An Adoption Story_ Anya’s Journey Searching Through Those Birth Family Links

Mother of three, Anya Gibson, lives in the far south of New Zealand. She was born in Saint Petersburg, Russia and was adopted at the age of four by her New Zealand family. With the parents adopting not only her, but also three others from Russia, she has always held a strong connection to her birth culture. This is her story. She's available for adoption because she's an orphan. I do remember being in the orphanage quite vividly. Smells, tastes, some visual things. You remember the environments very clear. Yeah, very clearly. Anya was placed into a regional orphanage inside of Saint Petersburg. Prior to the orphanage, she was living with her grandmother. Her grandmother, however, decided she wasn't the right person to take care of her. Anya's parents came over originally to adopt Anya and her adoptive brother Matthew. But due to a complication, Anya had to wait until her mum came back. So your mum and dad went over to Russia first. How did the adoption process take place? So they came over with the understanding that they were going to adopt me and my brother Matthew. But what happened was that the governor that was in charge of my adoption went on holiday and wasn't signing any more papers. So they got told that the adoption wasn't going to go through until the governor was back. So mum and dad then had to, they adopted my brother Matthew and then they went back to New Zealand and had to wait until the governor was back from holiday. So then when that happened, my mum came over by herself to finalise the adoption and bring me home. So she came back here, waited until she was told she can go back. Yeah. And then she went over to pick you up. Yeah. This wasn't the last time that Anya's mum was going back to adopt another child into their family. Later on, Anya's mum and dad went back to Russia to adopt another two children. Well, your family also didn't adopt just you, but your siblings too, which they all came from different areas of Russia. Yes, so none of us are related. So there's four of you all together. You've got a sister, two brothers and yourself, all from different areas of Russia. Yes, correct. Then we're going to the supermarket. Looking forward to it? Yep. It was a good childhood. Mum and dad were very spontaneous and we did lots of camping and day trips and stuff. So it was quite an adventurous upbringing, I guess. Did it feel like a normal upbringing to you? Yes. Even with having all your siblings with you? Yep. All of you had that Russian background in yourselves too, but did it feel like a pretty ordinary childhood? Yes. Yep. Very much so. Yep. With Anya having two brothers and one sister who were also adopted from Russia, the importance of knowing where you come from meant a lot for her family. When you were growing up with your family and with your brothers and sister, did you always talk much about where you came from as children? Mum and dad have always been very open with us about our adoptions and where we came from and our heritage, I guess. So we've always known about it and it's always been a very open conversation. But they were also very protective of our individual stories. So my story was my story and they weren't going around telling everybody my story and the same with my siblings. If we chose to share our story, then that was our choice. They were very good about it. Absolutely. It's so important because it's your story and where you've come from. You're the right person to tell it because you can say everything in your way and people can understand that. Of course, parents would be wanting to see your story and be open to sharing the story. But of course, there's other pieces of it where you may not want someone to share it, like your family. That's completely understandable and they respect that. I respect your parents for that. They're happy to share their side of the story. They'll share and I'm happy with them to share that part. So they are quite private with each other's stories. From my understanding, your parents have always supported you with trying to reconnect with the family. I know your mum, she always collected so much information and little pieces to help you out for when you grow up. What did you know of your birth family during your childhood? We knew that I had a mum and I had some siblings and a dad. Well, we thought I had a dad. But really, that was all the information we really had until I went back when I was 10. When Anja's parents adopted her two other siblings, Kaja and Aaron, Anja and her brother Matthew were excited to know that they were going with them. Anja was nervous about what was ahead as she knew she would be revisiting the old home where she was prior to her adoption. Where are we going? To Russia and today's the day! Yay! It's taken a while, hasn't it? But it's really great. Yeah, it is really great. At one o'clock, Alex is coming to pick us up and he's going to take us to Anja's grandmother's house. I'm a little bit excited and a little bit nervous. What was that like going back when you were 10? It was scary. And it was scary because we went over to adopt another brother and sister. And the scary part was that I had been told that when I was going over there, I'd get the opportunity to meet my family. So, of course, as a 10-year-old, you've never met this family and you kind of know a little bit of history, but not much. But it's absolutely terrifying. She says she's going to be 70 in May next year. With my parents being there, they can understand