Self Esteem Mindset. Changes To Make Immediately (Episode 104)
Hi friends, this week we're talking about self-esteem and I want to kind of break
down self-esteem in a whole new way and give you a mindset that's going to help
your self-esteem and not hurt it because there's a whole shift you got to make
and I'm gonna explain it to the best of my ability because there's two types of
people and this is gonna kind of reveal which mindset you're in and then I'm
gonna tell you how to flip it and then I'm gonna talk about being worried about
what people think of you and being worried about how people feel about you
and when you get like anxious or nervous or you feel like bad about yourself I'm
gonna teach you how to flip that and give you this new mindset because the
way you're gonna approach things and the way you're gonna think about things
after this episode it's gonna be completely different so let's jump into
this first thing is the two different types of mindsets so the way I saw this
the other day like my example is there was this woman who was lost and confused
at the airport and she was trying to figure out where to go and she had a lot
of bags and she was having trouble like pulling her own bags but also trying to
be on her phone and like find her uber and like figure out where she's going
she's lost LAX is god-awful the airport is terrible but she was very confused
and it was visible and she was frantic and panicking and kind of like worried
and just lost and my brains first resort was this is someone who needs to be
taken care of this is someone who needs help she looks like kind of like a
victim like she could easily be taken advantage of in this situation like I
saw someone who was vulnerable and I saw the ways I could help her and be
there for her now that's one mindset because you're gonna see how you're of
use to people and you're gonna see what voids you can fill and you're able to
identify what needs people have you can read a situation you can see it see the
position that they're in and you see how you can offer yourself to help and make
them feel better when you see someone in distress or someone in a vulnerable
position how does your brain go do you immediately think and see what can make
it better for them and how you could be there for them or does your mind kind of
go the other way where you see someone in a vulnerable state and you see what
you could get out of it and what you can take advantage of because a lot of taxi
drivers will take advantage of someone like that a lot of people will go up and
rob someone like that or pretend like they're helping her and then steal her
suitcases like there's two ways that your brain is gonna instinctually kind
of go but if your first thought and the way your brain immediately sees
situations is how you can benefit how you can take advantage instead of being
of use you are never ever going to feel good about yourself or feel of use or
feel like you're capable of anything people with this type of mindset are
used to having to fend for themselves and they have to look at any opportunity
to meet their own needs because they're not used to people doing anything for
them it's like you fend for yourself and you figure it out or you don't get
what you need so I understand why people have this mindset but I kind of want to
take it a step further and break down like someone who's always trying to see
what they can get is never seeing what they can give and how they can help and
be there for someone so the flip mindset of trying to take advantage you're never
gonna be able to have self-esteem you're never gonna feel good about yourself if
you never see how you can be of use or take up space and like a good way and
offer things to people in this world if you're only ever seeing what you can get
out of things you're never seeing what you can give and you're never gonna feel
like you have self-esteem you're never gonna feel useful you're never gonna
feel good about yourself or life like life is just gonna seem like a constant
fight and the cycle is just gonna continue I felt like that example
illustrated this perfectly because that's a mindset that you have to look
at things a certain way when you feel like you have enough and you're
fulfilled or you're confident or you're happy and you have resources and you
feel abundant in a way your brain is gonna be in a giving mindset and how can
I be of use mindset but people who don't have that a lot of people have to break
that and it makes full sense why people are the opposite and look at how they
can take advantage and see what they can get out of things like it makes full
sense but you're gonna be trapped to a life of pain and never feeling valuable
if you stay in that mindset this next portion I want to talk about is about
how people see you this is gonna fall into friendships and especially
relationships and partnerships even like family like being worried about how
anyone sees you these are just a couple of things that I want to give you new
mindsets around that are gonna make you feel a lot better and stop seeing how
you're deficient and not good enough and unappreciated and start seeing the
opposite so you feel better like this is the whole thing about self-esteem you
have to see how you're of use but there's a big thing between seeing if
you're of use and not being appreciated like it's a mind **** so let me unfuck
it for you I have a whole podcast episode about caring what people think
and I talked about in that episode you can't stop caring what people think you
can't stop being worried about it and you shouldn't want to like it's gonna
help you reveal so much about yourself and that's where I'm gonna go into this
deeper with self-esteem like the way that you're worried people feel about
you is how you actually feel about yourself sometimes but instead of trying
to not give a **** what people think and not care what people think of you look
at it fully look at what are you so worried people think of you what are you
so worried they assume or how do you think that they're looking at you that's
making you feel bad or not feel good because all of your worries are going to
become very obvious as soon as you look at it and then every single change you
