Not Special Special 2 | Fahim Anwar Standup Comedy

Thank you. Irvine. I love it here. This is where you come when you've made it. You've made it. There's a ferris wheel. We've made it. Whenever you're having a bad day, do you just like sit on it and it brightens you up? You're like, I'm in Irvine. Things are okay. Things could be worse. I could be in Tustin. Yeah, I know cities. I know your rivals. Do you hate Tustin? Probably not. Like they're okay. Is there like a, it's like, it's like Romeo and Juliet. Like she lives in Tustin and we can't love each other. It's forbidden love. Everything's so bougie out here. You have a stretch lab. That's like, that's Irvine. You have so much money. You're like, I don't want to do this myself. I want to pay someone to stretch me out. Cut up fruit and stretch me. I own a business. Stretch me. I've made it. Irvine is just Disneyland for adults. This isn't real. This isn't a real city. You guys know that they just bust your homeless people to us in LA. We get them like a ******* other Irvine batch. Great. Phenomenal. Just Santa Anna or Los Angeles. You just, just not here. Not, you ask the homeless, you go, you want to go North or South? Up to you. Flip a coin. Cause it's not, it's not here. We have a Luna grill. You can't chill out there. Okay. It's premium kebabs. You're scaring money away. Buy kebabs or leave. So Dodgers champions. Yeah. World series. Yeah. It's so cool. I don't really watch a lot of baseball, but I was watching this world series. So I was watching a lot of baseball. And as I was watching it, I was like, baseball's kind of gay. It's kind of gay. You know, like they wear belts for some reason. There's no reason to be wearing belts in 2024. We have like Lululemon technology. We have synthetic fibers, but they're like, it goes on my outfit. I want to, I'm wearing pajamas and I want a belt to break up the top and the bottom. It just pops. They wear jewelry. It's the only sport where they're allowed to wear jewelry. They have chains and earrings. They stand in the outfield like this. ------- hit it. Hit it here. Come on. Hurry up. I'm bored. My best friend. He's so far away. He's there. And then ******* let's get it over with. Come on. ------- hit it. Hit it here. Even when they come up to bat, they're like, I'll come out, but only if you play my song. Okay. And then they're in the batter's box and it's all masculine. And then they serve looks. Throw it down the pipe. I dare you. Even the dugout, you know where the dugout is underground. It's so they can have gay sex and the fans can't see. So I'm not great with chicks. Like I went to engineering school. It was all guys. So I'm pretty dense. Like I never know when a girl likes me. Even when I was like, like growing up, my buddies would be like, dude, she was into you. And I was like, no, she wasn't. They're like, dude, she was jerking you off. I thought she was trying to get spit off her hands. I don't think she liked me, dude. Crazy. I'm dense. I'm very dense. Like even Netflix and chill. You're supposed to like **** at some point, but I was just watching Lord of the Rings for like for eight hours. I was like, Gandalf is pretty good in this one, huh? Even strip clubs. I'm like, is that a load bearing pole? What is what kind of material is that pole? Is that steel or titanium? I grew up in Seattle. I'm lucky. Like there was not a lot of racism out there. Yeah. Although one time some kids call me 7-Eleven, but that's not that bad. That's kind of fun. That's like an eighties. It's an eighties cowabunga dude racism. I never understood 7-Eleven as an insult. Like, Oh, I'm a small business owner. I think my generation and younger generations were just too quick to get triggered and micro-aggressed. I just have such reverence as I've gotten older to my parents' generation. They had to deal with way worse. They got called way worse ----. They kept their head down. They bought up property and land. People were like camel jockey, towel head. They're like, call me whatever you want, but don't forget to call me landlord. Rent's due. That's the beauty of America. You make enough money. You get to be a white person. That's what LLC stands for. It's limited liability Caucasian. You make enough money or you get to the end of the chessboard and you're like white me. That's great. I'm a, I live in the Valley. I'm, I'm in this Valley. So I'm in this townhouse. There's a bunch of other units and the HOA, they're like, okay, we gotta, we