How to Build Truly Incredible Self Esteem and Kick-start Your Life

you don't actually believe anything let's even talk about how you believe what you think about yourself what are your beliefs about who you are you don't actually believe anything about who you are let me explain what I mean by this we think that our self-perception we talk about our self-esteem and whether we think this individual is a worthy person or or an unworthy person or a good person or not or talented or untalented or intelligent or not intelligent we think what happens is that we go out into the world and we have these experiences and through objectively weighing up these experiences that we have we come to this conclusion that forms a belief about what it is who we are whether we are worthy of Love whether we're worthy of success whether we're good or bad or anything else and that is not what happens that is not the way these self- perceptions this self-esteem is formed or this lack of self-esteem is formed within us we have these narratives these I call it the defective story that we have within us it's around beliefs right and we think well I've come to this belief through experiences lived experiences what really happens and Byron ktie tells us this she says there's only two options with these thoughts that enter our Consciousness we are either attaching to them or we're inquiring into them but it's not really about believing them because believing we think is about going out there and finding evidence right that that proves to us the reality of the situation we're either inquiring into these thoughts or we're attaching to the thoughts the way the way it works is a thought will enter Consciousness and it usually happens very very early in life and it's going to be something around you know what we didn't get in childhood forms these things we're around people who are telling us negative things about ourselves and I call it a seed and we interject that now we don't believe it but it sits there within our Consciousness unchallenged as Baron Katy says you're either inquiring or you're attaching now we're not inquiring in other words we're not questioning this narrative that we have received in childhood you're not good enough you're not smart enough you'll never do anything etc etc we're not believing it but we're not inquiring into it because there's no one around in childhood to tell us you might want to look at that that person doesn't know what they're talking about right there's no one around but we don't really understand what it is maybe it doesn't feel nice but we're not challenging it but when we're not challenging it what's going to happen is we're going to start to attach ourselves to it and then what happens is that seed that we we have entertained we've been exposed to starts to look out through our eyes into our life and collect evidence to support itself not the other way around it's not a belief it's not the evidence has presented itself and I formed belief it's it starts off as a seed that which looks out into the world to collect evidence to confirm itself right so these beliefs that we have they don't work the way we think they work it's not objective it's not a scientific process to come to rational conclusions about ourselves which is why put it this way a lot of our problems in our lives are caused by low self-esteem I truly believe this because that low self-esteem I'm not good enough there's something wrong with me will look out into the world to try and gather evidence right and that some people describe that as self-sabotage it's one way to describe it but we can what what we really got to do is look and inquire into the original conclusion the original assumption about ourselves about who it is we think we are that's what needs to be inquired into and challenged and the problem with addressing this low self-esteem is that we don't do that par it we just try and put in competing ideas that I well I'm good I like myself I'm compassionate to myself I'm worthy I I'm capable of success I'm intelligent but this hasn't been inquired into so all we're trying to do is instead of inquiring is we're trying to gather new beliefs before we've inquired what we got to do is challenge The Narrative that we inherited usually in childhood right maybe it was passed on from a parent or grandparent or those around us and and if we can start to do that if we can start to say hang on let me just really question this idea that there's something wrong with me that I need to go and fix myself because what we're going to be living from is very limited choices we're going to be in nervous system reactions all the time we're going to be in fight flight freeer fall and we're falling especially try to be people Pleasers instead of really noticing what are value is and and knowing it and living from that but the inquiry part is okay I just need to question this is there yes it it will seem if you low self-esteem it's going to seem as if there is a ton of evidence confirming the reality that there's something wrong with you I I I take that as granted I understand that it will seem as if there's a ton of it but what if it's related to initially that seed was in place and it has began to gather this evidence and because all the seed wants to do something wrong with me what does that want within us it wants to survive it's like anything else that thought that conclusion that assumption about you wants to prove itself true it it can only continue to exist if there's enough evidence to support it so it's going to do things it's going to make you behave in certain ways and bring about uh conditions that will confirm and gather more evidence for it and keep you away from any anything that would undermine this narrative right that's a very important part of it it it doesn't want you to go and have positive experiences that would say hang on there's something fishy about this conclusion that there's something wrong with me and I need to work harder and I need to keep everybody happy so this is why you know we want to instead of trying to talk to ourselves in a good way we we need to challenge we need to question the narratives that we inherited and you will variably find that there's nothing to them and when you can do that what you're going to be left with is the truth and the truth is always loving the truth is always a life affirming it gives you energy it energizes you because the truth of who you are is that there is nothing wrong with you there never has been anything wrong with you you are absolutely worthy of Love of success of being creative of showing up being authentic in the world and with other people not having to hide yourself not needing to fall on or fight or anything else not needing to prove yourself you don't have to prove yourself cuz really what the world needs is more of us out there being authentic being who we really are that's what the world needs never mind ourselves which of course we need too so we got to listen to our emotions we got to listen to our bodies because the body the way I describe your emotions cuz a lot of our emotions are going to be really negative emotions especially when when we have low self-esteem right a lot of depression a lot of anxiety and but we have to