need to make pops right up as soon as you look at it figure out what you're
worried about I'm gonna teach you how to go through it so I have a couple of
things that I used to feel a lot with people and I'm gonna give you my new
mindset that is like building my self-esteem and has built my
self-esteem with these certain situations and it's gonna give you new
perspectives to see yourself from and just fix a lot of ---- for you so here
we go so one thing that used to bother me a lot is I convinced myself a lot of
people talked to me because they felt obligated to or they would respond to me
or communicate with me because they felt like they had to they didn't feel like
they had an option that's how I was looking at it but with every worry you
have about how other people are thinking of you and feeling about you you need to
ask is it true so for me feeling like everyone was obligated to talk to me and
that's the only reason that they were talking to me a long time ago like I
laugh now because I'm like ---- like it was like damaging to me to be thinking
like this but I was so trapped in it like I convinced myself people only
talked to me because they felt obligated to they didn't talk to me because they
wanted to and I had to question was that true is there another reason people
would talk to me is there a possibility people actually want to talk to me yeah
but that didn't really help that much so I had to kind of go into it deeper and
be like why do I think everyone operates out of obligation why do I
think that people feel like they have to talk to me and actually do it a lot of
people don't operate out of obligation but I had a lot of experiences in my
past where everybody just acted under obligation they didn't really honor the
way that they felt and what they truly wanted to do after seeing that I could
look back at it like okay now that I can acknowledge not everyone operates out of
obligation a lot of people do but not everyone you can look at your case more
clearly some people actually are talking to you just because they want to they're
responding to their attentive to you because they want to be they care with
this limiting mindset of like kind of writing off like the good about yourself
and like people want to talk to me because they actually want to talk to me
and just convincing yourself oh they feel obligated you're never gonna feel
good about yourself and a lot of people don't have awareness that this is going
on in their head I didn't for a long time I just thought nobody liked me and
I didn't know why it's because I was discrediting every single thing that
they did to me to show me that they cared about me or liked me I was just
like oh they feel obligated I didn't get to sit in the appreciation of oh they do
like me they are texting me because they genuinely like want to know how I'm doing
they want to talk to me they want to hang out they don't feel obligated to
like when you grow up and have experienced transactions a lot and like
people only doing things for certain things and a lot of people operating out
of obligation you're gonna question a lot of people's motives but it robs you
from a very big boost in self-esteem because you discredit everybody for what
they're doing they over just doing it because they're obligated stop looking
for how people are showing you attention and love and writing it off stop looking
for ways to discredit it and discount it look for how you can accept it and allow
it in and say okay like I see why this person would actually want to talk to me
like look for how they're not obligated and look for why they would want to talk
to you and be attentive to you see that's just the first thing I wanted to
bring up now the second point I'm gonna talk you through is a little different
and it doesn't go like this way it goes the opposite way so I used to not feel
interesting around certain people I didn't feel like I was exciting or
special or interesting to a lot of people I used to be so like crippling me
insecure about that because I always thought I was like boring and people
thought I was boring but when you look at it okay there's my concern I feel
like people look at me like I'm boring is it true what else is that play here
that's not that so I looked at myself and I was like I know what I know I do
what I do my style is the way that it is I can have conversations I like a very
high level I'm very very interesting to myself then I looked at the people I
thought thought I was boring actually they were ******* boring that's where
that came from like I felt like I was boring because they were boring boring
people do not appreciate special things like boring people don't have the
capacity to like understand and appreciate something special or
something fun like they're boring they probably don't even show emotion so
being around boring people being so worried about what they thought of me I
didn't check in and see what do I think of them are they exciting am I excited
by them and the answer was no and that's why we did a lot of cleaning out with my
life and people I was around but that mindset stuck with me I'm not boring and
neither are you the people who make you feel boring might just actually be the
boring one does that make sense like it's not being reflected to you and it
doesn't mean that it's not there it takes someone who's not boring to make
you feel special and exciting and fun so just become aware of that in your
mind if you ever feel boring around somebody check to see if they're boring
check to see if they're a loser because it can make you feel like it's you
because things you say might not land they might not seem interested in
conversation they might seem to just talk about surface-level ---- that's
their thing they're not even able to access where you can be exciting and
share new fun things they can't get there so don't let that make you
question if you're exciting or if you are special or if you like are fun to be
around they're the ******* boring one okay let me just yell that at you a
little bit because I've suffered with that for a long time and after I like
explored this I was like hey I'm kind of fine okay now my next example is gonna
be something where I needed to change something so other people was actually
