Big Bang Theory' But It’s Just Nonstop Roasting

Boys. Ahoy, matey. Noticed the eye patch, did you? It's all part of a technique I've been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable. Oh yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage, or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters. Or in this case, the bar mitzvah boy with pink eye. Mock me if you will, but it works. You show up at a club in something distinctive, scope out your target, and toss out some negs. What are negs? A neg is a negative compliment that throws a pretty woman off her game. Like, normally I'm not turned on by big teeth, but on you they work. I got a whole list of them. Who wants to be my wingman? You're not gonna need a wingman. You're gonna need a paramedic. Howard, your scooter's blocking my car. Oh, did you get pink eye again? Step one, she notices the eye patch. May I say, Penny, not a lot of women could look as hot as you do with such greasy hair. Yeah, just move your stupid scooter before I pick it up and throw it in the dumpster. Ow. My new book, The Hidden Reality, takes on a grand question. Is our universe the only universe? You see, there's a growing belief among scientists like me that ours may only be one among many universes populating a gigantic cosmos. In The Hidden Reality, I explore this possibility without presuming any knowledge of mathematics or physics on the part of the reader. Hysterical. I'm glad you talked me into this. We work so hard. Sometimes it's nice to goof off and do something silly. Agreed. Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you're in a comedy club. You can think about Heisenberg's uncertainty principle much like the special order menu that you find in a certain Chinese restaurant where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B. And if you order the first dish in column A, you can't order the corresponding dish in column B. That's sort of like the uncertainty principle. Ba-dum-bum. Say, I heard an interesting tidbit about Howard and Bernadette. Really, Amy? Gossip? I'm disappointed in you. No, no. Evolutionary biologist Robin Dunbar has identified gossip as an aid to social bonding in large groups. Forgive my language, but poppycock. What if he's right, and by not participating in gossip, society breaks down into small feral bands of tattooed motorcycle riders fighting to the death over the last few cans of tuna fish? Fine. In the parlance of the urban music scene, what's the 411? Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard. I believe our nation's tuna cans are safe. Excuse me. Dr. Green, question? Yes. You've dedicated your life's work to educating the general populace about complex scientific ideas. Yes, in part. Have you ever considered trying to do something useful? Perhaps reading to the elderly? Excuse me? But not your books. Something they might enjoy. Of course. Big fan. Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash? Well, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter. But Occam's razor would suggest that someone threw it out. It's from the Institute for Experimental Physics. They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bose-Einstein condensates. I know. I read it before I threw it out. If I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out? Because I have no interest in standing in the rose room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgmental strangers who wouldn't recognize true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech. Which if I were there, it would be. I don't know, Sheldon. Forget the parties? Forget the parties? What a nerd. Are there any other honors I've gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it? Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets. The only thing missing from that insult was your mama. Hey, Leonard, your mama's research methodology is so flawed. Shut up, Howard. Sheldon, we have to do this. No, we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is optional. Okay, let me put it this way. I'm doing it. You can't. I'm the lead author. Come on. The only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically. I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You're welcome. Excuse me? I designed the experiment to prove the hypothesis. It doesn't need proving. So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word? They're not supposed to, but they should. I don't care what you say. I'm going to the conference and I'm presenting our findings. And I forbid it. You forbid it? If I'm not taking credit for our work, then nobody is. So you admit that it's our work? No. Once again, I'm throwing you a bone. And once again, you are welcome. Oh, no, he didn't. Uh-oh. That's Priya. Sitar music for a ringtone is not cool, dude. Hey, sweetie. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm going to be working late. I miss you, too. Okay, sure. I'll call you when I get home. Okay, bye-bye. Very nice. You lied to my sister. That's the nicest thing he does to your sister. Guess who? A cover for me. Hello, Priya. What's up? How would I know if Leonard's at work or not? Don't be suspicious. Look, if you want your relationship with Leonard to continue, you're going to have to believe whatever wild-eyed, cockamamie excuse the white devil has the nerve to offer you. Okay? Yeah, bye-bye. You woo me. I don't see anything. What was that? My stomach. Indian food doesn't agree with me. Ironic, isn't it? Elevator shaft. Help me open it. You can't go down an empty elevator shaft. Fine. If you don't want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet, and I'll take possession of your fantastic four. Let's open her up. Are you bothered that I can so easily manipulate you? Don't push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was 13, and I remember a good deal of it. A real... Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister, and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies, or the classic why are you hitting yourself? Ooh, big talk from a man who was once treated by a chicken. Doesn't bug you when they go out on dates? They're not dating. They're just two friends who went out to dinner. And then went back to the home they share where they probably fell asleep in the matching pajamas she got them because they both just love penguins. Lots of people wear matching pajamas who aren't dating. Like who? Like you and your dog. Don't rule out the dating. Fine, it bothers me. You happy? You think you've got problems? The Gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape. How is this helpful? All the non-human apes are classified as great apes except one. That means Taxonomous created the entire category of lesser ape just to single out the poor Gibbon as the weird kid on the playground. Now there's a hairy little fella with a genuine beef. But the Gibbon doesn't know what it's categorized as. It doesn't even know it's called a Gibbon. True. Sorry kids, you got it worse than a Gibbon. Have you guys seen this feature that lets you talk to Siri without pressing any buttons? No, how does it work? You just say, Hey Siri, what time is it? So now anyone can control your phone? Hey Siri, show me pictures of naked grandma butts. Nice try, it only recognizes my voice. Oh, cool. Hey Siri, show me pictures of naked grandma butts. I don't sound like that. Here are some images of naked grandma butts. Oh no. What? That's Penny's ex-boyfriend. What do you suppose he's doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field. If he were any bigger, he'd have moons orbiting him. Oh, snap. So I guess we'll be leaving now. Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn't even want him here. You have a backup hypothesis? Maybe they just want to be friends. Or maybe she wants to be friends and he wants something more. Then he and I are on equal ground. Yes, but you're much closer to it than he is. Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners. And male partners, animal partners, large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy. Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift. In the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn't have to back down. True. Why don't you text him that and see if he backs down? No. I'm going to assert my dominance face-to-face. Face-to-face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down or are you going to stand on the coffee table? Hello, Penny. Hello, Kurt. Oh, hey, guys. You having a good time? Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system. I thought you were a zebra, right? You had another child left behind. What are you supposed to be, an elf? No, I'm a hobbit. What's the difference? A hobbit is a mortal halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an elf is an immortal tall warrior. So why the hell would you want to be a hobbit? Because he's neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be the Flash. Well, whatever. Why don't you go hop off on a quest? Talking to Penny here. I think we're all talking to Penny here. I'm not. No offense. Okay, maybe he didn't hear me. Go away. All right, Kurt, be nice. Oh, I am being nice. Right, little buddy? Kurt? Okay, I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me. I mean, you can't compete with me on an intellectual level, and so you're driven to animalistic puffery. Own me a puffy animal? Of course not. No, he's not. You're not, right, Leonard? No, I said animalistic. Of course, we're all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree. If he understands that, you're in trouble. So what? I'm unevolved? You're in trouble. You know, you use a lot of big words for such a little dwarf. Okay, Kurt, please. Penny, it's okay. I can handle this. I am not a dwarf. I'm a hobbit. A hobbit! Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus preventing the conversion from short-term to long-term memory? Okay, now you're starting to make me mad. A homo habilis discovering his opposable thumb says what? I think I've made my point. Yeah? How about I make a point out of your pointy little head? Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation, I will be less than useless. There's not going to be a confrontation. In fact, I doubt if he can even spell confrontation. C-O-N-frontation. Hey, guys, I need to use your TV. What's wrong with your TV? I don't know. It just died. I'm getting a bunch of static. Did you pay your cable bill? You sound just like the cable company. All right, so she's about to kick someone off America's Next Top Model. Excuse me, Penny, but we're- No, don't tell her. You're playing Klingon Boggle. Oh. What do you mean, oh? Like she didn't know we were nerds? All right, if you must watch, you're muted with closed captions, please. Fine. All right, Boggle Warriors. Look at those women. They're gorgeous. Oh, Worf. Nice. Too bad that's a proper noun. Oh, look, there's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait. That's