VERY HONEST WEEK IN MY LIFE (I'm not doing well)

this week was by no means the best week of my life but this is a very honest week in my life Vlog as someone who is really struggling mentally with grief feeling overwhelmed feeling like I'm not enough feel like I'm not doing enough I'm not trying to rain on your parade but I feel like I share a ton of the highs on this channel and a lot of the Noto great things and that's just where we're at this week next week it's so much better it has gotten so much better thank God but I hope you guys still enjoy this Vlog I know it's a little bit of a downer but it just it's reality and I hope it makes you guys feel less alone happy Monday y'all it is now Monday evening and I am actually meal prepping for the week I did this last week and it made me feel like a million bucks like I was doing it I was like genuinely I felt like I was like packing my lunch for school the next day and I was like a not me acting like meal prepping is this like brand new thing I just discovered but I haven't meal propped in years I'm home all week I don't have the craziest schedule so I'm really looking forward to just a cozy calm peaceful healthy productive week at home um I just go back from South by South West this week we are doing a little postt travel routine getting back into my routine anyways I hope you guys enjoyed this Vlog be sure to subscribe and I'll talk to you soon [Music] conspiracy [Music] theory you Inspira like because [Music] right same chocolate the same do it I just got a very exciting package from carway carway is by far my favorite cookware everyone in my family is on these like it is the best there is no comparison easiest cleanup I mean there's just nothing that compares anyways I'm really excited because they made little minis which is amazing for breakfast like a little egg scramble oh my God they're so cute oh my God these are really really cute especially if you live alone like they're actually the perfect size and they always come with with these little cabinet organizers which I really appreciate oh little tops guys they're actually so cute oh my god um I will link these all my kitchen favorites linked on my shop my kitchen page but it's amazing especially if you live alone or you're just cooking for One Happy Tuesday y'all I just made my second coffee of the day I went to scul this morning and then I went on a run on Tuesday mornings I take a lot of calls so I have some team calls we've got some PR stuff got a bunch of stuff for a friend of mine being an adult sometimes is just so not fun guys literally at all I'm wearing my sweatpant jeans again guys I cannot recommend these enough they are the best things ever it makes you feel so much more put together but they're so comfortable like I cannot get over them I wish I had a code I don't think I do but I will have them linked below and they are so unbelievably worth it I'm just upset obsess with them so anyways we're going to get back to work good morning [Music] hi guys Macy's arrived at my house K was really busy and I was like you've been so busy you didn't even notice oh did you get your blood drawn four pokes but we found the one she was like this one's really good because I've always been gasolin thinking that I have no good veins but she had she literally slapped me to get it and that hurt so bad that the needle even hurt but this is right right here can you IM they're just like beating you up there bony my tiny little hand bony yeah like she was like oh no but um I've always said that I have the world's worst veins and she was like they're just really thin I was like you think I'm thin girl yeah I've been working at a coffee shop like this like wow no you definitely want attention for it yeah I'm going to wear it to danc at the Stars tonight wait let me show you what I picked up oh perfect I think I'm just going to go casual like I can't be expecting to get pulled up on stage oh oh you already have it picked out okay perfect cute what is that just a Blazer oh cute like white T-shirt and jeans and this okay so business casual cuz I'm working exactly that's what I at yeah yeah that's kind of perfect I I was thinking of more of a country option but the dance that they pull people up for is country and they all wear boots and I'm like I can't be like too obvious expecting this yeah it's like when someone wears white to get engaged that's the same thing P to the beach yes exactly she knew she was getting engaged totally oh you like my new shoes oh yeah they're so cute thanks wow love that what a good vibe oh yes yes of course I literally can't take it off like it makes you feel so cool ncy I'm really proud of you for getting your blood drawn I know that takes a lot like especially on a Tuesday like Vibes aren't always there no my Tuesday Vibes are really down right now but I'm going to like turn them around which is shocking cuz usually my my Wednesday ones are really messed up with going to J it's okay you it's okay well I already actually meal prepped yesterday well SE I went to Starbucks because they now have the TRU hot sauces which I got all over you are a marketer stream yeah yeah I am yes Macy and I always say we're Mar stream because like we'll buy anything like anything you deserve more and the no and the food element yes well since you don't want yours I guess I'll have two oh wait okay I'll eat it then I would yeah oh you want both of them now I was want to try it with this wait