right and like what I was worried about was actually true this is not a bad
thing because like I said as soon as you face what you're worried about changes
you need to make become very obvious so one of my biggest worries and concerns
was that people thought that I was weak and not emotionally controlled so I had
to look at okay is it true and it kind of was like it kind of was and I know
I'm very mentally strong but my behaviors at the time were when I lacked
discipline and I kind of let my emotions run me and control me so what I did was
realize okay if I do want to feel more controlled and have people perceive me
as controlled and not weak I need to stop being weak I need to stop letting
my emotions run me and dictate me like I started implementing discipline and got
a really good grip on it I started to structure my life a little bit more and
do things and give myself time constraints and force myself to show up
for myself and it made me respect myself a lot more because like I said how you
think other people feel about you sometimes is how you feel about yourself
I felt weak because I was constantly dicked around by my emotions like I
would say I was gonna do something and then wouldn't do it so as soon as I
started getting more disciplined and showing up for myself and not letting my
emotions run me around and not having such big like outward displays of
emotion and knowing how to like control myself in certain situations and not pop
off and not freak out and cause a scene and be overly dramatic I felt a lot more
controlled because I was it was all in my actions and my actions that I used to
make me feel stronger was getting a grip on myself like literally just grabbing
myself and being like get it the **** together you know but that's a situation
where how I felt about myself changed just by my actions of what I needed to
do and how other people felt about me changed I felt more respected I felt
like people knew I was strong like I knew I was strong but it was just it's
certain times it wasn't all the time like now I'm strong and it's obvious and
people see a lot of things that I deal with and they're like how do you keep it
together and I'm like girl I don't know but I always do I always find a way to
figure things out I do still get very emotional and I let myself get riled up
and I let myself get sad but I do that contained with myself and I don't show
that to people who I don't want to see it I do let certain people see it I do
talk to people in my life and they know I'm still strong even though I'm
expressing the times that I feel weak because they know and they see I always
flip it I always fix it I always get up and do something and move and change my
situation like I'll sit here and vent and bitch about what I'm dealing with
but everybody knows I'm gonna fix it I'm gonna handle it and that's where you can
still be emotional and not be seen as weak like you're complaining about your
situation and then you have a track record of showing you complain and then
you change you don't sit here and just complain and do nothing and keep
complaining that's a weak person that's who someone's gonna look at as weak
that's who someone is not gonna think is emotionally controlled like you're just
over here just whining for what whine to get a solution complain to invent to
like get it all out there and then see what you could do like get the emotion
out of you and then get clear on what you need to do because after you vent it
out most times you're like okay yeah I know what I need to do and now I'm not
so upset so let's go do it but the other thing I was so worried about was people
thinking I was dramatic that was something I had to learn how to
communicate the way that I felt so people understood when I have an
emotional reaction to something if it seems misplaced or if it seems bigger
than it should be I'm aware because I go into myself and see why things bother me
that it's never an overreaction there's a lot more things going on in me and
people who are looking at my reaction and me experiencing the reaction are in
two different realities I had to learn how to communicate what I was feeling
what this was reminding me of and what this certain thing meant to me and why
it hurt me so that they understood then they could get into my perspective see
why it bothered me and be understanding and not be like oh you're being dramatic
that's a really big thing with learning how to communicate and a lot of people
are hung up about oh I don't want to be vulnerable I don't want to share these
things but communicating is giving people insight into you and it takes a
lot of strength to be able to communicate that and to be vulnerable
and giving people a clear reality of what you're dealing with makes them see
you stronger because they might see a little situation and be like oh it's
easy as this like done but they see you dealing with a lot more and still
handling it you don't get looked at as weak when you communicate more you get
looked at as strong it's the weirdest thing but like I used to be so worried
about it now I communicate freely and openly even if I look like weak in the
moment or like I don't even say the weak like if I let people know something
bothers me it's not weak at all like it makes you look a lot stronger because
they're aware this thing bothered you and they see you keep going versus they
assume nothing is bothering you and see you keep going they don't realize what
you're overcoming and what you're dealing with so it's okay to share those
things and that's what helped me a lot with being worried that people saw me as
like dramatic in the past like I had to understand first what's going on is not
just on the surface and being able to communicate that made them see the same
thing so there's two ways you can kind of hit that one I do need to take a
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Now back to the podcast. Now the next thing I want to talk about is something I still
kind of deal with to this day but I'm gonna teach you how to flip your mindset
around it and not have it wreck your self-esteem so I literally wrote down on
my notes being worried that people think that I'm lost confused and unstable I
used to have a really big worry about people perceiving me this way and not