the future Mrs. Wolowitz with her head in the lap of- What a coincidence. It's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother. The current Mrs. Wolowitz. How did you guys meet? Actually, we met online. Our first date was at a coffee shop. Although, unlike your date, she actually showed up. Oh, he looks sad again. Well, I really envy your relationship. Other than you two only having sex once a year, you're the perfect couple. You know about that? Yeah, everyone at the university does. Were you aware of this? No. No, I only told Leonard, Howard, Raj, Kripke, Professor Wu, Professor Klein, and a lunch lady in the cafeteria. How everyone else found out is a mystery to me. Hi, Howard. Hi, Sheldon. Hello. Why are you holding hands? I forbid you to hold hands. Rajesh, you know Leonard and I spent the night together? Yeah, but you were just sleeping because I forboded you to have sex. The word is forbade. You sure? That doesn't sound right. Listen, Rajesh, Leonard and I have decided to see each other again. And you don't get to tell me who I can and can't have a relationship with. Actually, he can. The Hindu code of Manu is very clear in these matters. If a woman's father is not around, the duty of controlling her base desires falls to the closest male member of her family. In this case, Raj. The code also states that if she disobeys, she will be reborn in the womb of a jackal and tormented by diseases. If true, that seems like an awfully large gamble, given that the prize is Leonard. Great news, Leonard. I've solved my penny gift dilemma. Yippee. You see, the danger was that I might under or over reciprocate, but I have devised a foolproof plan. I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself feigning digestive distress. Then I'll look up the price of her gift online, choose the basket closest to that value, give it to her, and then I'll return the others for a full refund. Brilliant. It is, isn't it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated. Do whatever you want. Thank you. That's very gracious. Gentlemen. Why couldn't you have just done what Leonard did and get Penny a new boyfriend? Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario. A young woman alone in the big city. Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her. Wait a minute. Hang on. Let's see where he's going. Then it hits her. How is she going to survive? But she has no prospects, no marketable skills. And then one day she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard. See where he's going. She befriends them and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder. That is ridiculous. Oh, is it? Let's see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time. Okay. You know what? I've already mooched dinner off you guys. I don't need to listen to this. There's your answer. Free food. Hey, you guys ready to order? Since we come in every Tuesday night at six o'clock and order the same exact thing, and it's now 6.08, I believe your question not only answers itself, but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as who let the dogs out and how are they hanging? Okay. So the usual with extra spit on Sheldon's hamburger. Penny, a moment. Do you have plans this weekend? Oh, gee, Amy, I'm sorry. I'm actually pretty busy this weekend. I'll be serving food that was ordered today. That's too bad. I was hoping you could be my plus one at the Institute of Interdisciplinary Study Symposium on the impact of current scientific research on societal interactions. It's an annual science conference. We've all been invited to speak. Oh, okay. Well, you know, like I said, I have plans. Shame. Since you're my best friend, I thought it would be a good bonding opportunity. I'm your best friend? Don't you read my blog? Oh, don't feel bad. I never read Leonard's and I used to sleep with him. Do you know anybody else who would appreciate an all-expense-paid spa weekend at a four-star resort in Big Sur? No, I'm sorry, free what? Sorry, what? I think her weekend just opened up. Wait, wait, just to be clear, when you guys say spa, does that mean the same thing as when regular people say it? Pretty much. Except we keep our shirts on in the sauna. You know, it is going to be difficult, but I'm going to cancel my plans so I can do this for my bestie. Please don't touch my breasts. I wasn't going to. All right, I just want to establish boundaries. Boy, this is great. I haven't had a vacation in ages. In order to take a vacation, one first has to work. You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept, don't piss off the people who handle the things you eat. That does seem to be a valid principle. I trust Penny will adhere to the official California restaurant worker's solemn oath of ethics and cleanliness. I don't believe there's any such thing. Lied to me? It's really sweet what Howard wants to do for Bernadette. Yeah. Hey, how come you've never done anything romantic to celebrate our first date? Oh, for starters, you've broken up with me so many times. Which first date are we talking about? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Somebody call the Bern ward. Leonard, where do you stand on the anthropic principle? Interesting question. On the one hand, I always thought- You don't even know what it is, do you? The anthropic principle states that if we wish to explain why our universe exists the way it does, the answer is that it must have qualities that allow intelligent creatures to arise who are capable of asking the question, as I am doing so eloquently right now. I know what the anthropic principle is. Of course, I just explained it to you. Now, where do you stand on it? Where do you stand on it? Strongly pro. That I believe that God created the world in six days and on the seventh, he made you to annoy me. Hey, guys. Raj, where do you stand on the anthropic principle? I'm all for it. Attaboy. Hang on. Why do you believe that he knows what it is and I don't? Oh, Leonard. Let's not take a saw to the branch we're sitting on, shall we? Hey, if you guys are free tonight, I heard about a spa where you soak your feet in a pool full of little fish that eat all the dead skin right off them. I don't need to tell you in Los Angeles, sandal season is year round. Actually, I'm hanging out with Penny. Oh, okay. Sounds like it's me and you, Sheldon. How about we stick some guppies on those puppies? As I've stated before on numerous occasions, the only sea creature I would even consider being eaten by is the kraken because the last words I would hear are release the kraken. That never gets old. Release the kraken. Oh, chills. Besides, I'm having dinner with Amy. Oh, okay. I'll just go home and be alone, which is cool. I eat alone, I sleep alone, I cry alone. So, cool. Darn. If you weren't busy, I'd ask you to join us. Really? I'd come? Thanks. Sheldon, are you sure you want to be bringing Raj on your date night with Amy? Oh, absolutely. I have a contractual obligation to provide Amy with conversation and casual physical contact, but nowhere is it specified that I can't outsource that to an Indian. Guys, when I look at the two of you starting your lives together, it fills my heart. It fills my heart. Okay, I'm gonna need a minute. Howard and Bernadette, I know you two plan on getting married and a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love, it doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other. Problem? I think the Reverend Hofstadter is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom. Oh, girl. I didn't say it. All right, that's enough from the both of you. Well, he started it. Well, I'm ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also want you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out. Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Bernadette, you are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other, and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core, it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days. Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. Okay, we're headed out. See you later. Hi, Joel. Before you leave, could you help me test these noise-canceling headphones? Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Hello, can you hear me? I haven't changed the filter in the water pitcher in two years. Bernadette's nickname for you is the Virgin Pina Colada. Your George Lucas autograph is really a me autograph. Once I was too lazy to walk across the hall, so I used your toothbrush. Ooh, and one time when you were asleep, Amy totally took off her, and that's why you're the best roommate ever. Now I'm sad I didn't hear it. What was that? Sheldon tried to take the ring, and I punched him. That's my girl. So, Sheldon, how's it feel to get beaten up by a girl? Cooper? Good morning, your honor. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, appearing in pro se. That is to say, representing himself. I know what it means. I went to law school. And yet you wound up in traffic court. Anyway, if it would please the court, I'd like to begin with an opening statement. The court would advise you to make it quick, as the court had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an imodium. Very well. A quick opening statement. Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessariam est lacitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I am unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessariam est lacitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete. Impressive. Thank you. Guilty. Pay the cashier. I object. You're completely ignoring the law. No, I'm following the law. I'm ignoring you. Really, I would point out that I am at the top of my profession while you preside over the kiddie table of yours. Dr. Cooper, before I find you in contempt and throw you in jail, I'm going to give you a chance to apologize for that last remark. I'm a scientist. I never apologize for the truth. That's my spot. Mrs. Latham, I'd like you to meet three of our outstanding young researchers. This is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, Dr. Rajesh Kuthripalli, and Howard Walowitz. Well, what happened to you, Walowitz? Couldn't stick with it long enough to get your PhD? I'm an engineer. Most engineers don't bother with a PhD. But you may be interested to know I designed the zero gravity waste disposal system for NASA. Got it. You're a space plumber. I'm going to go hit the bar. Tell me about these two. Do him first. Dr. Hofstadter is representing our experimental physics program tonight. I think you'll really enjoy hearing about his fascinating work. Right. Fascinate me. They're cute when they're about to wet themselves, aren't they? I'll make it easy for you. When you arrive at the lab in the morning, what sort of machine do you turn on? Coffee maker? Hi, Dr. Koos. Whatever it is, you're up. It's Kuthripalli. I have to tinkle. Sheldon, I know what you did. Now change