Another 20+ Minutes of Funny Moments! | Volume.2 | Joe Lycett

I did try a January again this year for different reasons. I went to the doctor last summer and I was feeling tired all the time and he did some tests and apparently I'm deficient. I'm deficient in vitamins B, D, folic acid and omega-3. And he said, one, eat better because I eat loads of trash and also go to a pharmacy, get a supplement with all of these in, you'll start to feel better. So I went to Boots. The only supplement that has all of these in is pregnancy support. So I've been on pregnancy support for the last few months and I tell you what, I feel like a pregnant woman. I sit down backwards onto chairs, I do that one, talk about myself the whole ******* time. I'm a pregnant woman. Sorry if you're preg, I'm going to be slagging you off now. It's just, I'm turning 30 this year, so many of my friends are having kids. I've got a text actually which you can use if you'd like. I'm so thrilled with it. If somebody's just had a baby, I'll text them and I'll say, are you sleeping? Because inevitably they won't be and they'll go, oh no, I haven't slept for days, that kind of reply, nonsense. And then I'll go back and I'm so thrilled with the wording of this, I go back and I say, it'll all be worth it when they're softly stroking your hair as you slip into oblivion. Shakespeare, isn't it marvellous? Met one of my friend's kids last year, a friend I went to university with, her daughter. I avoided this child for four years, she's four years old, I've heard bad things. Met her last year, she's the worst person I've ever met. And I've met Eamon Holmes. I won't use her real name, that would be unfair. Let's call her Mugabe. And she was very... Just spoilt really. We were sat at dinner and she was here and she was kicking me in the legs. And at one point she cut my shin and I went, ****. She started crying. The mum said, please don't swear in front of my child. I was like, oh, is that your child? I thought someone just condensed North Korea into a small woman actually. Little bitch. But I've got a goddaughter who I adore. She is 11 and I think she might be a genius because she loves painting and I've got this office in Birmingham. So I took her to the office to do some painting. And we painted this mural on the wall. And while we were painting it, I said to her, what do you think art is, just out of curiosity? And she thought about it and she said, well, it's trust. I said, what do you mean by that? And she went, well, if you trust something's good, then it is. I was like, ******* hell. That's the most profound thing anyone's ever said to me from an 11-year-old. I have another go on the bong, what are you going to say next? When the meow meow came out, the thing she was saying, extraordinary. So yes, I'm trying to be healthier. I love a full fat Coke and I'm on diet Cokes now and I'm struggling with it really. Funnily enough, it was at a university reunion I was drinking a diet Coke and I went up to a girl who I didn't know that well at university and I was holding this diet Coke and I said to her, I said, oh, hello, how are you? What are you up to now? And she went, I hate that. I hate small talk. I'm sorry, I'm not sure how conversation works with you now then. How did the death of your father affect your sex life? Just straight on in. She said, you shouldn't be drinking that. And I said, why? Now what I think she meant to say was, it's full of aspartame. What she actually said was, you shouldn't be drinking that, it's full of apartheid. I knew it was bad, didn't realise it was that bad, did I? I tried being a fruitarian. That's where you can only eat things that have fallen from trees. I managed one day, I had three cooking apples and an owl. That could be the best joke of the show. That pissed it away in the first section. There she goes. Off she flies. I've been reading your tweets. Some fucked up people in this room. Right, if I call your name now, if I read one of your tweets out, could you stand up for us? Could we have house lights up for this as well, just so I can see them? Oh, also, Leon, are you alright? This is Leon, everybody. Say hi, Leon. Are you alright to come out? So, they've said this is my cameraman, I can do whatever I like with him. I mean, if anyone's got suggestions. Hello, Leon. So, we're going to zoom in on people. Oh, lovely, look at that. Let's just have a test. Oh, yes. What are these guys? What's your names? Tony. Tony and? Richard. Tony and Richard. How do you know each other, Tony and Richard? Partners. Partners, okay. We've got a lovely picture there. Smile for us. Very nice. That's going straight on Twitter when we finish the show. Finally, Smith. Right, let's have a look at your tweets. There's some really funny ones. Really funny ones. Some people didn't really understand. Oh, love Zoe Ballbag from Fraser. That's good. Where is Fraser, actually? Stand up, Fraser. Fraser C04. Where are you? Hello, Fraser. 103 followers. 