an emotional ending | part 5

If you stick it out and you push past the fear, you wake up the next morning and you're like... New England? Maine? Alaska? Canada? Florida? We don't know. Mexico? I don't know. And now I'm currently in northern Wisconsin. I experienced a little snow squall up in Glenwood Springs, Colorado. Got stuck up there for a few days but that was weeks ago and now I'm currently in northern Wisconsin chasing after more snow storms. Obviously we have a lot to catch up on. It was Thanksgiving day when I started this solo cross-country road trip and when I look back at my journal entries from the first two weeks on the road, I can tell from my own words how determined, desperate almost, I was to focus on the fun of it all. I just wanted to be spontaneous, live in the moment, and not get caught up in thoughts past or future. When I crossed the state line into Colorado, I remember feeling so good. I've been to Colorado before but I was just a kid back then. Experiencing Colorado with my van felt like I was really doing it right What can I say? I'm a sucker for a scenic view, I'm a sucker for a sunset, and I'm also a sucker for a toasty campfire that has me smelling smoky by the end of the night. Hopefully next time I'll remember to bring some marshmallows. Even during those first few nights in Colorado, I must admit I was feeling a tinge of melancholy. I was resisting the reality that I needed to get a move on. Driving across I-70 was of course just as gorgeous as everyone claims it is, no doubt about that, but I will say I wish I could have taken a ride across I-70 rather than drive it. I couldn't totally appreciate the views because at this time of year, you really have to be on the defense as a driver. There were times I hated being on that highway with cars going way too fast despite all the warnings of icy conditions. Also there were so many places I wanted so badly to explore but just didn't have the time. I know I'll be back someday, I just don't know when and that's the hard part. After the snow squall in Glenwood Springs, which set me back time-wise, my road trip became more about the miles gained rather than coin flips and taking the roads less traveled. If I'm being completely honest, my last couple of days on the road were the hardest for me out of this entire solo cross-country road trip. There was no snow but it was bone-chilling cold crossing Nebraska into Iowa. The highlight of my days were pumping gas and watching the prices drop the further east I got. That is the most exciting thing I've seen all day. It's a little creepy. It's funny how if you arrive at a new spot that you want to camp in after dark, it can just feel so scary but then if you stick it out and you push past the fear, you wake up the next morning and you're like, oh it's fine. It's beautiful here. It's quiet, it's calm, nobody else is around. But at night you're like, oh god it's so quiet. I'm all alone. Nobody's here. What if someone comes? Yeah. I'm currently parked, camped, overnight at a boat ramp in the middle of I have no idea where Iowa but I think this is my last camping spot before I get home. I'm about a five, between a five and six hour drive from home, from going back to the place I was raised. It doesn't really feel like home anymore but yeah I have a lot of mixed emotions about all of it. If you've made it this far along into the video then chances are pretty high that you're probably one of my people. So I feel slightly more comfortable sharing this bit at the end because everyone else is gone. There's a high probability that this will get slightly sappy and that's okay. Sometimes sappy is good. It just means that there's vulnerability and emotion and human connection perhaps and isn't that why we're all here anyway? I mean seriously isn't it? I don't know. I would be absolutely lying to you if I said that this holiday season for me was a good one, a happy one. This is the first Christmas being home since my dad died a little over a year ago and that's rough let me tell you. But my mom and my sweet dog Nala have really pulled me through. I think the thing about having my van is that it has enabled me to kind of drive away from hard feelings, my grief, sadness. I'm just really not good at sitting in in sadness and uncomfortable feelings. So being back here has forced me to really sit in grief and my subconscious is going crazy and having dreams where I feel like my dad is still alive and I feel like a fraud because it's like I told everyone that he's died and here he is right in front of me. And then I wake up sobbing and crying and it's very it's very difficult to make videos when you're just feeling like a piece of garbage. I definitely lost momentum on creating videos. Any creator, anyone who does creative work whether that's writing or photography, painting, filmmaking, what have you. It's really important to be consistent to keep the momentum alive but at the same time if you push and push and push and push especially when you know you need to take a break then you're you're choosing between your momentum and your mental health. So we chose the mental health this time and I think I think it was for the best. Yeah if anyone else has experienced loss and trying to get through holiday seasons with just you know less than ideal situations and family circumstances I get it. I really really get it. One of the main reasons I just took a little bit of time off is because I was going through this mental space of having a lot of self-doubt and I was thinking about quitting and now in hindsight as I look back at at those thoughts and those journal entries when I was in a really not great place I realized how short-sighted those feelings were and even though they felt very real at the time it would have been an absolute drastic mistake to quit making videos. I don't think I could actually do that. It just means way too much to me. You mean way too much to me and I've been doing YouTube far longer than maybe it looks like. I'll share that story some other day. We don't have time for that but I am so grateful. So so grateful like you guys who comment every week. I look so forward to your comments and if I don't see comments from you like I get genuinely concerned for you because I'm like where are you? Where did you go? Are you okay? And also I'm the type of person who watches tons of YouTube videos and tons of people and creators who inspire me so much and I never comment and I never say anything and so I'm sure there may be a couple of you here with me who are like that as well and so I'm just saying I see you. I see you. I don't know what 2022 holds. I don't operate my life that way. It's really hard for me to make solid plans. Who knows what 2022 will be. I have zero expectations. If you guys do have the time just drop in the comments some cool places in this general vicinity of the United States of America that you really love that get you excited. I'm not gonna make any promises that I'll go wherever you suggest because it's not how my brain works but at this point in time my brain is literally just anything could go truly so New England, Maine, Alaska, Canada, Florida, we don't know. Mexico? I don't know. I don't know what the next video is gonna be. Haven't thought of it yet but we'll find out together. So thank you so so so much for watching and I will catch you in the next one. Okay, love you. Bye! This is nuts. I have never been so covered and so... Oh here we go. Already messing up. Should I just start over? I mean crap. I meant to say crap. I'm working on it. I'm working on it. Sometimes it just comes out. I know it's not good to let your van idle. I know. I know. Desperate calls call for desperate measures. Desperate- wait. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I sound crazy. This is not why people come to your channel, Anna. Oh dial it back. Dial it back. The one day of the year I decide to put mascara on. Go figure.