Trevor Noah_ Why You Should NEVER Complain About South Africa _ Comedy Stand Up

I don't complain anymore. I genuinely don't. Because I've learned, you complain everywhere in the world. Like when you travel, you realize how many people complain everywhere in the world. South Africa seems like we're crashing. Until you go to other places and they seem like they're crashing. I went to the UK. You think the UK is having a fantastic time. South Africa is like, oh that's my dream. That's my dream. If I can just go to the UK. Ah, the UK. Ah, wonderful place. Ah, I just need to go there. The motherland. Ah, just to touch the ground of my home. Ah, so it's not that great. People in the UK are suffering. They're having their own poverty. Old people are dying because they can't put in their heaters during the winter. This is what's happening in the UK. The Great Britain. People are suffering all over the world. In America, they're complaining. They're going, there's racism at the highest level. Segregation. Black people being shot by police. People are complaining everywhere. I go, we have our problems. At least I understand them. I don't complain, you know. I'm not saying people shouldn't complain. People will complain. People, like white people will always complain. We know this, you know. No, and this is because white people are good at complaining. You have it in your blood. You see it from white people. Like when they're born, they have it. Like white babies don't cry the same. Other babies are crying. White babies are like, why? Why? White people have it in their blood. It's part of who white people are. It's just the thing. It's not a bad thing. It's just the thing, you know. White people are so good at complaining. They've got different techniques of complaining. It's not just one style of complaining. Some of them will complain on Facebook. You know, some of them will complain on 702. My favorite type of complaining white people do is the silent complaint. That's my favorite. The silent breathing complaint. That's the best one ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just breathe out really hard. I love that. You see them everywhere just doing it. The best is it almost multiplies by more than what it is when two of them see each other. That's it. Like it becomes a powerful thing. I don't even understand what that is. Why do you breathe out your anger? That's all white people. That's why Cape Town is so windy. It's just so many white people at the same time. That's all it is. But I've learned people complain overseas. I understand everyone complains. You know what I hate though? Is when someone complains about my country. I hate that more than anything in the world. Yeah. Because you know what? There may be problems, but it's my country. As my mom always said, this is my, I'll solve it myself. That's how I work. Because I was in the UK and this guy, we had a conversation. Started nicely. And then we took a left turn. In the middle of the conversation, he goes, he goes, yeah, yeah, that's really interesting. But you know what your problem is, Trevor? You know what your problem is in South Africa? You know what your problem is? So now you'll tell me, won't you? So yeah, I'll tell you, Trevor. I'll tell you what your problem is. In South Africa, you've got too much crime. That's the problem. Too much bloody crime. Yeah, yeah. Crime and vuvuzelas. That's your problem. That's crazy. Like he didn't even pause when he said crime and vuvuzelas. In the same sentence. Crime. He didn't walk away. He didn't go like crime. That's the problem. Oh, you know what? And no, he went crime and vuvuzelas. Like in equal measure. These are the plagues of our nation. Like every day we battle crime. And like mothers are seeing their children leave the house going, Temba, be careful of their crime. Nama vuvuzela. Ezra, look after yourself, boy. Made it sound like every day in South Africa, people are getting shot randomly in the streets. They're like, hey! Crime and really? And vuvuzelas? When the hell did the vuvuzela become the most hated instruments in the world? I don't understand how this happened. I don't understand how we allowed this to happen to South Africans. We just bowed down to the world. They're like, oh, the vuvuzela horrible. We're like, oh, we're sorry, sorry, sorry. So no, I will not. I stand up for my vuvuzela. You know why? We don't have a vuvuzela problem. We never had a vuvuzela problem. Because before 2010, there was no vuvuzela problem. After 2010, we haven't had a vuvuzela problem since, yeah. During the World Cup, we didn't have a vuvuzela problem. We had a foreigners blowing vuvuzela problem. That's what we had. In South Africa, we should have a thing where you have to have a license to blow a vuvuzela. You can't just come here not knowing vuvuzela