Karen Brockman in five words - BBC

I get this, and I can just push him out of the box. No! That's the worst! Slug to open an umbrella inside! And it's green, are you mad? Am I made out of atoms? Yeah, everything is. Or shadows? Have you ever been a Bridesmaid? Yeah, I have, a couple of times. But never a Bride? No. What's a twat? Twat. Gravelax is Salmon. Why don't they just call it Salmon then? Voila! Anyway, I don't like Salmon, it's too orange. I don't eat anything orange. Except for oranges, because they admit that they're orange. Because I can work my patience. Do you believe in God? Well... No, no, no, I want a... I want a clear answer. Do you believe in God? Well, I think people should be able to believe whatever they want to believe, really. I know, I know that, but I want to know what you believe. Do you believe in God? Why are you talking about Tyson again? What do you mean again? You know what again means? It means like the time before. I agree with you, Karen, it's not proper art. Not like the pictures we saw in the National Gallery. Well, the National Gallery was rubbish too. What about the lovely Van Gogh? It was all wiggly and he should have gone over it. And the stars were all wiggly and sproutsy. It was like he was crazy or something. No, sweetheart, it wasn't. Well, yeah, it was, because it bounced here. And don't call me sweetheart. The umpire's word is final, Lance. Look, I'm telling you it was out. Yeah, you can't face the truth, you're just saying... Karen, stop it. I thought it was in, because you're a bad loser. You could say Lucy, it doesn't work for me. Is this your job, to just say stuff like this? Trust me, it's very useful. Well, I don't trust you, because you're just talking nonsense. And if you'll just listen to me for two seconds. It's not something a child necessarily understands, but it is something... But I do understand what you're saying. It's just it doesn't make any sense. I'm not entirely sure your technique's going to work with Karen. She sure has a lot of defence. She's a very confident little girl, isn't she? I can smell success in my sweat. Karen, I've told you, The Apprentice is not a suitable show for a seven-year-old. You see? Very bright. I'll give you a cookie now, shall I? In England, we call them biscuits. Do we? Very interested in the law. I know, sorry about that. Now, this will hurt a little bit. If you say it will hurt a tiny bit, and it hurts a lot, who do I talk to? Who do you talk to? Yes, you must have a system. Well, we don't need any system, because it's all going to be fine. But the man on watchdogs says always complain to the most senior official and keep a written log of your conversation. Does he? You embarrassed me at the airport, all those swears. Well, Daddy was just upset. Look here, see, this is the kind of thing you need. It's got nice birds on it. Actually, that's in the sale, and it's only... Please, don't speak. We write our own songs. Oh, are these the lyrics? No. Where does he want to give that to, his bitch? Hello. They're busy. Can I speak to your mum or dad? You just asked the question I answered. Mum and Dad don't speak to cold callers. I'm not a cold caller. Do we know you? No, but... Did we know you were going to call? No, however... I think that makes you a cold caller. You have to treat everybody's views, whatever they believe, with equal respect. What, even idiots? Just to reassure you, I came third in my year. Third? Yep. Only third? Is your sleeve wet? Have you been taking money out of the fountain? Yes. Do you want me to get you some? No, I don't. No, people throw it to me. You can't take money that people have put in the fountain, because it's not your money. Oh, no, but it's not theirs anymore. No, it's the fountain's, and the fountain can't do anything if I take it. No, those people put money in the... They're idiots. You're allowed to take money from idiots. Put money in the fountain because they were making a wish. A wish? Here we go. Try the blue house over there. If you get there before her helper arrives, she'll buy anything. Well, Karen, I must congratulate you on a very thorough review of the school's shortcomings. You've certainly saved Ofsted the bother of a visit. Why didn't you send Karen to the same school as me and Jake? This is the real world. You can't just go round telling everyone what you think of them. You and your real world. We felt Karen would perhaps benefit from being challenged, academically speaking. She's faking whiplash, which is what the uninformed do, because they don't know that the law was changed in November 2015. Neck injuries are no longer a cash cow. Are you saying she's brighter than us? Did you accept defeat gracefully? Yes. Apart from demanding a drugs test. That girl had shoulders like a gorilla. You can't wuss out. You know I'll just keep bringing it up in arguments. You're making it too easy for me. Most people, they see the wheelchair and not the person. Well, I see the person. The person that's trying to rip off my mum and dad. You said, whatever the problem was, you were certain that you could sort it out. Yeah, but that was... Bullshit. Is a fork a weapon? So, do you want money or not? You can stab like that. He called me a toss piece. What language are you speaking? French. What does it feel like to be old? Is it nice? Ha ha ha!