listen to our emotions because the emotions are really telling us the truth the not the truth the the accurate state of the inward condition that we hold right they will just reflect back what is the narrative I'm holding very accurately now the emotions don't tell you the truth of who you are but they are an accurate reflection of who you currently believe you are that's why are so useful so we got to to find really what is this thing that I inherited a long time ago in my life probably in childhood maybe I had really traumatic experiences maybe I had adverse childhood experiences and how else would you come to a conclusion other than that right in that in that context but um so we we keep inquiring which we listen to the emotions we feel the body and it's going to tell us exactly how I feel uh what I think about myself what I what I believe about myself and then when we listen to it we're able to actually start to ask it some questions is there any real evidence for this if I actually look objectively and more importantly is there any evidence at all that I have been overlooking or that my nervous system hasn't want didn't want me to look at prior to now that suggests that in fact the exact opposite of this is true and when you can do that you will invariably find that there's a ton of evidence around you to support the exact opposite belief in your life I actually am worthy I actually am intelligent I am creative I am worthy of success I am capable there's a ton of evidence for it but with that initial seed not being challenged it's very difficult to find so that's why we got to go in and challenge that one first so inquiry is part of it and then once once we find this truth of who we are this is who we have to start showing up as in our lives knowing that you are worthy knowing that there is absolutely no reason for you to be a people pleaser or to put your needs last or to S sacrifice important needs that you have pretend like they're not there you don't have to do that you show up as this authentic version of yourself well not version authentically yourself full stop that's who you show up as and that doesn't mean you show up bravado and you have everything together when you show up being authentic it means you show up with your needs not hiding them I have needs here because your needs are really essentially I I would almost describe a person as their needs that's who you are you're open about them and you're also vulnerable so when you show up authentic it doesn't mean you show up being invulnerable it means you are totally aware that you have vulnerabilities as a person cuz that is a part of the human condition there will you will never do enough work on yourself to get rid of the fact to get rid of the the the vulnerability that we all have two things two ways I describe human beings one is desire or you could say needs we have needs they're not going away and the other one is vulnerability when you're living from your needs and from vulnerability really authentically that's who you are that's let me put it this way this self that you're trying to exp to to to find right well that's a tricky job but let's assume that yourself showed up one day we could ask instead of asking well who is it how about you ask this question what would it be doing if it did show up up this self me and I can tell you what it will be doing it's very simple it will be expressing itself that's what the self is when it's when it's known it's there showing up authentically expressing itself extending itself sharing itself it's so it's very it's very difficult to overlook it when it's doing that that's what the self does I don't know if there is a self here I don't I feel like there there's an empty shell it's because there's no expression there's no expression of need there's no expression of vulnerability and it will feel as if there's no one here there's no one at home but they are always there the self you are always there the self because the needs can't go anywhere and the vulnerability can't go anywhere it's just a matter of is it being given space and permission to express itself so that's what it would look like but we got to do the work first we got to figure out okay what what did I inherit through my adverse childhood experiences what kind of messaging was I around when I was younger what was I told about myself and to begin the process of just inquiring into the validity of that stuff that you learned because I can tell you there's a lot of it that is garbage garbage not to mention this the stuff that we didn't get that we probably should have gotten but the stuff we were given that's toxic to us thex toxic to human thriving so it's like okay well is that real is that true is there any basis in that or was this a projection from somebody else and we start to question question question and then it becomes less about questioning and more about expression of the truth of who you are which is the exact opposite of that messaging that we received when we were younger so see yourself as being worthy of the work it takes to get to these re Revelations big one of the Big Blocks about well starting to do this process of questioning is is a big block around that is the belief that am I even worth doing that for am I worth doing putting in a little bit of time to some ask some questions you are and it is worth it in the end it is so worth it because the self-sabotage goes away the fight flight freeze or fall people pleasing goes away the proving yourself goes away and what starts to happen in your life is that you start to show up with your needs and your vulnerability and you're expressing yourself honestly and that is what the world needs and that's what we all need so you are worth it you can cut to the end and it's no I I said ear I don't like this idea of like putting nice sounding ideas on top of that original wounding or that original toxic idea that we picked up but it's no harm to have sort of a a a signpost for where you're going to end up there's nothing wrong with you here here it is there's nothing wrong with you at all and it doesn't matter what you may have done or not done in your life you do not deserve anybody's guilt anybody's guilt trips anybody's projections you don't deserve hostility from anybody full stop that's where you end up you know that that's true and you are absolutely worthy of love you're as good as anybody else you're not better than anybody else but you're not worse than anybody else you're absolutely worthy of love respect being taken care of being set as a priority for yourself and from other people who are close to you being seen as important and valuable that's who you are that's who you're going to end up as and in that context it's a lot easier to show up as your authentic self and express yourself okay I hope there's something in there for you that you were able to resonate with and I think I'll leave it there for now but I think really what this video is a little bit rambling I suppose but really it's about the work of inquiry and into how do you start to show up as yourself through the process of inquiry and developing true self-love and self-compassion take care and I will be back with another video in the very near future take care bye-bye [Music]