Horatio Gould: Sweet Prince - Full Stand Up Special

Oh my God, you look exactly like me. What the actual ****? What the f- This is my special film and I'm now being haunted by myself. Are you me after the special? Did I do well? Are you here to warn me or something? That's completely throwing me off. That's the weird thing about doing comedy. If you stand long enough talking into a microphone, men who look like you will gather round to hear what you have to say. No, I think this is going to relate to me, yeah. Let's get whooping. Let's cheer in. Yes, thank you for coming. Our generation is underrated, man. I think it is. I was on the phone with my dad and he was laughing about the fact that we might get conscripted to fight in World War III. He was saying that we're all snowflakes with learning difficulties and that we'd be terrible on the front line. And I'm sick of this because I think we'd be better than people give us credit for because it's true, right? We do have more learning difficulties, more mental health disorders, more dysmorphias, you name it, than any other generation. That's true. But that's not necessarily a weakness. You've just got to learn how to weaponise our learning difficulties. Dyslexics, get them on Morse codes, right? Enemy listening in. What the **** are they talking about? You've got to be smart. ADHD, I'd get them on drone strikes, right? Why don't they get distracted? Not with a subway surfer video underneath. Hyper-focused, deadly. National security, girls with anxiety disorder. That's where you come in. That's where overthinking is an asset. I literally feel like everyone wants to be dead. That's exactly what we're looking for, man. Don't trust anyone. Vegans, we'll need them. They're built for trench warfare, right? Get a bit peckish, handful of mud, that's them sorted. Spies, gender fluid, very versatile. No one knows their next move, keep them guessing. Could teach them all TikTok dances about how to avoid landmines. It's good. And also the army's evolved, didn't you select gay people in? Remember don't ask, don't tell? Fuck that. Do ask, do tell. I'm going to get a squadron of bitchy little twinks behind enemy lines doing what they do best. Spreading misinformation, right? The gossip squad. Yeah, I think they're going to attack from the west. Don't tell anyone I told you that, all right? You've got to be smart with it. Autism. We've got to weaponize British autism. Some of the best autism in the world. Francis Bourgeois, that train guy. Get him off trains, get him on tanks. That's what I'm talking about. GoPro strapped to his head. There's five in the bunker over there. He'd be absolutely terrifying. I think we'd take the World War II generation, man. I think we would. Because they were all like five foot two, the same generic straight white man. I'd like to see them against a pack of furries running on all fours. Terrifying. I'm sick of my dad saying our generation's soft. We're just harder in a different way, you know? His first memory was England winning the World Cup. My first memory was two girls, one cup, all right? He grew up watching the Muppets on TV. I grew up watching ISIS beheading videos on my Tamagotchi, all right? It's different. What I do respect my dad is he doesn't give a ****. He's not anxious about things in the same way that I am. Like, two separate girlfriends have tried to kill that man with a kitchen knife. He falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. Like, no one has ever slept better than my dad. I once misgendered a six-year-old. I now can't sleep forever. I mean, he really doesn't give a ****. He called me Horatio just so he could make fun of me. I mean, that's true. He's called John, all right? If I ever get lippy with him, he'll be like, oh, I'm sorry, Lord Horatio. Oh, is the man not to your pleasing? Someone calls my name in public, he'll just laugh to himself like a prick. Calls me fellatio in front of my friends. This is child abuse. Should be illegal. As for my father's son, I'm going to settle some scores. I can't have a sweet baby boy like James. They'll have no respect for me. James, Horatio, the power dynamics all that. As for my father's son, I'm going to call him Colonel Gaddafi. All one word. Teach the little pricks some manners, yeah? Call his sister Coney 2012. Lay down the law. And we've got to find that guy as well. My dad's a funny man. He's this weird mix between like a... He's like an East End wheeler dealer, right? But he's recently found this sort of new age spirituality, but refuses to change his old personality. So now he's this sort of jarring mess of different people, where he very sincerely says things like, son, only cunts don't align their chakras, all right? Where he storms out his room furious, like who fucked up the feng shui in my room? Which one of you fuckers was it? Genuinely, my dad went on a two-week silence retreat in northern India. Lasted 45 minutes because they weren't showing West Ham games, all right? It's like if Guy Ritchie directed Eat, Pray, Love. It's a nightmare. But I was mainly raised by my mum and my sister. And my mum, she was a big thing for her. She didn't want me being desensitized to violence, right? She