okay so you're eating R I'm just having a bite okay or pred Tru is so good I've never really had it Tru is really good I had it in my fridge forever this sandwich is a billion times better with the trough really a billion times better I know the Sriracha this what I normally get but the shacha it used to come with wait this is so much better yeah jalapeno lime next I'm reading by the fire I actually just started a long time gone by Charlie Donley this is our book club book pck for my book club with my friends the next book that we're reading for house guest podcast book club by the the way is I forget the name of it it's like the most famous Hostess or something like that it seems really interesting I will have it on the screen but we're reading with Shannon Ford which is going to be so fun this afternoon I had a little mini crash out January through March are very hard months for me I'm one year into this so I'm figuring this out now just really hard grief month it's like the anniversary of my brother's passing and his birthday and it's just like I am not doing well like at all it really just comes in waves you really never know but it's just not been the best time at all and then I just put so much pressure on myself to do all these things and like with friend of mine I just feel like I'm flopping right now and like we have one of the most exciting things that's happened to friend of mine was sent out last week so it's like there are great exciting things that I should be proud of but running a business there's so much added stress on you and like I love it and I believe in it I'm so excited about but it's just so hard so if you were running a small business like this is not easy my anxiety's just been really bad but I think it's just all grief also there's like other things going on it's just it's just been bad but I am treating myself out here I'm okay I also just put a lot of stress on myself like at all times to be doing something every single hour and like I can't really just like relax which might sounds stupid to you guys and you're like oh she's an influencer like I just want to be a little bit more chill I want to kind of restructure my brain with how I think about my days and like scheduling and just kind of like relax a little and take a breather from time to time I want to make a small list of just small things that I want to change about my life for example I want to be spending more time outside of my backyard I want to be scrolling a lot less on my phone I found that that just makes me so miserable and I've been doing that more lately versus like reading or needle pointing or whatever and even if I'm reading I don't have to read from bed I can read by the fire outside or like read at the pool or whatever it is like I'm so lucky to have the coolest house ever and I just have been so depressed that I'm just in my bed 24/7 so I'm trying to like get myself out I've been really good about working out which I'm like always good about working out normally um but I've been saing after and getting my steps in which really helps I find that I'm like great in the morning and then like noon or 1:00 p.m. hits and it's just like I'm done like emotionally you know what I mean yeah I don't want to like go on and on about how I just feel horrible about myself right now like I because really it's probably just the today thing these are just the reality ities I think of one probably being in your 20s and also running a business the highs are high and the lows are low feels amazing outside oh okay hold on guys I have got to move this firewood oh there was fire just now like outside of the fire pit and I'm pretty sure oh my God it was just going to catch everything on fire so that would have been good my neighbors would really love that anyways I'm going to get back to reading my book and enjoying my peace because it is so necessary right now [Music] do you think it's control thiss way we live together because now social media it do not happened tell me what they do after school and on weekends are they seeing friends or they in after school this is what you read about I'm like go to the home you know how to flag a strange are there any other kids that they're doing this fantastic do they safe as necess not as safe as used to babysit I was so nervous for the food and these are realities too that's right especially in America dinner doing all the [Music] time guys of course the day that I'm feeling like mentally a little bit better I'm sick I am like burning up and I need to get some of the stuff filmed and said sent in we had to workout this morning at 8:30 Macy texted me at 800 a.m. a photo of her like in the parking garage saying that she was going home sick I guess she like went really early and didn't feel good I felt fine until she told me that and then like 45 minutes later I was at the workout and I'm like oh my God I'm not well just been like Downing armor colostrum but I did stop at the store because I really have been craving my gonanas I haven't tried this you need to I'm not affiliated they've sent me some gifting in the past I haven't tried just the banana bread mix I feel like I've tried a ton of other flavors and I really wish I had the other flavors I mean these are still going to be amazing I'm just obsessed with them they're so good and they're like vegan gluten-free dairy free all those things I put like the dairy stuff in I'm like from Texas so I don't really do that stuff but if