104, now I'm following you. And I will follow you home. You sent him Joe Likes Dick. He's not wrong. Love with it. I like a dick. Thanks, Fraser. Round of applause for Fraser. Something wrong with Mel and Sue. Somebody's got Belle and Pooh. This one's really nice. Where's Dave Moore? Dave Moore. Tweet time, Dave. Where are you? You up top there as well. You only sent one in, Dave. You haven't given much information on your profile either. You've got 92 followers. The last thing you did was retweet Jonathan Ross. This isn't a Jonathan Ross-based tweet. What do you do, Dave? A finance analyst. Gosh, it's boring people up there, isn't it? Where do you live, Dave? In Kent. Mixed response from the room for Kent. People down here not sure if they like Kent. Then some other people over there love it. Hey, it takes all sorts, doesn't it? You sent in, Dave, Tess sucks off your dad daily. That's really nice. Really lovely words. Daily. Sucks off your dad daily. Mike Blair. Where are you? Pickle246. Where is he? Right at the back. Quite right. Let's have a look at your profile. 22 years old. Arsenal. You're an Arsenal fan. Do you watch the game, Geezer? Great squad, isn't it? Great squad. Lovely squad. Was there a game today? I don't know. I have no idea. You like tennis, food and travelling. Lovely. Mike sent in, Benedict Cumminghurst snatch. Did you get a nice shot of him? Lovely. Thanks, Leo. You're a bloody laugh saver. You can't catch me. He's good, isn't he? Do you... You don't have to say anything. Just nod or shake your head. Do you run? Are you a runner? Not really. So if I run away... Are you a fighter? God, I've never felt more masculine. I've got a weapon as well. He actually thought I was going to do it then. Asking as a Birmingham gay myself, when did Kingsheath become Brum's newest gay quarter? Did this happen overnight? Correct. That's exactly what happened. Well done. I had been seeding it into the gay community because I'd set up a fake Grindr account called Sugar Daddy, which is like a dating app like Tinder but for gay people. And I just seeded it into conversations, get it in their subconscious, this sort of thing. He started, he said, where are you based? I said, Kingsheath. It's a gay village now. I was giving him the idea. He said, sure. You into piss play? It's 11.39am, darling, but you know. You do you, you do you. Nobody spotted that Sugar Daddy is Alan Sugar, that's good. I think some of the resistance was because we do have a gay village in Birmingham, it's called the Gay Village, it's in the centre of town. And I went out there, not long after all this had started, and I went to a place called Sequin Showstoppers, where they sell drag clothes. I was trying on some bits. It was a day drinking day, you can tell from my eyes. Hello darkness, my old friend. And after I'd left Sequin Showstoppers, went for a few pints and ended up at a house party with about a dozen gay guys and they were all talking about it. And I was so drunk, I didn't want to give anything away. And this one guy started and he was like, have you seen that Kingsheath's a gay village now? And I was like, and he's like, it's probably just like one bloke who set up a website. And I was like, and a limited company and a bank account actually, it was quite complicated actually, it was quite involved actually. And then this other guy popped up out of nowhere and he was so cross about it, he was like, I'm sorry, Kingsheath is not a gay village, in no world is Kingsheath a gay village, we have a gay village in town, it's called the Gay Village, they have a pride march there every year. And I was like, oh right, is that what you have to do to be a gay village, you have a pride march? And he went, yeah. And I was like, ooh. So that was the final piece in the puzzle. In order to convince the gays that Kingsheath was a gay village, I had to run a pride march. Now immediately as Ken emailed the Hare and Hounds, and Adam Regan who runs the Hare and Hounds, very nice man, he replied very positively but said, this is quite big to deal with over email, we should speak about this on the phone really. I'd not been keen speaking on the phone as Ken because I'm not great at accents, but it was time for Ken Roberts to speak on the phone. Hello? Adam Regan, it's Ken Roberts from the Gayborhood Foundation. Hello mate. I wanted to talk about doing a pride march in Kingsheath. Oh right, okay. 26th of September, yeah, I'll pencil that now, I'll wait for you to confirm it. That's fantastic, thank you Mr Regan. I'll leave you to your day. Remember, you can only ever be yourself unless you're Ken Roberts. Thanks Ken, cheers mate. Thanks mate, bye bye. I'm doing a pride march in Kingsheath. Can you take a selfie using that camera? Is that possible? Where should we do it from? Maybe back here? You all want to be in a selfie? Can I hold it like I'm doing a... Smile everyone. I think we've got it. Round of applause for Leon. Thanks Leon. Right, let's talk about art now. I'd like to talk about art. Yeah, a bit of culture. My mother retired a few years ago and she's now painting in her retirement. This is one of my mother's paintings. Isn't it glorious? This is of our family friend Patrick. Not only does it look like Patrick, I feel like it captures his essence. A beautiful painting. Based on these, I've been inspired to do my own. They've not come out as well, I'm going to be honest with you. I did one of Amanda Holden with a