The Secret to Getting Closure When They End It

What would you say to people who are still looking for the reason why somebody left or somebody didn't want them and they can't seem to be able to move on until they have that piece of information? What about to those people? Quiet forward thinking not backward thinking. So, in other words, it's worth asking the question, could I be doing anything better? That's a question worth asking. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't ask that question of themselves ever. That's not someone with a growth mindset. But I think you have to apply it in a forward thinking way. So, that would be, you could be brave enough to say to someone, hey, as awkward a question as this is, and I have broad enough shoulders to hear the truth, is there anything that made you feel this way? Because I want to be better in my life and I'd love to be aware if there's something I did that caused this. So, you could be brave enough to ask that question. But I also think that when people get one of our programs and they read all about the attraction formula, what that gives you that I think is very useful is there are four components to deep and lasting attraction. So, there's visual chemistry, there's perceived value, perceived challenge, and connection. And when you look into each of those four things and what they mean and how you do them, I think what it does is it gives people a model to go, which part of these am I not doing a great job of? So, maybe I'm creating a ton of value that would be perceived value. Maybe I'm showing an insane amount of value in the way that I treat someone by doing things for them, by having great conversation, by being generous, by being thoughtful, by adding to their life. But I'm doing a really bad job of creating any perceived challenge because I'm not showing someone that there's any real price to pay for all of that value. I'm giving it from a people-pleasing mindset. And so, despite the fact that I'm giving a ton of value, this person's taking that value for granted because it doesn't come at any cost. Even if they treat me poorly, even if they don't invest in me, even if they go hot and cold, I'm still at a moment's notice willing to give them all that value. So, I think that someone can look at that and go, oh, that's what's happening is I'm actually challenging this person. Or they might see that I'm adding a ton of value but I'm not really connecting with this person. So, all the value I'm giving is value that I'm used to giving but it's not based on anything I really know about this person because I'm not asking the right questions to get to know this person. So, this person doesn't feel like I uniquely see them or understand them. This person just feels like I'm a kind of generic people-pleaser. So, I'm giving a lot of value but I'm not connecting in a way that makes that person feel seen or understood by me and we want to be with someone who sees and understands us. My point is that you can apply the attraction formula. And by the way, the Get The Guy book, if you want to order a copy of that book on Amazon, I'm not even saying this from the point of view of plugging these things. I literally am just trying to think where, if someone wants to learn more about any of these things, what's the best place for them to go. But the book is a good introduction, the Get The Guy book. But my point with all of this is that one approach is asking someone, another approach is going to someone like us who has a model and saying, which part of the model do I intuitively feel like I'm not doing a great job of compared to other parts? And I think people are actually surprisingly good at self-diagnosing once they have a model to work off of. Like a lot of people are pretty good at being like, oh yeah, if I'm honest, I'm not creating enough chemistry because I'm not really flirting. I'm adding a lot of value to someone's life in all of the things I do, and I'm connecting because I'm having lots and lots of really deep conversations with them, but I'm not creating chemistry because I'm not really flirting and creating any tension with the person. So I think a lot of people are good at diagnosing those things. But what I'm at the heart of everything I'm saying is that that is a forward-looking approach. In other words, going back to the YouTube thing, I shouldn't sit there and read all of the comments on a video from two weeks ago and lament what I wish I'd done differently in that video. Instead, you have to say, I'm going to be forward-facing in what do I want to bring to the next person, or even if it's with the same person, forget what did I do wrong, what did I do wrong? It's just, what do I want to bring that's different to the next interaction with that person? Either because I've had a conversation with them and they've let me know something that I did that wasn't great, or something they didn't see enough of and I want to give more of that in the next interaction with them, or because I've done one of Matthew's programs and I'm now starting to realize there was something I didn't do. But I'm going to bring that to the next interaction I have with that person. And if it's too late and that person's already decided that they're not interested, part of our obsession with closure with that person and wanting to revive it is that we've convinced ourselves that there is only that person. And that's just not the case. That's just not true. They are not the only person on earth that could make you happy. You did not find the only attractive person that exists. You didn't find the only person on earth