Why We Can't Piss - Jon Richardson | Old Man Live | Universal Comedy

You know, I have done sex. I don't want to come across as weird, you know. If you haven't, have a go, it's lovely, it's very nice. It's very quick, I'll warn you of that. If you're going to do it, be ready, because it's over as soon as it started, but... It's still worth it. I just don't do it a lot, because there's other stuff to do, isn't there? Bills, tidying, that sort of stuff. Life gets in the way, doesn't it? A bit like the cinema, you know, every time you go to the cinema, you have the same conversation, don't you? You go, this is bloody brilliant, we should... Well, every Wednesday now, we'll come to this... And the next Wednesday comes, you just don't, do you? Because you're doing other stuff, and then another Wednesday, and before you know it, you go back, you go, when did this last happen? I don't know. Dark Knight Rises, I think. Which is a film, not what I call my penis. Slightly arrogant title for him, to be honest. But, no, it's good. And the other job of the penis, urinating, again, not one I usually explain, but it urinates as well. Not very good at that, to be honest, either. You know, I guess I'm talking to the women here on behalf of the men. I just want you to know, sometimes you go in there, there's little bonus sprinkles around. That's not our fault, always. I think you see that, and you picture us just swinging it. Oh, a moth! Come here, you! Really, if you could see how hard we try to get it on target, sometimes you have to strangle him so none gets out while you're getting all ready. He wants to go earlier than we do. You can need a piss all day, and it's fine, but you touch the toilet door and Lee goes, are we here? I'll start then, shall I? You have to say, no, there's just a minute, a minute, please. Get all in line, like that, down the centre of the bowl. Feet in line, head over the balls, ready for a delivery, like that. A little giving the knee helps, in case there's any tremors or unevenness or something like that. And then look down the centre of the bowl, which, by the way, is the wrong shape. Why is it longer that way? We can all reach. A little bit of help there would be nice. And then at the last minute, something we do, and I don't think we get any credit for this, at the last minute, just a little bit of lift on it, like that. Just a couple of degrees, like that, like a little chip shot in golf. Just take some of the pace off and just loop it over the water feature, like that. So it just tinkles nicely off the porcelain then, you see, and you don't get that thunderous impact splash that you do. It's not a criticism, I appreciate you've gone for proximity to the target, haven't you? Just get on top of it and we can't miss. I understand, but as a result it can be quite... Quite intimidating, you know, if you're underneath. Downstairs, I mean. Pull yourselves out of the gutter, please. You know, sometimes I'm downstairs and my wife's upstairs, I hear that, I think she's never having a bath now. She's already had a shower this morning, think of the bills. You know, you get all in line like that, you let go and for no reason it shoots off in that direction. I don't know if there's a bit of dust in there or if he just gets distracted. You have to drag it back on target. And this is a good point to interject to say, this show is primarily about your enjoyment, right? I just want you to laugh as many times as you can in the next six hours. Not the third hour, that's dance, don't laugh then, you'll upset me. But I just want you to laugh, I want you to leave feeling better than you arrived, that's what I think my job is. But I recognise quite a lot of pressure on comics at the moment to be political and edgy and I don't really do that. So to compensate for that, throughout the gig I've peppered a few household tips. That's nice, isn't it? Just little things to help you. If you're paying attention, you take them away with you and they'll make the rest of your life better. Now you can't argue with that in terms of value for money, you know. What I'm saying is there might be better comedians out there than me, but not one of them will tell you something about a baking tray that'll change the way you look at a Sunday roast. I'm gonna do that tonight, right at the end. You've got to stay, don't be leaving. No, and this is the sort of thing to look out for. I don't flag them all up so you have to pay attention. So this, I don't really like talking about wheeze and willy, this routine is... wheeze and willy. That sounds like, well there should be more than one willy in that sentence, but again that's not really what I want to get bogged down on on the recording of this show. He's really precise about how many dicks are in his routines, isn't he? I don't like talking about wheeze and willies, really. This routine is really about saying, don't keep your new toilet rolls here. It's not a good place for them, this. I know if you're sat down, that's behind, isn't it? That's a little secret. You think, what harm could possibly befall them there? This is right in the friendly fire zone for us, that. Sometimes it's four of them on a little wooden spike like that. We'll get every one of them, every one of them. A line straight down like that, like a mark of Zorro if he was called Ian. And we're as upset about it as you are. You know, it only happens to me