things that a 10-year-old can't. And so sometimes it's better that way because as a 10-year-old, you mishear things or things, whereas mum and dad were there to sort of, I guess, be the backup. They were supporting you though. They were there to help you out and they would have explained things if things were difficult. Because as a 10-year-old, you would have been so excited. You'd be like, yeah, I want to get on. I want to go. And around this time, of course, your parents went over also to adopt your brother and your sister. And so you went over with Matthew, who was adopted around the same time as you. As a 10-year-old, you must have been so excited to go back, visit your family, your birth family, and see what all that was like. What was the build-up like prior to going over? It was intimidating and scary because when we went over, it was the first day that we landed in St. Petersburg or in Russia, basically. We had one night in Russia and then I knew I was going to meet my family. So that first night was horrific. Like, I was so crook. I felt really sick, just because of nerves and anxiety over it. And in some ways, it was probably a good thing it was on the first day because imagine if I'd been over there for two weeks and had that anxiety building that whole time. Do you know what's so good is your parents have really brought you up with that regard of just saying, hey, this is where you come from. This is so important to you and this is important for our family. And so as children, you have a connection with that and you haven't even revisited it at that point. You were so excited, also nervous. But I think that plays a big part of your childhood as 10-year-olds. As a young child, if you knew nothing about this country, you would have been like, okay, I guess we can go. But you know that this is where you come from and you were raised knowing that. So do you think that plays a big part of who you are? Yeah. Ever since Anya could remember, her family would always be open about where she came from. Her parents only knew as much as she did. Her mum had always kept an address of where Anya was prior to her going into the orphanage. This helped her with finding out more answers when she revisited St. Petersburg when she was 10. They have little, but they're willing to offer anything they have to you. A table full of food? Yep. Table full of food. Yeah. Chocolates. There we go. Yeah, they love sugar. They love sugar. A lot of tea. Yes, lots of tea. Lots of tea. Lots of tea with sugar. Yeah, lots of teas with so much sugar. Now, at that time as a 10-year-old, did you get everything answered? I felt like it at the time. I was a little bit disappointed that I didn't get to meet my sister. Yeah. But I met my brother and he was lovely. He looked really scary and intimidating. Big tall guy. Yep. Looks like he's been in a few bar fights. Yeah, he was really lovely to meet. All I can say, and I remember saying this when I came back to New Zealand, was I'm really glad that he's my brother. Because if I met him in a dark alley, he would scare me. He would protect you though. Yeah, he would because he's my brother. Stand back, you know, get away from her. Don't talk to her. Very serious Russian. Yes. And your grandma, what was she like? She was very lovely, very warm. If you could picture somebody as being a grandmother, she would be it. She'd be the one. Yep. Babushka. The real Babushka. Cuddly, wants to hug you, just wants to envelop you in love. Absolutely. So after you left St Petersburg, where did you guys go? So we went to Biscoff and that's where my brother Aaron and my sister Katia were. And that was where we were going to adopt them. And then after that went back to New Zealand and life continues there? Yes, life continues. The family got back to New Zealand with two new additions, a new adopted brother and sister. Also during that trip, Anya got the chance to visit her grandmother and brother. However, not everything seemed to make sense with their birth family links. As for Anya, there were still many questions unanswered. So there was a few discrepancies in sort of the translation or something when we went over when I was 10 and we weren't sure why. We weren't sure if it was because grandma was feeling a little bit guilty about having to give me up into an orphanage. It had to do with a translation issue or whether it was what it was. But there were a few things in the stories that she was saying that weren't quite adding up. So we knew there was discrepancies, but we didn't really know how to go about finding out what actually what the deal was. So when you went over at the age of 10, your mum was writing a lot of notes, is that right? Yes, correct. So you always believed as a child that this grandma and their brother and sister was always related to you by blood? Yes, full blood, yep. But that was not always the case, was it? No. This isn't the first time I'd meet Anja right here in Invercargill. I first met her when we were children back in the early 1990s as I also have family down here in this part of the country. The second time I saw Anja was just a few years ago. She reached out to me asking for help with finding out exactly how she's connected with her grandmother as this was something that Anja needed to know. And in 2021, I went with Anja to Russia for my project helping adoptees find their birth families. Here, we went to where she was all those years ago when she was 10, but what she found out and who she met was not exactly what she expected. So recently we just found out things