Chris Distefano Crowd Work Comedy in New York City | Stand Up Comedy

Give it up for Chris DeCepedo, everybody! What is that? What is this? Shamita? What is this? Free Dries Treats. Chrissy Chaos eats all the candy. Oh, are these, uh, is this, uh, what are moon... Oh, like moon eats, but are they edibles? Oh, they don't have weed in them. Uh, no, no. No, I'm good at eating. Thank you. Whoa. Is it kosher? Thank God. Okay. Thank God. As long as it's kosh. You know me, I'm Chrissy Kosher. Thank you. I appreciate that. So I can give it to the kids. There it is. Okay, I don't need any more. Oh, this is what? Oh, cheesecake candy? Yum. Kids, who wants kosher cheesecake candy? Do you want kosher cheesecake candy? Oh, yeah. Yes. My friend... My friend brought it here in his Yamaka. Look at the picture. Oh, it's just me, fat, and then me as an astronaut. Okay. Going on the spaceship, the Chinese spaceship. Um, I like your hat. It's good. We got good hats in the front row. You? You? Great. We got good hats. Hats, baby. Woo. Shalom. What does shalom mean? Hello or goodbye? Peace, hello, goodbye. It means what you want it to be. I like it. Shabbat. What does Shabbat mean? So Shabbat, when I say Shabbat shalom, it means peace to the Sabbath. Peaceful Shabbat is peaceful. I like you guys. Beautiful. Kids? No kids yet. I'm nine months. You're nine months pregnant? Oh, I was going to say, what the... You're going to have nine months today. You're going to have the baby. You're not having. You're not pregnant. Do you even know him? Fiance. Beautiful. Oh, congrats. And Jewish community, you guys must be about 14 years old. Am I right? I love it. You know what I know for sure about you? Circumcised... What I know, dude. Fresh piece of beef, this kid. Fresh piece of beef, dude. I like that. You know that for sure. Fresh. Fresca. Fresca. Beautiful, dude. I love it. You know what I'm talking about, right? You get it. You know, it's just one of those things. It's... Horrible. I don't know what you just said. I don't know what you just said, but it was in Spanish, and my ass was tingled. So I don't know what it was, but my ass is leaking. That's what happens. It's a conditioned response. You know? I'm everything. Where are you going? That's a horrible place for the bathroom, dude. You want candy? You good? You can stand straight up. I can fully see you. He's like this. Maybe he won't notice. It's like, dude, you could be on stilts. We all know what you're doing. See, it's tough now for him. We're all waiting for him to come back. If he takes too long, then we know he's shit. If it's too quick, we know he did coke. So it's gotta... It's gotta be perfect timing. And then maybe it's a pee-pee. Maybe it's a pee-pee. A few moments later. With my father, okay? I'm on the fence. You know what I'll say? Here's what I'll say. I'm gonna say you went to go take out your bag of coke, but then you peed on it, so you threw the coke away and you took a piss instead. Right? You do a little coke? Yes. See? Thank you, sir. Thank you for coming back. I appreciate it. You kind of look like a sexy version of the Geico caveman. Has anyone ever told you that? Doesn't he look like that? Geico guapo. Hot Geico guy. Right? Oh, dude, you're fucked tonight. Tonight when you're having sex, you're like, say Geico. Talk to me about my bundle auto insurance. I like it. You're paleo. Good for you, dude. You want a rock? What do you need? Do you need a rock? Okay, what do you want? You want to make fire? What do you want to do? Give him sticks! You want to make fire? You can do it, buddy, okay? This is an inclusive show. I'm a cave person. Are you hungry? Okay. Can we get him a drumstick or a turkey leg? Just get him a bone. One bone to table three. One bone. He wants to gnaw. He needs to gnaw. Dude, I've ruined your life. You have to know that she's going to tell your family like, you are going to be now. What's your name? What's your actual name? George? You're going to be George the caveman. That's... Oh, my God. Do you have children together? So you guys still together? Beautiful. Beautiful Latino children. What countries? Puerto Rican, Italian, and? And Ecuadorian. Puerto Rican, Italian, Ecuadorian. You know what your kids are? Scholarships. That's what they are, folks. That's the scholarly. Oh, yeah. Diversity. I love it. Woo! Dude, same with me, dude. On the college applications, my kid's going, Puerto Rican. We celebrate diversity in this household. Yeah! You got to do it, bro. Got to do it. Pay to play. That's beautiful. I like that. Three kids, beautiful, still together, still very in love. I can feel the sexual chemistry. I like it. You know, it's harder for me. You know what it is? Because I can tell you're like a guy's guy. You genuinely look like a caveman. You guys have kids? Nothing? Nothing. But in a relationship. Dude, how long? Who knows? A year. Okay. Do you guys' parents like each other? Uh-oh. Wait, what nationality are you? Oh, you're both Armenian. Okay. Oh, so Armenia is Middle East, right? Is Armenia the one to Kim Kardashian? Okay, yeah. That's how I know. Yes. Dude, the land of big butts. That's what it is. Good. Cool. Armenia, cool. I like that. You think I do good in Armenia or what? No? She'd think I do well. Why does the guy would do well in Armenia? What wouldn't they like about me? Would they think I'm a woman? Listen, man. I get it. How old are your kids? I heard... Oh, blended family. Nice. Okay, so they're old enough. So they're watching themselves right now? They're just home chilling? Children of cavemen. They're eating the pets right now. They have the neighbor's dog over a spit. I'm a proud American. I bleed red, white, and blue. I have a condition. It's a disorder. But I love this country. It's become a controversial statement to make. To say you love America. It's wild to me. I know there's problems here. There's problems everywhere. I get it, dude. There's literally major issues wherever you go. There's just problemas. But here, when you think we're the worst, it's like, what are you talking about? You go to other countries, there's flags everywhere. They have their own countries flying the flags. America, there's no flags anymore. It's the most bizarre thing. After 9-11, if you did not have an