you want to be healthier or if you don't have things realistically I actually am going to be going that route because that's the stuff that I have right now and also makes your house smell incredible and that's kind of the vibe that I need to get I need to be like tricking myself into a better vibe [Music] I'm going to make some banana bread I'm also going to put on CH Kardashian's podcast love that woman Chris is on today like H there's nothing better than looking forward to a good podcast this morning I was listening to armchair expert I love armchair expert and they talk to the man who wrote the generation book which like I've never had an interest in because like not a parent uh but I actually really really enjoyed it I feel like I got stuff out of it for me I mean it is about jenz so like I am jenzy but it is now 6:00 p.m. and I'm drinking a coffee and we are in bed I'm not going to lie I had another crash out today I took a little depression nap it's been a very bad grief week and then when I have bad grief weeks then it just Trails into my career and everything's doing horribly and blah blah blah and like I am in a very hard phase of running friend of mine like it's very very difficult I don't have a big team like it's just and like I am in a hard phase of running friend of mine outside of that it's just so tough anyways I'm going to drink some coffee and I'm going to at least get my life organized like now is not a good time to do this but like should I move to a side part listen my hair is really gross so this isn't this isn't helping I think we're going to keep the middle I also heated up some of my meal prep I'm going to organize my whole life on notion and then I'm going to make a list of things to do that will make me a happier human being and get me out of this depressive slump now these are really small things that you can do I actually do have a pretty big life change coming up in like 2 weeks maybe that's making me emotional like I don't really know I mean it's not that drastic what if I was like I'm going to get poop job I'm just kidding like it's not any surgery I'm watching P Anderson's Hulu show again I've watched this multiple times it's a really good background show she's just everything if you watch season 1 and season 2 my favorite thing is how season 1 she marries like one of the contractors season 2 the man's nowhere to be seen they finally address it like a couple episodes in that they split but he was like a massive part of the show and they go to season 2 and he has literally nowhere to be found so I'm obviously Googling it cuz I'm like obviously they split and she barely even like acknowledges it like she is such a queen she's everything I love love love her like she's just everything to me also my bedding and my sheets are not correct right now it is bothering me cuz it really does not match my room at all but the cute little ladybugs like I'm kind of obsessed with that this just going to be in another room and they're here so anyways organizing my life digitally will be very helpful to me and I'm also going to work on my newsletter that comes out this week if you guys haven't signed up for that you really should because every week I'm sharing like what I'm currently reading favorite products the new episode link if you guys are interested um what I've been learning I used to do these podcast episodes in my early 20s and like I'm really working on looking back at my past self and not saying she's cringe like obviously you look back and you're like H and instead I'm retraining my brain to say oh she's so cute like look what she did that's so sweet you know um but I used to have this series on my podcast like what I've been learning lately and I'm bringing it back to the newsletter and I'm just like sharing some random thing this week I'll probably be talking a little bit more in depth on like grief or something I don't know anyways I like really open up and I love that newsletter so you guys should definitely subscribe if you guys haven't already it's just like one email a week nothing crazy I'm just going to get to work I'm hoping this coffee makes me stay up like all night I also don't feel good like I really do feel sick so that hasn't helped this Crush out guys like we're going to come Friday we're going to be out of this say I've gone in and I've organized my life in the past couple of hours I haven't done anything like too crazy cuz I have to wait till tomorrow basically but it's looking really really good I did start a blog by the way in case you guys are interested or you ever need links to anything it's all on the blog I was working on a lot of my sister's like Bachelorette planning and stuff today this is so simple but it is a really good start started editing my Vlog from last week and I'm just like damn I'm so sad in it and it's so parent and I feel like I didn't even realize it last week like I obviously know I'm like really going through it but I don't think I realize like how obvious it was I don't know um I really don't even want to like open up and talk about grief just because it's like it just I can't even go there right now I think I just need to like I don't I don't even know I really don't know hoping tomorrow is a better day updates to come on that I have been staying healthy and my routine and stuff which is good I mean not my day-to-day routine I've been taking depression naps and then working until late but like as far as like my morning