Craig Ferguson | IM SO HAPPY (Full Special)

I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be in the greatest theater in the greatest city in the United States of America. That's right. I love this region. With its many... With its many famous things and... How about that local team? Now listen, I gotta say... I gotta just start with a point of order and it's important because... I've noticed a lot of things going on in my shows recently and I'm a little concerned about it. I've noticed a lot more young people coming to the show. Yeah, I know. I can see you out there with the hope in your eyes and collagen in your skin. I can see you... I have to think to myself, what the hell are you doing here? I mean, I still got my regular crowd. I can smell the pee-pee and lavender. I know you're here. I know I still got my pee-pee, Craig. I know you're here. But the young people are here now and I think you've been watching me on the tickety-tock, haven't you? You've been watching on the tickety-tock. I know. Well, look, a word of warning. I may go on for longer than 45 seconds this evening. And I gotta say this because of the young people, but the old people too. Everybody, I forbid you and I mean forbid you to tweet out anything I say tonight and during the show. Tweet out or any of your social media, but your Tweety, your Bingo, your Zippy, your Lamp Post, whatever the hell it is. I don't know, Instacart, whatever you do. Instagram, Grindr, whatever one you're doing. Myspace for some of the older. Just don't, alright? Don't. Because I'm going to say some things tonight that will not be true and I want you to listen to this. They will not be true, they'll be lies. There'll be things that, you know, I'll be saying things that I don't agree with, I don't believe. It'll be the opposite of what I believe, but in the context of what we're doing this evening, that's called a joke. Because I know, I know some of you young people, you're struggling with that concept right now a little bit. We love you, we love you. But don't, because I don't want you to tweet out anything I say or put it on your Insta or anything. Don't do that because it'll be out of context. They won't know we're here in the greatest comedy theatre in the entire world. It'll just go out and it'll be out of context and those words will go out there and people will think I believe those things and I'll have to defend them. And I can't be held accountable for what I say. What kind of an America is that, everybody? I know, because, look, it's nothing against you, I'm just tired of apologising. I'm tired of apologising. A man in my line of work, when I was doing that late night show, when I was doing the late night, I, no way. Thank you everyone that can't afford Netflix, but listen, when I was doing that late night show, when I was doing, I had to apologise every night. Every night I had to apologise for something and I meant it then, obviously. In the sense that, you know, had I not apologised I'd have been fired, but we're not in that position this evening, I've already got your money. I once had to apologise to the entire country of Australia, the whole country. I don't ******* know. But all these, I had to apologise to all of Australia, but they were very mad at me. Alright, I'll tell you what happened. What happened was, there was an Australian actor on the show, a friend of mine, a gentleman by the name of Guy Pearce. Do you know Guy Pearce? Yeah, he's a great actor, Australian. So Guy Pearce was on the show and we were just dicking around, guys being dudes and he was going, oh, Scotland's rubbish, mate. And I was like, Australia's rubbish, mate. Then apparently I crossed the line. I said that Canberra, the capital city of Australia, was a festering shithole. I know, I know I shouldn't have said that. I don't know, I've never been to Canberra. I should have said it is allegedly a festering shithole. We can probably cut that bit out, but what I'm saying is... The rules of comedy, they are what they are, I guess. They are what they've always been, really. I think the rules of comedy are what they've always been. Which is, be funny, don't be a dick. That's it. Now, I use the term dick there in its non-gender usage. I mean no disrespect to my actual dick, who is a beautiful one-eyed dude, suffers from occasional stiffness. Actually, the older I get, that seems to be clearing up a little bit. When I was young, I was all lithe and supple, my dick was stiff all the time. Now I'm stiff all the time, my dick's all lithe and supple all the time. I feel getting old. I never make the same noises for sitting down as I used to make