Russell Peters - Comedy Now

Uncensored, starring Russell Peters. Please welcome, Russell Peters. It's like a Benetton ad. Man, this is good. This is a lot of different kinds of people here tonight. Good evening, folks. You all right? Yeah. Well, one Indian guy's all right, and the rest of you are okay, so that's good. Oh, that's crazy, that laugh. All right, good. It's good to be back. I was at my parents' house about a month ago, and I was watching TV with my dad, right? We were sitting in the living room watching TV, and they had, like, the gay pride parade was on that weekend. Well, whatever makes you happy. And they were showing, they had, like, a live feed. Not, like, a live feed, but, like, they were showing the parade, right? They were showing it on TV, right? Or would you grow up? All right, so we're watching it, right? We're watching the parade, right? And then all of a sudden, these three gay Indian guys came on the screen, right? I don't mean came on the screen, but, I mean, they, you know, they appeared, right? So I'm watching it, right? And these three gay Indian guys are like, Hey, we are Indian and we're gay! We represent the gay South Asian community! And my dad looks at me and he goes, That is disgusting. Do you know them? I was like, why the hell would I? Because they are of the gay who are in the entertainment business. Then my dad started to get really irritated with them, you know, because they just kept showing them on the screen. It didn't really bother me, you know, because it's just, you know, it's gay pride and they're just being proud and gay, right? So my dad started to get really irritated with them going, This is wrong. We should not have gay Indians. Indian men should not be gay. Like, we've got a population crisis over there. We could use a couple of homos in India right now. I love it when people concern themselves with stuff that's never going to affect their lives. You know what I mean? Same-sex marriages, I got bigger things to worry about than a same-sex marriage. I got to worry about an arranged marriage. Be out of control when they got same-sex arranged marriages. That's when it's going to be out of control, you know what I mean? Indian family realizes their son's gay when he's young, you know? We must find him a nice boy. Someone from a good family. And a big closet. Arranged marriage is a big problem in my community, man. You know what I mean? It's not so much a problem, it's a problem if you want it to be a problem. I mean, it's a problem for me, you know what I mean? My parents tried that on me last year. They came up to me, they're like, my mom goes, Russell, you're getting older now. And you're not married. What if I bring some nice girls home for you? I go, I bring nice girls home all the time. They just leave in the morning, you know? That's a nice girl right there. No, no, I will pick some girls and you can choose the one you like. Are you out of your mind, man? My mom wanted to pick my wife. I wouldn't let my mom pick my clothes. Imagine my mom walking in with this girl. I know she's a little big now. But you'll grow into her. Big deal in the Indian community if you're not married, man. I'm not married. I'm not really big on this whole marriage thing, you know? I love women too much to get married, you know what I mean? Because if you love women and you get married, then you just love women. I don't know if I'm ready to do that yet, you know? I'm scared of getting that disease, too. You know that disease when you get married? Wangina? I don't want to get stuck with wangina for the rest of my life, you know? I've been doing a lot of traveling. I just came back from South Africa. I was in the motherland. Not my motherland, obviously, you know what I mean? It's black people's motherland, you know? I'm Indian. We have our own motherland. England, you know? The night I came back from South Africa, though, it was funny. I was doing a show the same night I came back, and I'm on stage, and I go, Yeah, I just came back from South Africa. Some drunk white lady in the back of the room yells out, Yaman! I said South Africa. Yaman! Not friggin' Jamaica. She'd be better off. Some people don't like to laugh at that joke. They think it's racist. You ever see that movie, The Gods Must Be Crazy? Remember the first time you saw that Little African Brother movie? You were laughing your ass off, weren't you, huh? The first time I saw the movie, I was like, Whoever wrote this is brilliant! I went to South Africa. That's a real language! I didn't know that, man. I'm in my elevator in the hotel. These three African guys get on board. They're having a conversation. I only hear it coming out of their mouths. And I'm standing there like a jackass laughing at them, right? Holy ----! I can't believe