routines and stuff I don't know guys sometimes you just have to crash out like it's okay normalize it literally it's fine it's it's fine I'm getting in bed to read my book and go to sleep hi Coco how are you how are you oh she's so perfect the book that I'm reading right now is my book club book for the one that I have my friends long time gone Charlie Donley I'm about halfway through it's good so far kind of makes me feel weird for some reason maybe I'm just in a weird mood um but it's good this is something I don't think I've ever been able to articulate well or to put into words but I do just want to voice it because maybe one of y'all will understand part of me is thinking too like my little brother had OCD I'm like maybe this is like an OCD thing and I just don't know like I don't know how to describe it but the way that I am about time is like honestly takes all the joy out of my life like and it's not day to day with friends it's like my own schedule and I am like in charge of my own schedule granted there are times and meetings that I have to be in and things like that of course but I don't know it's like I expect so much I can never just relax there has to be like even today like going to Sprouts after my workout like really drove me crazy because I should have been home like 10 minutes earlier cuz that's what I had in my calendar like I don't I don't know I've just kind of always been that way and I feel like it like takes the joy out of my life and I'm not like I can be spontaneous but that's when I know I'm going to be with a friend so like I have that plan to be relaxed on a day-to-day with myself I feel like I should always be doing more which I've talked about in the past decade of this YouTube channel but I don't know I just feel like there's something deeper like as I get older I'm like I don't think it's just and I'm not trying to like diagnose myself or anything I really don't know I'm just like putting this out there I don't think it's just like being a high achiever I think it's anxiety around time I don't even know oh my Coco right now that was so cute okay I'm not able to articulate this well because I can't even describe it well it just really makes me go mad like I I feel like I just Tes up a lot of space in my head I don't even mean I don't mean this at all in the way I was like I have the craziest schedule like literally at all I mean it in the sense of like I put so much pressure on myself that I won't even give myself 15 minutes to like go off and do something else and just push things back 15 minutes it's not a big deal I don't even know what I'm trying to say I would just like to be more laidback in my daytoday I think I'm laid back weirdly as a friend I'm like very we always say that like you would think out of like Macy and I that like I'm the uptight one and she's the chill one and like it's actually the opposite way like as far like as far as like when you're hanging out and doing things like she's not like so uptight but she's definitely a lot more uptight than I am like when it comes like socially I'm really actually easygoing but when it comes like myself dayto day and my schedule and like routine I'm just really really type A and I'm too extreme and I would like to take it back to where I can just relax since I feel like I'm operating in a state of anxiety at all times versus just kind of like taking a breather I notice when I'm in other places besides like my home which I've crafted this routine in I can Do It um and that's just wherever I'm living at that time I've noticed it in every other place and sometimes like my environment that I'm living in will just become like such an anxiety ball for me that like I fix it by moving but then I do it to the next place too I don't know if any of this is making sense I really hope it's not coming across like in a wrong way but I just really I don't know I just don't want to be like that anymore I don't want to live my life that way I just I want to just be more calm cool collected not operating out of anxiety and like my daytoday if that makes any sense at this point with everything in my life my God needs to step in honestly like there needs to be something like seriously please God are you listening you know anyways I'm going to read my book El first of all they wouldn't even let you keep a rubber band rubber band they said they're people for that rubber welcome to another day of my depression week all right guys it's now 3:30 and I'm making myself get out of the house just been working from home really haven't been able to come back I came back last night it woke up this morning and I was like Wow life still sucks so anyways um I about to go get a late lunch with Sierra and then we're going to the mall for a little Free People event and then I need to get home get back to work but this is what I'm wearing I'm wearing the sweatpant jeans again Guys these are the best jeans ever I'm wearing a size medium like they're just so good they're so comfortable especially for days like today when I'm really anxious like I made myself put on a cute little outfit I'm going to get a meal with a friend get out of the house and then I'm expecting to just feel like a brand new woman okay but I don't want to wear real pants so I'm wearing these they're sweatpants like I seriously cannot Rec with them enough at first when I saw them on people I was like I don't know about that and then I got my own pair and I was like where have