To Anyone Feeling Lonely

Loneliness is complicated. New town, new job, depression, social anxiety, low self-esteem, no friends. Sometimes it's none of those things, and sometimes it's all of them. Sometimes it's brief, sometimes it's more long-lasting, sometimes it makes sense why, and sometimes it doesn't make any sense at all. There might be a simple solution for some, while for others, there's not. You can see why it's complicated. Just like with most things, there's no single common cause or cure, nor is there a clear definition, because how could we possibly define any element of something that is so abstract? If we look up the term loneliness online, the first thing that pops up is sadness because one has no friends or company. And I wouldn't say that's entirely true. It wasn't in my case, at least. For me, it was actually around the time when I was surrounded by people almost constantly. Waking up, breakfast, lunch, going out, going to bed. Very rarely was I not accompanied by others. Although I did, of course, try to find my alone moments because introvert survival instinct. Yet I felt really lonely, and it's not an easy thing to describe. I can barely even describe it to myself, but it was kind of like feeling trapped inside my own thoughts and feelings. That bubble almost became my comfort zone, like you almost accept that this state of mind is your home now. At that time, I couldn't really understand why I was feeling that way. You know how you sometimes can't seem to think clearly when you're in a certain situation, but then once you're out of that situation and you look back, it all becomes crystal clear. It's like ending a relationship and then looking back, like, what the hell was I thinking? And all of a sudden, it all just makes sense. You feel like the answers were right in front of you all along, but you just couldn't see them because you were blinded by love or whatever. And I think loneliness can kind of blind you the same way. It makes us see life through a lens that might not always reflect reality. So, now that I've been out of that situation for a long time, I see how that played out in my life back then, and I can see the things that had blinded me. Now, I'm not going to bore you with the details, but essentially, I realized that I wasn't fully living a life that aligned with my authentic self. Now, that might sound cliché and cheesy, but bear with me. So, let's say you're at university, studying to become an engineer. You're going to be surrounding yourself with other people who are doing the same thing. But if that's not really what you want to be doing, chances are you're going to feel a disconnect with your surroundings, and perhaps even with yourself. And that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with those people or with you. It's just that just because something is someone else's world, it doesn't mean it has to be yours. And sometimes you realize those things after you've already invested yourself in them. And sometimes we talk ourselves into thinking that we should be wanting this thing because, I don't know, others want it, or because it would be wrong not to want it. Like, we should be grateful. And other times, the thing that we're doing used to be exactly what we wanted. But we're human beings. We grow, we learn, we change, and that's just life. No matter how much you try to calculate the risks and foresee the future to somehow try to make sure that you're making the right decisions in life, you're not a weather app. And even those things get it wrong. Like, it's been saying it's going to be sunny for a week, but where's the sun, Stockholm? Now, the period of loneliness eventually passed for me. And this is footage of me from some time later when my life wasn't nearly as eventful and when I had way less people around me. More like three, including family. Now, before I share my thoughts on what I think happened between then and now and what I learned, I do want to make it clear that I don't have all of this figured out. I am no therapist or psychologist. I'm not qualified to give any professional advice. Other than the time that I spend researching for these videos, I'm just someone sharing their story in the hopes of someone finding something valuable in it. And even if you don't, maybe you like the music or the visuals or something. Anyway, here's what I learned. So this low point of mine was before I guess I started walking this trail of self-exploration that I'm currently on. And perhaps some people don't really care about getting to know themselves and they will do fine, you know, everyone is different. But for me, I found a lot of answers when I became more curious to try to understand why I am the way I am and what my true values are and what brings me joy and what doesn't. And this isn't just something that you learn through books and reading, although that's great. I think the best way to get to know yourself is through experience, through the ups and downs in life, you know, by stepping out of your comfort zone and challenging yourself. Even if it's just a workout challenge or challenging yourself to do something that you've never done before. Being able to answer questions like what scares me, what makes me really uncomfortable, where do I find my peace, how do I deal with my anger. Now, how is this related to loneliness? So I think that if you don't explore more of who you are, you'll just kind of get dragged along in life and you will end up in places that you don't want to be, with people whose company you don't really enjoy, which will then lead you to feel like you don't belong, which might end up with you feeling lonely. Or perhaps you will end up nowhere and with no one. Again, because you don't know where you would want to be or what kind of people you would be interested in meeting. So instead of letting life lead you, you should be the leader of your life. Another part of this is that understanding yourself better will help you understand other people better in general as well. And there's been studies on this, I can link some in the description if you're interested. But what I've found is that in understanding other people better, not only makes it easier to navigate through all the shallowness, but it also welcomes the opportunity for deeper human connection, which ultimately is one of the most meaningful things that we can have in life. I read somewhere that the opposite of loneliness is meaningful connection, and I buy that, not only with others, but with yourself as well. And ultimately, I've realized the importance of doing what I want to be doing rather than doing what is expected of me. And now I'm not talking about taking responsibility and doing the boring stuff that are our obligations. What I'm talking about aligns more with the engineering example that I touched on earlier. We don't even always realize it, but a lot of the decisions that we make are based on some sort of norm that we're trying to follow or some sort of expectation that we're trying to live up to, whether that's on a societal level or if it's just in your family, rather than doing what we feel in our hearts. In other words, we're letting other people's expectations influence or even determine our decisions. And those other people can be people we don't even know, people who follow us online that we somehow feel like we need to prove something to. And we do this all the time. The degree we choose, how we choose to spend our money, how we choose to spend our weekend or our birthday. You know, we try to please others at the expense of our own pleasure. And it's like people who throw big birthday parties or weddings with a bunch of people who they don't even really care about and who don't even really care about them. And they don't even really enjoy themselves because they're not doing what they actually want to be doing, but rather doing it to prove something, either to themselves or to others. And that's not what I would call fulfillment. And reality is that no one really cares that much about what you do. It's like when you go to the gym and you think that everyone is staring at you, when in reality, most people are just focused on themselves. I promise. Now, none of the things I brought up are things that you accomplish in a week or ever, really. There's no accomplishment here. It's a lifelong journey, and this is just my experience. I like to see life as an adventure, where I'm just picking up lessons along the way. But I'm very aware that I'm only beginning to scratch the surface, and that's exciting. Now, since loneliness is so unique to each person, I'd love to hear your experience. And I'm sure that others would as well. So feel free to share your story, let's chat in the comments, and I'll see you there.