wouldn't let me play violent video games like Call of Duty. But actually, Call of Duty was a key male bonding experience. After school, they'd get online, they'd play Call of Duty, and it'd probably be the happiest time of their lives for me. So instead of having that key bonding experience, I was home alone playing the turn-based strategy game Civilization V, right? Now, this fucked me up way more than Call of Duty ever could. This desensitized me to violence on a far more profound level. Because I wasn't a soldier following orders. I was a genocidal warlord giving the orders. It wasn't good. My friends were shooting guns. I was manufacturing famines with my agricultural policy, all right? They were working as a team to achieve a mission, right? I poisoned my son because I viewed him as a threat, all right? It fucked me up. I also grew up with an older sister. That's traumatizing. If you're a guy and you have an older sister, it really warps your view of women. Because I grew up thinking that all women were violent criminals. She's just beat the ---- out of me. And guys at school would be like, oh, imagine being beaten up by a girl. I didn't have to. Every night I'd come home with the undertaker waiting for me, turning our bedroom into the octagon. She basically, she wanted a sister. And if I didn't dress up in a dress and do makeup, she'd slam my head in an Easy-Bake oven, run me over in a toy car, pelt me with sylvanians. It was awful. Until that one moment in every younger brother's life, my puberty kicks in. Male privilege comes upon nine. She's put me in a chokeslam and I just go, ENOUGH! Send her flying across the room and she looks at me. And she realizes, things are gonna be a little different around here. There's a new sheriff in town. So I thought, but that's when the physical abuse seamlessly transitioned into emotional abuse. The cold war had begun. She no longer hit me with a pillow. She now just told my friends I hump my pillow. It was psychological warfare. Way worse. But men and women, men and women aren't that different. But I'd be lying if I didn't think there was still maybe some fundamental differences. Like I was watching this film where this woman was trying to seduce a man, okay? And she comes up to him like a cocktail dress and whispers in his ear, I forgot to wear my panties, okay? And his eyes light up because it's clearly very sexy that this poor woman has forgotten her panties, right? And I was thinking about it, even if you reach a sort of genderless, non-binary utopia, I just don't know if it will ever be sexy for a man to forget his pants. I just don't know if that will ever be sexy. A woman forgetting her pants, that's sexy. A man forgetting his pants, that's... Get out this library, Derek, you know? Did you come alone? Let's get you home. You know, it's a very different vibe. Horny men paying thousands of pounds for women's dirty underwear. No woman wants a man's dirty underwear. Unless it's evidence in a court case. That's the only time. If I'm buying my girlfriend pants, it'll be like a sexy Valentine's Day treat. If she's buying me pants, I'm calling her from a pub toilet saying, it's happened again, all right? But I'm trying to be more romantic. We went on a romantic holiday recently to a city in Morocco called Marrakech, right? Maybe this is a bit patronising of me, but she hasn't really travelled as much. So I sort of wanted to prepare her. Because there's a lot of street harassment for women in cities like Marrakech. I'm not used to it. It can be a bit of a shock, right? And when we got there, a lot of the market traders and the souks were like, you're beautiful. You're an angel. I want to marry you. And there's a lot of this stuff. But we, you know, we prepared for that. What we hadn't prepared for was them all calling me ugly. We weren't ready for that ----. Leave your ugly boyfriend. Look at this creepy moustache. I'm getting called creepy by a man who harasses women all day. That's a low point. Honestly, walking through the souks of Marrakech was like going through an anxiety dream. All my worst insecurities being shouted at me. Lanky giraffe boy. It's Jeffrey Dahmer. For ****'s sake. One of them genuinely said, I look like the dwarf from Game of Thrones if it was normal height. It's like Christ. First person in history to wear a burka for his mental health. It was brutal. But no, on this holiday, I wanted to, I wanted to perform better in the bedroom, right? Because it's a romantic holiday. I wanted to be a more generous lover. Boys, can I hear a hell yeah? No, it doesn't work with my audience. Boys, can I hear a, oh, sorry. I was trying to last longer in bed. But I think, I don't know if you'll relate to this. I think I tried too hard because I started to become traumatised by the things I have to think of to not cum. Now, obviously men, to make themselves last longer, they'll think of the least sexual thing possible. It'll be like their all-time Premier League 11. Their nan taking the bins out. Whatever it is. I can't relate to that, boys. I finished that stuff off years ago. My head is dark. It's bleak. It's war, battlefields, bloodshed, famine, Civilization V all over again. Comet relief out