Britain's Got Talent buzzer for her head. Slightly different things that we're doing. Mum will do this sort of thing. Two women on a bench having a conversation. Beautiful, skilful watercolour there. The skill and the time it takes to do something like that. I did a man having coffee poured in his arse. We're just doing different things. We're doing different things. This came out of, I was on holiday with a friend of mine who'd just had a colonic irrigation. I've never had one, so I was like, what's it like? He was like, I've not had one either. This girl, quite attractive, took me into a room, put a tube up. I thought the tube did everything, but actually she took it out, stood me over this thing and then just said, go. And she said, I can wait here, I can wait outside, whatever you want. I was like, who's asking her to stay? No. Look me in the eye. I'd like us to share this. So based on that, I did this painting. I haven't got a name for it yet. I was thinking maybe Britain in Springtime, but I'm open to suggestions. This art thing has got to a bit of a head just this week actually. Mum and I, we submitted to the Royal Academy. Every year the Royal Academy take paintings from amateurs, from professionals, whatever. They also take sculptures. Mum submitted two of her paintings, beautiful paintings. I submitted for a laugh. I knew I wasn't going to get in. I submitted this sculpture, which I called Chris and made it piss last summer. I just submitted it, forgot about it. A few weeks later, I got an email from the Royal Academy that read this. Dear Jo, it's come to our attention that the price of your artwork, Chris, is ten and a half million pounds. I was originally going to do ten and I thought, **** it, put the other half on. I was at the highest selling price. We just wanted to check this was correct and this is what we would like to have printed in our list of works should your work be selected for the exhibition. If you did wish for this to be the published price, could you kindly advise on the insurance value of the work? Well, I went back to them and I said, gosh, did I really put ten and a half million pounds? It should be twelve and a half million pounds and then just put Brexit for no reason. I recently took it to Bonhams to get it valued. They asked me to leave but I expect the insurance value is £4.99 or the equivalent in Argos vouchers. Didn't receive a reply. Didn't expect a reply, to be honest. I thought, right, it's not going to get in. Suddenly, we both get emails. Mum's painting's rejected. Chris is in. I go to the Royal Academy. I went there on Monday. There I am outside, very excited. All the other sculptures are on plinths. I'm like, bloody hell, Chris is going to be on a plinth in the Royal Academy. The Royal Academy of Art in bloody London. Walking around, can't find him anywhere. They've only put him in the ******* corner, haven't they? He is available to purchase for twelve and a half million pounds. I will not accept offers. Mum's really annoyed at the minute. The relationship's frayed. This started, I was living with them last year and they got annoyed with my bathroom habits. I love a long bath and I love to eat in the bath and I had some Greek yoghurt in the bath because I'm in show business. And unbeknownst to me, some of the yoghurt ended up in the bath. I then went into my room to get changed. Mum comes into the bathroom, looks in the bath, she's like, have you had the biggest wank anyone's ever had? I came in, there's blueberries in there. I was like, oh yeah, I've shat out perfect blueberries as well. Squeeze those, you, my urethra. Yes, live in Birmingham, live in Birmingham. Birmingham was described recently on Fox News, the reputable news source that is Fox News, as 100% Muslim. Salaam alaikum. Alaikum salaam is what you say, but don't worry, we'll work it out. It's interesting though, because I was in the Middle East when that news came out. I was doing shows, I was in Abu Dhabi, Doha and Dubai. Friends of mine told me not to go to the Middle East because they said that they don't like, and I quote, my lot, is what they said. Not sure what they mean by my lot, presumably fly fishers. They jail homosexuals in those countries. Not sure of the logic of that one really. Oh, you like men? We'll put you in a box with some. Not a punishment. Come on, try harder lads. I thought that they stoned gays to death out there, but it's just that gays can't catch. Structurally, a very good joke that, but it's on the edge. I agree. 