American flag outside your house, people would be like, what are you, a Dem? What are you, a terrorist? And now, if you have an American flag outside your house, people are like, what are you, a Dem? What are you, a terrorist? I get literally confused sometimes walking down the street. I was walking down the street over here the other day. I walked down a whole city block. All I saw was Ukrainian flags and rainbow flags. I was like, am I in the gay part of Kiev? In fact, did I make a wrong turn and wind up in downtown gay Kiev? I mean, it's lit, but I... That's crazy, dude. I got my steps in if I just walked to Kiev. And by the way, I support them both. Shout out to Ukrainians, shout out to gays. Okay, full support. I hope Zelensky's sucking cock right now. I really do. God willing. Gargle it. We have the same haircut. How crazy is that? I like it, though. I'm the biggest lesbian in this room, not you, okay? What country are you from? Croatia. What a good country. Good at soccer, right? I like Croatia. Croatia, you're a funny country, because you took all the land. You took the entire coast. So if you look at old Yugoslavia, they took, when they divvied up the land, they took the entire beachfront for like a thousand miles. And you and Montenegro, right? And then you told Serbia to go f*** themselves. Serbia is just this landlocked country now. I get why they f***ing hate you. I would too. I would be like, we can't go to the beach. But hey, look at that. But you see what happens when you guys are close to the water? Turn you gay. That's what it is. You got in that gay ocean. And... You like that? I know a little Croatian... You didn't know I knew that. I love Croatia. You guys are great. I like your soccer jerseys too. You have fun, the checkered... Every time I watch you play soccer, it feels like a tablecloth at a pizzeria. I like that. But you guys do have great beaches. Good for you. Hey, you won at fair and square. You won at fair and square. A few guns. Hey, it happens. What can you do? Any Chinese out there? Way to go. No Asians. Interesting. Japanese, big pieces of s*** too. Any Japanese? Oh, scumbags. You don't think so? You love sushi? Listen, so does she. But, chat, I'm telling you... So... Chat... I... Listen... Here's the thing... So sorry. Nice fake laugh at the end. I know what's going on. How long have you been with her? We're not together. Not together? Where are you from? Are you also Croatian? I am also Croatian. But we are together. You say you're together to get tickets for performances. Oh, like you pulled a lesbian card. There it is. I hope you get hit by a bus. No, I'm kidding. Good for you. Why the f*** not? You know what? If you're going to pull that card, you should be scissoring in the front row. You need to be bumping. That's beautiful though. I like that. Don't you guys hook up once in a while? Or are you just friends? Just friends. I just want to be honest with you. The way she looked at you, she furiously masturbates to you. Just so you know. Yes. She flicks her bean like a f***ing Skrillex when you come. Yes, ma'am? I'm sorry. A drunken incident? Wow! There was a drunken incident in Macedonia. Was it? I like that. The Macedonians and Alexander the Great. I like that. What did you do? You sat on her face? What did you do? She assaulted you? Wow! We'll talk about it at home. While she's fisting you. Why? Whoa! But you know what? You see what I like about that? There was a little assault, but then you're back together. Forgive and forget. I like that. Get over it. I like that. That's beautiful. You seem like no matter what, you're bonded together. That's beautiful. Your t***s are tied together. I like that. How is it being gay in Croatia? They're accepting, right? They don't give a s***. 20 years ago, you could not be a gay woman. You were just a high school boy. In Croatia. I'm still passing. That's what I'm saying. You can't be openly gay in Croatia. Actually, I organized it. You organized the first gay pride in Croatia? Wow! Good for you. How many people? 200, maybe 20. 200 attendees, out of them 20 gay. That's funny. 5,000 police officers. Oh, full gear, right. For the 10 gay people. Yeah. Wow. Croatia seems fun. But you see, isn't it crazy to you when people s*** on the United States? Look at how many gay people. Our parades are thousands and thousands. Everybody's gay on the gay pride parade. Everybody. I walk around with a d*** on my head. I think you peaked. We peaked. Like, oh, so now we're going down. Okay, so then who's the forefront of the gays then? Where do you think it's safe to be gay? You want to go to China? Where do you want to go? Israel. You know what? Go to Israel now. That would be fun for you. Israelis. Yeah, Israelis. They... Israel gay. I think so, too. That's interesting. I never thought about that, that we peaked. I never thought about that. That's good. For my next special, I'll talk about the decline of America. I like you, Croatia. What's the capital of Croatia? Zagreb. Okay. Never heard of it, most of us. I like Zagreb. Is that where they filmed Game of Thrones, or that was Montenegro? You took that part as well. Yeah, I like you. Very vicious whites. India, did you have a good time tonight? Nice, dude. You guys should have children. You really should. Are you thinking about it? You don't want it? Why? What's the reason? You're a speech therapist? You work with... Oh, okay. I thought you were saying I'm a speech therapist, and his speech, he has too heavy of an accent. I thought you were saying, like, I can't fix him. I'm kidding. That's beautiful. You guys should have a f***ing kid. Yes? You love me? Hi? I love you, too. Thank you. New Jersey? There it is. New Jersey represent. There it is. These two I like to call drunk driving. That's what it is. New Jersey transit. There you go. She's gonna fall out to the tracks. I love you, too, ma'am. I love you, too. You guys should have... Half Indian, half white. You know what you should name it? Scholarship. That's what I would name it if I were you. Half Indian, half white. Home run, baby. Homer. Croatia, I'm gonna tell you something right now. I've done a lot of shows in my life. Okay? Maybe 10,000 shows. I would say this might be my most memorable because of you. I'm gonna