the funny bits. And even she rolls over and says, that was great. Yes, but at what cost? What was lost along the way? I've got PTSD. You know, in her head, it's all sunshine and rainbows. In my head, it's like the opening to Saving Private Ryan. I'm on the beach of Normandy. My brothers are going down either side of me. It's hell on earth. Every time she asks for sex, I'm like, don't send me back to the front lines. It was incredible. He lasted all night. Yeah, that man had the worst night of his life. He did four tours of Vietnam. Check in on him, all right? It's a crisis in male mental health, you know? The problem is now, every time I finish, I'm thinking of these awful traumatic things. I'm developing a Pavlovian response to trauma. Now, BBC News comes on. There's been a famine in Darfur. I'm hard as a rock. Shouldn't explain that erection. I know it's dark up here. I have a pretty vanilla sex life. Nothing crazy. My housemate uses safe words. His safe word's tangerine. Maybe I'm a bit old-fashioned, but I think if you're using safe words, you've clearly gone too far. If please stop doesn't work, you've obviously gone too far. Text whichever parent you're upset with and sort it out, because that's just 442 missionary grow up. Be an adult. The closest I've ever been to any sort of kinky sex is my ex was very into pegging. James, do you know what pegging is? Like an old oak tree that's seen many winters. I don't know, whatever you're into, that's fine. But the idea of this terrified me, because nothing's ever gone up there, right? So in my head, it was like stroking a cat the wrong way. I don't know. It just seemed like it would be uncomfortable. But then she says something very interesting. She said, look, the male G-spot is up the arse. So the next level of sexual pleasure for men is up the arse. So the only reason why you as a man are turning down the next level of sexual pleasure is because deep down, you're homophobic. You hate gay people. Because I don't hate gay people. I love Tom Cruise. But then I was thinking about it, it's like maybe I am homophobic. Maybe this is all sort of deep-seated homophobia that I haven't processed. And I very nearly did it, because I'm an ally. You know, you've got to do your part. And it wasn't until I heard that Velcro strap that I was like, tangerine, tangerine. My point is, I think we've come a long way as men. You know, my dad, terrified of anyone thinking he's gay. I'm not gay. I'm not wearing that. I'm not drinking that. I'm not gay. Our generation will be completely different, lad. Now it's like, please **** me up the arse. I'm not homophobic. Like that has to be progress. Surely we're moving in the right direction. But things are going well with my girlfriend. I'd never cheat on my girlfriend. Dad normally gets a standing ovation, so high standards. I'd never cheat on my girlfriend. On many things, I'm not a cheater. But I just don't like how confident she is I won't. Do you know what I mean? Like, I find that quite emasculating. Like, I was eating a fruit pastel ice lolly. She's a very vulnerable time for any man. Over here, her on the phone going, oh, Rachel, you'll never cheat on me. Never. That's rude. She never goes through my phone whenever I'm in the shower. Never goes through it. It's a sign of disrespect. My friend says she trusts you. No, she doesn't believe in me. That's what's going on there. I don't want to cheat on her to teach her a lesson. Because it's always the ones you least expect. It's always the ones you least expect, ladies. You think you're safe? You're never safe. Think of Stephen Hawking's wife. Stephen Hawking cheated on his wife with his nurse. Imagine her face when she found out. There's a lot of obstacles dating someone in Stephen Hawking's condition, right? That's not a controversial thing to say. I'm sure he'd be the first to admit it. You wouldn't think one of those obstacles would be loyalty, all right? You at least know where he is. Is he sneaking off at night? You'd hear him. Makes a beat when he reverses. Crawling back in through the window late at night. Got a brassiere stuck in his wheel arch. Did you find nudes on his laptop? I thought you're doing science stuff, Stephen. Obviously, people pull back when I make jokes about Stephen Hawking. I completely respect that. But the idea of him gaslighting her is objectively hilarious. It just is. I don't know what to do with it, but it's too funny not to. Come on, baby. You know you're the only one for me. That is funny. I'm sorry. This little fuckboy haircut. Gold chain. Wearing Lynx Africa. I thought it was you, baby. It wasn't me. I mean, a shaggy Stephen Hawking's collab would be unreal. Picture this. We're both butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor. Can you help me up? Okay, jeez. But I'd never cheat on my girlfriend. I'd never cheat on my girlfriend. There's one woman. In recent years, I've developed a crush on a woman that I really shouldn't. And it's starting to really upset me because it's very confusing and uncomfortable, the feelings I have for this woman. I recently developed very upsetting sexual feelings for the refugee and terrorist Shamima Begum. Now, that's obviously crazy. That's