these been all my life anyways this top is AST label we actually have a code for it house guest 20 I think and then my sement shoes as always chel I got it from the real real did not pay a full price and I'm leaving we're going to go get some pizza and we'll chat soon even putting on like a real outfit give myself a blowout like that really did something for me [Music] love this skirt I guess score I'm never really super comfortable in skirts and it's a score but it's also a little scrunched up here so it's really really flattering I'm going to get a size 29 and I'm going to get the other wash of them they're so good like if you two struggle with jean skirts and shorts in general this is what you need time for a bit of a haul I just got the sickest belt from Seven Hills okay fits let's give me a second um I actually have been looking for a brown belt with silver hardware for so long I got one an hour ago and then came home to this belt like look at how stunning this belt is Seven Hills is a small business and I have a lot of their belts and I really really like them this belt is everything to me the quality is unreal like I'm such a belt girl I need to do an updated belt collection I actually might film that very soon because I just oh my God I love them then I actually own this belt but in the wrong size so I've tried to wear it before um but I haven't been able to so I hope this is right yet this is the right size so I have this belt in brown with the same like Buckle but this one's a cow high like this is so fun really picky when it comes to cwh high but but I love this again stunning now this one like guys look at this that Buckle is unbelievable it's just classic Brown oh my God I love these I'm like all out of belt storage I need more I feel like I love belts and shoes my stap pant jeans you know I made this order because Macy was gifted one of these makeup bags for her birthday and I really need to really organize my like travel make makeup stuff cuz I've got a lot of like back and forth stuff coming up so I actually just got another bag that I think will be good for like skin care and hair care and all that stuff but I got this one which I think I maybe got the wrong size essentially all of your brushes and things that need to stand up can stand up around here and then allegedly like I don't know if this is going to be too big but I like how it kind of like flaps down a little bit I feel like it'll be better for packing it's one of my favorite colors it actually matches my luggage and then I got a smaller version as well I might use this I really don't know what I'll use this for like everyday stuff maybe or Chargers or whatever it might be um but I like how they seem to be a little more flexible and it's don't have a makeup bag that I like die for and I feel like at this point in my life I'm really going to need one so anyways I really like this so far we're going to pack my bags tomorrow I need to pack my bags all my like must have stuff little order from mesh key this stuff was sent to me I got this little set which like I don't know how I feel about about tiny shorts it really just depends on the day and then this top which I thought was cute so we'll see how I like it this dress I think is really cute this little yellow thing maybe I'll wear this to go wedding dress shopping with Maddie next weekend I feel like that could be really cute actually so that might be the vibe from free people today they invited us in so we got to pick up a couple things and guys I have found the score of the summer I said this a little bit earlier in the dressing room but this thing as you can tell there's a little bit extra fabric so it's like gathered which I find to be a little more flattering it makes your waist like feel very small it just like snatches you in and it's short but it's not uncomfortable as a skirt and they're shorts it's the best thing ever I'm wearing a size 29 in them and I want to get them in the other wash they just didn't have a size 29 at the store but guys like these I will be living in I just like don't love shorts and I don't love skirts and I just like feel weird about them but honestly I feel like a billion times better going into the summer like genuinely feel like genuinely I feel like a billion times better going into summer with these because I feel very confident in them and I just love them like they're so flattering something about the little bunch out there oh my God they hit perfectly they're so comfortable you don't have to worry about like wearing something underneath I mean these are just the greatest thing ever so I will link these below I don't know why I said that I will like so serious but so good I also got these two skirts skirts if you will these are both in a size large I am typically a size anywhere from like 28 to 30 and I'm a size 6 and then I'm wearing a large in this cute I figured this is like a fun little skirt for summer also good for it's like a swimsuit cover up $50 and then I got the same skirt skirt if you will in black and I think it's fun I think it might shrink like a little bit but I really like these and I felt very confident in them okay so I got this brown belt because I really wanted a brown belt look at C right there the drama I really wanted a brown belt with silver hardware and I came home to a brown belt with silver Hardware this is a little bit different and I just think this is so fun I love this like I need to make a belt storage