for sex. Oh, that is nice. Oh, I love the feeling of the crushed velvet against my taint. Oh, that is lovely. I'm hungry. Anyway, look, what I'm saying is, the rules of comedy are what they always were. Just be funny and don't be a dick. I think the only people that complain about you can't say what you used to say are old comedians. Just old, white comedians. Or just old comedians. You can't say what you used to say. But here's what I think. I think when old comedians are saying that you can't say what you used to say because of the woke generation. I think what they're really saying is, I'm afraid of young people. And I get it. I'm afraid of young people too. Move too quickly, get very strong opinions about things. I didn't move quickly and have strong opinions when I was young. Except I had strong drugs when I was young. It's very difficult to get a nuanced argument about pronouns when you're zapped off your tits on Pakistani black hashish. What's your position on the pronoun argument, Craig? But we've got to knock it off. That's what I'm saying. And I'm glad there's a mixture of old people and young people coming to my shows now. I'm glad because it gives us a chance to knock this on the head. Old people and young people, we've got to knock this off. We've got to stop fighting each other. This is crazy. We've got to get along. It's not so different. You just itch a lot more, don't you? Isn't it just itchy? It's not like being young except you're really itchy all the time. You're like, oh my God, nobody tells you. By the way, cortisone is the wonder cream. Just get it. You're like, I'm itchy, I'm itchy, I'm itchy. Oh. I think I just gave away where I get itchy. I don't know. Probably cut that out. Anyway then. But the old people, you know, if you're old, you just itch a little more. And if you're young, it's a byproduct of being young. There's just a side effect of being young, which is you're stupid. I know you think you're not, but you are. You're so stupid. You don't even know you're stupid. But the thing is, you know, oh God, I'm so itchy. But here's the thing. If you're older now, think back older people. If you're older now, that means you were young in the 60s or 70s or 80s or 90s. What? No, Greg. Yeah, 90s and 80s. No, Greg, Hootie and the Blowfish as well. No, Greg, Hoopa Stank. No, no, no, Hoopa Stank. No, Greg, Hootie and the Blowfish. No, Hootie and the No Fish. They're all dead. They all died. They were all found floating at the top of the bowl. They're fine. That's stupid. So what I'm saying is if you're old now, that means you were young in the 60s, 70s, 80s or 90s. You know, which means back then, you know, not only were you stupid, you were also, and I don't know about you personally, but statistically, if you were young then, you were promiscuous. Uh-huh. But what happened is the sexy generation, they had a lot of sex. They had babies. Babies grew up. Be the Gen Z, the millennial generation, and they did what the next generation does. They rebelled against the attitudes and the morals of the generation that came before, and it swung the other way, and sex became bad and dirty and naughty and creepy again. Thank you. Because I'm a Scottish Protestant. We're not comfortable with sex the way you guys do it with the touching and kissing and being in the same room and all that. We don't. Scottish Protestants, we have sex by mail. That's how we do it. We have sex by mail. Dear Margaret, I hope this letter finds you well. Oh, you like that, don't you, Margaret? Anyway, Margaret, as your husband, I have decided it is time we had a baby, so please find enclosed in this envelope an example of my jizz. Too much? Jizz is too much? An example of my man gravy. Man gravy? Scrotum custard. Egg drop soup. I don't know. Please insert it into your lady parts, and all being well, I'll see you at the christening. Best wishes, your husband, Adolph. That's how we do it. Don't do that. Anyway, look, here's the thing, though. I have to say, my Gen Z and millennial brothers and sisters, as much as I love you, if you're in your thirties, early thirties, mid thirties, late twenties, maybe, you're in that wheelhouse, and probably starting to have kids of your own now, those little tykes you left tied to the furniture in the double wide to be here tonight. I know. I know where I am. Specifically for the reasonably priced seats up there. But here's what I'm thinking. Here's what I'm saying, though. Here's what I'm saying, my Gen Z and millennial brothers and sisters. If you're a young parent right now, you've got little kids, those little tykes, they're not going to stay little tykes forever. They're