6 Red Flags of Anxious Attachment | Dating Advice for Women by Mat Boggs

My wife almost sabotaged our marriage because of an anxious attachment trigger early in our relationship. If you're dating somebody and you're noticing what might be red flags, but you're not sure, like this guy is showing up with a little bit of anxious attachment here and there, what can you do to see if this is someone that you should let go or someone that you can actually navigate through those red flags and actually create an amazing relationship with? Today, I'm going to show you how to spot these red flags and how to respond so that you are crystal clear of whether or not this is someone that you have a possibility of creating something really special with. You may notice some of these behaviors that your first date ends and then your phone lights up and you've got like eight texts in 10 minutes from this guy. Or he says early on, before you're really ready, he says, I think I'm falling for you. And it's earlier in the process. Or if you don't reply for a little while and you get a few triple texts coming your way or him saying, am I mad? Did I do something wrong? He's asking for reassurance through his texts. These are all things that can come across as red flags and they just might be, but how do you know whether or not someone's just having a bumpy moment or someone's actually coming from an unhealthy place? Because that's the challenge. In relationships, someone can be love bombing you and they could be from this place of real insecurity where they're not ready for a deep, meaningful, healthy relationship. Or it might be that they're having a bad moment because none of us are perfect in relationships. And there are times when we get really nervous or times when we give into the fear, or there might be an old trigger that comes up that's not going to dominate our life. But how do you know what these are? And then how do you actually use a technique where you can cut right through the fog and know what it is that you're dealing with? As we dive into this, let's take a look at two truths. Number one is that some red flags are absolute deal breakers. These are like giant exit here signs. If you see controlling behavior, intimidation, threats, coercion, stalking, repeated boundary violations, or anything that makes you feel unsafe, take that exit and do not proceed in this relationship. You want to get yourself out of there because your safety comes first. And the second is that people have not so great moments at times. Early dating is awkward. It's okay if we send a wobbly text or maybe we overshare at times. Those aren't necessarily red flags. So what we're doing is we're actually looking for a pattern over time of these behaviors. And we're looking for this individual's capacity to adjust. So it's the pattern over time and their capacity to adjust that lets you know whether or not it's something you want to ditch and leave or something that can actually be overcome. So I like to think about it like a traffic light, like the red light. Those are the deal breakers for sure. Get yourself out of there. The yellow lights, these are possibly workable, right? It might be an anxious wobble, but they're open to feedback and they're open to adjusting themselves. And they've got the capacity to meet you where you are. And green lights, of course, are great qualities, great pacing, great connection, and it all feels really good. So know this, your job is not to fix him. Your job is not to date potential, but sometimes we will avoid conversations that actually have the ability to self-correct the connection and the relationship. So our job in the relationship is simply to discern, is this red, yellow, green, and then decide, yeah, I'm going to have this relationship or whatever action that you're going to take. So I'm going to share with you now six red flags or what might be red flags. These are anxious attachment behaviors that you see in relationships. One sign alone is not a guaranteed red flag. We're looking for a pattern over time. So the first red flag, this person's got anxious attachment is the rapid escalation. It's like date one or day two, and this person's already future pacing saying, hey, six months from now, there's this great concert coming to town, like we should go. And then I'm like buying tickets or him saying, hey, we should do a vacation together, like doing things more intense than you would normally do on dates three and four, or let's do the weekend together, things like that. Or saying things like, wow, I'm feeling like we could be soulmates. Like I'm feeling so connected with you, that kind of love bombing behavior. The reason why it matters is because for the person who has anxious attachment, intensity can be a substitute for intimacy, right? Because they're wanting to latch on. They're wanting to not let this go. And so they will kind of bridge the gap, if you will. They will carry the load with their intense feelings, hoping that anchors the relationship. And really this is just anxiety trying to lock in safety before you have real intimacy. The second anxious attachment flag that you're looking for is what's called the reassurance on loop. So this is multiple check-ins and asking, hey, are we okay? Or did I do something to upset you? Are you mad? When you don't feel like you've given any of those signals. So this person is running a story in their mind and the anxious attachment fear is actually