a belt a Belle collection video am I okay like the answer is no honestly this week has just been something let me tell you I'm honestly like really excited and I know this sounds like so silly but I just like always feel like a little insecure and like denim skirts and shorts like I just don't feel like they're the most flattering on mean I don't feel like super comfortable but like I genuinely feel so much better now that I found those and I love them like I know that sounds probably really stupid but I just like feel confident and I feel so much better like actually that is my favorite thing I think that I own at this point I also got like eight bras from Lively I my favorite bra ever is from Lively and I thought about it the other day like I need to get new bras like I feel like I haven't gotten a new bra in Forever when on lively I don't know if they're like going out of business or what but I got eight bras discounted for $81 and like I don't need eight but I got like them for every single thing like strapl list back list like all the things that I don't have I was like I might as well because it was on such major sale so anyways um I hope they're not going out but if you guys need good bra recks I really really like Lively so anyway getting out of the house I feel like was what I needed I don't feel like 100% by any means but I'm feeling a little bit better so I need to go put this stuff away happy Friday y'all I'm feeling a lot better ever since last night this morning worked out my dad came over for breakfast like we're we're on the up okay now I'm picking up the art that I really wanted I'm so excited and we are back yeah I think so pH oh my gosh this is literally perfect yay oh my gosh I'm so excited perfect to give yall a better view of what I got framed this is the piece that I've been so excited for the actual art itself is Taylor cook I found her on Tik Tok and I saw this I love chickens roosters that's like my whole thing friend of mine you know dolly or hen it I grew up with them like all over my house like on wallpaper not like in the house anyways I saw this says Foul Play so fun and I just fell in love with it there was a couple others that she had that that I loved but they were sold out and then I damped her and I ended up getting one made custom from her and it's really cute it's coming next week I think and it says the stars at night are big and bright like from deep in the Heart of Texas and then it's a bunch of chickens with cowboy hats on and then stars above their head like they're dizzy it's really really really cute I'm so excited about it I just love this I think it's so fun part of me is like I wish I would have gone with a different frame but I don't know just for like what I'm planning on doing with it now I don't know I think it's just kind of perfect so that's good and then I got this photo framed of Harry and I during the AA episode which by the way is up now that is my favorite podcast episode I have ever ever ever done and this is going to go straight to the hosting closet like it's so cute oh my God obsessed he hit me he hits me but dude enough about my yes dude okay guys a little bit of an update I'm feeling a little bit better I have thought about scrapping this entire Vlog but this is just realistic and this is like where I'm at in life and honestly like it is what it is I realized that I needed to get out of the house so if you're feeling this way get out of the house and go see people I was just isolating a little bit too much and I think that sometimes just like there's just waves I mean for me right now it's waves of grief that hit me that like I literally cannot come up from like I do everything I possibly can and I cannot come up from them no matter what happens happens but it does pass things do settle a little bit and I'm really glad hang out with SI yesterday really LIF in my spirits Our Queen and then this morning I just felt a lot better I stayed up last night until 2:00 in the morning getting some work done and then I like I don't do that like I go to bed early okay and I'm reading our book club book the one that I'm having with my friends and I it's the long long time coming something it's a Charlie da book I like it and I'm almost done with it and I'm actually like thinking about it and wanting to go back to it and that's how you know it's a good book doesn't matter what happens though right now I'm at the point of my like depression where afternoon hits and I'm so exhausted I mean I did go to bed at 2: a.m. last night that might be it but even without that like I'm so tired in the middle of the day so part of me is like I think I just need to go nap and get back to it later you know what I mean this that's okay this is real life and sometimes it just sucks and that's just kind of it so literally hate that I makeup on right now guys I'm back in the jeans I just edited last week's Vlog and like I know I know I keep talking about them and it's so annoying and like I understand that they're expensive but like buy one pair you'll wear them every day okay and they're kind of like my depression pants but I don't want them to be called that I don't want us I don't want that to be I don't want us to hold them to that because if I'm wearing them on Instagram I'm actually having a fab time I don't want everyone to think I'm depressed okay maybe I am I likely am but these are just the best like I literally can't stop so anyways that is that [Music]