell even just the fact that your initial thought is that you want to take care of your son who is a sophomore in high school. He's growing, he's learning. He's also going to be figuring out how to make money. You guys can definitely do this. And life is long and getting longer. Like I know people who are passing away in their nineties and one hundreds. Okay. That's a long time from now. You have so much life that you're going to be living. So what you're going to do now is give yourself time to grieve, like cry, feel your feelings, do all the stuff that we tell our kids to do. In fact, really try to love yourself the way you would love your kid. Maybe you write it out in a journal. If your son came home and said, mom, I lost this job and I'm so freaked out and I need money. What am I going to do? How would you talk him off the ledge? And what would you tell him to do? Because you are smart and capable. And then you go out and you put yourself out there and you look for jobs you want and you treat this as a new beginning. Is there anything you've been wanting to do that you haven't tried? I don't know. Sometimes the thing that we feel is going to be the worst thing for us sets us up for an amazing brand new thing. Earlier this year, I lost my home. We weren't able to live there anymore. The landlord was selling and I was really sad. I didn't know what we were going to do. We didn't have the money to afford another place. Our income is like so up and down. We look terrible on paper, but I desperately wanted to stay in LA. That's where we've lived. I mean, I've lived here longer than I've lived anywhere and my kids go to school here. Anyway, I was not doing well for several months. I was very scared, very discouraged. I'm just really feeling like this wasn't going to go well. And then kind of miraculously, we kept looking at places, kept looking at places, didn't know what we're going to do. I thought we're going to have to leave. We make a list of places. One day we go look at like 11 apartments and homes in LA. And one of the places that we tour, the landlord is the one showing us their little home. And it's so cute. And it's right near where my kids go to school. They can walk. And the landlord says like, I actually don't need to see your income, like all of that. If your credit score is good and you're not, then I would love for your family to live in my house. And guess what? We live in their house and it's beautiful. And it's been such a wonderful summer. And I just say that because I really thought this ending was going to be the worst. I thought I was leaving. I thought, yeah, I won't even go into what I thought, but it was not my finest time. And then it has turned into such sweet time for my whole family. Everybody's so happy. We're thriving in this new place. And it really was everything we needed that I didn't know we should go looking for. And we wouldn't have gone looking for it. It's more expensive than before. And yet the money has come as well, and we're figuring it out. So I don't know. I believe in you. I think we believe in you. If you guys believe in her, you should write in the chat. And this video is 30 minutes, which I think is the perfect time for a mom meeting. And we'll do another one next week. I care so much for you guys. I think about you constantly. I pray for you. I just think you're doing something so significant with your life, growing your families, maintaining relationships. You don't know the impact that you're having on these kids and the people around you. And I hope that these videos can help you feel more empowered in your day-to-day life. If you want more support, please join Very Good Mother's Club. Please reach out using the link below. I would love to help you more. And you're just as beautiful as ever. So go out into the world and know that you are beautiful and good things are coming for you. Okay, talk to you soon. Bye!