Josh Wolf at Laugh Factory! (THROWBACK) ｜ Stand Up Comedy)

But she has to be to put up with me. And I actually knew that I was going to marry her on our first date we ever went out on. I had gone out the night before and had gotten a little too drunk. And my stomach was really not feeling very good. But I knew I didn't want to cancel on her. So we go out to dinner. And it was one of those magical nights, guys. And I really do hope everybody has a night like this, where you're sitting across from the person that you basically know you're going to spend the rest of your life with. And I'm sitting across from her. And we're laughing. And we're joking. And things are going amazing. And I feel a sneeze coming on. I sneeze like this. Ah! Like I'm a mouth sneezer. The ******* worst. The mouth sneezer is the worst. So I don't want to scare her on our first date. So instead of, ah! I plug my nose. And when I plug my nose, I ---- my pants. I swear to God, first date, future wife, poopy pants, everybody, right? And I'm sitting there. And the expression, she must have seen it change on my face. Because it was like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Because she reached over. And she grabbed my hand. And she was like, I know. It's a great date. I feel it too. And I was like, man, I hope you don't feel it from across the table. She said, excuse me. I have to use the restroom. And I was thinking, you have to use the restroom. I am the ******* restroom at this point in time, right? So what's my instinct when she leaves? As a man, what's my instinct? Run! You know why I didn't do that, man? I ---- in my pants. That's why I didn't do that. That's one of the, you know that? That's this run here. You know that? That terrible run from your car to your front door with your keys in your hand like this? ****. By the way, let me ask everybody, speaking of which, when you're in your car, why do you have to ---- more when you see your house? Like, what is it about your house? Sometimes I don't even know I got a ----. I pull into my driveway. I'm like, I'm out of ---- in my car! Crazy, right? I'm not the only person that's ever ---- in the front lawn, am I? Am I the only person? So I decide I just, I gotta, I gotta tell her. Yes, what else? I have run through the Rolodex in my head. I got nothing! I gotta be honest with her. So she comes back and she sits down. And I said, I have to tell you something. And she said, you can tell me anything. And I said, we're about to find out, aren't we? I ---- my pants. You know what she said? You know how I knew she was from me? She looked me straight in the eye and she goes, I knew it! I knew you ---- your pants. I'm sitting two feet away from you. You don't think I could smell that you ---- your pants? Everybody in this section knows that you have ---- in your pants. And I was like, no way. And the guy next to me was like, yeah, dude. She said, you know, I went to the bathroom so you could leave with some dignity. But you're here when I get back. What's the deal with that? And I said, how are we going to get out of here? She said, well, we're going to pretend like you're retarded and walk you out the front door. And that, my friends, is love. Dude, I had a really bad experience recently at the weed store. Anybody? Anybody have their card? Not you. Anybody? You have your card, right? Just one person has their card? Just you? And you? You guys, people who smoke weed, raise their hands a little later than the rest of us, don't they? You smoke weed? Yeah. Here's the deal. I went into the weed store. And anybody had the edibles? Woo! OK. So for those of you who don't know, the edibles kind of **** you up. I did not know that. So I went in. Now listen, something you need to know about me is I ******* love blueberry muffins. So I walk into the weed store. And I'm like, are those blueberry muffins? The guy was like, yeah. And I said, does that have weed in it? And he said, yeah. And I was like, I'll have a blueberry muffin. So my weed store has a little area where you can smoke and watch DVDs and ----. And I just put in Chappelle season one. ------- great. And I'm literally licking my fingers when the guy runs in. And he goes, you didn't eat that whole muffin, did you? Huh? Tell me you didn't eat that whole muffin right now all at once, did you? And I was like, yeah. And he goes, all right, listen. And I'm not ******* around right now. Either give me the keys to your car or drive home right now. And I said, what? And he goes, I'm telling you. Leave here right now or prepare to be here for eight hours. I was like, are you kidding me? He