Netflix Shouldn’t Let Me Pitch Shows ｜ New Material Night ｜ Fahim Anwar Standup)

Yeah, Love on the Spectrum, I like that. And then I like Indian Matchmaker. That's another good one. Those are like the two popular shows. I think they should merge them into like a super show. Just Indian Matchmaking on the Spectrum. He's like, she needs to be into dinosaurs. She's a deal breaker, she needs to be into Tyrannosaurus Rex. I'm sorry. I can do that accent because my parents are from Afghanistan and that's kind of close. It's closer than a white guy doing it, so I get grandfathered in. Proximity. Sometimes I forget, like Joe's a great guy. He's done a lot for me. You forget he's bigger than comedy, he's bigger than stand-up comedy. He's like so big that like other comedians will start doing jujitsu because they think that'll close the gap between them and Joe. Like I'm that much closer. If he knows I roll, game over. I want to get so big as a comic, just like I start flying kites and like other comics. Oh, you fly? Yeah, I've always flown kites. Yeah, there's a big kite. I'm a kite head. No, I guess I could open for you if you want. Oh yeah, I was thinking, sometimes I'll hear the argument like there's no white terrorists, you know? There's really no white terrorists. I think it's because like, I don't think white people have the patience for terrorism. You know what I mean? Like white people get angry and then they just, they want like instant gratification. Like they want to pull the trigger and just scratch that itch right here, right now. Like a terrorist gets angry and goes, not yet. Like he sees big picture. It's delayed gratification, you know? I mean, take your emotions out of it. It is kind of impressive to be that angry and like bury that and like go to another country and like learn the language and then learn how to fly. Like you're taking classes for months. You're like, all right, see you tomorrow. Like you still have this rage inside of you and you're just hiding it for like six months to learn how to do all this stuff. And then when push comes to shove, you have to be able to like hit like crunch time, hit the target. Like I couldn't, if that was me, I would like, it'd be too much pressure and I would like fly between the buildings. Like, ah, ****. Osama's gonna be so mad. ****, ****. Shit. I can't come home now. I would just have like DB Cooper out of it and just start a new life as a Mexican or something. I like to lose the crown early and then it's a little old standup technique. No sound and then lose them early. I'm a real pro, guys. Boyfriend vapes. I have one vape joke. It was, I'm gonna do it. Let's hear it. Don't doubt yourself, do it. I know you're fake on the fence about it. Let's hear it. I appreciate the enthusiasm. You got to me before I could do the faux humility. Like, I don't know. Do it. Okay, it was an impression of like a millennial walking out on his family. So he goes, I'm gonna go get some Juul pods. Instead of cigarettes? Come on, guys. So I don't do it anymore. Oh yeah. You're like, I retract it. You shouldn't have done it. Why'd you do it? I went to the dermatologist, you know, I'll like get checked for moles every year. This joke is grosser and grosser. I get checked for moles. But like some dermatologists, it's like a hybrid. It'll be like, you know, that type of dermatology, but then it's also a plastic surgery clinic. And the receptionist is like too close to the candy store, you know, because she'll be like, well, let's make your next appointment. How does October sound for you? Does October, like, you're too close to it. Like if plastic surgery was that easy and you know the doctor, he's like, yeah, I'll do it for 50%, sure. You'll get the discount. I want to do this. I like to do hypotheticals with the audience sometimes. Okay, so, this is my number one favorite. This guy's game. So I need an audience member to suck my dick. I'm not gay, I just, I'm crowd participant. He needs me. He needs me, dude. No one else is stepping up to the challenge. My boyfriend, he needed me. Yeah. All right, here's the hypothetical. Okay, think about Stevie Wonder, you know, like would you, all the accolades that he's had, the illustrious career, you know, all the Grammys and ----. Would you, would you do that? Would you be him? Would you trade places or would you see? You could be him in his prime, but you can't see. Would you trade, like given the highest heights and all the accolades he's had, would you be you now or would you trade places with Stevie Wonder in his prime? The fact that it's hard for you just tells you how dope seeing is. The fact that you have to like, I'll get back to you on that one. What's your living situation? I'm just curious. Like a one bedroom house? One bedroom? One bedroom in Hollywood. What do you drive? Ford. Ford, okay. One bedroom Ford. I don't know if I want to trade places with Stevie Wonder. It's just interesting. It's an interesting thought experiment. Don't tell Stevie that, you know? Be like, it's not that great. I saw a movie. What is a movie? It's like a book, but it's like a book that tells you what you're envisioning. **** movies. So I have a girlfriend, you know? And like, I don't really watch sports and I don't think she understands how good she has it. I don't watch sports really at all. So anytime she wants me to like work on myself or do something, part of me wants to be like, do you want me to start watching college football? I'm about to blow up our Saturdays and Sundays. Is it this important to you? She's like, why are you depressed? I'm like, my team lost. So I'm going to be sad for a week. I still understand. My brother, he loves sports. And like when the Seahawks lose, he's like, okay, I'm going to kill myself. He's like a dentist and lives a great life. And he's like, this is bullshit. He's like Googling bridges. I'm like, dude, your life is good. No, it's just *******, you know, our whole line is bullshit. Like, you know you don't work for the team, right? You know, when people have heart problems, like one of the symptoms will be impending doom, which to me is funny that that's a symptom. You know, most symptoms are like sweating or like fatigue. Like impending doom just sounds like some ---- that the Joker would say to Batman. Like, oh, why'd you come in today? You know, I've just been really tired lately. And then, I don't know, I have this overwhelming feeling that the city will be brought to its knees. Oh yeah, we've been getting a lot of that. I'm going to prescribe this for you. I'm going to prescribe a Batarang for you. So the other day I read this article about a woman who got pregnant with twins, but from different fathers. Cause she, okay, she had sex with a guy earlier in the day. And then later in the day, she had sex with another guy. And like, it's this anomaly where she released two eggs. So she's having twins, but they're like two different dads. That's gotta be like weird conversations, right? She's like, I'm pregnant. And the guy's like, ****, I want to keep it. Like, I want to do the right thing. And she's like, yeah, it's twins. He's like, oh my God, that's so great. And she's like, yeah, about that. One of them is yours. I **** this guy later after you. And that one is actually his. And then she has to have that same conversation with guy number two. Like, I fucked this guy earlier before you. So one of them is yours. But all the iterations are just weird. Like, what if one of them wants it and one of them doesn't want it? She's like, can you guys do like a half abortion? What if both want it? Like, I talked to the other guy. We want to raise this family, me, him, and you. Then that kid at school is like, you have two dads? Like, are they gay? No, my mom fucked one guy earlier. And then she fucked another guy later. Hey, slugger. They're a frupple now.