weren't that way. Yes, that's right. It was very hard, wasn't it? Yeah. Trying to understand everything. Yeah, it was a bit of a mind boggle, yeah. But with that being said, you did find out a lot. Yes, yes, yeah. And it did connect some dots that were obviously missing. So I remember when you went over with me and we went to go and go back to this address and there was no grandmother there at the time. We had found out that she'd passed away, but there was still somebody linked in the family that did meet you and that was... That was my cousin, Alexei. And how is he related to you? So he's actually a step-cousin. Step-cousin. So the person that I thought was my father actually turned out to be my stepfather. Yes. My siblings that I thought were full-blood siblings turned out to be half-blood siblings. And so my cousin comes from my stepfather's sister's son. There's a big family tree mixed there. Yeah, yeah. Were you happy as an adoptee to understand this now? Yes, yes. And then even though you still don't have that full closure or the chapter isn't completely closed yet, you got to learn so much more about your family at that point. Yes, yeah. And that's important because of your own children. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really important for the children to know where they come from. And they're really excited to know where they come from. With Anya now having three children of her own, the importance with her blood culture and roots is even more special within her family. Anya knows that understanding where you come from is a huge part of not just her life, but also her children's. What do you tell your children about your birth family? So I just tell them that I was from Russia and I had a mum and dad over there and now I don't. And yeah, and we did a DNA test and it's really interesting. All the links. All the links, seeing all them come up. I think it's important for family and future generations. You know, as a mother, you've got three children. They'll probably be asking you all the time, What do they know about your birth country? What do they know about Russia? They know it's like one of the biggest in the world, which is really important to them. You know, I come from the biggest country in the world. Do you talk about it a lot? Yeah, yeah. It's not hidden or secret or anything. I'm quite open about it and they're quite open about it. They stop strangers in the street and tell them that they're half Russian. They say that on the street, yeah? Yes, yes, in the supermarket. Do they just walk up to the strangers or do the strangers come up to them? They'll be in the supermarket and they'll just go, Hi, I'm half Russian. Oh, there we go. Random strangers. Do you think it's important as a Russian adoptee for us and our identity to know where we come from? Yes, yeah. For the future generations, you don't want history to repeat itself. Like, you know, mistakes are made. You want to evolve and move on and you can't do that unless you know where you come from. Yeah, but for those that may search and not find anything. It can be hard, of course. Yes, yeah. So the search will always continue for them. But also, what about just learning about your culture? Yeah. As a sense of closing a chapter or opening a chapter. That's a way that can help you cope with that. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Do you believe that's a big part of all of us? Huge. Yeah. Absolutely huge. I know with yourself, you connected the dots but still hadn't found everything you were looking for. You're still trying to look for your brother and sister. Yes. In 2021, when Anya went back to Russia, she found out that her half-brother had gone missing. Along with this, the mystery still surrounds whatever happened to her half-sister and birth father. For Anya, she still holds a hope of finding out what happened all those years ago. So when you left Russia last year, you met up with a cousin, you learned about your grandma, but you still hadn't found your brother and sister yet. But also, you still don't know anything about your birth father. No. So what's the next step with that? You'd like to keep looking or keep searching for him? Yes, I would actually really like to see if I could find him. I don't know if it's possible but that's quite important to me. I didn't know that I had believed my whole life that my stepfather was my father and that he had died. Yeah. So the fact that I have a father that possibly isn't dead is quite... He could be out there. Yeah. And also, a lot of information that you do get on paper, especially in Eastern European countries, not all of it is accurate. And it's a shame. I had the same problem with my documents. Names were wrong and my birth mother... I had to depend on my birth mother to tell me, which was perfectly fine. And I understand the shoes they're in as well. It can be hard in the difficult circumstances or situations. At the end of the day though, we just want to know who these people are. We don't want anything from them. We just want to simply connect for our family's sake and for our own sake. And I know that's a big part of you. You just want to connect with your birth father. You just want to literally say, hello, how's life been? I want to tell you about my family. And especially for your children. Especially, I have children. And if I had a brother and sister out there that had children, I'd love to meet my nieces and nephews. And I would have loved to have a connection between them and my children. It's a big part. It's so important