100% Muslim. They said 100% Muslim. There's a sort of truth in it. There's a lot of Muslims in Birmingham. A lot of all cultures there. We're known for being multicultural. Quite good at it really. Our next door neighbours are Muslim. Saj is a lovely guy. Loves a ******* power tool on a Sunday, but he's a lovely guy. Shut up Saj. One of the most famous Muslims in Birmingham is Malala Yousafzai. I don't know if people are familiar with her. If you don't, she's brilliant. She's an 18 year old school girl who was shot at by the Taliban for wanting to be educated. She now goes to Edgbaston High School for girls. It's a private school. I don't think she pays the fees. I personally would hate to go to school with Malala Yousafzai. Can you imagine show and tell day with Malala where they're like OK class, what have you brought in? Sally, let's start with you. And Sally goes I've brought in this papay mashay cat. OK, anyone else bring anything? Malala, did you bring anything in? This Nobel Peace Prize. Sally, you're a piece of shit. I'd hate to be a teacher as well. You want me to tell Malala off or anything? What are you doing on your phone Malala? Texting Barack Obama actually. Oh, sorry. Sally, you're a piece of shit. Poor Sally, just made her up. No, I was annoyed about that. I was annoyed when that news came out. I'm annoyed with Donald Trump as well. Little side project I've got going on. I'm trying to book Syrian refugees into Donald Trump's hotels. It's going OK. I was annoyed when Fox News said they were 100% Muslim because there's a subtext to that. When they say we're 100% Muslim, what they're saying there is that we should be worried about that. There's something terrifying, frightening about Muslims. I think we've got a problem. I think we're using the word Muslim far too quickly to describe people doing atrocities when they don't represent Muslims any more than I do. And I think we should be using a more accurate word for those people which I'm going to argue is knobhead. There'd be levels of knobhead. You'd have a moderate knobhead all the way up to fundamental knobhead. And if we all did it, if we all did it, the news would have to catch up. They'd have to go, Today, two knobheads bombed a car. They'd have to do it. We all did it. And it wouldn't necessarily be to do with just terrorist activity. Any knobhead activity would get the knobhead word. I've thought of some. People that wear a festival wristband after a festival. I went to Reading. It's November. You're in a Costa. You're a knobhead. Couples that put a lock on a bridge. You're both knobheads. Sorry. I hate that. I hate it. Sanctimonious mothers. I've got to be careful here. I don't mean all mothers. Just a lot of my friends are having children at the minute. And it's the sort of mothers that go, Don't tell me how to raise my kids. And you're like, Okay, but she is trying to eat a Petit Falou with an electric razor. You're a bit of a knobhead, aren't you? Ever so slightly. Amanda Holden. Fundamental knobhead. I just don't like her. Don't encourage me because I'm sure she's lovely. I think she's despicable. She did to our Les. Still holding onto that after ten years. Now, guys, I want to tell you about a little project I've been working on for the last year. And there's no nice way of saying this. There's no easy way of saying this. I'm just going to have to rip the plaster off. For the last year, just under a year, I have been trying to destroy the career of Tom Daley. There's no easy way of saying it. I've said it. It's out there now. I've said it. I should caveat all of this by saying I think Tom Daley is amazing in lots of ways. He's an Olympic diver. I'm sure you're aware of Tom Daley. He's gay. I think he was pushed into coming out as gay before he was necessarily ready. There was a lot of fuss about it from the gay press. And he's been a brilliant gay rights advocate in lots of ways. You might have seen that him and his husband Lance Black announced a few months ago that they're having a baby together. Shouldn't be a brave thing to do in this day and age, but it was. He got a lot of nastiness and he's been serene throughout the whole thing. So I do think he's brilliant. However, I now want to slag him off. So Tom Daley irked me last summer for two reasons. Two Instagram posts. And I'll show them to you now. This is the first one. This is him at Gay Pride. Love the way that he's extending his arm out there to show the parade march there. Love the look and smile on his face. Beautiful framing there. Before I go into too much detail about this, what's going on with the hand? Where is the other finger? I've looked at it loads. It's a lighting thing where it was edited out. I can't, I don't know how that happens. I've got no issue with any of that really apart from the weird finger. I've got no issue with this other post. Beautifully framed again. His skin looks radiant in that little triangle. Marvelous. Brave to wear a tank top, but he seems to manage it. I think it's wonderful. It's lovely. I've got no issue with any of this thing. It's all brilliant. I've no issue with any of this as well. Happy Pride everyone. It's been so awesome to take part in my first ever Pride. It had not been before, but let's not forget why we have this day and how much more we have to fight for in many other social justice movements around the world. No issue with any of that. Brilliant that he went to Pride. I think we all should at some point in our lives. It's good fun if nothing else. My issue with both of these posts is not what's in them, it's what's underneath them and that is this. At Barclays UK hashtag ad. That means that Tom Daley was sponsored by Barclays to go to Pride and I don't have a problem with Tom Daley being sponsored to do lots of things. I understand when you're an athlete you've got to make your money while you can. You're not monetisable forever. You might break