the password back. Well, powder me in sugar and call me a donut if it's a Leonard Hofstadter. Sheldon, I'm warning you. I can play this game too. If it's like your 3D chess game, then you're out of your length, width, and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin. Somebody just got burned. All right. I tried. All right, I tried. That should be the title of your autobiography. Ooh, a second degree burn. I've got the Neosporin. Who got hurt? It's a good thing you're cute. Hey. What do you think you're doing? Separating my delicates. This is the level you're stooping to. No, this is the level I am stooping to. I believe that is flag to crotch for checkmate. Easy peasy. Ooh, so breezy. Hey, I got an email from Professor Proton. Goody, what's it say? He's working on a paper about nanovacuum tubes and wants to know if I take a look at it. That's strange. They would come to you for that and not me. I got two emails from him. Do you have Leonard's email address? And never mind, I found it. I can't believe he picked you over me. You don't want to read a paper by some old has-been who hasn't done any real science in decades. Yeah, it's nothing to cry about. Sheldon Cooper does not cry. It's true. You'd rust. Leonard, do you think I'm funny? No. You? I think I'm hysterical. I take it back. That was funny. The philosopher Henri Bergson says it's funny when a human being behaves like an object. I bet that bit killed him at Chuckle Hut. Oh, he didn't perform stand-up comedy. He was a philosopher. I think we're zeroing in on your problem. Perhaps I'll spend some time developing a unified theory of comedy, which will allow me to elicit laughter from anyone at any time. Unless they're German, because that's a tough crowd. Are you set on people laughing with you? Because if you're cool with at you... I don't get it. Hey, you don't need Leonard and his app. You can make one with me. With you? Seriously, I have a great idea for one. Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress? Okay, look. When you see someone wearing shoes you like, you just snap a picture of them and the app goes on the internet to find out where you can buy them. That's your app idea? You don't like it? I didn't say that. But no, I don't. Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I posted my findings. I saw. And I just posted a retraction of my paper. Now the whole scientific community knows I was wrong. These things happen all the time, Sheldon. Not to me. The only other retraction I ever had to issue was when I was seven and I conceded that my brother was the greatest ninja in East Texas. But that was just a ploy to get my face out of his armpit. There he is. That's my favorite superhero, the Retractor. Come on, don't give him a hard time. I'm sorry, Cooper. I Retracted. By the way, Hofstetter, nice job disproving the Chinese team. It's not a big deal. It's a huge deal. Cooper, maybe physics just isn't your thing. Have you ever considered a career in retail? That way you could take things back for a living. Okay, Barry, that's enough. I don't know. That's okay. I can fight my own battles. Isn't that right, Bailey? Is that a reference to my speech impediment? That's pretty hurtful. I can't control it. You're right. That was uncalled for. I take it back. Of course you do because you're the Retractor. I wanted to look my best for our date and I made a series of bad decisions. One of which is hidden by my pants. Do you still want to go out with me? Absolutely. Hey, maybe we can go find Nemo together. Do your 63 other crayon friends know you're out? Are you just going to make fun of me all night? Probably. Great. So what are we thinking? Chinese? Yeah, I'm in the mood for orange chicken. What's the last dumpling? What do you mean? Here's a penny. A moment. We just had Thai food. In that culture, the last morsel is called the grangie piece. And it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group. All for this high honor. I've seen pictures of your mother. Keep eating. What's going on, Day Dwellers? End of the Kiss Army repeal. Don't ask, don't tell. Raj and I are going to a goth club in Hollywood to hang with the night people. Anybody want to come along? Oh, wow. You're actually going out like that? No, no. I'm going out like this. Gordon, what did you do? They're called tattoo sleeves, look. I'm lying, Raj got a tattoo. Fantastic, right? Put them on, have hot sex with some freaky girl with her business peers, take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery. I've always wanted to go to a goth nightclub. Really? Bazinga. None of you ever see my practical jokes coming, do you? Okay, how about you two? Look, I got some extra tat sleeves. Why are you carrying extras? In case I snag one on someone's nipple ring. Yeah, I think we'll pass. Oh, is the missus speaking for the couple now? Miss case, you bet she is. Yes, she's pushy, and yes, he's whipped, but that's not the expression. Come on, I want to stop at Walgreens and pick up some more eyeliner. They're going to get beaten up at that club. They're going to get beaten up at Walgreens. Here comes our new boss. Be polite. Hi, fellas. Eric Gabelhauser. Howard Wolowitz. Howard, nice to meet you. And you are? An actual real scientist. How was that? I can't believe he fired me. Well, you did call him a glorified high school science teacher. His last successful experiment was lighting his own farts. In my defense, I prefaced that by saying, with all due respect.