they really talk like that. Then I almost got into a fight with them, because I was eating Pop Rocks, and they thought I was swearing at them. Got very tense in that elevator, man. Freaked me out when I went there, too. You guys ever get a chance to go to South Africa to freak out? You know what freaked me out when I went there? I got off the plane. There was Indian people. Not one or two. Millions of us! And here's the thing. Indian people have been in South Africa for like six, seven generations now. They've been in Africa longer than white people have been in Canada. Well, it's true. They've been there for like six, seven generations. Here's the messed up part. Indian people were taken to South Africa as slaves. You was just an Indian slave! Do I look physically ready to do hard labor? My people don't work that hard. Give us a calculator. We'll do your taxes, man. My people don't like doing physical labor, man. We'd make shitty slaves, man. Imagine how pissed off the first slave owner was. All right, Raj, here's what you're going to do. Get in that field and pick that cotton. No. I can't do it. I hurt my back. Let me tell you what we'll do. Okay? You pick the cotton. And I will get the T-shirts made. And together, we can wholesale it. It's hard physical work like that, man. Why do you think you don't see very many Indian athletes? You think I see an Indian guy in the NFL? Okay, down, set, hike, hike! Go, run, run! We're winning. Glad to see brown people in the audience. That's nice. Of course you'd be here at the taping. It's free. You cheap bastards. Indian people, don't even act like you're not cheap. You know you're cheap. It's in our blood to be cheap. People say Jews are cheap. Jews aren't actually cheap. Jews will spend the money if they think it's worthwhile. A Jew will grab a shirt and go, I don't know. All right, it feels like it's good material. Here's my money. Whereas an Indian guy will be like, I don't know. I could probably get this made for $4. And when you're not looking, he pulls out a knife. How much now? It's ripped. I don't buy ripped shirts. We are cheap, man. It's in our blood. My dad's so good at being cheap that he could convince you that you're wrong. I took my dad to a bar. He ordered a beer. The waitress was like, it's $4.50, sir. My dad's like, okay. Here's $3. She's standing there like, sir, what about the other $1.50? Don't worry about it. Okay. She's like, no, you owe me $1.50. I owe you. You owe me. It's the same thing. Go ahead. Don't be so cheap. See some Asian people. That's good. Any Chinese? Woo! I'm saying, that could be your last name. Woo! That's who can't do business together. Chinese people and Indian people cannot do business together. Indians cannot live without a bargain, and Chinese people cannot give you a bargain. Their objective is to get every penny from you. Ours is to keep every penny. There's a really bad power struggle there. I went to this Chinese mall. Some of you may know it, Pacific Mall. That's the wrong place for an Indian guy to go. I saw this bag. I wanted to buy this bag. I go, how much? He goes, $35. How about $30? Chinese people will never tell you no. They'll tell you no, the longest no you've ever heard in your life. Like you just said, the most ridiculous thing they've ever heard in their life. I'll give you $30. No. I can't do $30. I sell you $30 today. You come tomorrow, I'll close down. I'm like, all right, give me a deal on the purse. I don't want to pay $35. Okay, one second. I talk to my wife. One second. Thank you. I'm going, you seem like a nice guy. I'll give you the best price, $34.50. I'm like, that's $0.50, man. He goes, $0.50 is a lot of money. You save $0.50 here, then maybe you go somewhere else. You save another $0.50, then you have $1. Then you take your dollar, you go to the dollar store, you buy something else. He starts turning into my money manager or something. Let me financial plan for you. I'm like, you know what, dude, forget it. I don't want it. It's not a deal. He starts telling me stuff that has nothing to do with anything. I go, I'm leaving. He goes, hey, be a man. Be a man. Do the right thing. What are you talking about, do the right thing? Maybe you don't buy the purse right now. You go some, you walk around the mall, you see something else, you don't buy, you come back, you say, hey, want the purse for $34.50? I say, no. You don't give for $34.50 now, price gone up, maybe $40. Be a man. We just can't do business, man. We could work together, we just can't work with each other. Oh, man. Good to see black people in the audience too, that's nice. Because it's bright, I mean, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. What, all of a sudden you're sensitive to black people? Whoa, whoa, whoa. I grew up around black