Sandwich Night at My Show ｜ Ian Bagg Stand Up Comedy)

Civil War! Mama like a pickle sandwich. Sit down buddy, I'm trying to do a big show. Did you go downstairs and order a sandwich? Is that what you did? F**k it, I do need a turkey and Swiss. You went down there and you ordered a ******* 12 inches of ******* delicious sandwich to go. What's your favorite kind of sandwich there, fella? I feel like you're a sandwich dandy gay. Whatever. That's how you end up with tuna. Whatever, next thing you know you're having ******* tuna salad in front of all your friends. And they're like, what stains in here? F**king Johnny said whatever. You gotta pick your sandwich, otherwise you got a ******* stinky fish sandwich in your ******* face. You gotta remember that. Write that down, ******* put it in your pocket, take that home. That is a little bit of advice from ******* this guy right here. Hello! Are you with somebody or are you just ******* doubly drinking? I can't tell, I can't tell. Strong beard by the way, ******* strong beard. Maybe you'll get the sides one day. He's got a little broom, he's just got a little broom hanging off his face. Welcome back, ma'am. We didn't believe you existed, but you do. What kind of sandwich do you like, ******* what kind of sandwich do you like? Pickles. What? That is *******, that is awesome. Mama like a pickle sandwich. I'm guessing you grew up in a ******* poor family. What kind of sandwich are we going to get? We're going to get a pickle sandwich, because that's what we can afford, b**ch. We'll get two breads and ******* pickled cucumbers is what we want. Gotta get some vegetables for the children, some pickle juice so nobody gets cramps. Sorry, ma'am, didn't mean to make you panic. That was ******* awesome though. You ******* came right back in goddammit pickles. Those guys don't even eat, they don't ******* those guys. Those cowboys, they're not ******* having steak, they ain't having nothing. Are you real cowboys or just a couple guys with hats and a tie? Three out of four people are cowboys. Where's your hat, ma'am? You gotta be the one in the cart at the back of the horses because you didn't ******* wear a hat. How long have you been together with ******* Hattie? Three and a half years. Three and a half years? F**king loving that you know how to tell time. Most people would have gone three or four, not you. 3.5 years. Have you been to jail? God can tell by the way you told time. 3.5 years out of my four. How'd you meet him? Jail, coming out, pickle jar. Just a big pickle sandwich, ******* how you doing? Sorry, ma'am, don't hate me by the end of it. You f**k off and ******* pickle. Women snap more than men. You quit teasing me, I'm not used to this, I got a vagina. Oh, see, right there. She couldn't even take it. She couldn't even fight. Oh, she spread her legs. I like a good old, I like a good old tease. She ******* spread her legs. That lady likes finger banging. How did you two meet? I feel like you guys met in some sort of barbershop. You met at one of those, you met at a ******* puffy party? The parties you gotta be invited to, otherwise known as a birthday. A Tupperware party? You're my favorite. Tupperware party? I love that, that's ******* awesome. You gotta be invited to a Tupperware party. You just can't come over and burp things. You gotta know what you're doing before you get the air outside of dishes with ******* lids. Thank you, one lady knows how to Tupperware. One lady clap for me. Oh yes, this man knows the Tupperware. I put a lot of pickles in Tupperware, I don't know if you know that. Oh, you guys got pickles, is that what happened? Hey, what you eating? That's ******* hilarious. That's how you thought of ******* coming back. Hey girl, what you having? No, I was talking to him about sandwiches and he's like, I don't care, just give me one. And then you came back and you're like, ******* pickles. Meanwhile, that guy ******* had to be invited to meet her *******... I thought it was an intervention, turned out it was a Tupperware party. Surprise! Oh, you motherf**kers, I wrote a letter so he wouldn't drink anymore. Nope, just trying to ******* sell plastic dishes. Did you just nod like... I see your point, but I prefer you moved on. What suburbs do you guys live in? We're kind of from opposite ends. You're from opposite ends? Fort Worth and Arlen. Fort Worth and Arlen? Garland. Garland, Arlen's ******* king of the hill. I live in a king of the hill, I live in a cartoon world. She lives in ******* hell, otherwise known as Fort Worth. Oh, ******* didn't see your little rat tail on the back, ******* love it. Oh, it's part of your glasses, I thought... Not that you're all ******* not looking gangster, then you ******* turn that around, you're like *******... ******* Chicano. F**king awesome. You got me, buddy, you ******* got me. I see how he got you, man, he knows how to *******... He knows how to make a person curious, right? You're like, what's going on with this motherf**ker? Boom, he's a bad boy. And then boom, he's not a bad boy. F**king what do I do? I'm all ******* twisted inside. I don't understand what's going on. F**k God, I'm driving 24 miles to see him. Keeps me guessing. What's that? Keeps me guessing. Keeps you guessing, that's ******* good in a relationship. This lady over here just ******* pickles. He doesn't have to guess, he knows. I'm going down to get some gherkins. Those are little pickles, just to let you know. We met at a party you had to be invited to. I feel like you were a bully in high school by the way you said that. You can't come to this party, you're not invited. It's Tupperware party in a pool. Sorry, you were busy eating and I ******* was talking to you, I apologize. I was eating out of Tupperware. You were eating out of Tupperware? That's ******* awesome. Guy brought his own macaroni and ******* salad. It was good enough for me to meet a girl. It was good enough for me to watch comedy, b**ch. You like a good macaroni