not going to stay adorable little tots forever. They're going to grow up. That's the way it works. They're going to grow up. And the pendulum's going to swing the other way. And they're going to rebel against your attitudes. They are coming. And they will make Caligula's Rome look like Mr. Roger's neighborhood. Hey! If I was a young parent right now, I would bail and rehab because you're going to need it. And to be honest, my millennial and Gen Z brothers and sisters, you kind of deserve it. You smug, self-righteous asshats. Now, wait. I know what you're thinking. Oh, come on, Greg, old comedian railing against young people. Well, I have to speak my truth, don't I? Speak your truth. What is your truth? Well, if you believe something to be true, that's your truth. Speak your truth. Do you know where I first heard that, actually, was from Harry and Meghan. Speak your truth. Don't get surly with me. They're your problem now. I like when one of them said, I can't remember which one it was, the one that complains the most. But one of them said, we have some news. I'm like, what? They said, someone in the royal family is a racist. I was like, it's nothing to do with them being royal. They're a family. If you don't know who the racist is in your family, it's because it's you. Grandpa would like to say a few words. No, he will not say a few words. Anyway, I like that young people annoy me. It means that we're still moving forward. We're still developing as a society. You know, I'm old, they're young. Because for a while there, I thought we were all just turning into robots. They're not cool robots like, you know, Jeff Peterson in the old late night show. I know. Everybody loved Jeff. I know. I love Jeff too. People still say to me, Greg, where's Jeff? No, we'll say the same thing. Fucking your mom. But I don't. We'll cut that out. But I don't say that. I think if I don't say it. No, I'm talking about the AI in our phones that we think like ones and zeros. You know, that's what AI stands for. Our invisible. Our invisible robots. And they were put in there by Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg. One of the two. I don't know who it was, but it was one of them. Did you know that Elon Musk has 28 children? I believe he has 28 children, therefore it's true. I'll tell you about Elon Musk. Do you guys remember a show called Teletubbies? Do you remember Teletubbies? I loved Teletubbies. I used to watch it with my boys when they were very little. I used to watch Teletubbies and I loved that show. You know, every time I watched it, I thought, man, I wish I still took hashish. I feel that it was, it would be a real kind of docaloron. But I loved it. I particularly loved Tinky Winky. How dare you? Tinky Winky was the best one with a big thing on its head and a handbag and a purse and an alcohol problem, I think, really, Tinky Winky. Tinky Winky had a drinky. Uh-oh. Tinky Winky fell down. Uh-oh. Do you remember in that show the little baby that used to come up when the sun came up? The little sun baby used to go uh-uh-uh-uh. The sun baby? That baby was Elon Musk. I believe it was. I don't think it was Mark Zuckerberg because he's not, you wouldn't have him as your, he's not an attractive man. He's not, well, I have to, look, I'm not judging, but there is a thing that he brings out in me that I don't like. It's not his fault, but he brings out something in me that I don't like about myself. I've never felt this emotion in my life, never even in junior high school, but every time I see even a photograph of Mark Zuckerberg, Zuckerberg, even just a photograph of him, all I want to do is just give him a purple nurple. Now, what is that? Anyway, what I'm saying is we have to stop thinking like robots. I've thought of a way of saving Earth from robot thinking. I used to have friends, I've still got them actually, friends, good friends, and I didn't agree with them at all. I've still got guys that come around. My wife still says to me, why is this guy coming around for dinner? You hate this guy. I'm like, I know, but he's my friend. That's how it works. But now it's like, you know, you have to think like a robot, agree with me or you're wrong. You think the way I think or you're cancelled. So we have to stop thinking like robots and we all have to think more like my auntie Betty who lives right here Hey, alright, she doesn't. I believe she does. No, my auntie Betty is a very emotionally well person. She's a very emotionally developed, very emotionally intelligent human being. If she disagrees with something you say, if she thinks you're talking shit, she doesn't try and cancel you. Here's