your leg. Totally get being sponsored but to be sponsored to go to Pride which is a political event it made me uncomfortable. It's sort of like going Black Lives Matter with Tesco. It made me uncomfortable. And I didn't want to make a big deal of this. I thought it's an error in judgement in some ways. Didn't want to make a big fuss about it. All I thought I'd do is a bit of light trolling of Tom Daley. That's all I thought I'd do. So what I did is I went onto this very post and I commented on it with hashtags of rival banks. That's all I did. Hashtag West. Hashtag Santander. Hashtag HSBC. And for some reason dozens of other people started doing it as well. Hashtag Northern Rock a nice nostalgic one. Vietcom Bank an international one. Dozens of people did this and I know that celebrities get paid loads for this. Barclays will have had a PR team all over it. I should mention that I trolled Tom Daley in a lot lighter way about three years ago. He posted to his Twitter a little post basically saying just take the image below personalise it. Just wanted you to customise an image in your own way. That's all he wanted you to do. Of course I put him in a smack den. Who wouldn't in my position? Open bloody gold Tom! So that was it really as far as I was concerned. I've done my post. Other people have commented. Point made. It was and I felt an error in judgement. That was it. Next day I get a phone call. It's from a friend of mine who's a photographer. He's photographed the Olympic diving team on a few occasions and he's also photographed me and he said Joe you need to go on Ross Haslam's Instagram. Now I didn't know who Ross Haslam was at the time. He is another British diver who went to Budapest the day after Pride with Tom Daley for a competition and he posted a video. The video you don't necessarily need to see. I will show it to you. It's a panoramic of Budapest. It's done weirdly. It's a portrait thing but he's done it on landscape which I don't understand. Also the sound in the background is not great so I will play it to you twice but you can hear in the background Tom Daley's voice and I just want you to listen out for it. Have a listen to this clearly now. The whole lighting situation. Now he might be saying the lighting situation but I think Tom Daley says the lice-it situation. Another listen just to double check. The whole lighting situation. Does that sound like lice-it to you? I'm a situation. Not sure who he's talking to in that clip. Presumably the assassin. He's got to take me out. The lice-it situation. I'm going to write a book. The lice-it situation. There's the cover. Yes, lockdown got in the way of doing stand-up. I was meant to do this tour a lot sooner and I had my jab. I had my jab. This is me having my jab and the nurse said oh do take a photo and put it on Instagram. We're trying to promote the vaccine. She hadn't considered I might put a caption with it. I put just wanted a Tuesday afternoon strippogram and now I'm hooked on meth. And then underneath this post was sponsored by Microsoft Shoe Zone and Screw Fix. All the anti-vaxxers are out in force. Someone called me a foot soldier of tyranny. I love that. That's going on the posters next year. Someone else said idiot, I bet he was paid thousands for this and didn't even take the vaccine. You got me there. Shoe Zone did pay me thousands. Fair play. I get it. It was scary to have the vaccine. Friend of mine was absolutely terrified. She had it and then afterwards she said, I don't want to think about it. I just want to get drunk. And we had three bottles between us and the next morning she rang me and she went Jo, I've had a terrible reaction to the vaccine. It might be the Gabby de Gabby, darling. I said, what are your symptoms? She went, oh, I've got a terrible headache and weirdly a brand new tattoo. That's the vaccine. I've got this neighbour who's very handsome. He lives a few doors down from me. He's called George and I never know what he's up to. He's always doing weird stuff because he rang me the once and he said, have you got a flat headed screwdriver? And I looked and I said, I haven't got one, sorry. And he went, never mind. Any hummus? What is it that you have? I don't know what you're doing. And I got COVID on the 1st of January this year and he rang me on the 5th and he said, are you all right, Jo? I've not seen you come out of your house. And I said, I'm absolutely fine, George. I've got COVID but I'm isolating. I've got no symptoms. I'm absolutely fine. And I said, how are you? And he went, oh, nightmare. I was meant to go to France but they've closed the borders and the insurance doesn't pay out if they close the borders. They only pay out if I get COVID. And I said, oh, I'm sorry to hear that, George. And he went, can I come round? A hot guy wants to come round to get an infectious disease off me to **** off an insurance company. I've had dreams about this shit. And I thought about it and I thought, **** it. So I invited him round. We had a few beers at a lovely time. He left. He got a positive PCR test but he's an anti-vaxxer and he died. RIP, George. Little twist in that one. Didn't see that one coming, did you? Oh, it's all good fun. This is all good fun.