that will find you attractive. There are more of them. And you can apply all of these learnings that you're getting to the next person. And I would, I really would encourage someone, this is where I will kind of be heavy-handed with this, one of the bravest things you can do is invest in what we have. Because it will give, you don't then have to scratch your head trying to think of the answer and trying to just kind of search around in the dark for what might be going wrong. You actually can come and take our programs and learn more about what's happening here. Why am I in a certain pattern constantly? And we've spent 15 years with those patterns. So what might take you years to self-diagnose for us is just like, oh, this is what's happening. This is what's happening. And if you learn about this, it's going to make a difference. We are often better at self-diagnosing or being harsh to ourselves, right? So a lot of these things aren't going to be surprising when you go out looking for satisfaction from somebody else. And oftentimes, let's say someone was brave enough to go ahead and ask that question to somebody like, well, is there anything, any pointers you can give? I think they're most likely going to give something like you said, Audrey, where it's just like, I just wasn't really feeling it. Like I wasn't feeling the sexual connection or whatever. Okay. So you got that from them, but what do you actually do? I mean, this is why I think it's just a lost cause to do this. I think that is not the route I would give any of my close friends to do. I wouldn't say like, go ask this person and see if you can get an honest answer from them. I'd say, go watch a Matthew video, go buy his book. And be honest with yourself as you're reading and listening about what it's getting at that you might actually be guilty of. Exactly. Exactly. Because you have probably, if you're a curious enough person that even asked that question in the first place, you're probably pretty good at a little introspection and a little bit of learning. And in that case, you know, save yourself the awkwardness because they're not going to, they're most likely not going to give you the satisfaction, save yourself the awkwardness and just learn the attraction formula. And I agree with that at 100%. And the last thing I'll say on this is that it's very tempting to overemphasize the importance of the person that got away. And to think that there's something that you need to go back and kind of fix or change and get that person so that you can finally get closure and know that they didn't get away because of something you did or something that went wrong that you could have changed. It's very easy, especially if we like someone and they were charming and they were interesting and they seem to tick a lot of boxes. If they don't like us or decided to fade out, it's very tempting just to go, I must not be good enough because it's not like I can point to them being a complete douchebag. It's not like I can point to them being a horrible person. I actually like them and I think they're a great, cool, quality human being who was really charming and they just didn't want me. It's very easy for that to be so crushing because you go and therefore the conclusion is just that I'm not good enough. And the value of that person seems to go up at that point because they didn't choose us. And now it's like whoever we get, if that person didn't choose us, then we're still not good enough because we need closure with that person. We need that person to want us again, for us to have closure. That is a trap. That is a trap because you can't go back and be enough for the person who was incapable of seeing your value or for the person that met you at a time of your life where you were still evolving and therefore weren't the you that you are today. It's so pointless to ever worry about who we weren't enough for in the past because you're not who you were in the past and you can't go back and change the universe to a place where you were ready in the past or where you would learn all the lessons in the past. There is someone that will fall for you who someone in that person's past wasn't enough for. My brain goes to whoever you end up marrying, they rejected someone in the past who is a perfectly wonderful human being and turned out to be the most awesome partner ever. But the person you're marrying rejected them at the time because that person was still a work in progress at the time or because the work person you're married to was a work in progress at the time and couldn't see that person's value. It's kind of like we're all due at some point. We're all going to get hit at some point with a rejection, with our ego being crushed, with not being good enough for someone at the time because we just hadn't evolved yet or someone couldn't see our value because they weren't evolved yet. It's a big circle. It's a big circle and sometimes it's our turn to get hurt and sometimes it's our turn to be chosen. Don't distract yourself from the moment in your life where it's your time to be chosen by obsessing over a time when it was your turn to be rejected. Before you go, I have a free video for you to watch over at moveonstrong.com. If you right now keep obsessing over somebody that you are struggling to get over, maybe because part of you wants them back but you also kind of know that might be a terrible idea but also part of you wants to move on but you don't know how because you don't feel strong enough, go watch this video. I promise you it's going to help. The link is moveonstrong.com and it's free. I'll see you there.