for your children. Yeah. It was the children... Having children is what pushed me to actually do something about finding my family rather than just for myself. It was them that pushed me to do it. But they didn't force you to do it. No, no, no, no. You, yeah. But I wanted that for my children. Yeah. And that's such a big... That's so important. And I think that your children didn't push you to do it, but they gave you the support. Yes, they gave me the motivation. They gave you the motivation. Yeah. And you have no regrets of that, of course. Of course you don't. But now you are so happy with what you found, but yet there's still those missing pieces still there. Yeah. The story may be complicated and will take time, but with making those small steps, with learning more about where we come from, is important not just for Anya, but also for her own children. As they grow up, there'll be many more questions asked and many more that are still needing answers. Like most of us adoptees, the paths we take are never ending. There may be detours and dead ends, but another new path will always follow. So after finding out more information the second time about your birth family, what's next? I want to head back over to Russia at some stage and work on those connections that I've already got. And hopefully the connections that I've already got will lead to something that I don't have. Yeah. And that might be able to help me find the next person that I'm looking for. So the journey always continues. And I know that for yourself, there's going to be so many more pieces to put together. Yes. And what happens if you, I mean, reality is, what happens if you don't find anything? Well, there's not much I can do about that. It's not in my hands. You would have tried everything you can. Yes. And that's what matters, isn't it? Absolutely. To know that I've tried everything and for my children to know that I've tried everything that I can. And you don't see the timeline on that path. You just take every step that you can until you manage to find something. If you have some setbacks, I think it's always about building that strength of the journey further and more. And then later on in life, you'll be like, hey, I've found this amount of information, but I don't think all of us are going to be 100% satisfied. Oh, no. It's always going to take forever. No. And dealing with, like you said, the paperwork in those Eastern European countries is very, very tricky because the information is not always correct. It's not always accurate. And it throws spanners in the works. It takes time. It takes patience. And things aren't done instantly. We run on Russian time. They're in control. It's hard, I guess, with connecting information because not everything is accurate, as we said before. And I'm not putting any negative side to this at all. It's just with my birth mother as well. She gave me information that was wrong. But I also understand with the birth family side, a lot of it is about protecting themselves and protecting the children for a better life. Completely understand that. But when we're trying to reconnect with birth family, that's all we want to do. It's just reconnect and know who they are. I also think that the birth families hold a lot of guilt. Yeah. And they shouldn't hold guilt. The circumstances are understandable. And I think that we are a lot more forgiving of them than they are of themselves. I think that the birth families involved can be very hard on themselves. Yeah. And they are cautious of us and want to know what we want from them, which we don't want anything from them. We just want the connection. We just want to know who they are. And I know that they are afraid and they have a lot of regret as well when it comes to you tracking down a birth family. A lot of them just get quite upset and it takes a while for them to understand the situation. I always say to myself all the time, I just want to focus on the present. Don't worry about the past. It's happened 20 plus years ago. Let's focus on the now because we can build that connection up and we should grow that connection as a family. That's how I look at things now. Of course, when it comes to any mother giving up a child, it is very hard for them to understand the circumstance or understand the situation for themselves because they'd always look back and say, I regret doing this. I'm hurt from it still. Completely understandable. And they're scared that they hurt us beyond repair and that's the problem. But you say to yourself and just like me, let's focus on the now. I just want to get to know you and that's important. Anya has been in Invercargill ever since she first got here after being adopted into her family. Her life, work and family has always stayed in this part of New Zealand, right in the beautiful southern landscapes of the country. Invercargill for Anya will always be home. What's life like for you down here in Invercargill? So I've got three young children obviously and so my life sort of revolves around that and work at the moment. Pretty cruisy? Yeah, pretty cruisy. It's a nice place though. It's a nice place. And you want to go back and visit your family overseas? Yeah, so I'm still in contact with my cousin when I can be and I feel like we are building a connection. You would like to take your children over with you, Yes, I'd love that. Or the other thing me and my cousin have been talking about is getting him to come over here. That would be pretty incredible. I know he's a big photographer. Yes, yes, he loves photography and his