remember. I'm gonna go around. I'm gonna go to Croatia this summer and tell the people of Croatia I met the woman who organized the gay parade. I'm... I met the woman... Yes. I met the woman who organized the parade that the Croatian government sent their entire army to block. They literally... They would have rather given up the coast than have these gay people march up and down the street. They were ready to give the coast back to Serbia. And you just fought through. You know who you are? You are Croatia's Megan Rapinoe. That's who you are. You're the Megan Rapinoe of Croatia. Yes. And he was like, no, I'm leaving. I will not stand for that. Let me tell you, that's your boyfriend? He's not? He's not? Oh, he's a friend. Oh, he's a friend because the way he got up was so gay. And I love gay people. But, I mean, he got up like this. And then walked away. So, it's... He's gay, right? He's not? Oh, my God. He got up like he was stepping off a... He was just like, let's get that out right there. Which, again, love gay people. Shout it out. But I just... And he's got good posture. I'll say that. That's what I'll say. I won't say he's gay. I'll say he's got great posture. So, good laugh. So, okay. Welcome back. There it is, sir. Sir, I was just commenting on how great your posture is. Are you in gym? Gymnastics? You go to the gym? Don't piss him off. What about Indian? Any Indian people out there? No Indian people? Are you Indian right here? There we go. Are you really Indian? Or just from northern New Jersey? You're Indian. You're from Toronto? Dude, let me tell you something. First of all, from Canada... This might just be for us, but listen. If you've never been to Canada, you're going to know this. I went to Toronto. I went to a Raptors game. A good amount of Indian people live in Canada and Toronto. And we go... I go to the game. Before any event in Canada, they have a thing. Before they play their anthems and everything, they have a recording. The Canadian government apologizing to the Canadian native Canadians people, like the Native Americans part of Canada. What do you call it? The natives. The Native Americans, but the Canada ones. They have a video apologizing to them. It's so bizarre. It's so bizarre to me. But then in the arena, it's mostly people that look like you. I'm like, you're apologizing to the wrong Indians. You have to say sorry to them. What is it? Sweatshirt night? I feel so dumb that I'm wearing a hooded sweatshirt too. My mom just got it for me. And yeah. We'll see what happens, folks. I'm going to be completely honest with you. I call this show I Have Nothing because I love Whitney Houston. That's why if you ever see pictures of me in blackface, that's what I was doing. Paying homage to my girl, Whitney Houston. And this is already starting off bad. I call the show I Have Nothing because I'm working on new material. I put it out every Sunday on my YouTube. And usually I have something. Usually I'm like, you know, you got something. But this time I really don't have anything. So you guys are in for a fun one. Because it's truly... I'm going to be honest with you. I was sitting there today writing for six hours. I think I was doing six hours today. I was like, let me just write. Literally, this is what I've come up with. These are the questions. I said, could the Founding Fathers possibly have been trans? Just because they're wearing wigs. They're in high heels, tights. You don't know. You have no idea. Nobody shaved their pubes back then. You don't know what they were hiding underneath there. It's an honest question. Pull out a dollar bill tonight after this. Just pull out a dollar bill and say, look at George. Look at him. He kind of looks... He looks a little transy-wansy. And that's fine. We support him. We love him. In God we trust. It's just interesting. He kind of does just a little bit. It's just things I think about. I'm very patriotic. You know that. 13 colonies. I feel safe, by the way. I think that's what I want my life and career to be. I only want to go do shows and be in the 13 original colonies. I don't really care. I don't want to go to... I was in Texas. This wasn't part of the plan. This was Mexico. I don't need to be here at all. Shout out Mexico. I have no problem with Mexico, even though you will get killed in a five-star resort. But that's just the new rules. You'll either be shot or you'll die of fentanyl. But viva! But, you know... Thank you. One Asian lady laughing at that. I appreciate that. Thank you. There's always one. But I do kind of feel... The original 13, that's just where I feel good. The weather's good. Nobody wanted this. That's one of your problems. It's too big. Who cares what Oregon thinks about anything? You're not included. Just dye your hair blue. Write a mailbox on fire. I don't care what you have to say, Portland. I would gladly give your entire city to ISIS if they asked for it. I would serve it up. You're not necessary at all. The original 13. That's where I want to be. That's where I just feel free. So that's what it is. I'm canceling all other shows. So just know, if you see me in the original 13 colonies, I'm coming. If I'm doing something else, like I've got shows in Utah in November, not going to happen. Those people, you know, they can come to Pennsylvania. That's where they'll go. I'll travel to an original third. But we'll see, dude. I know you're Jets. I'm going to get you out of here. I know you want to watch a play. I want to watch with you. No, sir. That's actually the last thing that I do. Not with my new sweatshirt. I don't need to get puke on my new sweatshirt when Roger throws an interception. What do you think of them firing the coach, Robert Sala? You think they should have did it last year? Okay. We have an Islamophobe in the front row. Robert Sala, Muslim man. Only Muslim coach. And then you're like, yeah, I wanted that ************ out. He shouldn't have even been allowed in this country since 9-11. I'm just kidding. By the way, just if anyone's never seen a comedy show before, I just know, I feel like I'm getting TED Talk energy. I'm genuinely, I'm kidding around, folks. Okay? I'm doing the Robert Sala bit. Yeah, I'm just kidding. But again, the only one laughing is the Asian. Because they