obviously insane. You're shocked. How do you think I felt, all right? This didn't happen to you. I don't know what it was. It was that second interview, you know, with the sideways baseball cap, vest top. Just devil-may-care vibe. I'm not trying to objectify Shamima, right? Because it's not even a looks thing. There's an attitude there. She's a bad girl, all right? And bad girl gets thrown around a lot these days. A lot of people would be like, my best friend's such a bad bitch. And I'd be like a white woman badly twerking in the club. Imagine me rocking up with Shamima on my arm. My girl joined ISIS. That's a bad bitch right there. All these girls like, well-behaved women don't make history. Don't like when I bring Shamima along. Don't like that naughty woman. And morally, I think it's a disgrace she wasn't let back into the country. I genuinely do. But practically, I'm happy because we'd end up together. We would. We're soulmates. I just know it. We both live in East London. It's, I don't know. I mean, I'd watch that rom-com. When Horatio met Shamima. You know that scene in like American rom-coms where the male lead takes the glasses off the nerdy girl to show that she's been beautiful all along. That same scene with me and Shamima just with her suicide vest. All right, that is just bad. Baby, you're beautiful without it. If this show's about anything, it's about, I guess, about masculinity. I think the most traditionally masculine thing about me is I like live football. I like going to football games. It feels like a very safe space for men, live football games. A safe space where for 90 minutes you just go, oh, **** off. You **** off. And then they're all over there like, oh, you **** off. We're both having the best time of our lives. But it's interesting because there's always two middle fingers at a football game. Fuck off. Don't give a ----. Fuck you. One would be unhinged, wouldn't it? You've really hurt my feelings, all right? That's emo. Where are you? Football's in a funny place, though. There's been a big push in football against racism. And they used to have this slogan, which was kick it out, which to me is like the perfect slogan. Short, sharp, to the point. But then even with the slogan, it felt like racism wasn't going anymore. So they decided to change the slogan from kick it out to no room for racism. Harder stance, no room for racism. All over the ground, no room for racism. When I saw no room for racism, it sort of felt like a bit of a step down, if you ask me. Because when I see no room for racism, it sort of feels like they're saying, if there was room for racism, they'd bloody love to have it. Like, that is a very polite way to get rid of systemic racism. Like, oh, oh my God, racism, I'm so sorry. We've literally got no room at the moment. We've got too much sexism and homophobia. We can't squeeze you in right now. Try cricket. I think there's still some room for racism. I normally go to football with my friend, Graham. Graham's the stupidest man I've ever met in my life. He's my age and he's called Graham. Which means he was raised by parents who thought in 1997, it was acceptable to call a baby Graham. Now, most names mean something quite beautiful and nice. Does anyone know what their name means, by any chance? Anyone know what their name means? What's your name? What does Rachel mean? Little lamb. Isn't that sweet? Graham is Saxon for gravel. So... I used to get the bus home from school every day with my boy, Gravel, right? And one night he just goes, yes! What's going on? He goes, my parents aren't home. I can wank in the sitting room. So he's one of these guys. During our maths GCSE, he sat two rows behind me, halfway through the exam. I mean, that's pretty good. I still use that, actually. The funny thing is, it did take Graham 10 years to pass his maths GCSE after that point. He literally passed four months ago and posted on Facebook, to all the teachers who never believed in me, this is for you. Have you proved them wrong? But something that Graham said that really pissed me off recently, is he told me that he has a phobia of sharks. All right, and this really fucked me off. Because I don't think you can have a phobia of sharks. So I think we all have a phobia of sharks. Because they're ******* sharks. That's like saying you've got a phobia of being shot in the head by a machine gun. It's this really weird thing. What's that firing live ammunition at my head? I just freak out. I've had it since I was a child. What are you talking about? He loves someone who's doing the case for shark attack. Anyone else do it if you're attacked by a shark in open water? Smack it in the schnoz. That's exactly what Graham said. I'm sick to death of people telling me to punch a shark in the face. But as if it's some sort of life hack. As if it's some sort of like Bear Grylls survival tip. Beating a shark in hand-to-hand combat. I always knew defeating it in battle was an option. It's just a terrible option. You're fucked. Do you think anyone's ever been out at sea like, Oh my god, a shark! What did Graham say? Why didn't I think of that? Just twerk the **** out, you know? So clearly a geezer who came up with it under