"What's Wrong With Your Parents?"

[Music] Brought to you by Chom, a budget-friendly, faith-based alternative to health insurance. ch ministries.org/budget. >> So my basic question is, how do I get my brother to stop taking advantage of my parents? Um, so context and background is that he is 35 years old. And essentially what his current kind of like plan or like lifestyle is, he just like saves up a bunch of money um while he's living at home with them for free and then he'll like go on a trip internationally. And then once he runs out of money, he comes back and he doesn't have anywhere to go. So he just moves back in with my parents again. But meanwhile, he takes advantage of them and like uses their materials for his business. He uses their stuff and he's also disrespectful all at the same time. I've talked to my parents about this. I mostly talk to my parents about this. So, I mostly get their side of the story, but basically I >> Why have they not stopped this then? >> That's what I've been trying to get them to >> I'm asking you I'm asking you why. What's wrong with your parents? They will not. They love their son too much. They won't >> No, that's not love. That's not love. >> Yeah, that's true. >> This is giving a drunk a drink. That's enabling. It's not love. >> 100%. I'm And so that's what I'm wanting help with is I've talked to them about it and I've been very straightforward and blunt with them and I've told them, you know, like if you are not willing to set those boundaries, then it could cost you the relationship. And so I guess they're not listening to me. I'm wondering if I can talk to my brother specifically and he can coach me on how to help him. >> No. >> Okay. >> Your brother's a parasite. They don't listen. >> 100%. >> Yeah. >> So, it's >> Well, he doesn't have any problems. >> I know. >> Your parents are the one that has a problem. Your brother has no problems. He He Life is good for your brother. >> I know. >> Yeah. Why would he? But your parents job is to help him have some problems. Yes, I agree. So, I kind of sit in this middle world and I'm wondering and I I it's technically out of my control. I'm wondering if I'm wondering if there's anything that I can do to kind of help this problem. >> Well, let me flip this on you. If I if I met you and I started telling you about something that was really really bothering me, you could tell I was pretty worked up about it. And then I said to you, "But Natalie, I I have no control over it. I can't control anything about this." What would you say to me? >> Um, I mean, I guess technically you're right. So, >> what would you tell me? You could see I'm all stood up about it, but I have no control over it. What would you say to me as a good friend or a new acquaintance? What would you say? >> I guess I'm not sure. >> Sure you would. >> It's kind of frozen. Let it go. Let it go. That's it. you would just say, "Hey, you gotta move on." >> And you said, "You're sitting in the middle of this." You're not sitting in the middle of that. >> You're not sitting on the side. You're a spectator. >> You've actually put yourself emotionally in the middle. >> You have VIP seats. >> Yeah. >> To watch this crap happen. >> Yeah. >> But you're a spectator. >> Yep. >> Yeah. So, that's what that's what I'm hating is I hate watching my parents. >> It is really painful to watch people you love do stupid things. >> Yeah. >> Let me tell you what I would do on this situation. And this is like me walking in the living room and my wife and daughter are watching The Bachelor. I just keep on walking. >> I don't stop, you know? I already know what >> gets sucked in. >> Well, I just know how awful that show is and how it makes me feel. And I feel dumber every second that I watch it. >> My brain cells just die progressively. But if I sit there and I watch it and I keep griping to Stacy and Josie about it, it's not helping me or them cuz they're not going to stop watching. >> They don't they don't stop. >> So, um, yeah, the only thing I could think of is this. Anytime I'm trying to influence someone, the only thing I can do there there's three possible angles. Your brother's not is zero chance. Okay? I would not bother with him at all. What he needs is a good butt kicking and you're not in a position to do that. Okay. So, he needs he needs his butt kicked into the street and into a job and into grown-up land. And uh that's what you know, he's like >> he's um you know, Peter Pan. He just never grew up, right? So, um failure to launch. So, now how do you deal with mom and dad? Number one, I would just tell mom and dad a story about one time that I was doing something and say, you know, I did this, I did this, I did this. And you know, when