are heartless. They don't give a shit. Okay. Korean, Chinese? Hong Kong. Okay, which one is that? So... Yeah. All right. Mm-hmm. I respect you. I respect it. Hong Kong. Okay, well that was... It's China again. But it was at one point a British subject. Just like the original 13 Colonies. It was a British subject. And I'm going to be honest with you, I am still loyal to the British crown. Because that's how I am. I'm a loyal dude. So are you loyal to the British or are you loyal to the Chinese? You're loyal to the British. That's it. There it is. That's it. She's good. Smart answer. Loyal to the British. Yeah. Yeah, the Chinese, I've kind of had enough. Any Chinese people here? No? Okay. I mean, it is kind of... They are kind of taking over, the Chinese. They buy a lot of property, but they get the money, they get the cash, you know. Here's what else. I got three kids. So I will say I do like Chinese. What I do like about the Chinese is... You know, so I have... Hear me out. Just let me finish. So she hates them more than I do. Trust me. Being from Hong Kong, she hates them. And by the way, you can attest to this. You know, I know white people, we get the rap as we're the worst people, we're the most racist. Nobody's more racist than Asian people. Oh, my... Right? You guys hate each other with a passion. All the different countries. You hate the Chinese, you hate the Koreans, you hate the Chinese, you hate the Vietnamese. You all hate each other. Okay, and I lost her. Okay. That's it. Sorry. But that's true, right? You guys don't like each other. Right? No, you don't. No, you don't. I could tell that was a lie. You hear the pitch in your voice, you don't love them. You don't love them. I know you don't, and that's okay. I'm just saying it's white people, we're bad, but we're not the worst. But let me... I'm not saying Asians are the worst either. I'm saying we're all... Let me just do the joke. So let me... So... Let me just backpedal. But Chinese, I do, because I got kids, I got Puerto Rican kids. You know, if you guys know me, you know my Latino family, which, by the way, coming from Texas, no Puerto Ricans at all. Everyone's Mexican. They didn't even... Yeah, they didn't know. Nobody knew. I was like, I don't know. They were like, Puerto Rican, what is that? I was like, they're like the northeast Mexicans. I don't know. They're like the Atlantic Mexicans. I don't know. They're Puerto Rican, you know? And those are my kids, my family. So I have, you know, when we have to do a lot of play dates with other kids and their families, and it's very annoying, you know? First of all, dealing with other white people, very woke, white parents. All their kids have allergies, you know? They'll be like, I respect your child. There's a child of color. I'm like, okay, she's got blonde hair. What are you talking about? I know she's Puerto Rican, I mean, and she has a tattoo on her tip, but that's fine, you know? That's just she was born like that. You know, like these ******* apologetic, whipping myself white people, and it's just the same annoying conversations I have to have with them. Like, you know, the kids, oh, my child's allergic to lotion, you know? His name's not William. It's Spilliam. We want to do something a little different. It's Spilliam. And I'm like, hey, your kid sucks. And, you know, I really hate your kid. And, you know, the father, always the same thing. Like, you know, first of all, he's wearing, like, you know, like, jeans and flip-flops, which is disgusting, you know? He's talking about his work. Yeah, I work from home. It's a hybrid work schedule. I got an office in the attic, and I run the spray to the pandemic. Do you invest in Bitcoin? What's your crypto? Crypto's really the next big thing. I'm like, yeah, I know, guy, I know. Oh, Billiam, I know, hi, yes. There's Billiam, ******* hyperventilating because he's ran into a tree, you know? Like, he's allergic to air, so there he is. You know, and then the mother, it's the same shit with the mother. Are you going to put this in your skit? Chris, seriously, today's play date. Are you going to put it in your skit? Is this going to go in your show? I'm like, I hope you get hit by a ******* bus, lady. That's the show, folks. I'd like to see your head rolling down my driveway going gluten-free. But this is what I'm bringing this up to say. The Chinese. This is who... The Chinese. This is what... Because the Chinese, they're the best. There's one Chinese kid in my daughter's class. His name's David. I don't know what his government Chinese name is, but he's here undercover as David. And I respect the kid's chi. I respect his energy. He's fighting, working for his country. I respect that. I really do. But I want him to know we got spies over there, too. Just so any of these white guys that go over there with a foot fetish, they're working for the FBI. They're in there getting info. So just know, it goes both ways. I'm not going to tell David that yet. He's too young. Anyway, I like David. I like having playdates with David. First of all, no allergies. That doesn't happen. Nobody has peanut allergies. It's not a thing at all. But they don't care at all. They're like, let's live. Let's have fun. When we do playdates with David, guess who I've never met once? Five playdates, guess who I've never met? David's parents, okay? Because guess where David's parents are on a Wednesday at 3.30? Work! That's where they are. They're in the factory building. Making a bigger, better China. There's no work from home. You work at work, and then you die, and they replace you, and they keep it moving. Because that's what they're doing. All right? I've only ever met David's grandmother. All right? That's who takes care of the kids. You know, that's who it is. And guess what? David's grandmother, 167 years old. She's 167 yesterday. 