people, you don't scare me. I grew up around Jamaicans, man. Jamaicans are hard people to grow up around. Any Jamaicans here tonight? They're like the most passive Jamaicans ever. They're like, a bo-bo licks shot. Hi, man, a bredrin is a Jamaican. Look at this. Quietest Jamaicans in the world. Jamaicans are hard people to grow up around. You know why? Because when I was growing up around Jamaicans, you hang around Jamaican people long enough, you feel the need to want to be Jamaican. They just look so cool. Everything about them is cool. When I was a kid, I was like, I wanted to be Jamaican so bad. I started dressing like a Jamaican. I started wearing a little red, yellow, and green belt. I started talking like a Jamaican. I started listening to reggae music. I started having kids I didn't know about. I did everything I possibly could. But you know what the shitty thing is? A Jamaican will never act like you. You're never going to see a Jamaican guy that grew up around a bunch of Indian guys walking around going, hey, baby, wopening, wopening. It's not going to happen, you know? I felt bad for my dad because he tried fitting in with my Jamaican friends when I was growing up. You don't ever want a man from India trying to speak like a Jamaican at any point during his life. My friends would be in the living room, my dad walking, OK, come on, Marlon, move your bumboclaat and go home. My dad thought punani was a tropical fruit. It is, if you think about it. For the older white folks that look confused right now, punani is the Jamaican word for a woman's, for her pum-pum. My dad thought it was a tropical fruit. One time when I was a kid, I was sick, and I was messing around with my dad. He came to me and goes, oh, my God, Tanya, you're sick. What can I get you? I go, Dad, I love punani. My dad went to the Jamaican store. Hey, lady, where's your punani? My son is at home sick. He needs punani right now. Give me two. Let me squeeze it. No, no, no seeds. When I was in South Africa, I heard real African names. My child's going to get an African name. I don't care. Real African names are wicked, man. I was at this casino in South Africa, right? I'm playing blackjack, African-American jack. I'm playing 21, right? And I look at the dealer, right? It was an African dude. I think they put this guy there just to confuse you when you're gambling. Because I looked at his name tag, I swear to God, the guy's name was spelt, exclamation mark, X-O-B-I-L-E. And I'm like, how the hell do you say that? So I'm not from there. I thought I'd take a shot. I'm like, yeah, could I get another card there? X-O-B-I-L-E. Could I get another card there? X-O-B-I-L-E. X-O-B-I-L-E. See, because I thought you had to start big, you know, because the exclamation was at the beginning of the name, right? Like if it was a question mark, I'd be like, X-O-B-I-L-E. But it was an exclamation, so I'm like, X-O-B-I-L-E. And he looks at me and he goes, please do not yell in the casino. I go, I'm not yelling, man. I'm just trying to say your name. He goes, that is not how you say my name. I go, well, how do you say your name? I swear to God, man. The guy goes, my name is pronounced X-O-B-I-L-E. He had a click in his name! The guy's name was X-O-B-I-L-E. I don't care. My first child's getting a click in his name. I don't care. This is my son, X-O-B-I-L-E. The guy's name was X-O-B-I-L-E. It sounds cool when we're just saying it to each other, right? X-O-B-I-L-E. But think about how that must slow down his sex life, you know? Imagine he's in there with his woman, they're making love. Oh, baby. Oh, baby. Say my name. Say my name! Oh, my God. X-O-B-I-L-E. Mess up the whole vibe, man. I went to Italy last... Italy was cool, man. You know what was wicked when I went to Italy? This freaked me out. Brown people, they gotta go to Italy. They'll mess them up. I went to Italy. The Italians thought I was Italian. And I didn't have the heart to tell them I wasn't Italian, right? Because it seemed kind of cool to be Italian for a little while. Until they started speaking Italian to me. Then I just looked like I was retarded, you know? Because they're walking out there on the street. Si. Si, man. Then when I told the guy I was Indian, he would freak out. Indiano? No, indiano. No, indiano. Mario, che cazzo va indiano? No, no indiano. Like I told him I was a freaking ghost or something. No. Because they can't picture Indian people that are just normal over there, you know? In their heads, Indian people are... Then we show up and shatter their miserable dream for them. If you guys get a chance to go to Italy, it's cool, man. You don't even need to learn how to speak Italian. That's the good part. All you need to do is learn how to read their hand signals. Because every word in Italian has a hand signal that goes with it. Everything. It's like they all used to be deaf at some point, you know? Everything. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, down here, hey. What the ****? Did you know that I should have got this in Italian? You know what this means? This is what the **** in Italian. Right here, this little hand motion is what the ****. This is what the **** in Italian. You know what this means in Indian? You want to eat? Can you imagine an Italian guy walking into an Indian restaurant? Hey, what the ****? Hey, hey, hey, hey, buffet is over there. And you watch your language or somebody gonna get hurt real bad. My Chinese friends, you all right over there? How you doing, bro? Didn't you try and sell me a purse earlier? Just kidding, just kidding. What's your name? No, the Chinese guy. You're the black guy. But you know, whatever makes you happy, you know what I mean? My Chinese friend, what's your name, sir? Anthony, that's what I thought when I looked at you. Looked right at him, that's an Anthony right there. You have a Chinese name as well, Anthony? What's your Chinese name? Say it, you know, proper. However Chinese people would say your name. Don't go, Anthony! I don't want that, you know what I mean? I want the proper Chinese version. What's the Chinese name? Tapsanbong? Doesn't that mean you're gonna get high? Hey, you want a Tapsanbong? That's a wicked name, man. Tapsanbong. I don't know if I'm saying it wrong or not, but this is the way it is now. Sounds cooler than Anthony. Unless you're Anthony Baidian. Tapsanbong by night! Like a Chinese superhero, man! China man! Got two chopsticks on his shirt. Shooting noodles out of his wrist. Catching bad guys with stale fortune cookies. Confucius say, you go to jail, bad boy! I did shows in Hong Kong. I went to Hong Kong last year, man, that was wicked. Hong Kong's a wicked place. I think Chinese people are like the smartest people in the world, man. They're tricking us all. They are, man. They are not dumb people. They pretend to not know English. I went to Hong Kong. They all speak English over there. They speak better English than we speak. I'm in this guy's store. I go, you know what? Me and my friend will come back. He goes, yo, friend and I. I'm like, well, if you and him want to come back too, that's fine. They're not dumb people, man. Don't be fooled. They're playing you. You know what really upset me, though, when I went to Hong Kong. Everywhere you go in the world and perform, wherever I go, they have a local comedian open the show for us. I went to Hong Kong. I kept picturing in my head a Chinese comedian. I get there, no Chinese comedian. I was so upset. Because I kept picturing a Chinese comedian. A little Chinese brother running out, opening up the shore. Hey! Hey! Excuse me. Your mother is so fat that when she jumped for joy she got stuck. Okay, thank you. Didn't happen. Very upsetting. I'm going to let out a secret about Indian people for all the people here or all the people watching, wherever you are. If you're not Indian, this is a message to you on behalf of all Indian people. I hope my brown people don't get upset that I'm letting out our secret. But just so you guys know, Indian people are fully aware of what their accent sounds like. We don't actually need you. We know exactly what it sounds like. We know it's not the coolest accent in the world. You're never going to see two Indian guys in a club standing around going, Hey, man, aren't we cool? Don't we sound really hip? We are going to meet all the bitches tonight. I'm pimping. We know what it sounds like, you know? And don't think for one minute that we don't know that you're mocking us when we're not around. It's an accent. We're not deaf. Don't think when we walk into Home Depot and go, Hello, I'm looking for paint. Yeah, it's right down that aisle over there, sir. Hey, Jim, did you hear that guy? He's looking for paint. Paint. Hey, let's grab a cigarette and talk like this for half an hour. We know you're doing it, you bastards. But Indian people know what their accent's good for and what it's not good for. We know its limitations. We know it's not good for getting laid. It's not going to help you. Hello, baby. Nothing's going to happen for you. But you know what the Indian accent is good for? Cutting tension. You got a tent situation? Pop in the Indian accent. Tension's gone. Picture a serious courtroom drama. Your Honor, my client would like to plead guilty! Tension's gone. But white people, let me talk to you for a minute. White Canadian people, especially. Canadian white people. When I say Canadian, I mean you're Canadian, your parents are Canadian, your grandparents are Canadian. You're really Canadian. Canadian white people, you have an accent. And they're