i can't work a 9-5 job...feels like i'm dying

I can't work a nine-to-five job. Anytime I've ever tried, I started to legitimately lose my mind. Like, I've worked so many different types of jobs. I've worked at U-Haul before. I've worked at a call center. I've worked from home. I've done sales. I've done customer service. I've done real estate. I've done food service jobs, retail. I've done it all. Like, I've worked so many different types of jobs. Sometimes this job I might last nine months, this one two weeks, three months here, one day here. I've never lasted at a job longer than one year. I just can't do it. I legitimately can't do it. And anytime I've ever tried to express this feeling to people that jobs aren't for me, people look at me crazy. Like, I'm lazy, and like, I need to suck it up, and that's just life. Newsflash, that's not just ******* life. If it was just life, there wouldn't be people who are doing whatever they want to do all the time. There wouldn't be the rich people. There wouldn't be people who are free. I feel like so many people are stuck. They're in, like, this box. I don't want to use the word matrix because I'm not trying to be cringe like Andrew Tate. Speaking of him, I just want to go on a little rant real quick. I'll see people online like him who say life isn't about being happy. Life isn't about, like, enjoying what you want to do, and it's just work, work, work. It's just grinding. What the ****? This isn't like caveman days where you're just doing ---- just to do it. Like, we live in a time where you have the ability to love what you do and be able to actually make it work. Why would I want to do something I don't like? Why would I want to hate my life? Somebody could give me $500,000 and say, here, work this nine-to-five job for the next 60 years. **** you. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it because it's not about the money for me. It's never been about the money. I want freedom. I want happiness. That's what this ---- is all about. Why would I want to make my life miserable and spend 70% of my life at a job? I even hated school. Like, as a kid, I remember starting school, whether it was at 7 a.m. or 8 a.m., 6 a.m., leaving at 3, 4, 5, whatever. And I'm looking around, and I'm like, does anybody else not see how crazy this is? Like, what are we actually doing right now? I'm learning about this bullshit that I know won't matter. When I ask the teacher, when am I going to use this in real life, they can't give me an answer. I knew it was bullshit from the beginning, but it was like I was a kid, and all I have to do is get the grades, or else I'm going to get in trouble at home. That's what life was. So now as an adult, as an adult who's able to finally make decisions, I'm looking at the cycle basically repeat itself, where instead of it being school, it's work. And people are like, just do it. Anytime I try to tell people I can't work a job, they don't understand where I'm coming from. I'm not doing it. **** a job. I can't, I can't do it. I've tried anything and everything to make it work. I've tried drugs like antidepressants and ADHD meds. It doesn't matter. Trying to make myself normal, right? Trying to, trying to make sure I can just work the job like everybody else. No. I need to accept that this is who I am, right? And that's fine. And I shouldn't feel guilty about this is who I am. I shouldn't feel guilty about that. Like, okay, you can work your regular job and you can be fine with it. Not me, not me. I don't care. I live alone. I have bills, right? I have to pay my rent. I have to pay my car insurance. I have to pay my credit card bills. I have so many bills, but I'd rather be uncertain about where my money's going to come from than have to work a job that I hate. It doesn't matter. I don't care about the money. I want autonomy over who I am. A great example of that is my last job. I just, I just quit my last job. I started my, my new job like a month ago and it was working fine. I was, you know, telling my parents about it, having conversations with my dad. Everybody was saying like, yeah, this is finally good. Like you're finally like going somewhere and you're doing something. And, and I was like, and then I'm working there and like, I'm starting to like, just get the feelings that I always get when I have a job where it's just like, I don't want to go to work. And it's like, when I get off of work, I have no energy left and I'm dreading like bedtime. Cause I know as soon as I wake up, I have to get right back in front of my computer and begin working on dumb ---- again. It was a sales job. So I'm sitting here calling people on the phone and my manager is nitpicking and micromanaging and telling me what I can and can't do. And I can't do that. I can't have somebody tell me what to do. So that anger was just building up and I just said, **** this. I finished my shift that day and I just stopped showing up. And my manager was like emailing me, sending me messages like, where are you? Like, did you put your PTO in? Did you request time off? **** you. Like that just reinforced my idea of why am I allowing somebody else to be in control of my life? Like this dude who I don't even know is literally texting me saying, where are you at? You're supposed to be in work. You're supposed to, I'm not supposed to nothing. I'm not supposed to do anything. Like I refuse to be told what to do. I refuse to be at the mercy of another person. I can't do it. I won't do it. That's not, that's not why I was put on this earth. I feel like I'm different for a reason and I'm not trying to make it seem like I'm the chosen one or anything, but I legitimately feel like there's a reason I am who I am. Like look around, there's people who are in the Olympics, people who are famous streamers, people who are in the NBA, people who are musicians, people who are models. These people don't work regular jobs. These people were molded for something specific and I feel like people who feel like this, people who feel like me, I feel like you are one of those people. You're one of those people who could become something so special with the gifts that you have and naturally your body is telling you that you're not meant for the ordinary and so many people just give in. So many people just follow the script of what's already written for them, the blueprint of life where you're just supposed to get good grades, where you're just supposed to get into college and go live on campus and get into debt and you're just supposed to get that job and you're just supposed to marry that girl and start this family. You're just supposed to live at your, in your hometown forever and you're just supposed to retire at 75. I refuse and I feel like a lot of other people, they know this but they can't make that leap. They can't make that step because most people are one decision away from their lives changing forever and I've seen it firsthand. I've been somebody who's had it all and lost it all and I know how to get to the top of that mountain and this time I just won't lose it. Most of you probably don't know who I am but like five years ago, four years ago, I had a large following on TikTok. I was making money. I had fans. I had people who loved me and I threw it all away and a part of me regrets it but a part of me knows that like at that time, that was the right decision because it just wasn't right for me. It didn't feel right. I listened to what my body felt, you know? So I know it's possible. I know if I set my eyes on something that I know I want to do, I know it's possible to get to that mountain top. I just have to know how to maintain it. So I know that people are legitimately one decision away from their lives changing forever but they can't make that decision. I feel like you have to go all in because me personally, I'd rather die than work a nine to five job. I can't do it. I'd rather die. Like it's just not worth doing. I legitimately start to get so depressed and I start to lose my mind and nothing in life is enjoyable anymore and I start to dread just existing and I feel like if you have that feeling, instead of saying there's something wrong with me and I need therapy or there's something wrong with me and I need a drug or there's something wrong with me, maybe there's nothing wrong with you but you're just doing the wrong thing. Maybe you just shouldn't be working that job. Maybe you shouldn't be going down this life path and I feel like you have to step outside of what everybody else is doing. **** society. **** the expectations. **** people who are telling you what you can and can't do what you should do if it's not meant for you. You know what's meant for you. You know what feels natural but a lot of people don't feel like it's possible. It is possible especially with the internet. This isn't 1975 where unless your dad is a millionaire or you're a nepo baby, then that's the only way you'll make it far and every other person has to go to school and just but today we live in a time where the internet birthed the most amazing people that we would have never seen before. Somebody could just post a tiktok online of them lip syncing to a video, some music, a music video and some modeling agency sees it and their life is changed forever. Somebody could decide I'm going to go start this clothing company. I'm going to go market it and promote it on these social media pages and their life could change forever. We live in a time where you could legitimately do whatever you want to do if you just know what it is and stick to it. So **** a job if it's not meant for you. That's all I gotta say. That's all I gotta say. Just like **** a job.