how you know you're talking shit around my auntie Betty. You say whatever crap you say and then if she thinks you're talking crap, she'll do that. She'll say, oh, is that right? Well, show us what I know. Then you know you're talking shit. Now, I'm very fond of my auntie Betty. I'm very close with her still. She's not that much older than me. She's about 16 years older than me. And when I was born, my mum was very sick. She's my mum's youngest sister so she looked after me when I was a baby. You know, she looked after me when I was very young. It was the 1960s and she was the first person to put America in my head because she loved American rock and roll. Loved it. Her favourite was Little Richard. I know. She used to sing Tootie Fruity to me as a lullaby. I'd say, Tootie Fruity. Oh, La Rootie. Go to sleep, you little bastard. Years later, when Little Richard was on my late night show, I was surprised he didn't have a Scottish accent. And he was surprised when I fell asleep. He was surprised when I fell asleep during Tootie Fruity. That's stupid. You can't fall asleep during Tootie Fruity. Tootie Fruity, I'm awake, I'm awake! Anyway, about 18 months ago, I was talking to my Auntie Betty. I was in Scotland. I was talking to my Auntie Betty and some offers were coming in to go on the road and start doing stand-up again around these great United States. She said, are you going out? Are you going out and doing a stand-up tour? She was like, why Craig, why? It's always been your dream to appear in this city. I said... She said, you love doing stand-up. Why wouldn't you go out? I said, to be honest, Auntie Betty, it's the young people, it's the young people. I feel like they're waiting on the balls of their feet waiting just for you to say something wrong, anything wrong, and then they're boom, boom, and you're cancelled. That's it, it's over, you're done. And not only are you done now, anything you ever did is done. You're over, you never existed. I never felt that way at all with the young people. I said, what? She said, no, Craig, the young people today, I see it more like, do you remember that old David Bowie song in the 1970s when he sang cha-cha-cha-cha-changes? And I was like, no, no, Auntie Betty, no, not cha-cha-cha-changes, they're f-f-f-f-f-fascists, that's what they are. They're just artists, they're little kind of, they're pitchforks, and they're, I know, they're terrifying, they're nasty little Nazis. And then it went quiet, and then she said it. Who is that guy? Sooth, but I know. And that's when I knew I was talking shit. So I had to rethink my whole world view about the young people. I had to alter my entire Weltanschauung. You're welcome, one German academic. Finally, a joke for me. Oh, is that school? I was hoping to, maybe it would be one, at least one German joke, and here we are. That's stupid, stop it. German people don't walk like that. At the moment. Although I get a sense some people are stretching and getting ready, though. The word Weltanschauung, it's a German word, it's my entire world view about the young people, so I did. And here's what I think about the young people now. Here's the truth of it. You're right, it's your turn. It's not my turn. You're the youth. I'm old, I had my shot at it. If you guys want to take over and change the way the world works, how society works, how gender works, how music works, how politics works, how everything works, if you want to change it all, do it. You're right, it's your turn. However, if I accidentally cross over a line that you guys drew 20 minutes ago, and it won't be accidental, because I'm listening, I won't be just going, oh, sorry, didn't hear you, didn't hear you. If I accidentally cross over that line, or more likely I crossed over that line 20 years ago before you were born, then at that point, I also have to say, with all the love in the world, go **** yourself. There. That, to me, seems fair. I feel that's a decent compromise. I'm 61 years old. I'm not afraid of getting cancelled on social media. I'm afraid of getting cancelled by God. Craig, that tweet was inappropriate. Come on. Coming. No, wrong way. I think much more than I used to. Every time I go for a poop, I think, is this it? Right? I'm like, oh, no, it's all right. Here's a word, by the way, a word of advice if you're getting a bit older. If you have the beet salad one day, write it down and remember for the next day. You can give yourself a nasty turn. I think about it more than I used to. I thought I was going to die when I had the COVID. Did you guys hear about that, the COVID? I mean, I know it never got here, but did you hear about it? You