completely oblivious to it. You do? I don't know if you're aware of it, sir. You may not have it, you look like a rich Canadian white guy. I don't know, you know what I mean? You're a minority. But Canadian people have an accent. And it's funny when you watch white Canadian people talk, especially white Canadian guys, they have this funny-ass way of talking. They talk, the way they speak, they make everything sound like it's the most matter-of-fact thing you've ever heard in your life. And when they talk to you, it looks like they can't control their head. It looks like they're part bobblehead when they say stuff to you. Because they'll come up to you and they'll go, Jesus Christ, what are the jugs on that? What? They do it, it's funny to watch. And white people are sitting there going, no, we don't have an accent, what are you talking about? I can prove to you white folks that you have an accent. It's a pretty bold statement for a brown man. But I can prove to you. White people, when you swear, you sound like donkeys. You do, because you'll say stuff like, **** off! Bullshit! **** off! You talk funny, man, it's okay. This is a nice room tonight, you know? There's all kinds of different people here. I love that. When I look out in the audience, I see black, white, Asian, everybody having a good time, hanging out. Brown. We fall under Asian as well. South. It's nice, you know, different mix of audience like this. And people at home, different kinds of people enjoying this in their living room or wherever. This type of thing is not going to be able to happen in about 300 years from now. Do you realize that? If we make it to 300 years from now. Do you realize there's not going to be any more white people? Not going to be any more black people? Everybody's going to be beige. And I don't care, I'm already beige. You know what I mean? Not going to affect me at all. But it's true, the whole world's mixing. There's nothing you can do about it. Eventually, we're all going to become some sort of hybrid mix of Chinese and Indian. It's inevitable. They're the two largest populations in the world. So you could run from us now. But sooner or later, we're going to hump you. And I'm thinking, if we're already going to mix anyway, we should start mixing now, you know? Ladies, take some chances. Sleep around a bit, you know? If you see that Indian comedian that you really want to have sex with, I say go for it. But it's true, the whole world's mixing, you know? Eventually, everybody's going to look the same. But I'm thinking, if we're all going to mix anyway, let's start mixing people now that would never normally mix. Just to see what we'll get. You know, hook up a Jamaican with an Italian. They could have little Pastafarians. You know? I'm Indian. I could hook up with a Jewish girl. We could have little Hinjews. Get a woman from the Philippines, a guy from Holland, little Jalapenos. Guy from Cuba, woman from Iceland, little Ice Cubes. A French and a Greek, freak. German and a Newfie, little Goofies. It's going to happen. We might as well help. I used to go out with a Chinese girl. It was wicked going out with a Chinese girl. Can you imagine if her and I had gotten serious? Can you imagine that wedding? Do you know how much rice would have been at that wedding? Nobody would be allowed to throw it at the bride and groom. Our parents would just freak out. What the hell are you doing? Wasting the food? I told you not to invite white people to the wedding. Mashed potatoes out there. It's going to happen, man. My dad's been in this country for 40 years now. 40 years. And you know what's scary? I think my dad's turning into a redneck now. I swear to God, he's starting to say stuff that scares me. I walked into my parents' house a couple of weeks ago. My dad was sitting there on the phone. He had the newspaper open in front of him. He had an ad circled. Somebody was selling a couch, right? So my dad's on the phone. He calls the ad. And on the other end of the phone, some Eastern European lady answered and she couldn't speak any English. And all I hear is, Hello, I'm calling about your couch. Hello. I want to know about your couch. Hello. Okay. I've said hello twice. I would like to purchase your couch. And no English. I'm sorry? And no English. Then why the hell did you answer the phone? You can't speak the language. Click. My dad looks at me and goes, Immigrants. I go, Dad, you're an immigrant. Hey, you watch what you say to me. I think that's one thing that separates immigrant families from the regular Canadian families, you know? It doesn't matter where your parents are from. They weren't born in this country. They will whoop your ass when you're growing up. It doesn't matter where your parents are from. Ukraine. You know what I'm saying? They'll