gotta check the units for termites. So they checked all of them. They came to my place. This Israeli guy came. He looked at my place and then he goes, here's the scoop. You have termites. So what I'm going to do, I'm going to come by Tuesday and drop a bomb on your house. I was like, isn't that a little extreme? That seems to be a lot of collateral damage and my damage other units. And he's like, that's why I'm telling you I'm doing it Tuesday and not to alarm you, but one of the termites is Hamas. It's just a good joke. Thank you. Three people. Thank you. Three people. You know, that's just a tight joke guys. Comedy wise. This is good. Do you think it's weird? Oh, you're in a comedy show and you're in the front row. Are you on like acid? Wait, what's happening? Where am I? I've been doing comedy 22 years. This has never happened where someone just ******* Manchurian candidates in the front row. Where am I? What organism am I? Am I a Caterpillar? I'm human. I guess this is the vodka Red Bull. What am I? What? I've never had an audience over say what's happening. What's happening? You're like Neo from the matrix coming out of your slime pod. Just no eyebrows. He's gonna pop. He's gonna, there she is front row. We need to unplug Neo, but I want to be courteous. So where do you want me to take it back? I'm a good actor. I'm a good actor. So we're starting. Where do you want scene one? When I come out, Boston, how are we? How far just Netflix this thing? Is this sort of like when you watch Netflix and you fall asleep on the couch and you're like, where did I lose consciousness? I know where I stopped it, but where did my brain stop processing information? You ever do that? You're watching Netflix and you're like watching it, but you're just like, not there anymore. And you're like, where did I lose consciousness? But my eyes were open. There's two Netflix points. There's the literal stop of it. And then there's the, when your brain stops processing information. Yeah. Where do you want? What part did you hand me down vagina? Like these are, these are tracks on an album. Let's skip to hand me down vagina. It's my favorite track. Can you name all my comedy album tracks, please? Cause I don't even call it that in my notes. Hand me down. You're like Barry Gordy. We're going to call this one. Hand me down vagina. Hand me down vagina. Hand me down vagina. The teens love it. I feel like DC is the capital of bad bitches with lanyards, just hot ass professionals, power suits, just baddies with key cards. You need access. I'll let you in. I come when I hear that sound. It's hot. Yeah. And then, uh, it's very weird. I was just walking around the city. It's weird. I guess you're, you're used to it. Just like so many guys in front of buildings with like bulletproof vests and guns. That's odd. You know? And they make small talk. They're like, the weather's great. You can like end my life. And he's like the cherry blossoms are about to bloom. Uh, yeah, I've heard about them. Yes. Yes. I have to check them out sometime. A lot of benches to your big bench city. A lot of like a bench culture out here. It's kind of beautiful. I saw a couple sitting on a bench. Like that's, that's a date in DC. Also the museums are free. Like if you're a poor single guy, you got to come to DC. That's where it's at. Like we'll get sandwiches. We'll go to the Smithsonian. Like I'm not poor. I thirst for knowledge, babe. I went to the Smithsonian. It was cool. They got, uh, the American history one. You can see all these artifacts from American history. I got to see like the actual cigars shoved into Monica's pussy. It's pretty, it was awesome. I'm like, Whoa, those are them. I wanted to touch them, but it's behind glass. So I couldn't, you have to watch like this. There was animatronic, you press a button and then there's an animatronic Bill Clinton. He's like, open wide, open wide, open wide. It's pretty useful. Yeah. I can't believe it's free. You could charge for that. You could charge money. So divided right now. It's crazy. Cause I was walking around just, you know, sightseeing. I got a picture of me in front of the white house, Renee took it for me. It was just me in front of the white house. And then somebody DM me. He goes, he goes, **** you. I didn't even say anything. It was just a picture of me in front of the white house. Fuck you. It was just me smiling. Like it's still a historical landmark. You ************. You don't take pictures in front of