guys are like, yeah, just keep walking. It was bad. I don't know if you guys know it was bad. I've had the COVID twice. It was bad. All the way to the front row, you've all got it again. Actually, I had to get tested for this, so I'm fine. I do feel a bit monkey poxy, though. I don't know. Maybe I just need some cortisone and a banana. I don't know. I had the COVID twice. It's bad. I had it right at the beginning, right at the very beginning, before masks or testing or anything, when it was still cool. I got it right then. Right at the very beginning. We didn't know what was happening. I got it right at the beginning when we thought you could get it from not having enough toilet paper in your ass. I got it. Quick, COVID's coming. Get toilet paper. Why? Well, you have to stuff it in your ass. Why? Well, the COVID bat flies into your house, and if it sees your ass is open, it flies up your ass, goes into your body. But if it flies in and your ass is full of toilet paper, the bat will go, I'll go somewhere else and fly away. I got it right at the beginning when we thought you could get it from not washing your groceries correctly. You buy your groceries, you buy your bleach, you get it for three days. That ham looked COVID-y to you? I don't know. I'm so hungry, I could eat a COVID bat. It was bad. And also, it wasn't just the COVID right at the beginning. Especially at the beginning, it was the fear. It was everywhere with the COVID. Because you didn't know what bonus feature you were going to get with the COVID. What are you going to get as your DVD extra? What are you going to get? You're going to get the cardiovascular thing? You're going to get the beet salad? What are you going to get? And I'll be honest with you, the first time I got COVID, COVID was bad, but the bonus feature was much, much worse. The bonus feature I got the first time with COVID was much worse than the COVID. I got as my bonus feature the first time around a horrible, agonizing, debilitating UTI. It was a particularly female, ooh, if you don't mind me saying so. Listen, I hear you, my sisters. I had no idea. I apologize. I'm here for you, ladies. I'm so sorry. I did not know. I had no idea. Cranberry juice. Unbelievable. You don't know what a UTI is. You're probably a dude. UTI stands for urinary tract infection. Oh, really, Greg? You can get an I. Greg, are you saying you didn't clean your vagina correctly? No, I did. I did clean it correctly, and anyway, that's not how you get it, you fricking asshole. I'm here and I apologize, ladies. I apologize. I had no idea. It was bad. I mean, it was so bad. I was sweating and horrible with COVID and my penis was on fire. It was like the 1980s all over again. My penis in a glass of cold water. It was like, ah. I can never go back to that, Denny's. Just the pancakes, please. Just the pancakes. It was really bad, and I was in Scotland when I got it. I was in Scotland, so I couldn't even see my regular doctor. Don't get me wrong, I love Scotland, but my doctor's in America. I apologize if I've offended any Scottish doctors who are here this evening. I know there's no Scottish doctors here. Nobody's smoking. I was in Scotland. I don't have a doctor there. I started phoning around trying to find a doctor with a phone in different offices. Couldn't get anyone. Eventually, I talked to a woman on the phone, and she said she was a doctor's receptionist, but looking back on it now, I realize she's probably a witch. You shall not talk to the doctor until you answer my questions three. Did you wash your groceries? Did you stuff toilet paper in your arse? It was all of that. She kept questioning. Eventually, I said, look, you've got to listen to me. I'm in bad shape here. I said, look, it's not just the COVID. I've also got a very inflamed penis, and I swear this is what she said. She went, any more of that talk and I'm hanging up. I managed to persuade her I was sick. The doctor will see you first thing Monday morning. This was Friday night. I said, it's Friday night. I could be dead by Monday morning. She said, well, you should have washed your groceries and hung up. The whole weekend, I was in this flat in Glasgow, in this apartment in Glasgow, and I was sweating and dying. I was like, oh, my God. And about 4 o'clock in the morning on the Saturday, I swear this is true, I was standing in the bathroom naked, naked with my penis in a glass of cold water, and my penis was very distressed. I said, Snorky, it's all right, boy. That's right, Snorky. I said, quiet, Snorky, quiet. It's all right, boy. I was really bad, but here's the thing. I swear this is true. I was sweating. I was