why women "PUNISH" the men they like

In today's discussion, I'm going to talk about why women punish the men they like, and how this behavior actually sabotages their chances of having a relationship with the men they are romantically interested in. Let's begin with a thought experiment to illustrate how a woman might respond differently to the behavior of a man she wants and a man she doesn't want. Imagine Lisa, a woman who is currently in the talking stages with two different men in hopes of finding a long-term relationship. The first man she is talking to is Phil. Phil is someone Lisa sees as pleasant and charming, but she doesn't feel a deep emotional connection with him. Phil is nice and pleasant to hang out with, but when he's not around or when they don't speak to each other, Lisa doesn't really miss him or think about him. If Phil takes ages to respond to a text or if he cancels plans, then Lisa doesn't mind. She doesn't feel a deep emotional connection with him, which means that she doesn't expect much from Phil. His actions don't provoke strong reactions from her. On the other hand, there's Max. Lisa is genuinely attracted to Max. She finds him charming, respectful, and sees real potential for a long-term relationship. As her feelings for Max deepen, so does her emotional investment in him. Lisa begins to have higher expectations of Max's behavior, such as prompt responses to texts, always being available, and exclusive attention to her, for example. However, when Max falls short of these expectations, like delaying a call or being late to a date, Lisa's emotional response is amplified. She may feel upset, anxious, despite Max's genuine intentions. This heightened emotional reaction stems from her fear of losing Max's affection. The issue is that Lisa has specific expectations for Max's behavior, and when he doesn't meet these expectations, she often responds by punishing him without even realizing it. This behavior acts as a subconscious form of revenge for the anxiety and disappointment she feels. So, what does this punishment look like? It often starts with Lisa distancing herself from Max. For example, if Max promises to call at 5pm but calls later that night, Lisa might intentionally ignore his call. If Max takes 10 hours to respond to a text, Lisa might wait two days to reply, making him wait even longer. If Max needs to reschedule a date for a valid reason, Lisa might make it difficult to find another suitable day, or act very cold and uninterested when they do reschedule. So, punishment can take various forms, such as giving him the silent treatment, withdrawing affection, or making it difficult to reschedule plans. These actions are intended to communicate Lisa's unhappiness with Max's behavior, but often leave Max feeling confused and unappreciated. Lisa wouldn't have punished Phil if he had carried out the same actions because she doesn't care enough about him to feel hurt by them. With Max, however, her unpredictable reactions create a volatile relationship dynamic that can shift abruptly from positive to negative without clear reasons. This unpredictability and withdrawal of affection eventually push Max away, as he feels unable to meet Lisa's ever-increasing expectations and navigate her emotional reactions. Despite Lisa's desire for a meaningful relationship with Max, her fear and insecurity inadvertently sabotage her own happiness. Now, it's important to clarify that tolerating bad behavior isn't the point here. What I want to stress in this episode is that emotions don't redefine what's considered bad behavior. Whether an action is right or wrong, good or bad, typically hinges on the agreed-upon terms within a relationship or a shared moral framework that both parties willingly embrace. It's not solely dictated by how you feel about the person involved. To illustrate, let's consider a different example, such as theft. Theft remains a serious offense, regardless of whether the stolen item was coveted or disregarded by others. The severity of the crime isn't lessened if the stolen object was undervalued, nor does it escalate if it was highly prized. The moral judgment against theft is grounded in ethical principles and laws that transcend personal feelings or societal opinions. Similarly, in relationships, behaviors that are considered unacceptable or hurtful should be judged against the agreed-upon standards of the relationship. Emotional reactions, while valid and important, shouldn't distort the objective evaluation of whether a behavior is appropriate or not. Your feelings are valid indicators of your emotional state, but they shouldn't be the sole basis for determining the morality or acceptability of someone's actions. So, I'm going to give you a practical litmus test to help you evaluate whether your negative emotions towards a man you like are justified when he does something that bothers you. This test is straightforward yet powerful in clarifying your feelings. Imagine if another guy whom you aren't emotionally invested in or care much about did the exact same thing that is upsetting you. Would you react with anger or upset in that scenario? If your answer is no, then perhaps the guy you like hasn't necessarily done something wrong. This test serves as a reality check to gauge whether your emotional reaction is proportional to the situation or if it's influenced by your feelings towards the person. It helps to distinguish between genuine concerns about behavior and emotional responses that might be driven more by attachment or insecurity. By applying this test, you can gain clarity on whether your expectations are fair and reasonable in the context of the relationship. That's it for today's discussion. Let me know what you think in the comments section. Thank you for listening.