I got out on my own, I felt so much better than when you guys were supporting me. >> I felt better about myself. And so, I don't think I don't think my brother feels good about himself cuz I think y'all are harming him. >> Uh, and so you you could say something like, "I don't think it's going to do any good though cuz I think your parents are spineless." >> Yeah. Enablers are the nicest spineless people you will ever meet. >> When I have been an enabler, it's cuz I was too freaking chicken to deal with the deal. Instead, I just throw money at it and that's enabling. And I've done that myself and it's just I'm always ashamed of myself when I do it because you don't help the people involved. You actually hurt them. And that's what your parents are bringing great harm to your brother because they've malformed his character in the process and it's their fault. All he did was just take the path of least resistance. That's all he did. >> So the second thing I would do is ask yourself who would they listen to? >> True. brother that they trust, uncle that they trust, pastor that they trust, >> his old army >> sergeant that he trusts. I don't know who who who would that and and talk to that person and say, would you go talk to them cuz I can't get through to them. >> Mhm. >> And then the third thing I'm going to do is I'm just going to pray, God, mess them up. Mess this up, Lord. Cause a chaos over there. Let the basement where brother lives flood, Lord. Yes. >> Break his car, Lord. You know. >> Yeah. Lord, Lord, bring some problems to this situation, please, God. >> And just pray pray hell down on them. And it's just I'm serious cuz that's that's what's going to something is going to bust here. And I around Ramsey, even when we're working on projects, we always say, "Break it before it's broken." And I'm just going to ask God, "Break this before it gets broken cuz it's going to get broken. It's going to go sideways. It's going to be ugly when it does. And it'd be better off sooner than later. >> Yeah. I My guess is your parents are afraid of him. You mentioned that he's disrespect. Yeah. I just >> physically. >> He hasn't been physical with them, but he has broken stuff in the household before. >> I'll call the police on him. >> Yeah. They're But they're more afraid not of harm. I think they're afraid that he's going to abandon them. I When When you see parents that are enabling, I've seen this so many times. there is a fear that the child is going to abandon them and reject them. And so you're saying yes. So you've seen this. So I'm only pointing this out because u to Dave's point, it's going to take a really special person with real real authentic leverage in their life to get them to see that this is what's going on, >> that they're act, you know, >> they're terrified of her words. The best I've ever done with an enabler is to convince the enabler that they're actually doing harm because they think they're doing good. >> That's right. Well, they think they're avoiding something bad when what they're doing is creating. >> I can't put them out. He'll be homeless. Right. >> Praise God. >> Right. Yeah. It's It reminds me of the prodal. >> Don't let them eat. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. It's like the Bible and stuff. >> Yeah. Let them go and then when they come back, have a nice robe and create a feast. But at some point, the fear of what their life is going to turn out uh or turn into is got to be bigger than the fear of them being mad at you. And that's a really, by the way, I don't say that flippantly. No, >> that's a tough choice. >> You get to ask that if you're raising teenagers, you have to ask that question every morning. That's right. >> You know, I have to explain to them, listen, my job here is not to be not to make you happy. My job here is not to be your friend. My job here is not to be the cool dad because I didn't sign up for that one either. My job is to raise you into a good adult >> so you can leave. That's my job. And then when you leave, you can come back when you bring grandbabies. This is how the work world works. Okay? And so um but you cannot live in my basement and make grandbabies. It doesn't work that way. So you need to leave otherwise we don't get grandbabies. This is so and I have to train you in how to do that. So you have to brush your teeth so you have some. You have to take your test and get grades so that you can get a job and make money so you can bring back grandbabies. This Yeah, this is the there's a goal here. It's a circle of life, >> desired future, right? >> Christian Healthcare Ministries can save your family hundreds of dollars on healthcare every month. Learn more at chmin ministries.org/budget. /budget.