pressure. What would I do? Shark's coming at me. One of these, mate. Lights out with this bad boy. You know what to do if a gorilla's coming at you. Wait for it, then give it a wet wheelie. Very sensitive of the ears, actually. And I was making fun of Gravel, but he did get me back though. He said I look like the head boy of the Hitler Youth, which I feel isn't accurate. And I thought about it more. In many ways, I wish I looked like the head boy of the Hitler Youth. Because that's a Nazi filled with confidence. That's an alpha Nazi. That's not the Nazi I look like. Let's be real, guys. Like, I'm trying to be more confident, but this Nazi wouldn't have seen the front lines. I'd be one of those sort of camp-nervous Nazi bureaucrats. You see them in the backgrounds of the films, working around the typewriters like, Oh, no! Are we sure this is the right idea? You know, these ones. That's this Nazi. Maybe at the end of the film, I burst into the control room like, Oh, Mein Führer! The America is coming! And that's my only line for the entire film, you know? That Nazi. I look like the only Nazi who got incredibly excited when he found out Hugo Boss was designing the uniforms. He said, Trousers are tight, but I like it, Klaas. I mean, obviously, Nazis. Worst blokes of all time. Shittest guys ever. They could undeniably put a fit together, though. Undeniably, Nazis had drip. For homophobes, it was very queer-eyed for a straight guy. They put those cute little outfits together. It's the leather gloves, the shiny boots, you know? Queer-eyed for a Nazi, I'd watch that, you know? Have you seen Nazis these days? What the **** has happened? It's like fat, cross-eyed Americans with like, God hates the guys on their t-shirt. Does he hate fashion as well, mate? Jesus Christ! Like, if you're the master race, dress to impress! Let's put the fashion back in fascism, please. It's not as fun anymore, man. None of the bad guys are dressing well anymore. All bad guys are dressing worse. It's genuinely a sign of cultural decay. Nazis dressing worse. Terrorists dressing awfully these days. It's been a terrible couple of years for terrorists. My mum's generation, they used to have the IRA, right? With their cute little khaki shackets, get them from Zara, you know? Balaclava. It was a look, right? When we were growing up with ISIS. ISIS, head to toe in black. Very slimming, and they knew that. Very Berlin, very Berghain. Queer Eye for a Jihad, I had watched that as well. Now what we got? The new terrorists. Incels. These are the new guys. You've seen these school shooters? It's a disgrace. Chubby white virgins. They're like, ironic t-shirts with non-ironic cum stains on them. You've seen these guys? Fedoras, Crocs, and socks. It's a disgrace. They don't even want something exciting anymore. ISIS, they want a death to the entirety of the West, right? That's exciting. They're dreamers, you know? Incels are just sad and horny. They just want to have sex with something that's not made of plastic. Like, it feels like we've gone downhill. Though I do like the idea of a Jihadi promised 72 virgins in the afterlife. Greeted by 72 incels. Like, it's great up here. They got World of Warcraft with all the expansion packs. No! Not these virgins! No! Poor Jihadi playing Dungeons and Dragons for eternity. I'm gonna be honest, if you didn't like the last two bits, I think you're gonna really hate this one. Bad guys are dressing wise. There's an exception to the rule though. Paedophiles are dressing a lot better. To be fair to paedophiles, it's been an unbelievable turnaround in the garms department. Because if I was a member of the, let's be honest, much maligned paedophile community, I'd be upset with how I'm represented in the media, you know. Because growing up as a young paedophile, I'd be upset with, you know, my role models. Because everyone I looked on TV would be this sort of like, sweaty, balding losers. Live in their mum's basement. They got no charisma. They got no mates. You know, you've seen them on paedophile hunter videos. It just wouldn't... It's the kind of guys Chris Hansen's catching. It just wouldn't hit the same. It eroded my self-confidence as a young paedophile. Trying to make his way in the world. But recently, it's all changed. R. Kelly, Jeffrey Epstein, Michael Jackson. They can sing. They can dance. They've got friends. It's changing. Like, when I was at school, if you had dodgy facial hair or a ---- jacket, you'd be like, mate, you look a paedo. Now you've got a tailored suit, bit of swagger. It's like, mate, you're looking like a paedophile. Like, it's a compliment now. I watched a documentary about paedophiles. Hosted by Stacey Dooley. Stacey Dooley is incredible. This is the first time I'd ever seen Stacey Dooley. I can't believe it. I've just discovered her. She goes to these amazing places and conversations with extraordinary people and adds nothing. It's quite amazing. She had this extraordinary interview with an open paedophile. All right, harrowing interview. This guy identified as a paedophile. He'd brought a child sex doll along. Horrendous. And then when he's leaving, after 10 minutes of talking about it, there's a shot of him walking down the hotel