etiquette, blowing it randomly. The English fans, the Spanish fans, middle of the day, there they are, 9 a.m. What are you doing? It's so much fun. It's wrong. What are you doing? It's fun. But it's my dad's funeral. Yeah, but still, it lightens the mood, doesn't it? We'll miss him. Like, what the hell are you doing? These guys blew vuvuzela. Then the world was like, oh, South African vuvuzela. No, South African vuvuzela in the wrong hands. That's what it is. Vuvuzelas don't make noise. People with vuvuzelas make noise. It's the wrong people. You know who should be blowing vuvuzelas? Qualified, skilled practitioners. Chiefs and pirates supporters. That's who should be blowing vuvuzelas. Because there's never a problem with them. You watch them at those games. You watch them. There's always one guy in a corner. One guy, a mysterious man. You don't know where he's from, nor where he's going. He almost just pitches up in the stadium by himself. And there he is with his vuvuzela. He's got those little mining hats that they've designed. You know, his uniform is like the pirate's logo. But it's painted on his stomach. He doesn't wear a shirt. And you know those stomachs? Those stomachs that are hard, but it doesn't look fat. It looks like it's full of confidence. And those guys stand there and they blow their vuvuzelas. In the corner by themselves. It is the sexiest thing you've ever seen. That vuvuzela will speak to you. That guy's just there in the corner. It's so sexy. You watch that guy standing there looking like a Zulu Kenny G. How are you going to hate on the vuvuzela? That's the best instrument. The vuvuzela is us. That's the sound of Africa. That's, you know, that's what I picture out on the Serengeti. On one of those like National Geographic shows. David Attenborough commentating. And as you look out far into the distance of the African bushveld. You can vaguely make out the silhouette of the South African vuvuzela. The male vuvuzela is a stunning creature. And it is mating season now. He has roamed for kilometers searching for the perfect mate. He has found her. The two vuvuzelas slowly begin the mating ritual. The female is impressed. She assumes the position as the male slowly mounts her. And they begin procreation. The male is finished. He slowly moves away from the female. She seeks out for his approval and affection. He just wants to sleep. How are you going to hate on the vuvuzela? I love that. Hey there. Thanks for watching. Now all I need you to do is click on that little circle on your screen. Yeah, yeah, that one. Oh yeah, just like that. Hold on, hold on. I never thought I'd say this but Kim Jong-un up against Donald Trump is a strange situation because you don't know who the crazy person is. Kim Jong-un actually released a statement. The leader of North Korea, he released a statement saying Donald Trump is a psychopath. I cannot work with him. Do you know how insane that is? For him to send a message about Donald Trump. Where he's just like, guys, I'm wild, but I mean, I can't, I don't, I don't know. This guy. And Donald is crazy. People ask me all the time. They go like, Trevor, come on, you're not being serious. I meet South Africans. They go like, Trevor, come on, man. Donald can't be that crazy, man. Hey, come on. You've got to give him a bit of credit, man. Something. Guys, that guy's crazy. Then they'd be like, is he like, is he like, is he that stupid in real life? Then you're like, yeah. Then it's like, so is he like, is he stupid like Malema and them? Then I'm like, no, guys, guys. Julius is smart. Don't play those games. I know people get tricked by Julius Malema and Jacob. Those guys are smart. Especially Jacob Zuma. People get fooled by him. You know? Because he's got that cute vibe. Always giggling. That guy is a master tactician. Look now. Votes of no confidence. Survived again. People are shocked. How did he do it? If you watch Days of Our Lives, he's the Stefano DiMera of this game. Every day he wakes up looking in the mirror going, like suns through the hourglass. So are the days of our lives. And a lot of people make that mistake. I've realized a lot of people make that mistake. We think our politicians are stupid. Maybe it's because of how they speak. Maybe it's because of how they sound. You know, Jacob Zuma's smart. Jacob Zuma was the head of intelligence for the ANC during the struggle. And Jacob Zuma started the chess team on Robben Island. A lot of people don't know that. He started the chess team. Yeah. That's why he's so good with moving the cabinet around. Like that. Because he's a horse. Donald Trump is not like that. One thing I'll say about Jacob Zuma. Catch him in a corner. Ask him anything about policy. That guy will rattle it off. He may not know how to read, but he knows what he's talking about. Donald Trump has no clue about