driving them, which is causing them to have these check-ins, right? And it might be, again, could be a red flag or it could be a yellow flag in that they really like you and they're just needing a bit more reassurance before they can really lock into that more secure attachment. Number three is a variation of this and it's hypervigilance on timing or tone. So they're really reading into your pauses and your punctuations or your quiet mood. And you just might be thinking about work. You just might be thinking about a project. Like you might be preoccupied during one of the dates about something that's going on and they personalize it. They really take it that they're doing something wrong and it generates anxiety in them. Fourth pattern that you're looking for that's a bit anxious attachment is protest behaviors when you need space. In other words, what the anxious attachment doesn't want to do is have the other person pull away because that triggers their anxious attachment, that fear that love isn't safe. Love is going to leave me, abandon me. And so if you are needing space or you want to go on a girlfriend's trip or you go on a work trip or you just want time for yourself and they send guilt laced texts to you or they pick a fight in order to create that reconnection or those kinds of patterns, that's anxious attachment showing up in that moment. The fifth is jealousy or control post. Like maybe you got with your friends a lot or maybe you've got a job where you're around a lot of other successful men. A client of mine works with a lot of successful men. And so there was this work event. She got all dressed up and what she chose to wear. And the guy she was dating was giving her some guilt trip comments about her getting all dressed up and why was she being so sexy and does she need that? And so why was she wearing so much makeup? All of those kinds of things. And so she got real defensive. And at the end of the day, this guy ultimately generally has a healthy secure attachment style. But in this particular moment, he got wobbly. In this particular moment, he was having an extra need for reassurance and affirmation that she was really choosing him. So we'll talk about what you can do in just a moment, but let's look at a couple other patterns that might be showing a yellow or red flag of insecurity. Number six is boundary blurring, where you're fast oversharing or over asking. If this guy is on the first date, trauma dumping on date one, like this intense sharing of his past and what's happened and so on and so forth, or over asking about your past, really getting into intimate details, then you can slow your roll on that. And you can say something like, thank you for asking, but I'm actually more comfortable sharing on these topics after we've been on a few more dates. So you want to really pay attention to, is he asking too much, too quick? In other words, do you feel uncomfortable with this pace? So as we look at all of those patterns, those are signals of anxious attachment. But again, we're wanting to see multiple of them and we're wanting to see patterns of them to see whether or not this guy just has a lot of enthusiasm and is nervous, or it's really coming from an anxious trigger inside of himself. Let's take a look at a playbook that you can use to respond when you're noticing these anxious yellow flags. You're not quite sure yet whether or not it's a red flag, but you don't want to ignore it. You want to bring it up. And so here's what you can do. And I've broken this down into the word secure, S-E-C-U-R-E. So the S stands for slow the pace. And you can say something like this, like if he's like really cranking up the pace and future pacing and wanting to make plans and that kind of a thing, you can say, Hey, I'm really enjoying our time together. I'm enjoying this. And I move at the speed of consistency and slower timing. So let's plan a date this week and then just kind of leave the rest open and see if the connection warrants more dates, something like that, as you're taking more control over the pace. So S is slow the pace. E is empathize the feeling without fixing. So it's kind of like you see the presenting behavior and then you look underneath that and say, what's the feeling that he's really describing right now? So my client who works with successful men got all dressed up instead of her getting defensive and then getting into an argument. She could say, Hey, it makes sense that you might be feeling insecure with all these successful guys. And right now, is that something that you're sensing in you is kind of a, the need for more reassurance. What a beautiful question, because what you're looking for is whether or not he can tune in and actually adjust and respond in real time with you and meet you where you are. And then I'll say, yeah, I can actually come feeling like this need of reassurance. And then she can respond to him and say, Hey, I'm with you because I'm super into you because I love our connection. I'm really enjoying getting to know you have nothing to worry about, about these guys that can just help him take a deep breath. The C insecure stands for clarify your standard. In other words, you're not trying to make a rule to control him, but you've got a standard for what you are and are not willing to accept and engage in, in a relationship. So a standard might be like, if he's texting you way too much, you can say, Hey, I do daily or every other day