corridor with his child sex doll. And the voiceover from Stacey goes, I wouldn't leave that man alone with my daughter in a million years. Yeah. Oh, you mean the guy with the child sex doll? Yeah, I'd like to think so. Jesus Christ. Thanks, Stacey. Something that really grinds my gears. Why? Why when they're caught with child porn, why is it always so much child porn? Is anyone ever worried? It's never a couple of videos. It's always 15 terabytes. When do I get choice paralysis with Netflix? I mean, this is unbelievable. As my mother says, everything in moderation. I'm 27. That doesn't really mean much anymore. I guess the only thing that changes, I started getting sponsored ads for hair pills. But I found out that the main side effect of hair pills is a low sex drive. What sort of deal with the devil is this? What sort of Faustian bargain? Are you telling me the only way that women are going to still want to have sex with me, I'm going to no longer want to have sex with them? That's not fair. They're giving me two options. I'm either an asexual Jesus, right? With long, luscious hair. Above the desires of the flesh. Be away from me, whore. Or a horny, bald goblin man, furiously masturbating. I don't mind pegging. I don't have a safe word. I've started, instead of saying absolutely, I've started saying absolutely. Which doesn't sound like a big deal. I appreciate that. But it's very easy for the human ear to miss an absolutely for an absolutely. That's why I like to see how serious a situation can I switch out absolutely for absolutely. Like, mate, if you're like, mate, do you want a pint? And I was like, absolutely. Like, there's no stakes there. That's just a cheeky lad loving his life. My girlfriend was like, do you even see a future with us? Absolutely. Like, there's a level there. My dream is maybe I'll become like a newsreader or something. Position of power. The wildfires ravaged all night. Leaving the community absolutely devastated. I know absolutely is a bit of fun, a bit silly. Something that's less fun is that I can't stop saying the word legend, all right? It's becoming a real issue. And judging by some of the guys who look like me, I'm sure you suffer from the same affliction as me. Just any time anyone does anything, legend. Even if you're like, I drank two pints last night, legend. But all the way up to my dad died from alcohol abuse, legend. Like, it's getting me into... I spoke to a girl last night, legend. I have 15 terabytes of child porn, legend. It's getting me into bad situations. Because the word legend's been devalued in recent years. Like, it's a lot easier to be a legend now than it used to be. It used to be hard graft to be a legend. Think of Odysseus. They put that cunt through the ringer to be a legend. After 10 years at war, my boy wanted to come home to his wife. He was kept away by who? By the god of the sea himself, Poseidon. He was forced to sail the seven seas for another 10 years. Defeating monsters, harpies, gods, you name it. To return home to find 40 men trying to **** his wife. And the only thing that kept Odysseus going that whole time was the power of true love itself. And only then Homer, the author, was like, what a ******* legend, right? These days, you put a traffic cone on your head. You're a legend. And sing songs of your deeds. But you are a legend. No, I do feel, you know, James, I'm sure you can relate to this. I think there's a lot of pressure on young men these days. It's an interesting time to be a man, I feel. It's a lot of pressure on us to open up. You ever hear, it's okay not to be okay? You hear this? Everyone's trying to get us to open up. It's okay not to be okay. We hear this all the time, my young boys. It's hard to feel like it's not okay to be okay sometimes, you know? I'm making up disorders just to fit with my friends. It's exhausting. Every BBC documentary is an ex-footballer talking about how hard it is for men to talk about their feelings. I'm like, do you want a six-part documentary? It doesn't look that ******* hard. If anything, you're going on a bit. Every podcast is a celebrity opening up about their trauma. And it started off with cool stuff. You know, rock and roll, drugs, alcohol, that kind of stuff. But then every celebrity went on that Diary of a CEO podcast and just scraped the barrel with whatever they could find. I saw Richard Osman on there talking about his food addiction. It's like, lad, you like quavers. You're not Amy Winehouse. Do you know what I mean? The host pisses me off. It's like if you made a fuel bottle a therapist. It's ridiculous. Get a sob story out of Capri Sun. Do you feel drained? Yes. The moment I realised there's at least no longer a taboo about men's mental health is when I saw the beloved actor Terry Crews go on that same podcast to talk about his porn addiction. It's an extraordinary interview. It's an hour and a half long. Need them crack a smile once. Terry says, at its worst, he'd start watching porn at nine in the morning and wouldn't stop to 11 p.m. at night. All right. That's 14 hours of solid wanking. And that's when I thought, you know what? Maybe honesty isn't the best policy. Maybe this is between you and your therapist. Not the