Does He Want a Long-Distance Relationship? How to Find Out

Welcome everybody to Love Life, you're here with Matthew Hussey. We have a caller on the line today. Mary, tell me what you wanted to know today. So I've been seeing this guy for about a week now and we've hung out three times in the last week that he moved to Montana for a three-month work contract and I want to know if, you know, is it a right time to start a relationship being long-distance? And I know he's coming back so I would like your advice as to how to proceed and what I'm supposed to say to do. When does he leave or is he already gone? He left on Saturday. He left on Saturday and have you been speaking to him since? Yes, I spoke with him on Sunday just to check up and make sure that he arrived there safely and we spoke for a brief moment but I kind of cut it short so that he could spend some time with his family and friends since he's been gone for so long. Well, you seem very sweet and thoughtful. I love that. Has he tried to reach out to you since then? No, he hasn't. He told me to text him or keep in contact with him. He just let me know that he was going to be really busy with his family and friends for the next couple of days. Okay, so here's what I would do because I think that the tough part is, the simple answer to your question, should you have a long-distance relationship with somebody that maybe you've been on three dates with in a week, I think you can. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, especially if he's going for four months. It's not a long period of time in that sense, you know. If you felt like he was a really great guy and you wanted to see where it went and he felt the same way about you, there's nothing wrong with pursuing that. But of course, you want to make sure you're both in the same place because the real danger of any situation like this is where one person is operating under a misapprehension. So if you on your side are waiting for him to come back, you're being monogamous, you're considering yourself exclusive, but he's not on his side, then that's something that has the potential to cause you pain down the line, especially if you haven't discussed it with him. It's really dangerous to assume that the person is doing the same things you are. Yeah, we made plans to meet up in the end of July because I'll be there for work. And so, yeah, we made plans that we're going to meet up and that we would talk about it. I mean, I assumed that we would keep in contact, so by the time that I meet him, he wouldn't be complete strangers. So what do you want? Do you want to be exclusive with this guy? Yes, I do. You do. OK. Now, how much would it affect you to hold on and wait to see what happens when you see him in July versus make clear to him that it's exclusive now or at least have that conversation now? Yeah, that's what I wanted to know. I've already prepared myself emotionally knowing that he was going to leave a week before we started hanging out, that I told myself I had to stay unattached to be OK with, you know, whatever the outcome was going to be. I just want to know how to initiate the conversation without scaring him off or trying to understand how he's feeling. So why don't you ask him? I'm afraid of his answer. Right. So now, will you be more afraid if you find out his answer now or if he comes back or you meet him in July and find out that he's been with other people in between? Probably then. You'll be more hurt if you find out later on that he's been with other people? Yeah, because I have invested so much of my time and thought into it to find out that he didn't feel the same. Right. So it's probably even though it's uncomfortable, it's probably less painful to just figure it out now, right? Yeah. But the problem is, and this is the hard part, I understand where you're coming from. If you've only been on three dates, you don't want to feel like you're pressuring him into a decision that's premature, right? So you don't want him to feel like, God was three dates and she's already asking me to be in a relationship and we don't even know each other that well. And this is this is all a bit much. So the reality of the situation is that it's a little difficult. That's OK. Many relationships are difficult or slightly complex. But maybe you have the conversation with him and you say to him, listen, I like you from the three dates that we had. I wanted to know what you felt and whether you felt like this had the potential to go anywhere. Obviously, it's difficult with you being away. But, you know, I wanted to see if you if if you feel the same way, if you feel like this has the potential to kind of go somewhere and is worth pursuing. OK. And see what he says. You're not you're not immediately hitting him with, I think, you know, we should not see anyone else. I think we should be exclusive. Yeah. But I would get a read on where he's at, because often if a guy if a guy likes you and he's had a great time with you, he equally won't want you seeing other people. Right. So by the way, when he comes back to you, and I wouldn't do this by email or anything, I would I would actually say this to him when you speak to him on Skype or however you speak, just be like, you know, I had a great time with you on our on our dates together. And I, you know, it's kind of a tricky situation because I don't really know if you feel like this is going somewhere. And I don't want to assume. So I wanted to know what your thoughts were. OK. Let him let him speak now. OK. If if he comes back and says, well, you know, I'm not really sure either. And it's kind of tough with me being away right now and so on. Say that's fine. I you know, the reason I ask is because I have you know, I have people asking me out and and it's tough to know what to say because I don't want to disrespect something that might be developing with you. Now, that's a really that's a very, very elegant way of communicating that you are not someone who's disloyal. You're someone who does like him, but you're someone who is also in demand and has options and that there may also be a price for him to pay if he decides he wants to be very casual. OK. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. With him being so far away and the nature of both of our jobs are being so busy. I mean, is there a right amount of, you know, a time to contact him or like how often should I do that? The well, I think firstly, you have to give a little bit right, because sometimes the mistake women make is they hold back too much. They say, well, I'm just waiting for him to call and text me. I'm not going to be the first one to do it. And, you know, sometimes that can be a little childish because it takes two people. But you also don't want to run the risk of overinvesting and being the one calling and texting all the time. So it's fine to call him even if he doesn't answer and he sees it on his phone as a missed call. Even seeing even seeing someone's number as a missed call gives you a sign that, oh, they were trying to reach out. That's really sweet. But what you don't want to be doing is getting into the trap of you're the one who always initiates contact. Yeah, that's my concern. Yeah. So just you can call him, you know, if you feel like calling him, give him a call and be chill about it. Be casual. Hey, I wanted to see how you were and how you're getting on over there. Be sweet about it. You know that you want him to see your sweet side. But at the same time, you know, don't then the next day be the one to pick up the phone again. You know, let him then see how much he invests in return. And if you find that day after day after day, consistently, he's not investing, then it gives you some sense of where his priorities are right now. Yeah. Don't be afraid of reaching out to him. But at the same time, make it balanced and make sure to have that conversation with him where you find out where his head's at. Because for guys, it's very easy to just ignore a situation if you don't bring it up. If you bring it up very often, you'll get the truth. Yeah. OK. And thank you so much. And Mary, don't be don't be too afraid of the answer. OK. Remember, you've been out on a couple of dates with a guy who you like. There are more of those out there. You know, there are more guys out there who you will go on three dates with and like and think it might be able to go somewhere with. He's not the only one. So if it goes somewhere with this guy, that's wonderful. That's fantastic. I wish you both all the luck in the world. If it doesn't, don't worry. There are more out there and you can have this feeling again, maybe one week from now, maybe a month from now, but you will feel it again. In your opinion, does it make any difference if it didn't start out as a date at all on any of those days? It was just simply two people hanging out on an adventure and then it kind of all just happened on the last night where we were like, oh, OK, I realized we like each other and it was just unspoken. You know, so does that make a difference? In what way did you decide you liked each other or did you you kissed or you? Yeah, he kissed me and he he hugged me and he kind of just held me in his arms for a while. It's it's very, very tough because the reality is it it may be something, you know, sometimes things happen that way. You don't really know if it's you. You don't call it a date, but you find that the two of you have a connection and something that was just you hanging out casually becomes something more. But you also have to be very careful that sometimes when someone is leaving, it creates a sense of romance about something that wouldn't be there if someone was staying. You know, it's it I I've had many of these experiences in my life where the fact that you're leaving creates drama in a situation that makes it exciting and romantic. But it doesn't necessarily that's not the same as having a real connection. That's the drama and the excitement created by circumstance. Yeah. You know what I mean? So it's like, you know, you know, the Romeo and Juliet story. Yes, I do. What was it? It was the two camps. What were they? The Capulets and the Montagues. Is that right? I'm not exactly sure. I think Jameson. Is that right? I think so. I so I think it was the Capulets and the Montagues. But anyway, two different camps. The whole Romeo and Juliet story is about two people who really are striving to be together, who are not supposed to be together because they're part of two opposing groups of people. But the real test of how in love they are is could they be in the same camp where there's no drama and where there's no hurdle to overcome and still want to be together and spend their time together? You know, that would Romeo and Juliet have been just as in love and just as romantic with each other if everyone said, yeah, this is a really good idea. You should be together. You know, I mean, then yeah, then you'll know. So someone leaving can create a sense of excitement and drama that, by the way, don't get me wrong, can be very, very fun. It can be fun to feel like someone's leaving. We must make the most of this moment. But it doesn't always equal the same level of romance and connection and love when the hurdles aren't there. So don't be very careful not to glorify or glamorize the situation. Instead, look at it with a sober head. Say, is he investing in me? Is he giving me the signs of somebody who likes me and wants to pursue something? If he's not, you know, I need to watch out for the red flags that show that I'm kind of glamorizing this, but I'm actually not getting the response of someone who is really interested in pursuing this in a bigger way. So that's why I say have the conversation with him. Get his thoughts. And when you reach out to him, don't be afraid to reach out for him. Don't play the games where you say, I'm never going to reach out to him and see if he comes to me. Be prepared to reach out to him, but do not do more than your share. See if he comes back. And if consistently you find out that you're reaching out to him and he's not reaching out back, then that's a major red flag. And I think you should be continuing the search to go out there and meet other interesting people, even if you think that it might be fun to meet up with him when he gets back. Okay. Thank you so much, Matthew. You're so welcome, Mary. Thank you for being so honest with me. I really appreciate it. And I know that so many women will have benefited from this. So call us again sometime. Okay. All right. Thank you so much. You have a wonderful day. Yeah, you too, Mary. And thank you to everyone listening out there. I know that many of you have questions just like Mary's. I don't care what they are. I don't care if they're related to your love life, your personal life, your health, your social life, whatever it is, call in. I will do my best. I might not be able to answer everything, but I will absolutely do my best. The number is 844-204-6288. That's 844-204-MATT with two T's. I will speak to you soon, my friends.