salad? Bah! I love it. It's a Yankee thing? Oh my God, I had no idea that's what they were trying to take over the South with. I thought it was all about slavery. Turns out it's all about ******* macaroni salad. F**king South was all like, we're going to have potato. F**king North was like, no way you son of a b**ch. F**king Confederates. America's about ******* macaroni. And they're all like, no, it's about potato salad. Civil War. Boom. Just very friendly. Meanwhile, black people *******, they got the best potato salad and the best macaroni salad. That's what it was for the love of black people. F**king macaroni and cheese and macaroni potato ******* salad. Is there any black people here? Holy s**t, I just noticed it's a very... At the back, that is ******* bulls**t. You probably have the best potato salad. How long have you been black? It was a weird way of asking how old you are. I love it. What's your name? What's your name? Hold on, what the f**k? Somebody, there's another black guy. Another black guy that thinks I'm talking to him. Or was it a white guy that recognized you? Holy f**k, is that Ray? Ray, is your name Ray? Jeremy. Jeremy? Really? I did not see that coming. Was your mom a big Pearl Jam fan? Thank you, thank you white people. All these white people here are laughing. That guy's too busy thinking about ******* macaroni. That goddamn Yankee thing. Jeremy? What's that? Pretty sure that's not your name. You're not answering. I just said Jeremy three times and he's looking at me. Who the f**k is Jeremy? My name's Ray. A lot more? You got a lot more? Nah. You live in an apartment? Nah. Don't tell me how you do it. I'm just gonna *******, in my head you've got a goat. You got three goats out front and that's how you *******, Jeremy's goat and supply. I feel like you don't mow all your lawn. I feel like most of your lawn's ******* mowed and then there's just this one patch that sticks out that's much longer than the other. It's a landed strip for your ******* lawnmower. Just get the sides, motherf**ker. Does he use it as a broom? Does he go, F**k off of my lawn. Best ******* Tupperware party I ever went to, meeting him. My God. What's that? He doesn't mow his lawn? Cowboys over there. That motherf**ker don't mow his lawn. I'll bet my ******* F-350 on that s**t. Look at them all ******* high-fiving because I know. You ever go three wide in the ******* cab with all those hats? No room. No room. I ******* love your hat. Two hats and a girl. I don't know what's going on, but I'm pretty sure the rest of the country calls that an Eiffel Tower. You guys got something different in Texas. You got two hats and a girl, motherf**ker. That's what you got. You ******* Yankees can call it an Eiffel Tower all you want. It's how it's gonna be. Two hats and a girl. Anyways. What kind of sandwich do you like? Two hats and a girl. Who said that? I like that kind of sandwich. Lots of meat. How long have you guys been together? A couple? A year? How did you meet her? Tupperware party? Silverware party? Remember there was a day you didn't know her and there was a day you did? What happened? Do you guys know how they met? Have they ever told you how they met? They had their chance to tell. You guys tell it. You tell the story. Alright. They f**ked in Miami. They f**ked in Miami? Jesus Christ. There was nothing before that? There wasn't even a hello? Holy s**t, I'm ******* nine inches in. I gave you a huge cock there, buddy. I would have said ******* five, four. I just ******* gave him a nine-incher because he's in Miami. He's probably wearing those ******* budgie smugglers. Those little *******. Those little bathing suits. He's got a big old slang on him ******* showing it off. Yeah, come on. Welcome to Florida. I don't need no ******* needle. I got a big cock. I'll use that as a snorkel. Swim in my back. I'll survive. That's a great story. It's going to be a good one for the kids. Well, I was ******* this girl and I looked at her and I said, Hi, my name is Cheryl. She said, I'm Sheila. And then we went it up back in Dallas. Would you like to say more about it? Was there something before the *******? Is everybody else thinking the same thing? What kind of party that they were at? You were just ******* somebody that you didn't know and said, Hey, how you doing? Look at my pickle. Jesus Christ. This is the biggest pickle you'll ever see. This ain't no ******* dilly. Oh my God. Those people are getting hammered. They're ******* drinking clear. What is that? What is it? Vodka? Oh my God. Russians. What's that? Tears and soda? Tito's and soda. I enjoy tears and soda better. That's the ******* most Russian response ever. It's tears and soda. Good for you guys. Getting hammered. Careful, your friend's already ******* spread her legs once. I know how that guy meets women. He could be over here ******* her before he even introduces himself. Look, I'm about to give you some different kind of tears. I'm going to get you on the eye now. Oh my God. Is everybody in here had gum in the eye? That's ******* bizarre. Does nobody wear safety goggles in this ******* town? You've got to be ready. You're going to f**k that table? Get the f**k out of here. She mad? She's not mad at you? No. Sorry, buddy. I'm not mad at you. I want you guys to break up on your own accord, not because of me. I don't want to be the catalyst to ******* you having to go to another party and introducing yourself to somebody. Halfway through an orgasm. My name's Brett. Pretty good story. I've heard a lot of stories. How'd you meet? We was *******. And I said, I'm coming around the other side of the glory hole to see who's there. Boom. It was a girl. I was shocked and surprised. That is not who I expected. I was ******* as happy as can be. I'd like two eggs and a ******* girl. Cowboys. Get a photo with you guys. You can put it on your horse. F**king ride it around. Remember the good times. We really laughed that night, didn't we? Sure did, man. Sure did.