167 yesterday. And she's amazing. She's mental fit. Dude, every time we hang out, she's doing Tai Chi, Sudoku. It's like a brain-body workout. Okay? The other day, she comes over. She gave my daughter a shrimp, a live shrimp in a bag. I said, is this a pet or food? I have no idea. But thank you. We honor you, and we feel honored by you. Because let's face it, folks. Okay? Let's face it. I'm going to get to you **** next. Let's face it, folks. I just noticed this, and I have a comment. Just know, let's face it. The planet, the planet is dying. We're going to need to find sustainable life on a new planet. The Asian, you guys know this already. You're keeping the information. I get it. China, they know. They're out there in outer space. They know the planet is dying. We need to find sustainable life on a new planet. It's just what it is. And I think the spaceship that takes us from this planet to the new sustainable life planet is going to have a Chinese flag right on the side of it. I think they're going to get there first. They're putting in the work, and I'm just hoping my daughter and her Chinese husband, David, get a plus one and bring pops, okay? That's what it is, baby. Today I'm white. Tomorrow I am Chinese. That's what I'll do. Survive. It's surviving. That's all it is. You know what I'm saying, right, guys? You guys are sitting too close together. You can spread it out. How does this work? Are these your sons? Your sons. All three of them. Now look at that. They still hang out together. Nice. Nice. And then who's the oldest? I can't even tell. You're the oldest, dude. Yeah. Nice. And then middle one and little one. You're sitting in age order. Nice, dude. What a great mom, dude. Great to hang with your mom, you know? Great to, like, be close. It's about family, dude. Who's the biggest disappointment, would you say, so far? Let me guess. Let me guess. The middle one. The middle one. Only because you're... No, listen. You're a disappointment, but I can tell this kid likes to have fun, and I'm almost positive I bought cocaine off him last week. I just... Did I? Are you the guy? No. You're a good kid. You look like you like a good tickle, as well. Am I wrong? He's the one. I knew it. You got a beautiful mom. It's a hard thing to deal with, right? You have a gorgeous mom. That sucks. I had to deal with that. I know what you guys go through. I had to deal with that, man. My mom, when she was young, beautiful, like, she's a very beautiful lady, got the sons, and it sucks being a boy. You know, my mom... My mom. You ready for this? My mom, when I was 16, okay, peak testosterone, you know, bullshit boys, my mom started dating my best friend's father. So my mom dating my best friend's... So I had a core group of four or five guys, right, and then one of the guys' father is dating my mom, and, you know, you just have to deal with that. My mom's not thinking. So now, you know, we're in the garage, hanging out, smoking weed, whatever, conversations out of lull, without, you know, any hesitation. One of the guys would be like, you know, it's about 9 o'clock on a Friday. What do you think Chris's mom is doing right now? And then somebody else would be like, I don't know, banging Brian's dad? And then I would just full charge fist fights, just f***ing deal with it. And I would tell my mom, I'm like, Mom, I'm getting abused in the garage because you're dating Brian's dad. She was like, I love him. I was like, I hate him. I hate him. I'm smoking weed in your garage because of you. But then he dumped her. But then he, this is poetic justice, then he dumped her, and when he dumped her, he like, I was sitting outside, he dumped her, and then he fell down the entire flight of stairs as he dumped her. I didn't even know he dumped her yet, but I was like, what a f***ing dick. What a dumb a**hole. And yeah, and now, and his son has got one leg shorter than the other, so, you know, just wears one of those platform shoes, so I f***ing kicked it out under him one day, and just, that's it, just one thing, and then just let him walk around like he had f***ing polio for a day, and then, but now we're okay. Now it's 25 years later, and I don't care. But it does suck, you know. But you'll deal with it. Are you still with your dad? Oh no, divorced? Oh God. Well guys, I'm coming over. So, I'm your new stepdad, I'm sorry. We're gonna have a lot of fun, me and you, dude. Sorry. Happy Columbus Day. Indigenous People's Day, whatever you want to say, I don't care. I don't care. Who cares? I don't think he cares. Nobody really cares. But people make a big deal out of nothing, because we have no real problems in this country. I don't think that they're making up these f***ing issues in, you know, Yemen right now, because they're throwing battery acid on the kids, but we're like, can you, is that really okay? Pull down his statue. And then like, kids are f***ing walking around with no limbs. Okay. In other countries, sorry about that. This is, I told you, a work in progress, I have nothing. And, here's what I'll say. You know, I don't know what happened, I don't know, the divorce, whatever. You know, are you guys close with your father? Yes and no. Oh, it's kind of an, okay, that's no good. That's no good. Man, your mom is wounded. Ma'am, I'd like to invite you to a show. No, no, I'm kidding. You know, my parents got divorced too. It happens, folks. My parents got divorced, and well, I like, you know, my dad's, you know, funny guy, fun guy. And he always loved my mom. My dad always, you know, he was always like a great example. My father, because he was always like, look, you know, first of all, he never took any alimony from my mom ever. My mom made twice as much money. He, Tampa Tony would not take a dollar, because that's not what men do. He was like, I'm not going to, what do you think, I'm going to take a f***ing dollar from your mother? No, the relationship didn't work, so now I pay the price, I live in a van across the street. That's what it is. Okay, and I'm not going to take a dollar. Thank you. Mom, I love that. Guys, there may be nothing I can do here, okay? I mean, your mom and I are falling in love, and your mom and I, should we just tell them, get ready to meet your new brother. He's in there. He's in there. Yes. I love, see, what a fun, looks great. I know, it's hard though. It's hard just being, because you guys are still, it's hard. She's beautiful. Damn, it sucks. I feel your pain, because only the older one really gets what I'm talking about. You two are too young, but the older one's like, yeah. I saw when I was doing that bit, he's like, I f***ing know, bro. You know how many times after you're here in school, your mom's hot. Yeah, it sucks. It's like, you know, if you're a mom, don't be hot, if you have a son. Don't be hot. Just make yourself ugly, because then we've got to deal with s***. That you learn how to fight, right? You have kids? No kids, but if you do, you do have them, what are you, you're going to be Jets fans? They have to be Jets fans. 100%. Yeah, you've grown into the Jets. They'll be alright, though. Jets and Mets. Well, Mets, they're winning 6-3. 