goes, you ate that whole muffin, man. He goes, I own this place. I would only eat half if I was at home. I was like, **** me. He was right. I was high for eight hours. That's one of those highs where you're like, I have kids, man. I had to pull one of these. I walked into the house. I was like, daddy's sick. Don't come in the room. And then I peeked my head out. I was like, no matter what you hear from this room, do not come in here. It was bad. Except like an hour later, I was like, except I could use some orange juice. He told me the first time he touched a boo. And he came home. And he was like, hey. And I go, yeah. And he goes, come here. And I walk up to him. I go, what's up? He goes, no, no, no, no, no. Outside. Now, I'll tell you what I thought was happening. What I thought was happening was that point in time in every man's life where they look at their father and they think to themselves, well, I could beat the ---- out of this guy. Everybody hits him. Whether you do it or not, you do look at your dad once. You're like, I could ******* take this dude down for sure. So I thought that was what was happening. So we were walking outside. I was tightening up my shoes. I'm like, oh, it's ******* on. OK, here we go. And I thought I was going to get stronger than me and faster than me. I thought I was going to have to ******* poke him in the neck and be like, sorry, dude. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know. So he goes, we get outside. And he goes, touch the boo. And what do you think? He goes, definitely going to try to do that again. But there are some things he tells me that I don't want to know. There are some things, like as a parent, there's some things you want to know. You're glad that your kid is open with you. But some ----, it grosses me out, right? So he came home. And he was like, hey, dad. Hey, dad. Hey. I've got to ask you a question, because you know I'm going out with Ashley. And you know I like her a lot, dad. You know she's super special to me. And so I'm going out with her Friday for the first time. We're going to be alone, alone. Some stuff is going to happen. And I just want to make sure she still likes me on Saturday. So can I ask you a couple of questions that might make you a little uncomfortable? And I said, you can't call a friend? Like, I've done enough raising, haven't I? I got to get into this? OK. I go, yeah, man. Go ahead. He goes, thanks, dad. OK. OK, so first of all, dad, you know we're going to be alone. And we're going to be kissing. And my eyes are going to be shut, right? And I go, yeah. Don't be creepy, open-eyed, kissy guy. That's the worst. Isn't that the worst, when you're kissing somebody, and you kind of crack your eye like this? And they're like this? And you're like, well, ******* tonight's the night I'm going to die. OK. Right? I don't know why you'd be staring at me from an eighth of an inch away, unless you're going to kill me later, right? OK. And I go, yeah, dude. Eyes closed. He goes, OK, good. Question number one, answer. And then he goes, now, dad, you know what? I know what to do here. And he told me what his bra move is. And it's terrible. But I didn't correct him, because I'm going to tell you the truth, guys. I left high school not knowing how to undo a bra. When I was in high school, if I wanted to see boobs, my bra move was this. You know when you put the bra on top of the titties, and it just, it just kind of pushes them down a little bit? Because every guy in here did this. **** it! You know what I mean? To this day, the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me in my life is when my mom came home early from work and found me trying to take her bra off of my brother. I did not live that ******* thing down for a long time. Listen, and I'll tell you, this is why I am the way I am. I'm going to tell you what happened that night. This is who raised me. This is why I am the way I am. So that night, we're at dinner, right? And my brother and I are sitting across from each other, and my parents are sitting across from each other. And my mom is this really passive-aggressive, Northeastern Jew. And she's sitting at the end of the table, and she was like, Tommy, my dad, Tommy, the funniest thing happened today. I came home early to surprise the boys, and boy, did I ever. I came home, and I found Joshua trying to take my bra off of Jonathan. Isn't that funny? And this is why I am the way I am. My dad is at the end of the table, and he cuts a piece of meat, and he goes, how'd he do? OK. So my son, right? So he goes, I know what to do. I know what to do here, Dad. I know. I