the white house with what's going on. Apparently you can't smile in front of things anymore. That's how divided we are. It was cool watching the white house. There's that gate there, you know, it's just like looking at it. And then sometimes your brain just has like lizard impulses. You know, I was thinking like I could kill myself by like jumping over the fence right now. I can just hop over the fence. That'd be like a funny way to go. You know, I just lose my mind. Like I'm a totally normal. I'm like, I have to do this. You all get emails like the show's been canceled. Fahim charged the white house. You just see me on Twitter. Just a bunch of like, why was he running towards it? Any children of immigrants here tonight? Yeah. Yeah. Get them. No, I work for ice. I'm not even a real comedian. This is a sting operation at the DC improv. They repel from the ceiling. No, you're safe. You're all safe. It's all, it's feel like children of immigrants. It's a, it's a hard upbringing for us here in America. Like, cause I would have a lot of white friends in the cul-de-sac and I would look at their lives and just like the way their parents were. I'm like, oh man, that looks a little better. Can I have that? Just, they're not like our parents are on our case all the time. Immigrant parents. You know what I mean? Some of the stuff I would overhear from white parents, like whatever you want, Tyler, you know, or like as long as you're happy, I would hear that a lot. As long as you're happy. My dad has never asked me if I'm happy. He doesn't give a ****. Honestly. I don't think he's like, you're breathing. I did it like the legal minimum. He thinks is crushing it. Even if I killed myself, he'd be like, I thought it was happy. How do I know? Yeah. My dad, you know what? I feel like encapsulates perfectly what I'm talking about. Like how great it is to have white parents. I feel like Hunter Biden. That's the perfect example of how great it is. You know, he's like smoking crack, ******* prostitutes. And Joe Biden's like, they're there. We all make mistakes, Hunter. You're pardoned. If that was me and they asked my dad, like, Oh, are you going to pardon your son? He'd be like, what son? My son died when he got a B in algebra. He's dead. He's dead to me. Dead to me. So Elon, he's having his 13th kid. Are you guys happy for him? Yeah. He's like a, he's like a white Nick cannon. I see. Elon fucks. You think he's a nerd, but 13 kids, this guy fucks. He must be pretty smooth. You know, he brings chicks to his place and he's like, you know, so you like sit down on the sofa. So you just make yourself comfortable, you know, take your shoes off. What have you Do you like music? I'm going to put some R&B on and he's like, Oh **** yeah. I'm going to take my pants off. You know, you could like take off, you take your pants off. Okay. So I'm going to dock. I'm going to dock your vagina. There we go. There we go. All right. So it's going to rock back and forth a few times. There we go. Oh, **** yeah. Yeah. I'm about to blast off like a space X rocket. So we're finished. Um, you know, if you get pregnant, just build me. What an interesting life he's had. Just a really charmed life. Grows up South Africa, immigrates to America, starts all these businesses. They all become successful. And now he's working in government. It's like the musical Hamilton. I saw Hamilton. It's like very, there's going to be a musical in like a hundred years, just about his life. Just some guy comes on stage. Like Elon came to America with a butter knife deer spot. Like, you know, what if people could send money to each other, but digitally, so I should call it PayPal. And in the background, like PayPal, PayPal. Then Trump comes in break dancing. He's black. Like I want you to come work for me. People are like, have you seen the musical Elon? It's so good. Oh my God. Elon is Puerto Rican. Elon is Puerto. Trump is black. They jumbled the races. It's so fun. You've got to check it out sometime. A lot of girls like tall guys because like, I like to feel safe. I want to feel safe. So I need a seven foot man. What about a short guy with a gun? How about that? That could work. Like Peter is like, Hey, back off. She's with me. What do you think? Like sex more men, men or women? Yeah. Both. That's very diplomatic. Both. I think both enjoy it, but I think men like it substantially more. Cause sometimes this will happen. You'll text a girl to like, hang out like, Hey, let's grab a drink. And then she'll be like, ah, I'd love to, but I'm in bed. No guy would ever text that. No guy would say I'm already in bed. Like a guy could be in deep REM sleep and get a phone call from you. Like, Hey, what's up? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Houston. Yeah. That's yeah. He's crushing Red Bull. You're like, Oh, you like beards. Every bearded guy in here. This is beard oil. Like he's brushing it out. So like the modern big fan. Every time he came on CNN, like took down two towers. He's a bad boy and has a beard. I ******* love Bin Laden. It's so hot. Beards. He's got a beard. And then some like how he twisted it. I like beer. Wait, I don't like Bin Laden. Stop it. I love chemical Ali. He's my favorite. She's like a hipster of loving terrorists. I saw wicked recently. It's another musical. Anybody see it? It's good. It's really good. This thing happens in musicals though, that I always notice whenever the main characters go to a new town, everyone in that town is like, so excited. Like everybody in that town is like, they're here in the Emerald city. Like not, not one guy doesn't want to dance. There's no one guy who's like ******* this again. I can't wait to save up enough money to get out of this *******, this ******* town. My back hurts and ----. And I got to ******* **** this town. Oh, what's your, what's your real name? What is it? Joffer. Interesting. I've never heard Joffer before. Yeah. I've heard of Joffery and I've heard of Jafar. You're like in between. I'm Joffer. I'm in between those two. There's Jafar, Joffery. I'm Joffer. It's like the human evolution chart. Like Joffer's in the middle. What's your background. Oh ----. Nice. That's what I am guys. Come on. Yeah. We're the good ones. It's okay guys. We're not bad people. Bin Laden was just like treating us like an Airbnb. We're not responsible for what he did. He was just camping out there. Your boyfriend, Joffer. Yeah. So do you, what's your name in Starbucks? Javier. Why? Why? That's some other ----. That's like psychological. This guy loves Antonio Banderas movies. He's like Desperado one too many times. Did you order like this and like, I'm Javier. That's frappuccinos for Javier. I didn't know you could do that dude. You just like opened my mind because I've been putting a ceiling on my life. I thought Frank is as high as I could fly. I'm going to be like Ernesto. Ernesto. Because I always have it unbuttoned to here. I have a Spanish guitar guy with me every time. Pick up for Ernesto. Terrorist logic is like funny to me because you know, terrorists, they won't eat pork. They won't have premarital sex and they won't, they won't have alcohol, but then they'll like blow up a bus. That's interesting. You know, loophole. Like, I don't know how you finesse that logic. Right. God is like, Oh yeah. Why did you murder all these people? And he's like, I never had pepperoni. He's like, thank you. Thank you for that. Thank you for doing that. But I kind of care more about the civilians you killed. He's like, Oh, I thought you cared more about the pepperoni stuff. No murder. He's like, Oh, so we got our wires crossed. Okay. Okay. That's good. That's good to know for next time. I'm glad we talked. You know, after nine 11, it was, it was tough for a lot of what I'm not allowed to talk about it. It's just so, this is a good teachable moment right here. Like I can have an experience about what happened to me, nine 11, but I just say nine 11. You're like, Oh God, I'm not going to do. Should I do a bad night? I'll do a bad nine 11. So you know what? It's bad. Like, how? Yeah. Okay. It's not even that bad. It's so close. I shouldn't be doing it. This is like, no, it's not even that bad. I'm like, do you like, what if nine 11 happened on seven 11? They'd be out of, they'd be out of business. Right. Or would they lean into it? Be like, never forget. We have slurpees. It's a dumb, it's like a Popsicle joke. That one, you know, you're like, what the ****? No, I'm just saying nine 11 was hard when I was a kid. I was hard. You know, it was tough for Brown people in America when that happened is because we were like targets and everything. And we thought that maybe it would be more like Pearl Harbor. Like, okay, cool. Like, they'll forget about it eventually. But then you guys were like, no, the catchphrase is never forget. We'll get bumper stickers and t-shirts to say, never forget. Fuck like Pearl Harbor. Everyone forgets about it. They do Nintendo and