6-3? Yeah. See? That's typical Mets fan. The Mets were winning 6-0. They're still winning 6-3, and he's like, no, they're going to f***ing lose! I don't know. Dude, the Mets are, I love the Mets. I love all my friends are Mets fans. You have to see, remember when Donald Trump got shot, and is like, you know, like, obviously. And they had that iconic picture of him with his fist up, with the American flag behind it. Within 10 minutes of that picture coming out, one of my friends posted that picture. Under it, he wrote, let's go Mets. And then, tagged the Mets as if to say, these guys better repost this brilliance of Donald Trump with the blood and the flag. If that doesn't say let's go Mets, I don't know what does. And then they didn't repost it, and five hours later, typical Mets fan, he's like, f*** this team! They don't respect me, I don't respect them! I'm like, no team is going to repost that picture! You dummy! You know? They don't know. They don't know. But you hope, you hope you don't have, see, she's lucky, you've got just the boys, right? Do you have a daughter? No, I would know. And we've been talking. I'm kidding. Just boys is good. Just, what, oh, you always wanted a daughter? Oh, well. That's, I only have daughters. Seems like my sperm's pretty gay. It only wants to make women, so, perfect match! Yeah, dude, daughters, especially like, you know, Latina girls, oh my god, the little, you know, but it's beautiful. It's a beautiful thing, but she's like, my nine-year-old is very like, you know, she's like that already, like that. And no one in my family is not even stereotypically like that, but she's just like that. And, you know, like, I can't even explain it, but it's not a stereotype, but this is just exactly like how she is. And so she'll just go like that to me. And I'm like, what, what? Even today, like, just pressure. She's like, are you gonna celebrate Columbus Day? I'm like, I don't know. No. Yes. Just like, think about it. I'm like, aren't you nine? Because it's hard. It's hard with the girls, but boys too. Boys also, difficult. Especially today's, I mean, mom, you have to, right? How old is the youngest one? How old are you? 21. Okay. So it's hard, I mean, because she knows, ask, you know, your dad, if you ever see him again, ask your dad about this. It's very difficult right now. It's very difficult, right? The mom's laughing, you guys can laugh. And this isn't what happens in comedy shows. I'm obviously kidding around. Someone's like, you shouldn't say that. That's toxic masculinity. Okay. Thank you. See? Thank you. She hates him, obviously. I just hope he's, he's not like a cop or anything, right? Because that would suck. Hey, I'll show you the f***ing YouTube video. Talking to my ex-wife. I don't need that. You have points on your license, you can go to jail for that. I'd be like, good, I'll be safer there. She hated that. I'm sorry, ma'am. I got one frown. Are you a teacher? No, we were laughing. Oh, you were laughing? Okay. Sorry. I thought, because you were looking at me like a teacher, like, that is not okay. That is children. That is not okay. Sorry. I mean, I truly have no, I mean, some of this is alright. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, we'll see. You alright? You worried about stuff, ma'am? You're good, right? You don't give a f***. You're the kind of lady, you, I could tell, you can't see her face, but she's got, she's a beautiful woman as well. She's got that kind of face, though, where she wakes up every day and she goes, I don't give a f***. Right? Isn't that her? That's her energy. She goes, I don't give a f***. And then she f***ing has a cigarette for breakfast. Right? Is that what it is? 100%. That's her breakfast. Yeah. A Newport and a f***ing egg. What do you want? I don't know. She's the type. Chris, I don't know. Stop being a f***. How about that? You're like my Aunt Eileen. Like that vibe. She's like, I don't know. Figure it out, honey. I mean, you know. You're a guy. I'm sorry. Alright. You nervous about the maths? Alright. Hold on. Hold on. You know what? Let me just check the score because I can see his nose is bleeding. His nose is bleeding. Okay? What? There's no service down here? Well, I do get... Actually, I don't get service. And I thought that I was... What's the maths score out there? What is it? Oh, thanks for paying attention to my f***ing show. What inning? Top of the 9. 6-3. So you're fine. Here it is. Oh my God. If they f***ing lose 7-6... Could you imagine? I know. You guys get so nervous. Are you guys going to the game on Wednesday? Are you out there? I'm telling you guys, be careful if you go to the game on Wednesday because I can see the stress. You're going to drop dead. You really are. Gotta be careful, dude. F***ing Mets. Dude, I got a friend who's a crazy Mets. Dude, one of my boys is a nuts Mets fan. He started taking Viagra when we were 16 years old. Could you imagine? How nuts is that? I'll never forget. He comes into school one day. He goes, yo, I'm hard as a rock right now. I was like, we go to an all-boy Catholic high school. We also just got dicks. We're 16. Why are you having erectile dysfunction? We have brand new dicks. What is your issue? So he just takes, and he would just walk around proud. He's like, put your book bags on it. Bang. Through your dockers, man? Come on, dude. You can see everything through the dockers. He's always adjusting it behind his belt. And he still does it to this day. This kid just takes Viagra. He came to one of my shows in Vegas recently. I didn't invite him. He just showed up. This kid just showed up. And he goes, yo, I'm down at the bar. I was like, all right, cool, whatever. Get him into the show. Right before we're leaving, he's at the bar, and he has two tequila shots. He goes, take a shot. I was