go, OK, OK, buddy. And then, I wish I could write this. This is exactly what he did. He starts to walk his fingers down his stomach. And he goes, and then, Dad. And he goes, this area here, I'm going to give you his quote, because I couldn't have written it any better, OK? He goes, this area here, this is where I hear things get a little tricky. And I said, you're right. It does get a little tricky. And he goes, because if my eyes are closed, and the lights are out, I can't see anything. So how, like, Dad, how do you? I just need to know, like, when you do it, how do you? Oh, and all the time he was saying this, I was like, man, I wish I was high for this conversation. I ******* should be so high right now. But he's like, Dad, how do you? OK. I'm going to start over, Dad. OK. Kissing eyes closed. Boobs like them. Take a walk down to Tricky Town, and here we are. So Dad, what I need to know from you is, when you're in this area, how do you, Dad, how do you? I'm just going to say it, Dad. OK, Dad. Dad, how do you touch a woman's banana? How do you do that? And I was like, you want to know how I, hold on. You want to know how I, I don't know, it's grossing me out, dude. I can't talk to you about it. Google it. I'm not going to give you my secrets. Are you kidding me? I worked hard for those secrets. It's trial and error, trial and error, trial and error. Every man in America tries something in high school, it doesn't work, you ******* try something else. Every guy in here stumbled out of the gate, you think I'm going to kick you to the finish line? **** you, figure it out like the rest of us did. You don't go from apprentice to sorcerer in one day, that's all I'm saying. I'm pretty sure I took Harry Potter seven movies, maybe eight, I don't ******* know. Look, I didn't know anything the first time I went down a girl's pants. It would have been nice, sure would have been nice if somebody had told me, but nobody ever did. The first time I went down a girl's pants, it would have been nice if somebody told me that the hole was so far back, I was pushing around here forever. I'm like, how do you get in there? If I keep tapping on it, is it going to pop open? No wonder they call it the clam, I'm hitting the shell right now. Do I need a Wi-Fi password for this ************? Little pig, little pig, let me in. I don't know. And then when I finally hit a hole, I thought, I'm so far back, I'm in the wrong one. I jumped the vagina. And here was the worst part, teenage boys are so bad at sex. When I finally realized I was in the right place, I just left my finger there like I was taking her temperature or something. No movement or anything, just this right here. I got a family, so it's always nice to leave. And that sounded worse than it is. But I got some old kids, and it's funny when your kids start doing ---- to you that you did to your father. That is really an interesting time. I had this conversation with my son. I remember I had this, and I called him into my room one day, and I go, hey, man. And he goes, what's up? I said, you know that vodka doesn't freeze? And he said, I didn't know that. I go, yeah. Did you know that water does? And he said, I did know that. I go, really? Then why is my vodka frozen, you dumb ass? Why do I have a Vopsicle in my freezer? Look, we all stole booze from our parents, right? We all stole booze from our parents. But at least I was creative about it. I used to put apple juice on the patio for two weeks, right? So it would ferment. So when I put it back in my dad's bottle, it smelled like whiskey. To this day, my dad's like, man, I can't drink that whiskey. It gives me the shits. So I told my son, I was like, listen, man, I can't have you stealing things from me. You want to know what something tastes like, you're old enough. We can sit down in the living room and taste it. And he was like, OK, I've never had beer before. And I said, OK. So I went out, and I bought us a case of beer. And I was sitting there, and I go, look at us. We're like, gentlemen, we're having a beer together. And the most important thing is we're safe, right, buddy? Lesson number one is you never drink and drive. And then I got him ******* ---- face, right? He would finish a beer. I'm like, shotgun? He's like, what's shotgun? Glug, glug, glug, right? I murdered him, all right? And he passed out on the ground. Yeah. So I shaved one of his eyebrows. And then I drew a dick on his cheek right here. Because you never pass out first, stupid. Welcome to the world. Daddy loves you. Just trying to teach him one lesson at a time, my friends. You know what I mean? I'm only one man.