seeming stable to people and not seeming like I have my ---- together like for
people to think that I was lost and confused I let that kind of like hurt me
and I felt like people were judging me I didn't want anyone to see that but I had
to look at is that really a bad thing because the way my life is this is
******* expected it's very expected for me to feel unstable confused and lost a
because every single day I wake up with the career that I've chosen everything's
different everything changes you guys have seen my life flip upside down so
many times I've moved like four times in the past two years not even like year
and a half I've moved four times where can you look at someone who's doing this
much and improving their life this much and look at them and be like your whole
reality is constantly breaking you're constantly achieving new things and
moving to new places and experiencing new things and expect them to have a
stable air about them I am very stable and grounded in who I am but like my
life and my environment is what I feel is very unstable like what I'm doing
constantly is changing and I was sitting here worried that people thought because
the way my life is that I was unstable that's not the truth I'm very stable I'm
clear-headed and clear-minded I adapt and do everything I need to do but for
my life to be unstable and look unstable and my apartment is not fully furnished
and like I'm still working on ---- with my life that isn't all that people see
like they see that you're stable in who you are and they see that you're
handling all of this uncertainty and instability because you are stable enough
to handle it like in you in yourself you are stable your environment in your life
is not so me having the kind of like face that made me feel a lot better
because it's not a bad thing and it's not that my life reflects me like what
I'm dealing with what my circumstances look like constantly changing I'm not
like I'm growing and developing yes but like I am NOT my life and my external
situation if that makes sense like I thought people only saw my life and what
was going on not me all of you see me and you see me very stable and grounded
and strong even though my whole life is constantly changing and moving and
flipping and that really put my mind to rest when I realized that's not all
people see is just how your life looks like they see you okay my last point I
want to hit on is worrying that other people do not find you attractive and
that is a big one so buckle in so if you are automatically thinking and like
your brain kind of assumes people don't think you're attractive there's a couple
things you can kind of check first before you start attacking yourself and
trying to change yourself what is making you think that you're not attractive to
them not in general to them because someone could be a completely different
vibe from you they could be a whole different type of lifestyle type of look
like a grungy vibe or like a very clean like Sofia Richie like pretty put
together vibe I'm over here like gold tattoos all black mobster from the 80s
in Miami vibe like that's my vibe but like there are certain types of people
who are not gonna like me the clean pretty aesthetic and like these little
frat boys these type of people would never think I'm like attractive they
might think okay he's cute like he's decent looking but like they wouldn't be
attractive to like want me if that makes sense like some people are just
nice to look at because they're not your vibe at all like they're cute they're
attractive but you wouldn't bring them like in your life like you don't mesh
you're not compatible so I just wanted to point that out people might not be
moving in on you because they think you're not compatible it's like these
little frat boys with the goth girlfriends it actually works like it's
funny when it does work but like a frat boy who likes a goth girl might be like
oh I don't feel like she thinks I'm attractive because I don't look like her
I don't look like her vibe I don't fit that but she's still very much could be
attracted to him and a lot of people are attracted to like the opposite so that's
the first thing to kind of check do you not feel attractive because you don't
aesthetically look like someone else's vibe that's the first thing to question
and like I said before you go changing stuff you need to see is this person's
vibe yours like for you to go change the way that you look and the way that
you present like the frat boy trying to date the goth girl does he need to go
try and be goth now no and does the goth girl need to go be more like pretty and
put together and try and like fit that little Sofia Richie like aesthetic no
what they like about each other is the differences they like that it's
different so that's something else to get if someone might be attracted to you
because you're not their vibe and they like your vibe so if you automatically
get insecure and worried and it hurts your self-esteem so you go trying to
change yourself to be more their vibe they might lose attraction to you
because you're not your original vibe you see but that's why it's so important
to get your own aesthetic and find out what you like and how you want to
present and stay grounded in that like sure it's gonna change and ebb and flow
but my look my aesthetic is me like it there's it's not gonna change much like
certain little things will change like I'll get a new decoration or like I'll
get a new like piece of clothing but my whole entire vibe and aesthetic is mine
and that's where sometimes you might feel like your vibe is not attractive
that's where I'm saying ask why what vibe do you feel like thinks your vibe
is not cute and is that even true because if for me to meet someone who's
my exact vibe I know I'm gonna be cute to him I know I'm we gonna like each
other like it's duh we're the same vibe so you're confident in that but what I
really wanted to bring up is just because you think someone's not into you
and your vibe doesn't mean that's the truth like some people like the flip and
the contrast and they like it to look different and they like that their
partner is different that's what makes them attracted to you so your brains