wife too is also a big photographer. This is a goldmine for photography. Absolutely. If you're watching this, come to New Zealand please. So what's life like for you now since coming back from Russia? Well, I'm still in contact with my cousin and his wife and I am building, slowly, a connection with them. So that's really nice. That's important. Yeah, I'm hoping that we can continue that and, like I said, visit or them come over here. And practice your... My Russian? I'm looking very sheepish because you know that I'm not very good at it. Practice will make perfect. Yes, yes. And I think your cousin... Learning the alphabet. I think your cousin will be very proud of you. You can tour him around here, be the translator and I'll come and pop on down as well. Yes, that would be good. Bit of a tour around in Chicago and I'll show him a few parks. We'll have to take him to Queenstown too. Take him to Queenstown. Alexa, if you're watching, we'll take you to Queenstown, all right? Take you to Queenstown. So with your connections and you'd like your cousin to come here and connect them the dots, you'd like to go back. What advice do you have for other adoptees who may want to do a search but also for other adoptees who do a search but can't find anything? I would say be patient. That's my biggest advice. Be patient because things won't happen straight away. It's not instant. It can take years. Laws change in New Zealand and in Russia which can open up doors or close different avenues. So that's all I can say is be patient. Also be patient with the people because they panic. When you contact them, they panic and they go, why is this person contacting me? And they feel that guilt again that I was talking about. So be patient with the people and be patient with the process. It may not happen straight away but that's not to say it won't happen at all. So you're right, when you contact somebody, it's just like take a step back a little bit and just think about how you're going to word it because you don't want to scare anybody. You were very excited, of course. You're overwhelmed and you really just want to connect with this person. But of course, I always say just take small moments and figure out how you're going to word it. Everything is fine on both sides. You want to let them understand. I always say let them understand as soon as possible. I just want to connect with you. I just would love to get to know you. I don't want anything else from you. I just want to know who you are. I want to learn. One moment at a time. So thank you so much Anya for catching up with me. And it's been really good to hear how your journey is going since you last went over to Russia. And I hope that you can go back, take your children over. I hope in due time you can go back safely and with everything going on. I pray that everything gets resolved and the world gets better. But I hope that you can go back and revisit. Absolutely, I would love that. Maybe I'll come back with you. Oh, that would be great. You can translate for us. Don't put me on the hot seat like that. Thank you, Anya. That's all right. Thanks, Alex. From the very beginning for Anya, there were always questions to be answered. The support from her family, gathering as much as they could throughout Anya's childhood, has been important. Though they may have a lot of information, their connections were still unclear. From the address of where her grandmother lived to meeting a cousin years later, Anya is now focusing on the future with those connections she's made. The whereabouts of what happened to her birth parents, half-brother and sister, are still a mystery. Family means a lot for Anya. The journey will take its own time. But taking each step slowly on the journey is important. So I'm pretty sure I came down here with my mum and my brother and to meet you and your brother Matthew right down here, right over there somewhere, I think. So there's a playground over there and we've actually got photos over there. Yes, we do. And it's quite embarrassing. It's quite funny and a bit corny. But, you know, it makes it a very small world. And now here we are again. So this is the spot where we were all those years ago. Can you believe it? Back here again. I used to love sitting on these lines. Do you still sit on the lines? No, I can't get up anymore. I'm going to... No, I'm kidding. I'm not going to reenact that. No more reenactments. Makes it a small world when things have changed here, obviously, over time. But yeah, this was big. Now my children sit on the line. OK, well, that makes sense. You need to get a photo of them and then 20 years later, get the same one. All right, so here's... This is where I was sitting. I was sitting like this. I think obviously I was just standing here. I was just looking. I was just looking ahead and you were standing right here, looking at the camera. So camera goes this side, goes over here. Yeah, right there. And I'm like, I can't even do this. I can't even... I'm like this. You're too big to do it now. I'm like... And you're looking at the camera. Yeah. And you're looking... Look, see, look, go, go. You are like shocked. So... So thank you so much, Anya, for catching up with me. And I know that your journey is only going to continue. And I hope that you can go back over to Russia and also go back with your children. Yes, I'd love that. You'll have to come too, Alex. Come be my translator. I will. Sounds like a plan. Yeah. Thank you. You're all good. It was... Sorry. I know those people. Do you? I just heard their name. My name.