beat you with a cabbage roll. They'll smack a pierogi upside your head if they're happy. They'll beat you, right? Immigrant parents will beat their kids. Canadian parents, they're a little too soft on their kids. And that's fine. Whatever makes you happy. But you need to start beating your kids. I'll tell you why. Because growing up, kids now are growing up in a multicultural society. You're going to have white kids growing up with black kids and brown kids and Asian kids, and they're all going to be hanging out in the playground. You know what I mean? And they're going to be talking about the ass-whooping they got last night. Do you want that little white kid to feel left out? Beat that child so he's not a social outcast. He'll be sitting around, man, my dad beat my ass. My dad beat my ass too. The white kid will be like, I got sent to my room. The girl will be like, you've got a room? You need to beat the kids, man. Indian parents will beat their kids. Chinese parents, I would hate to get beat. Parents know kung fu and stuff? Man, that's... I would hate to mess up in a Chinese house, man. Hey! Come here. It says you got a F in school. They wouldn't even need to beat you. They'd just go... Indian parents will beat their... Indian parents aren't afraid to kill their kids if they have to. You know? My dad's theory was, if I get rid of one, I'll just make another one. And I will tell the new one what an idiot the last one was. Jamaican parents will beat their kids for no reason sometimes, don't they? Hey, boy, come here. Yes, daddy? What's that for? Just in case. White people, please beat your kids. I'll tell you why else, because when I was growing up, right, I grew up around a lot of black people. Which was fine, because the black people never picked on me. White kids? Not so friendly back then. But every now and then, a white kid would come and hang out with us. And we were like, wow, a white kid! I've heard so much about you! And here's where the problem is. When a white kid would hang out with us, we'd want to be like the white kid. We would want to start to do everything like the white kid. We wanted to copy that white kid so much. And the problem is, is when we would start taking that white kid's advice on how to deal with our parents. That'll get you friggin' murdered, man. I remember hanging around this one little white boy, Ryan, when I was ten years old. I went to his house after school one day, right? His parents never beat him, and they never even yelled at him. He could do anything he wanted, and nothing was going to happen to him. But he was an angry kid. He walked into his house after school one day, his mom goes, Ryan, go clean your room! **** you, bitch! His mom goes, what am I going to do with him? I go, Ryan, you can't talk to your mom like that. Yes I can, she's a jackass! Don't say that, man, she'll hit you. No she won't, she's not allowed to. What the hell are you talking about, man? My parents hit me. Yeah, well, next time they try it, you tell them to **** off. Are you sure? Trust me, it works for me. So I went home. For the last time. I walked in the house, my dad goes, Russell, come and do the dishes. **** you, Dad! What the hell did you say to me? Do I look like Ryan's mom? Somebody gonna get hurt real bad. That was my dad's threat. Right before he beat me. Every single time. Russell! Somebody gonna get hurt real bad. I hated that threat. You know why? Because he'd always say somebody. He'd never tell you it was you. I mean, you knew it was you. But he'd give you this hope. Oy! Russell! Somebody gonna get hurt real bad. Somebody. I'm not gonna say who. Oh, I think you might know him very well. I'm in the back praying. I hope it's my brother, man. Please. I saw that little brat Ryan at school a few days later. I was like, yo, your little plan almost got me killed. He goes, oh, sorry, dude. I forgot to tell you the other part. If he's still gonna hit you, threaten to phone Children's Aid. Why? Because if you phone Children's Aid, they'll come and take your dad away, and he'll get in trouble. You won't even have to call. Just pretend it'll scare the crap out of him. You're ten years old. You figure out how to scare the crap out of your dad? That's like finding kryptonite. I thought I'd try it. I was about to get my next beating. I stopped my dad. I go, don't! Do it! I'll phone Children's Aid. You ever had your parents call your bluff? You'll do what? I'll phone Children's Aid. Is that right? Ooh. Well, let me get you the phone, tough guy. What are you doing? If I phone Children's Aid, you'll get in trouble. I might get into a little bit of trouble. But I know that it's going to take them 23 minutes to get here. In that time, somebody going to get hurt real bad. Ladies and gentlemen, Russell Peters.