like delirious with a fever. A fever wouldn't go away, and I was standing with my penis in a glass of cold water, and I started to kind of hallucinate in this odd way. And I heard a voice, but it wasn't really a voice. It was my voice, and it said a thing, and I went, wow, you're a very sick man, Craig Ferguson, and if you're going to live through this, I'm going to put it in the act. Turn an adversary into gold. So I went to see the doctor first thing Monday morning, and it was a bit tricky, because the doctor was a Scottish Protestant lady doctor, and I'm a Scottish Protestant man patient, so things are a little tense anyway. And she said, you know, I talked to her about the COVID, and I said, I've got COVID. She went, okay, and then she could tell there was something else wrong, and she said, no, it's my penis, doctor. And I swear she did this. She went, oh, great. All right, we better have a look at it. So I got off the table, and I took down my pants, and I swear she did this. She went, oh, that is very unpleasant. Ten points off Slytherin. She got a little tongue depressor thing, and she moved it, moved it, and she went, oh, it looks like a snail with leprosy. I said, am I going to die? She said, no, you're not going to die. It's a UTI, you big baby. I'll give you some antibiotics, and it'll clear right up. I said, what about the COVID? Am I going to die from that? She said, I don't know. That obviously is funny. I'm sorry to the young people for talking about my illnesses. Sorry, everybody, but I've reached that age. When I was young, my stories were great. It was like, yeah, we took some Patagonian acid, we stole the space shuttle, and drove it to Hooters. Now my stories are just, well, it turns out I had an infection in my pee-pee hole. Looked like a snail with leprosy. Nobody tells you that but getting older, either. Your mouth just falls open all the time. You don't even know. I caught myself at a stoplight the other day, just, anyway, sorry about talking about my illnesses. I won't do it again. The second time I got COVID, the bonus feature was very strange indeed. It wasn't anything to do with my pee-pee, thank goodness. I got something as my bonus feature, something called, and maybe medical professionals may know it, a shillazion. Do you know what that is? No, I didn't know either. I thought it sounded adorable. A shillazion? Well, that's lovely. It sounds like a leprechaun's walking stick or something. Don't touch me, shillazion, and I'll give you a port-a-goo. This is how leprechauns walk, apparently. I'm sorry for walking like this. I've got a UTI. Anyway, a shillazion is a horrible, very unpleasant eye infection. And it looks like a sty, but it's not a sty. It's very different. And I was like, and I was in Scotland again and I had to go and see the same doctor that I'd looked at my pee-pee at the previous thing. And I went in and she looked at my eye and she went, it was bad. It was all swollen. She went, oh, what's that? I went, hence my visit to you, doctor. She went, it looks like a sty. I went, yeah, I thought it might be that. She went, hmm, okay. She said, I better have another look at your penis just in case. I said, no, no, forget it. That's the stupidest thing I've said so far. You've had your chance. All right, shut up. Anyway, she said, it looks like a sty. I went, okay. She went, okay, it's a bad one though. I said, I know. She said, okay, I'll give you a course of antibiotics. I'll take care of it. I went, okay. So I start taking this course of antibiotics and I leave Scotland and I come back to America and I go to Los Angeles and my eye's not getting better. It's getting worse and worse. So I go and see my American doctor and I walked in and at this point my eye's like a baboon's anus on my face. I walk in and he looks at it and he goes, oh, wow, what's that? I don't know. He went, yeah, it looks like a sty. I went, yeah, I know. He went, okay, I'm going to give you a course of antibiotics. I said, I took antibiotics in Scotland and they didn't work. He went, hmm, American antibiotics. American antibiotics will kill your motherfucking eye. American antibiotics will take away that sty. American antibiotics when you are feeling rough. American antibiotics built for time. I'm like, yeah, give me some of those American antibiotics. He went, okay, and he ordered them and the American antibiotics arrived in a monster truck. They came in a monster truck and it was being driven by Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris jumped out in a monster truck and he landed in front of me. He opened his pants and a bald eagle flew out of his pants and