biggest podcast in the country. And what annoyed me is the way the host, Stephen Bartlett, upon hearing that grown man's wank for 14 hours, the questions he asked the whole time. Wow, that's incredible. Powerful. Asking how it affects his mental health, affects his relationships, about porn's effect on society as a whole. These aren't the questions you ask when a man tells you he's wanked for 14 hours. If I was the host, I'd be like, 14 hours? What the ****? That's grim, Terry. That's disgusting. I can't believe you said that. That's actually embarrassing. The questions I'd actually ask Terry, you know, what was your first video? More importantly, what was your last video? What video, after 14 hours of wanking, were you like, you know what? That's enough porn for today, actually. I've had my fill. What did lunch look like? Like, do you have it on in the background? Like, my mom has Radio 4 on. Like, what's going on? And obviously, men should talk more about their feelings. But it's such a funny male response. You know, men need to open up. And Terry's like, well, I've been wanking for 14 hours. Not that, Terry. You keep that ---- to yourself. But yeah, the older I get, I find, it's interesting because I find important life lessons from weirder and weirder places. Not from the places you expect, I guess. Like, I recently learned, and it's a bit cliche, but I recently learned how to enjoy the present more. About enjoying the journey and the ride. Because in comedy, it's very easy to always want that next thing. And it's easy to forget to enjoy now. Like, I'm very grateful you guys are all here tonight. And I'm trying to be more present. I learned this from the Taliban. Because my boys in Kabul are in a very interesting situation. Because there's a quiet melancholy to the Taliban these days. There is. Because they've achieved all of their dreams, right? They've taken back Afghanistan. The United States have left. Women aren't allowed to read. Right? They've got their big crew. But they're not as happy as they thought they'd be. There's a lot of these Taliban jihadi desert fighters been writing into Western publication. Saying, well, they missed their old life. Because now these guys have to run Afghanistan. They're doing boring nine-to-five jobs. And stuck in traffic on the way to work. Yogurt spills in their tote bag, for ****'s sake. Ahmet does a Zoom call that could have been an email, you know? Getting sent to HR for inappropriate jokes. Sitting all day at their desk, their back's killing them. They look out the window. And they reminisce. About the days in the desert. With the boys. You didn't realize it, but that was the good time. Joyriding jeeps, firing AKs. You didn't realize it. Now they return home to their wives. And she doesn't have any good stories anymore. She's legally not allowed to leave the house. She doesn't get any of your references. And it just doesn't feel as good as you thought it would. And Miley Cyrus touched on this. In her seminal classic, The Climb. You know, it's not about how fast you get there. It's not about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb. She wrote that about the Taliban. There's a song about the quiet melancholy of the Taliban. I learned another life lesson about being grateful. About being tall. I learned that from Tom Cruise. My favorite homosexual thespian. Because every time I watch a Tom Cruise film, someone brings up his height. As if they're better than Tom Cruise. As the little fella literally backflips off a skyscraper onto a fighter jet. He's doing everything for your validation. You're not giving it to him. Though admittedly, a bit of fun movie trivia for you guys. The reason he's so good at doing his own stunts is because his mass is actually so small that he can't reach terminal velocity. So he sort of floats like a piece of paper. But that's not the point. It's about respect. People say that Tom Cruise has a Napoleon complex. This idea that short, successful men are only successful because they're so insecure about their height. I mean, how ******* rude is that? To Napoleon. The little lad. Single-handedly conquered Europe. And everyone's like, oh, someone's overcompensating for something. It's like, give the man a break. He tried his best. He didn't start a podcast. He's torn the gates of Rome. I bet if a short guy found the cure for cancer, people were like, mate, we get it. You've got a small dick. Stop going on about it, honestly. People like to say that Putin has a Napoleon complex. It's like, there's a lot of stuff you can get Putin on. It feels weird to get his height. He's 5'7". That feels like when people say it's like the toxic height. Because if he was tall, they wouldn't bring it up. 5'7", toxic, insecure. Keep going, though. 