I Don't Trust Him, Should We Break Up?

We have Danielle on the line. Danielle, are you there? Yes, I am. How are you doing, lovely? You good? Hi, thank you. I'm excited to talk to you. I know, I'm really excited. What was it you wanted to talk about today? Yeah, so I was just curious. Me and my boyfriend have been together for three years and recently we've just been having lots of problems, arguing a lot, and I was just wondering when you saw it or how did you know when it's exactly the right time to break up? What's the way to do it and how to best get over it? Yeah, I feel like sometimes a new problem arises in a relationship and we start thinking, is this the right relationship? And that's when we start asking questions for the first time about whether we should really be with this person. Something we should be cautious of is when we keep going over the same logic again and again and again. In other words, the questions you're asking yourself are not new questions, but they're recurring themes that come from somewhere much deeper. If you're with somebody and you find yourself asking the same question again and again about whether you're right for each other, it typically isn't a good sign. You hear this from people all the time, right? If it's the right person, you'll know. You'll feel something different. You'll feel a different sense of certainty. Now, I think that that's somewhat of an oversimplification, but I think at the same time, there is that cold hard reality that if I'm constantly questioning this thing, if I'm constantly asking myself, is this the right person? Then it probably means there's a level of difficulty about this relationship that means it's not right. That means this isn't the person that I am supposed to be with or the person that is worth committing to at this stage. For you and your relationship right now, what's the thing that's making you feel like this might not be right? We've just been fighting about everything. Everything that he does or I do, we just seem to go at it. I don't know what the deeper issue is. Little things now are just building up. I saw you like a girl's Facebook picture. Why'd you do that? Really stupid things. We've just decided that this will be the last shot. We both agreed we'll give it the last chance and see what happens. I don't know. Do you feel like the issues that are coming up between you are things that are going to go away or do you think these are recurring issues? Are there deeper trust issues right now? There's probably deeper trust issues, yeah. Is that based on something he's done or just something you're afraid he'll do? Kind of what I'm afraid of, I guess. There's no evidence for your distrust? Not really. I don't think so. That's what I don't know. I guess I don't trust him in general. When I see that, I just assume things that maybe I shouldn't assume regardless if he says that it's not happening or if it's happening. But why don't you trust him? Is it really true that there's never been any evidence that has made you distrust him? No. I think he's talked to girls before and then I don't think it went anywhere or was necessarily leaded to cheating, but just the fact that I knew that or saw that hurt me. You saw it in person or through messages? Through messages. You saw messages on his phone that he was talking to other women? Yes. And in a way that you found to be inappropriate for your relationship? Yeah, it wasn't necessarily anything horrible, but I just didn't think it was right. Did he lie to you about it? No, he told me. When I found out, he told me. I mean, I had asked a couple of times and he kind of just didn't say anything, but then when I found out, obviously, he told me the truth and everything. So you asked him if he was talking to certain people, he said no, and then you checked his phone and you found out he was, right? Correct. Okay, so there is evidence for the distrust, right? Yeah, that stems from it, yeah. Right. What you have to decide is the type of relationship that you fundamentally want to be in. What level of honesty do I want from the person that I'm with? And what level of trust do I want to give somebody that I'm with? Sure. And both of those things are relevant because one of them is not controllable by you. You can't control whether this person lies to you or not. You can only control whether you stay with somebody when they're lying to you. What you can control is the level of trust that you give somebody. But there are certain relationships where giving all of your trust is a losing battle because you know that there are reasons not to trust this person and part of you instinctively feels like whatever is happening now will happen again. Right. And that's frightening. Yeah. So you have to decide whether this guy is worth trusting 100%. Sure. And if his actions have meant that you cannot trust him 100% and you can't give that standard that you want to give in a relationship, then it's time to leave because then you're not being who you want to be in the relationship. Does that make sense? That makes 100% sense, yeah. Trust me, nothing will make you sleep better at night than being the person you want to be in a relationship. Right. And right now, it's not just that he's perhaps doing something you don't like, it's that you're being a person you don't like as well because you don't like being the person that's going through his phone. Yeah, I'm crazy. I don't like that at all. I'm never like that. No, you don't. You don't have that moment where you go through his phone and then sit there proud of yourself, do you? Yeah, no, it's the worst. Right. So that comes with a certain amount of, you know, self-resentment, self-loathing because you don't like what you're actually doing now. Sometimes the trust issue is on your side, right? I'm not saying it is in this case, but sometimes we need to trust more. But we also need to put ourselves in a relationship where it's easy to trust, where it's easy to let go and be with that person. And if you're someone already who is feeling those trust issues, then you know you're not in a relationship where it's easy to trust necessarily, especially since he's given you reasons not to trust. Sure. So here would be my advice to you. You either have to say, I know I can't trust the way I want to in this relationship. So let's you and I go our separate ways for now. And if we come back, it will be from a place of mutual trust and respect. If I'm going to be in this and if you decide, right, I'm going to give this one last shot, then you go in it and you let him know, this is where I stand. I don't want to be anything less than a trusting, loving partner. And I know I'm not being that when I'm going through your phone or when I'm disrespecting your privacy in order to find things out. That's not who I want to be. But I need to know that I can 100% trust you and that you're in this. And if you're not, then tell me now. And that's absolutely fine. If you can't be, if you're in a stage of your life where you can't be trustworthy in the way that I need you to be, that's fine. I respect it and I respect the honesty and let's go our separate ways for now. But let's not torture each other. I don't want to talk. I don't want to be the woman torturing you by you feeling like you're dating a detective. And I don't want you to be the guy who is torturing me because you're giving me reasons not to trust you. That's a poisonous relationship. I don't want to be in that kind of relationship. So let's you and me make a decision now as adults. I like that. Sound good? No, that's awesome. I mean, that's exactly what we've been trying to do. So I don't like exactly what you said, how I don't want to be that person either. And I'd be perfectly fine if it was a mutual decision to go separate ways and see what happens. So here's what you have to do. Don't rely on him to be the grown up. You'd be the grown up for the both of you and go and have a really adult conversation. And you're going to feel so much better, I promise you. Well, thank you, Matthew. All right, Danielle. You're so welcome. It's such a pleasure to have you on the line. Thank you for calling in. We appreciate you.