like, all right. And then he puts out two pills. He goes, take one with me. I was like, what is that? He was like, a Viagra. I was like, I'm not taking a Viagra. He was like, all right, I'll take two. This kid pounds two Viagras. I'm like, have you ever done that before? He goes, not really. He was like, but we're in Vegas, so you never know. I got to be hard for a while. I was like, you get no girls. And he was like, Vegas is different. It's going to happen. I was like, I can almost guarantee you it's not going to happen. Okay. So we're walking around. He goes, bro, I'm lightheaded. I was like, yeah, because all the blood is going to your dick. He was like, are your feet cold? I was like, again, no, because all the blood is leaving every other extremity and part of your body, and it's going directly to your dick and balls because you took two Viagras for no reason. And so we're hanging out all night. You know, he's like swaying. You know, his dick is insane. I'm like, what are you doing? Obviously, no girls want to go near it. He's talking about, like, politics and, like, the Mets relief pitchers. I'm like, do you think that this is what these girls want to talk about in Vegas? They want to talk about the Mets with you sweating from your bald head? He's one of those guys who's got hair on the sides. I'm like, either be bald or don't. One or the other, dude. Stop. So it's 3 o'clock in the morning, and I'm like, all right, I'm going back to my room. I was like, I'll see you in the morning for breakfast. I'll buy you breakfast. He was like, all right, well, obviously, I'll go with you. I was like, I don't need security. Relax. I'm a grown-up. Well, you know, I'll see you in the morning. He goes, no, but where am I going to sleep? I was like, in your room? He was like, I didn't get a room. I was like, we're grown men. You're not staying in my room. Where are we going to have two sleep apnea machines, two night guards? I get comfy. I wear footsie pajamas, a little top hat. I don't need you seeing this shit. I go old school. I sleep like I'm living in colonial America, like Benjamin Franklin. So, no. And he goes, well, dude, I have nowhere to go. I was like, bro, also, I only have one bed. He was like, so we'll sleep head to toe. I was like, that doesn't change the angle of your boner. That's... I don't care about your face, dude. Your boner is pointing directly at my belly button. And the last thing I need is you to have a wet dream that you're banging Mr. Met, and then I get ******* splashed on. So, you could sleep in the hallway, dude. No way. And then he did, and he just slept in the hallway with a full boner all night. I swear to God, I came out in the morning. He was just sitting there. He was like, bro, I couldn't sleep, man. My heart was racing. I was like, dude, you took too many Viagras. That's all it is. That needs an ending. It's okay. Almost done. I know you guys want to go. No, no, no. I do it for the Mets and Jets fans. We have a date. I'm kidding. What do you do today, sir? Anything good? You look like one of these guys. How old are you? 52, but you kind of dress young. I like that about you. Yeah, you try to. Oh, and you have an accent too, do you? From Australia? But is it really from Australia? Because you're talking in public, you make up an accent. Okay. Because sometimes people do that. They're from New Jersey. If I ever get out in public, I'm going to speak like this. But I like you, dude. You're cool. You're fit. Australia's awesome, right? It's just too far away. What did you ever think about that? Why are we... Isn't it tomorrow right now? Why are you guys not better at things if you're in the future? Right? I'm always looking at Australian athletes and politicians. I'm like, these guys... It's literally tomorrow. And they still can't figure it out. They're getting eaten by sharks. You know, I don't know. Australia's one of those places. I do like... I mean, I've never been. But I do... Dude, if I ever bought my friend Pat the amount of Viagras he'd take on a flight to Australia, he'd down the plane. Yeah. But dude, like, you know... Because we shouldn't be so connected. Australia's far enough away. A lot of places are far enough away where it's like the human brain has not adapted to be connected to everything at all times. And it messes with you. I don't know if you remember, right before the pandemic, the entire continent of Australia was just on fire. It was like on fire. I was making like national news here. It was like on every news channel. Like, it's on fire. You know, the fire's going to rage everywhere. It can get into the jet stream. And oh my God, I remember being nervous. I remember coming outside my apartment in Brooklyn, New York, being like, I can smell the ember. Oh my God! And then I remember they were like, the entire koala bear population can go extinct. And then I remember being like, I don't even want to live. Because they made it so somber. And the news, oh my God, the Instagram feeds, the GoFundMes, oh, the koalas. And then I remember just thinking one day like, yo, I've never even seen a koala bear unless I'm on Mushrooms at the zoo. And then I've talked to them. I've been like, hey little buddy, I've had chlamydia too. Is digging your nails into a tree help? This set has its ups and downs. As you would say, ups and downs. But that's okay, dude. Do you live here now? Oh, you're here on holiday. I like when you guys say that instead of vacation, holiday. It's good. Today's a holiday. Christopher Columbus, do you celebrate? Do you even know who he is? He's not a big deal at all, right? In Australia? Is he? Christopher Columbus, yes, they say he discovered America, but there were people there for 10,000 years before him. But yes, he did discover it, even though it technically wasn't America at all. It was the West Indies, and he really wasn't even from Italy. He was born there and then flew for another country. But Italian-Americans do celebrate him, and he did not actually discover America, but we tell the kids he did. And that's the truth. And the bottom line is, I do say happy Columbus Day because I come from an Italian-American family, so if I say happy Indigenous Peoples Day, I might as well just gargle a jar of cum to them. So it's really just pressure. I understand the beef. I get that, you know, he was a savage guy. I get it. It wasn't even real. I agree with the facts, but I have to stand up there and try to put the statues back up just because of the family that I live with. They're not going to allow it. I'm already gay enough for them because I don't know how to use a drill. So I can now also be like, man, let me get me a piece of my mind about Christopher Columbus. You can't do it. Some people just can't. Silence is violence. Yeah, well, if I speak up, it's violence, too, in my house, so what the f*** you want me to do? All right, guys, have a good night. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. The Mets won. The Mets won. I got a text. Danny Sagal, everyone. He's single, folks. He lives by himself in Sunnyside. Chris DiStefano, everybody. Let him hear it. Did you have a fun time tonight? Awesome. YouTube.com slash Christy Comedy every Sunday, 7 p.m. Eastern Time. Coming with this week's material. Also, guys, comment. Let me know what you liked, what you didn't like, and then here's a special guest. Jeffrey Gurian, everyone. Jeffrey Gurian. That's it, baby. Absolutely. This is the guy. Listen, hide your moms. He'll have sex with them. I never miss a thing that he does. Yes. Congrats on the Hulu thing. Oh, thank you, bro. I appreciate it, man. And then Jeffrey's also a great dentist. He told me to get my tooth crowned, and he told me to get a night guard for the upper teeth, and the dentist gave me one for the lower teeth, and the dentist gave me one for the upper teeth, and I said, listen to me, you better make one for my f***ing lower teeth, too, not the upper teeth, and I used it on my lower teeth, and I got to be honest with you, it's great. It is, right? It's great. It's not only has it fixed my tooth pain and TMJ, but I'm fully out of the closet now. He's such a pretty girl. He really is. Who's this guy? This is my assistant, Jake. Oh, what's up, dude? Yeah, I've seen you before. How you doing, man? Good. Last time I saw you, you were on a sloped roof in Pennsylvania. Sorry. Okay, yeah. You're not careful. Here it is. This is it. There it is. Oh, my God. I love Jeff. Just pulls off the f***ing hair. Jeff and every aunt in America have the same haircut. Okay. I love it. Are we on? Yeah. Let's just embrace for no reason. Hey, it's Jeffrey Gurian for Comedy Matters TV, and I'm here with New York City's next mayor, Chris DeStefano. That is me. They're calling me the good de Blasio. When did you decide you're running for mayor? I decided I was going to run for mayor when Eric Adams was unlawfully being prosecuted by whatever agency. I said, someone needs to come in and save this city, and that's me. I have Puerto Rican children. I'm a white man from Queens. My father left me when I was a kid, and I played basketball, so I'm black. And I... And I own a piece of property like I'm Chinese, so I have encompassed all New York, and so I think I am the best vote for mayor, and I'm gay. Right, he should definitely be mayor. He covers all the bases. Did you hear that they said Columbus is actually Jewish? It came out today. Columbus is Jewish? As if anti-Semitism wasn't bad enough, right? Now they're going to blame it on us. No, it came out really today in the Post. It said that scientists in Italy checked the DNA, and they found that Columbus is Jewish. Really? Yeah, I was at the Columbus Day Parade today. Oh my God. Everybody was talking about it. Isn't that crazy? He must have been so nervous being around all that smallpox. Oh, I can't. What if I get some on me? Oy! Oy! Oy! The smallpox. Oy! I can't deal with it. Oy, can someone... I'd like a chicken soup and a schmear of cream cheese. When's the Hulu special? So the Hulu special is coming out in February. So what it is, is it's one comic every month for 12 months. Hulu selected one comic, and they gave me February, Black History Month. It makes sense. So I'm coming out in February on Hulu. I want to say it's February 21st, but don't hold me to that. Do you know, Nick, what the actual date is? February 25th. It's February 30th. When are you going to be taping it? We taped it already at Tarrytown. Oh, really? I think you were there. No, I wasn't. Jeff doesn't give a shit about me. I can't believe you did something without me. No. You did something without me. That's terrible. We did it at Tarrytown Music Hall. We filmed it in March. Wait a minute. I think I wasn't there. Yes, you were. I remember going to Tarrytown. Columbus is Jewish! I can't believe that. Yes, you're right. I was there. Jake, you remember that? I told you I was there. Oh, that's crazy. It's coming out February 30th. Two days after never. Yes, two days after never. Look at that. Here it is. Come on, folks. Do you want to come on? That is just so awesome. Thank you. Do you want to come on and say hello quick? Here it is, folks. You guys have been asking me where T.T. Jerry is. This is New York's next mayor. And there he is, folks. He's back. Thank you so much. Oh, my goodness. It's so nice of you to come on. Nice surprise for you to come on. Is this someone from your past, Jeff? Somebody from my future. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Thank you. Did you like it? I'm just messing around with the material. All right. Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you. I have to get a selfie. Yeah, there it goes. Chrissy, you're the best. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Thank you, Jeff. I appreciate it. Thank you, Jerry. Will you take me a selfie? Oh, yeah, of course. Oh, you want the picture with Jeff? Yes. Yes, of course. Jerry's got fans everywhere. Next mayor. Yes. He could stay out of prison, right? He even smells good. Thank you for coming. I appreciate it. Thank you. Hi, how are you? Thank you. I appreciate it. I am? Wow. Thank you. Is she Puerto Rican now? She is. I'm Colombian. There you go. Oh, yeah? Get up there, bro. Are you going out Wednesday? I'm going to the mess, yeah. And I'll hit you up. All right, brother. Thank you, man. Thanks, Chrissy. That was so great. It's so good to see you. Are you doing the photos? Have me on Wednesday. I will, 100%. When you have time. All right, brother. Good to see you, man. See you, Jake.