Pikachu. Now the Japanese were Nazis, but everyone forgets about it. They're like, Oh, Mario. They made an Italian plumber and we're like, oh, it's forgiven. Japan. He goes in pipes to travel. We'll forgive Pearl Harbor. So yeah. Also, you know, that it's over like Pearl Harbor. People don't get to think about it anymore because you'll see kids on spring break. They'll be like, yo, let me get two kamikazes. It's a, they order it. They order a terror attack. I don't know. 9 11 is officially in the rear view mirror. When I see like frat bros, like, Oh, let me get two tower ones and one tower too. Do you want a Pentagon? You want a Pentagon? All right. We're going to throw in a Pentagon. Who do you think is more talented? Cosby or Michael? Michael. I think, I think Cosby because both got away with their crimes their whole life pretty much, but Cosby got away with it while being black the whole time. Mike was white for half those kids. Come on. Um, yeah, I got in today. San Francisco. It's been shoplifting since I've been here. When in Rome, you know, so it's the big leagues. You're a shoplifter. You come here to see if you've got what it takes. I've heard that if it's like under a certain amount of money, you're okay. That's like, it's like jail prices, right? Am I over the limit or you're going to jail? Oh ****. Toothpaste cost that much? Oh ****. I tempted fate. Yeah. Are you sad that Twitter's leaving? Elon's taking his ball and going. He's like, yeah, I'm too edgy for you guys. They let me say retard in Austin. So if you were cool, I would stay here, but going to Austin. Did you hear his plan to stay in San Francisco got shot down? What he wanted to do? He wanted to move X to Alcatraz. He's like, the jails will be like the cubicles and stuff. You know, employees can take jet skis to work. It'd be ******* awesome. The election. Are you guys excited about the election? Yeah. Uh, I, you know, I like Kamala because she will be whatever you want her to be. You know, like if she's speaking for like in front of a bunch of black people, she'll be like, sorry, I'm late. You know, I'll be running out of black people time. And if she's speaking for like a bunch of Jamaican people, she'll be like, hear me now. Hear me now. If I was your president. She's speaking to a bunch of Indian people. She'll be like, I will be a very good president. I will be president. The great Mahatma Gandhi once told me. Yeah. Biden said he had to drop out. Right. It's not all there. I'm not even saying that as an insult. Like I'm saying it's a positive. Like I think it's impressive for him. Like he was able to bang out those speeches and then just stare at a butterfly for an hour. I like how they always grabbed his wrist. I want to see the butterfly. We'll bring the butterfly to you, Mr. President. The president was a butterfly, but it's been a butterfly to the president. They're out there with nets. Yeah, it's sad. He has dementia, you know, it's sad. But I will say all things considered, like forgetting and remembering your president has got to be the best way to have dementia. Right. He was like, Oh, where am I? Like, you're the president. Oh, ****. Yeah. Who are you? Secret service. Oh, I'm the president. That's best case. You know, you forget how long he's been in like in and around the white house, you know, like eight years under Obama, four years as himself as president. And then he has dementia. So he's like losing it a little bit. It must be blending together. He must think it's like Fight Club. You know, he's like, I've been Barack Obama the whole time. I'm Baracko Biden. I'm black. Yeah, my dad's old school. Sometimes I wonder like how he would navigate some new problems that parents are dealing with nowadays, just as a thought experiment. I was like, Hey, dad, what would you have done if, what would you do if when I was a kid, I came up to you and I said, I want to be a girl now. And then he goes, you buy your own tits. I like that joke because in that joke, he's progressive, but cheap. In this house, we pay for our own pussy, okay? You wear the job at Safeway as a bag boy or girl, whatever the ****, bag they. I've heard that's the fantasy. I have some gay friends in LA, like turning a straight guy is very hot. Like that's, that's awesome. Like, I was thinking though, like if I were gay, I would just like, use that to my advantage. I would just like lie every time. I would just be in an alley. Like I have a wife and kids. I've never done anything like this. I can't be here right now. And then after I bust, be like, psych, I love it every minute of it. Then I would just roller blade away. I'd go off a ramp. It's too late. I played you. I'm just curious. This is a thought I've had. Are you straight? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I feel like this is a weird airline. Like you're straight in the event of emergency. Everyone's straight in this aisle. Okay. Yeah. You're straight. Yeah. Okay. So amongst your group of friends, like, do you call each other gay? Yeah. Yeah. I like how honest he is. You know, he's like, that's true of every straight guy, you know, every, every straight guy in there, they, we call each other gay for some reason. Like no matter how progressive society gets, we call each other gay and it seems homophobic, but it's not. I don't think it is because like, if I took a photo of myself on Instagram and I was in a, I was in like a leather jacket, just leaning against the wall. And then the caption just read, love this look. I would be in a text thread and everyone would just be like, and it's not because they're homophobic. Cause if I were gay, they wouldn't do that. They wouldn't do that. So they're against gay appropriation. These bros are allies. They're like, Hey, that's what gay guys do. What are you doing? Dude? Saving for the gay guys. Like ladies, we love having sex with you. You know, I think, I think, I think guys like having sex with you more than you like. Cause women are always like, we like, we like it too. But I don't, I don't think not as much as us because you, you need so many, you need so many stars to align and ---- for it. Like a super hot naked chick can just beam down in front of any guy and just be like, take me now. And be like, yeah. All right. What dumpster you want to go to? This is a good dumpster. I go to here sometimes. Yeah. But if a super hot naked guy beamed down in front of a woman who's like, let's go. You'd be like, what's your job? What are your hobbies? Who are your friends? I need context. I can't **** a random spaceman from the sky. I think Judaism has the best branding though. Like for religions, it has the best branding. Like it's just a little more exclusive. Christianity is just too, they're like, Hey, have you heard about Jesus Christ? Our Lord and savior. If you accept him in your heart, he absolves you of all your sins. Here's a brochure. Here's some literature. Come by sometime. And then Jews are more like, what are you doing here? It's just a little less inviting. Like 10 feet walls in front of the, uh, I'm like, those are good secrets. Let me in. Come on. I want it. I want it. I want in on it. I'm on the dating apps and like, there's, there's a lot of, there's Which is great. It's like a quiet place as soon as you say that word. No, it's great. It's great. It's just, it's just like a, like a different type of woman that I'm, that I'm looking for. Is that okay to say? It's sort of like the jokers in a deck of cards. Like, yes, it's technically part of the deck, but I can't play with them. That's just a tight joke guys. I know, I know I had to do it. Comedically take the politics out of it. That's like a razor sharp joke. Whatever you're feeling table at, like from a comedic words standpoint, super tight, no fat on that one. That is Kobe beef. One time I was on a date, we were like on the couch, we were trading Spotify songs and stuff. And then somehow Warren G came up and then she's like, Oh, I don't know Warren G. And I should have been like, Oh yeah, check it, check it out sometime. But instead I was like, you don't know Warren G? I doubled down on being a dinosaur. Regulate? You don't know Regulate? No, you don't know Regulate? I should have let it go. But I'm like, surely she will remember Regulate once I jog her memory with a song. And then I play it and it goes, and I'm looking at her face and she's like staring at me. And then it comes on like, it was a clear black night. Like she's, I'm not even on a date anymore. I'm like, I'm a child, I've transported, I've time traveled. And I'm just, I'm just having a moment, you know? It was a clear black, she's watching an old guy rap to an old song. I'm like, if you smoke like I smoke, then you high like it. She's like, how do I get out of your complex? How do I get out of here? Um, two, one, three, well, Regulate. I'm like, just drive over to the gate. It'll let you out. Chords, strings, weaverings, melodies. She flunk.