check-ins, but these multiple day check-ins, multiple day calls are feeling a lot for me. So I really respond to the guy who's got a bit of a slower pace. Would you do that for me? Great. Love that. The U insecure stands for use a clear request. What that means is you name the behavior and then ask for what it is that you would want in a clear way. So let's say that he's sending you more texts than you want throughout the day or calling you more than you want. And you can say, Hey, I'm noticing, you know, you're texting multiple times and calling a couple of times a day. What I would love at this stage in our relationship is if we talk to each other once a day or tech once a day, if you send me a text and I don't respond, know this, I'm going to respond when I'm free. Would that work for you? And you make the request and then you ground it with his agreement. And then that will help create a new cadence for the two of you. And the R stands for reinforce with a boundary. And a boundary again, is not control over him. It's not something you're trying to get him to do, but it's something you will or will not tolerate. This is a firm boundary. So let's say he's giving you a hard time for going out with your friends or going out with other guys, not spending time with him. So you can say something like this, Hey, I really have a high value on autonomy and independence in relationships as well as connection. And so I want to honor your autonomy and support you in hanging out with your friends. And I'm going to ask for the same thing from you. And if that feels hard for you, not something that you can give, I totally understand. Maybe this just isn't a good fit. So it's really a clear boundary of this is required in order to be with me. And the E, and I love this, it stands for evaluate capacity, not chemistry. In other words, does he respond to you in a healthy way or does it get defensive and counter-criticize or gaslight you or try to make you wrong, right? Does he make this new agreement and then does his rhythm match yours? Do you guys have great pacing forward in the relationship? Can he repair after a wobble? If yes, then great. There's a green flag and the two of you are on a better track. If no, then you've got your data. This is red flag. Let the relationship go. So let's give you some text messages right now that you can use in these different moments. So for example, rapid escalation, right? Like he's wanting to plan too much, too fast. You can say something like you're really easy to like, and I'm a build over time kind of woman. So let's just enjoy the next date and then see how we feel. Love that. Or the reinsurance loop, like he's needing way more reinsurance or something wrong, that kind of thing. You can say, hey, I'm offline for a few hours. Let's check in tonight if that works. Talk then. You make it time to talk. Or what can you say for the jealousy poke when he doesn't want you to go out with friends or family or that kind of a thing? You can say something like I keep friendships and romance separate and really respectful. If jealousy comes up, let's talk it through. Or you can even draw a harder boundary. Like if that's not okay with you, maybe this isn't a good fit. Let's say he's giving you a bit of a harder time for wanting more space. You can say something like I'm hearing you want more contact with me and my capacity right now is X. If that fits, awesome. If not, no hard feelings. Letting him know that's your boundary. A great example of this is my client, Lauren, who is dating this guy. He seemed great. They had a lot in common, a lot of common connection, great chemistry, but he was coming on really strong. And she couldn't tell, is this from an unhealthy place like anxious attachment or something like that? Or is he just really excited? And so she used this secure method where she sent him the slow text saying, hey, I'm really enjoying our time. And I really build connections slower over time. So that would mean a lot to me if that could work for you as well. And he was like, oh, sure. And so he adjusted his pace. And as they began dating, weeks turned into months. They had a beautiful rhythm together. And then after a while, when they both ultimately told each other, I love you, and now they're in this committed relationship, it just turned out that he knew he loved her like within the first couple of days, like he was just fully into her. And he was so excited about it. He was kind of dysregulated around finally meeting his person. And so now she feels like he's her person as well. But having this conversation was key in terms of not blowing up what would be a great thing. And again, here's the key. If you're noticing a lot of these behaviors, noticing the combination, and it's a pattern, then that is a red flag and something where you absolutely want to walk. So as you look for those patterns and you respond with the secure communication method, you will have the clarity that you want. My question for you is what kind of red flags have you seen when you're dating somebody where you're like, yeah, this is full-on anxious attachment and not going to be a great relationship? Post those red flags in the comment section below. I'm sure everyone's going to have massive value from checking that out. And here is to you creating a deeper, richer, amazing relationship than you even imagine. Feel a big hug from me to you. Sending you lots of love. Thanks for watching. I'll see you soon.