circled my antibiotics into my mouth and I felt them tingle to every one of my red, white and blue veins and they didn't work. Because antibiotics don't work on a Chalazian but we don't know it's a Chalazian yet and I'm starting to get really worried now. Like, really worried now. I start going on the internet looking around for cures, which is a very bad idea. Don't do that. I ended up, for some reason, I don't know why, on Gwyneth Paltrow's website. Look, I don't want to be disloyal, my sisters. You know I'm on your side Maybe. I read a thing. I don't know if it's still up there but I read a thing on that. This is true. It's like, ladies, if you're feeling a lot of negative emotions and you've got a lot of, you know, just depression and bad things going on in your body, try putting a hand tag in your vagina for a while and it will absorb the negative emotions. I'm like, are you crazy? That's insane. That's dangerous. What if that hatched? What if you're sitting in church just in the quiet bit when you're meant to think about Jesus and you hear, Susan, what's that? It's just gas. Anyway, I'm freaking out. I've got this eye infection. I don't know what it is. And I thought, oh, you know what? I had acupuncture once for something and it really helped. Oh, memory loss. I got it for memory loss. Traditional Chinese medicine center in Santa Monica, California, a big place, very legit. And I go in and I walked out and my eyes really swollen. The doctor looked at my eye and he went, ah-ha. Now, wait, no, hang on. That is not me doing a Chinese accent. I understand and the rules are correct. I agree with them. You don't do accents of a race which you don't belong to. It's bullying and it's nasty and it makes people feel bad about themselves. There's a white guy from Sacramento that studied at the University of Beijing. He said, **** you, millennials. It's true. So he looked at my eye and he went, ah, eye infection. I went, yeah. He went, okay, take off your socks and shoes. I went, what? He went, take off your socks and shoes. I went, all right. I took off my socks and shoes and he got an acupuncture needle and he went between my big toe and the toe next to it and he said, **** you. But it is. I had a girlfriend once who said, I think it's a sign of intelligence. I was like, no one knew it, isn't it? I didn't say that. I thought it. I didn't say it. Anyway, he gets this needle and he goes between my big toe and the toe next to it and he goes with the needle and my eye went, ah. He went, wow. I thought, finally, we are getting somewhere. So he kept doing it. He's going, boom, my eye's going, boom, ow, boom, ow, boom, ow. I was like, is this going to cure my eye? He said, no, but it's cool, isn't it? Isn't it cool? I said, it is cool, but I'm looking for something that will cure my serious eye infection. He said, well, look, Craig, I'm not an expert, he said, but if I had an eye infection and I didn't know what it was, I'd go and see a specialist eye doctor. I was like, you are so wise. So I did. I went to see a specialist eye doctor in Beverly Hills, California. Thanks, everybody. Now, I walked in to see this eye doctor who, she, ironically, was Chinese with a very thick Chinese accent. Now, obviously, I'm not going to do that. I'm not. So let's pretend that the Chinese doctor had a French accent because nobody gives a **** about you people. And to be honest, even the French are like, sure, fine, we don't care. Definitely cut this bit out. But anyway, so I walked in and she looked at my eye and she went, zut alors! She was leaning on a lamppost wearing a trench coat and smoking a cigarette. She said, I'm afraid, Craig, what you have is a chalazion. I said, well, what is it? She said, a chalazion, Craig, is an eye infection of a particular type. It is a piece of dirt or detritus. It blocks the tear duct and it gets infected. Now, normally, it becomes a little pus ball. We pop the pus ball like when the clown cries. She said, but your chalazion, because your immune system has been compromised by the COVID-19, your chalazion has calcified. It has hardened. It has become like a little rock, like a pearl inside an oyster at the bottom of the ocean where the fish make their home. She said, I'm afraid we're going to have to operate. I had to have an eye operation, which I don't know if you've ever had an eye operation, but it's nowhere near as much fun as you think it's going to be. First of all, I couldn't have any fun-time, sleepy-time drugs because I used up my quota of fun-time, sleepy-time drugs some time ago. If I take sedatives, things get a little arrest-y. I don't know if any doctors here