in other people's houses. I don't keep mine there. You know, sometimes you're a guest and it happens, you think, well, I can't tell him. How can you tell someone that without it sounding deliberate? When you go back downstairs, you go, John, your coffee's on the side. Fantastic. Quick one. I just pissed on all your toilet rolls. It sort of sounds like you've gone looking for them, doesn't it? I found all them ones in the cupboard. You can't own up to that, can you? So I do this, I assume most men do. That's why I tell you, I just turn them round. I hope you've got a radiator in there or at least a through draft. Sometimes there's other men in the house you turn it round, there's this one. Cheeky sod, I didn't say that. Never be the fourth man in. There's no angle to cover from there. You've just got to lob him out the window and stay up for half an hour, come down in tears and they won't ask then. All you need to know from this, I'm not a big fan of this region of my body. I don't think it's fit for purpose, to be honest. So I certainly wouldn't stare at it for 20 minutes while I was having my hair cut. I couldn't work out what this little window was for. And then I thought it must be for him. Must be while he's cutting my hair, he can have a little peek over like that. I'll just make sure I'm not getting up to anything down there. I thought there must be so many dirty old men having a little fiddle in there when the blanket goes over. You sit back inside, son, take your time, take your time. I thought they've had to cut a little window in there. A little security window to shame them into behaving themselves. I said to my wife, I can't believe you sent me there, it's full of perverts. She said, I'm so sorry. I said, we don't have them in women's hairdressers. And I thought, well, it must just be a man thing then. So I started asking other men to see if any of them had been given this special gown. Not one. Anywhere. I'm the first one who got given one of these. They've obviously all got one in the back. I must have walked in a bit crotch heavy or something. He's just seen me out the window. Oh, shit. Will you get that touches gown out of the back? I think we've got one coming. So now I have to find another man who's been given one of these to be sure I'm not the pervious looking man in the country. So I was carried on asking people. It took me weeks. I was having a pint with a mate and I said to him, have you had that thing cut out of the barber's to stop you masturbating? He said to me, I think it's so you can use your phone in there, isn't it, John? Oh, yeah, it is, yeah. I said, I knew that. I was only joking what I said. What sort of penis obsessed maniac would think anything else? What sort of lunatic would see a perfectly normal advance in design to embrace new technology and spend nearly a month of his life sometimes approaching strangers in the street? Oh, you can't wank in the hairdressers anymore, can you lads? They bloody watch you now, don't they? Perverts. Oh, that is the wrongest I've ever been about anything. Usually, if you're that wrong, you at least think you might be wrong. And that should have been a key point in my life to think, right, I need to let go a lot of this anger I carry with me. Maybe all the other stuff I'm getting upset about, I'm just wrong about. Maybe that guy who cut me up on the M62, if I'd have looked more closely, I'd have seen his wife was in labour on the passenger seat, and that's why they were driving erratically. They were rushing to the hospital. I could have let that go, couldn't I? Certainly didn't need to follow him for an hour with my full beam on. I'd love to be able to tell you that I got angrier. I got angrier that it was for phones than the other thing, because it upset me more that we'd invented a new gown for the for a younger generation who just can't sit still for 10 minutes and tolerate the same shitty small talk we've had to for generations, without now just getting their phones out and messaging people. And it makes me feel very antisocial, because I'll be honest, I don't like the people who are next to me half the time. The idea that at given moments, when I finally got an excuse to not answer the phone, I would willfully get it out to find people to send pictures to. I mean, you know, sometimes you're at a train station, you're just waiting for a train, and you just enjoy being on your own. You look down the platform, and you see a friend, someone who you like, and then they look down and see you, but you can't help it, your first reaction is, oh, ****, because they're going to come over, aren't they? You can't both just sculpt back, shall we pretend we didn't? Yeah, okay. It's not that you don't like them, but I like you on Thursday at the pub quiz, that's when I like you. This is my time now, and you're going to steal it the wonder off. You haven't prepared anything, have you? So it's just... And I think Twitter is the worst thing to happen to the country, that's what Twitter is, people just babbling on all the time, mindless crap, and I speak as someone who's on it, so, you know, this isn't... If you're on Twitter, I'm not saying, you know, you guys need to put your phone down and engage with your kids, you know. Sometimes I'm on Twitter so long, I don't know where my kid's gone. She was there, I go on Twitter, she's gone, I have to say to my wife, where is she? University.