3'11". What an inspiration. Isn't that interesting? It sort of goes full circle. It's quite interesting. I don't agree with his policies, but it's amazing he's achieved so much. He's a disabled icon. I learned another important life lesson about what you can achieve with focus and determination. I learned that from JK Rowling. Because I have a lot of respect for JK. I respect the tenacity and drive that woman has in destroying her legacy. Like, it's amazing to watch. Like, she wrote Harry Potter. That's the biggest book series ever. She's a billionaire. She lives in a castle. She has nothing in this life to prove to anyone. And now, she just spends her days on Twitter. Causing havoc. Destroying dreams. And just doing it for the love of the game. It's amazing to watch. Carefully building this world for misfits to escape to. Gets them all in there. It's now like, ugh, look at these freaks! Awesome. She's a legend, man. Don't anyone let you tell you're different. She's a ******* legend. She's had so many different periods online. She had this weird period where she'd try and, like, win niche political arguments. But using her own characters. She'd say things like, well, Dumbledore would have never voted for Corbyn. You can't do that. That's a wizard you made up. You can't win arguments with wizards you've made up in your own head. That's why I like to read through all her mad tweets and sort of imagine that Harry Potter was never written. She just sounds like a mad woman at a bus stop, like, Severus Snape likes Nick Clegg. What are you talking about? I think my favourite JK period was her woke era. Remember her woke era? She'd, like, retroactively make Harry Potter a lot woker than it actually was. She'd say things like, well, Dumbledore's actually gay. Yeah, he was gay the whole time. I'm not going to mention it in the books because that'd be disgusting. Yeah, Ron. Yeah, Ron's a sex worker. Thank you very much. Respect his rights. Hagrid to pedophiles. I mean, probably. That's probably true. Should have left those kids unattended with Hagrid. I've never seen an artist retroactively make their work woke. I think more artists should do that. It'd be great if Francis Ford Coppola came out. Oh, you think the Godfather's problematic? Well, I think the Corleones were going through a lot, seeing as they're all trans. They come to me on the day of my daughter's surgery. Like, I think there's some... You can call me Godparent. Look how they butchered my then. The final life lesson I learned recently was the power of laughing in the face of your life falling apart. I learned that a couple of years ago when I did jury service. I wanted to take this quite seriously because this is someone's life at stake. It was a big court. It was a proper trial. But the trial and the case was this 80-year-old Polish guy who looked like the granddad from the Domeo advert. The sweet, cuddly guy. He was being accused of, for 15 days in a row, out of a second story window on Eastbourne High Street. This little man had been standing out of his open window waving at people going past whilst furiously masturbating. By the way, the legal term for masturbating is masturbating his penis back and forth. As opposed to side to side or round and round, obviously. But what was fascinating about this whole case and what I really respected about this little folk was this wasn't settled out of court, right? There was eight separate witnesses. There was video. There was photos, right? But he'd come there to win, right? He pled not guilty. That's what I respected about him. He didn't speak a word of English, didn't move a muscle the whole time. He was being translated to the whole time. And the defence, it wasn't the best defence in the world, admittedly. His defence was he wasn't masturbating his penis back and forth. It was a terrible coincidence. He's actually a sufferer of rheumatoid arthritis and was applying ointment to his swollen joints and had no idea anyone could see. When asked why he decided to do it out of an open window on a busy high street, he said because the light in his bathroom is not very good, all right? It wasn't the most watertight defence. There's one amazing moment where one of the witnesses genuinely couldn't get over the size of his penis, right? The judge had to move her along. She was this little Scottish lady. He's like, it's such a wee man, but such a big man. All right, we understand, ma'am. But everything's being translated to this fellow with like a slight delay. So I was always interested to see how he'd react. When he said that, I quickly looked at him. He's been completely still for the whole time. It's translated into his ear and he just goes... Deep, hearty laugh echoes round the chamber. Behind him, three generations of his family, all in tears. But it came down to the verdict, right? And you have a lot of power of a juror, because one not guilty, the whole thing's a hung jury, right? So we're all talking about it. Everyone's like, obviously guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty. And it came to me and I paused. Because this man is a legend. And I thought, there's a bravery to what this man did. In many ways, he represents all of us. And if I had a dick that big, maybe I'd be doing the same. So I got on my high horse. It was like a film. And I said, are we sure? This man is guilty. We're putting away an innocent man. One of the jurors was like, what the ****? What do you... You genuinely think this man's innocent? I looked him dead in the eyes and I said, I'm so through later. I'm crazy, thank you so much. Thank you so, so much. It's an absolute pleasure. Good night.