trained a little to see I'm not attractive to this person because of
this explore the opposite but now I want to talk about changing like the way you
look and your appearance to try and look more attractive for someone always check
in with yourself do you actually like it like for you to change your style for
someone that's a transaction like okay I'm gonna do these things and change
these things dye my hair change my body whatever I'm gonna do with the hope and
the attachment of I'm gonna get approval and love and feel attractive to
you if you change all these things about yourself and don't get the desired
outcome you will hate yourself you will turn against everything you just changed
and hate it because it didn't get you what you subconsciously were hoping for
so you're gonna resent it so like if you change your vibe to try and be appealing
to somebody else and they still don't find you appealing or it doesn't make
them want you more that's a disaster waiting to happen that's why I say
change what you want to change for yourself look at am I changing this
thing because I want them to like me more or am I changing this thing because
I want to like me more and I'll feel better if I look like this but also
question why would you feel better would you do is it like Loki because you think
they're gonna like you more or is it because you feel like it's a new
confident way of being for you and that's how you want to look and you want
to be is that the vibe you want it's about you because people are very
attracted to someone being the most them they can be and it shows a lot of
confidence and so like solid like reassurance and like what's it called
like stability and assurance and like appreciation for yourself cuz like had
y'all seen me get with somebody and then try and change my vibe it's like a clean
boy aesthetic y'all be like what the hell like I have the clean boy aesthetic
ish like I'm kept I look kept but I still got that like edge but it gives
very uncertain and unshaky and when you get with someone and they immediately
try and like take on your vibe it gives very insecure it gives not cute for
someone just be who they are and own that ---- that's hot like it doesn't
matter the vibe like I said like the goth girl like if she gets with these
people and tries to start dressing different it's gonna be like oh you
ain't it that's when people are actually gonna think you are less attractive is
when you try to be more attractive for them not for yourself I think I nailed
that last little point down but I do want to say about self-esteem when you
start going into everything and realizing the things that you want to
change the moment you become aware of the way you want to present and how you
want to be and how you want to feel about yourself the moment that you start
taking those steps is when all the self-esteem pours in you're gonna feel
it immediately like once you recognize okay these are the changes I want to
make and you start doing them you start lending your energy toward that that's
when you start to respect yourself more and care about yourself more and take
yourself more serious and appreciate yourself and all the self-esteem like I
said just pours in it's in the actions and sometimes it's not even the actions
sometimes the self-esteem can pour in by taking on a new perspective like a
couple of things that I shared in the different ways that I broke them down
just seeing a new perspective of yourself and seeing if it's true how
other people see you or not like with me not feeling interesting just taking on
that new perspective and understanding that they're ******* boring not me
self-esteem is gonna pour right in but the same thing comes from the actions so
all the self-esteem is just sitting there waiting for you but you have to
get clear on what you're worried about people think of you that's hurting
your self-esteem and you'll see what you need to change and then you put your
ass behind it and you're gonna feel real good and the biggest reason I call this
the self-esteem mindset is because you're looking for ways and doing things
to stop damaging your self-esteem like you're looking for the thoughts that are
damaging it and you're looking for the actions that are damaging it and making
you feel bad about yourself and you're flipping them this is the new mindset
you need for self-esteem it's always there and accessible to you it's just
how you're gonna achieve it and access it how you're gonna access that
increased self-esteem it's either a new perspective or it's an action so get
started there are still some tickets left to my tour happening in January of
2024 if you want a ticket I'll put the link in the description a couple of the
shows have already sold out but we added two more one more in San Diego and one
more in Phoenix and for everybody who's pissed off that I'm not coming to your
city yet this is just the first leg of the tour in 2024 like we're gonna plan
our next locations after the first round so there's a lot more places coming so
don't stress I'm gonna come everywhere and hug everybody okay you'll get your
chance but that is all I've got for this week's episode about your new
self-esteem mindset if you enjoyed this video leave it a thumbs up and if you're
here on YouTube and you're new subscribe damn it I put out all kind of videos
like this that's gonna help you a whole bunch if you're listening to the audio
version on Apple podcast and Spotify you know the drill babe five stars for
increased self-esteem trust soon as you hit the five star button and submit it
you're gonna feel better about yourself promise I will leave the link in the
descriptions all of my social media also with tour tickets like I said my app my
merch which is going away very soon it might go away like in a couple of days
after this video is posted but a relaunch and like a rebrand is coming in
December so don't stress more stuff's coming and it's so much better but links
to everything you need for me it will be down below don't forget to add me on
snapchat I'd be doing like daily vlogs or like daily type stuff on there but
that's just Leo Skeppy like I said in the description everything you need
everybody be safe take care of yourself and I will talk to you guys next Sunday