will know this, the eye is an extremely difficult place to get a local anesthetic into. You can try, but it doesn't really work. We tried, but I could feel everything. She put a clamp in my eye to hold it open for the operation, a clamp, which it was like that movie Clockwork Orange. You young people, if you haven't seen that movie, you should see it. It's hilarious. I love the idea of a touchy millennial going like this. Even Stanley Kubrick, who made that movie, was like, I'm sorry, everybody, I probably shouldn't have done that. Anyway, she put the clamp in my eye. She was a great doctor, a real genius, an artist. She made a little incision with a scalpel. I felt her doing it, and then I felt the tweezers going in, the little things, and she wriggled it around in there and she found the little stone and she said, oh, that's good, do the other side. Then I sent the recipe to Gwyneth Paltrow. So the stone, the little chalazion was in the dish and I said to the doctor, I said, doctor, and she said, oui. I said, that, that chalazion, could I keep that? She said, bien sur, but of course. It is your chalazion. You grow the grapes to make the sauvignon. So this is true, I got the chalazion, I got it dried out, I got it varnished, I got it mounted, put into a ring, and I gave it to my wife for her birthday. And she said, wow, that's unusual, what's that? I said, it's a chalazion. She said, what's a chalazion? I said, it's an Irish pearl. She said, is it very expensive? I went, oh yes, I'll have to do two shows in Minneapolis to pay for this. And here we are. I'll tell you why I bring it up. I mean, my wife, we've been married for 15 years and I, I was, we were in lockdown together. Now, we were in Scotland during the lockdown, which is not like American lockdown. In America, what did you guys do for lockdown? You closed a Piggly Wiggly for a day or something? That's not a lockdown. Lockdown in Scotland, we were in Scotland and they locked it down for about two months. You had to stay in your house. You went out of your house, somebody would be like, get back in your hoose, you filthy COVID monkey. Get some toilet paper in your arse, before you kill us all. Anyway, the thing was, we were, you know, locked together in the house for two months together and normally, you know, I'm out working, I'm doing stuff, I'm going around and we were locked together a lot more time together than we were used to spending together and I had no idea how much I irritated this woman. It's like, wow, I am sick. And I started to, just to abuse myself in no way judgmentally, I started to observe her and see how irritated she was getting by me using a system based on the flightless bird of New Zealand, the emu. Do you know the emu or emu? The emu is a bird in New Zealand, very angry bird, not like an angry bird on your phone, not like a ho-ho-ho angry bird, like a very angry bird, like about 100,000 people a year are killed by emus. I believe that to be true. Anyway, what it is, if I'm irritating my wife, what happens is, I can tell I'm irritating her because her hand starts to take the form of an emu and it comes up and it whispers to her and then it looks at me and she talks to me, tells me where I'm going wrong and I can take that, it's not that dangerous but when another emu comes up there's two emus and if the emus start talking to each other you know you're in trouble because that's when you're going to get that's not how you get a UTI you ******* idiot! Anyway, this is her favourite joke. Now I didn't write this joke, it's not my joke, I take no responsibility for this joke, it's not, I mean she doesn't laugh at things I say, we're married. So, but she loves this joke and even though it's a Scottish joke she's from here. Right here. Here, like two blocks away. She's from New England which if you don't know New England it's just like Old England that's had people of tea. Oh, you're from New England, yes, I can tell because of your magical white mousetowns. The favourite with Griselda in the balcony. Anyway, look, this is her favourite joke. Very simple joke. Set up, punchline, we're done. Here it is. Now you've got to wait for the joke. You can just wheeze right away. Here's the joke. What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt? On a good day, lipstick. There, there's the joke. I don't know, really? I don't love it. To me that joke's a little heteronormative, you know what I'm saying? Although it would depend on what was under the kilt and then who applied it and what it was applied with, so... I think I'll just fix that joke. What a time to be alive. Goodnight everybody, goodnight, goodnight.