any policy whatsoever. He knows nothing about geopolitics. He knows nothing about his health care. Every time Donald Trump answers a question, you know he doesn't know the answer. Because he answers it like he's a contestant in one of his own beauty pageants. That's how he answers it. Every time you see Donald Trump on TV, you can see he's making it up as he's going along. They'll be like, Mr. President, can you tell us about your health care rollout and how pre-existing conditions are going to be covered? I know. We're gonna have so much coverage, folks. The best coverage. All the coverage. I'm gonna get it. All of it. It's gonna be so good. Great. Some people even say the best. But how is it gonna work? It's gonna work. It's just gonna work, folks. It's gonna work. It's gonna be done. I'm gonna do it. It's gonna be done. And the people in South Africa and Iraq and the countries and health and insurance. And we're gonna do all the things healthy with the money. And also, thank you. Donald Trump is losing his mind. Saying the craziest things. We're gonna build a wall. And Mexico's gonna pay for it. I love how Mexico's like, we ain't paying for ----, man. We might build your wall, but we ain't paying for it, man. Stupid. Donald Trump's just doing his own thing. Everything seems to be going wrong for him. Now he's getting ready to start a war. Launch a nuclear weapon. North Korea, they will know fire and fury. Fury and fire. Fast and furious. Tokyo drift, like no one's ever seen. This guy's gonna blow up the world, people. He's not having a good time. So I correct people all the time. I go, look, man, say what you want about Jacob Zuma. He knows his policy. Yeah, doesn't mean he's getting things right. Doesn't mean he's doing the correct things. But he knows his policy. You can't say they're the same, you know. And say what you want about Jacob Zuma. But he knows how to handle his ladies. Yeah, he doesn't have any problems there. Donald Trump walking around in public. His wife smacking his hand away. In public. Do you know how embarrassing that was? Donald Trump was there trying to hold Melania's hand. He just slapped it away. He tried to grab it and she, pop. And then the second time he tried to grab it and she just did like a little thing. And everyone was like, are they okay? Are they fighting? I was like, yeah, yeah, of course they're fighting. They're having a horrible time. Completely horrible time. And you don't even need to see the video of the hands to know that they're having a bad time. I've had a theory for a long time that Donald Trump and his wife are not in a happy relationship. And I don't want to start any rumors, but I've noticed this, you know. I've noticed it in their speeches. Every time Donald Trump or Melania speak, it seems like they're throwing shade at each other. They're giving a speech, but they're actually talking trash about the spouse. Every time, all you have to do is listen to the subtext of what they're saying. For instance, Melania Trump came out. She made a speech about her platform as first lady. In America, every first lady gets to choose what their dream job is going to be, what they're going to be doing to help the country. Michelle Obama says she's going to help kids get healthy meals and workout. Melania Trump came out and what did she choose? She came out. No one forced her and she was like, as first lady, I believe we need to fight against the cyber bullying. All of the people on the Twitter who are saying the bad things, we need to stop them. We need to make sure that they cannot carry on what they're doing. I was like, do you know your husband, lady? And now I realize she was doing it on purpose. They were having a fight. She probably got home that night, dropped her keys on the table. Donald Trump was sitting in the living room, turned on the lights. Hi, Melania. I saw what you said about me on the news. It was very not nice. Oh, hello, Donald. I didn't see you sitting over there. I thought you were watching the cartoons. You know I was watching the news, Melania. I watch all the news. Fake news. So what are you going to do about it, Donald? You want a war? You've got a war. I'm going to get you, Melania. You're going to pay. Do your worst, Donald. Oh, it's on. I'm the best at worst. The next day he came out, gave a speech. What did he say? We've got to get rid of all these immigrants, folks. All these immigrants need to leave this country. Your move, Melania. She went to a women's conference. We need to stop sexual assault. The men who are grabbing the ladies without their permission. We need to stop. I was like, yo, you guys need to sort your ---- out at home, man. And by prizes, I mean surprise. There's no prizes. It's a free YouTube video, you greedy... Just click the video, man. Why do you want free things on free things?