The Ones Where They Gang Up on Each Other

Hey, don't do that. It's worse than the thong. This is so unfair. Why is it unfair? So I have a flaw. Big deal. Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying. And Ross with his over-pronouncing every single word. And Monica with that snort when she laughs. I mean, what the hell is that thing? I accept all those flaws. Why can't you accept me for this? Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody? Well, I could live without it. Oh, is it like a little annoying? Or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair? Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, all right? I think it's endearing. Oh, you do, do you? You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly. Indeed, there isn't. I should really get back to work. Yeah, otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered. Well... Oh, the hair comes out and the gloves come off. Well, it started with this hair right here, and knuckle-cracked here, and knuckle-cracked here, and now you start coming in with the endearing hair over there. Okay, not even close. Okay, well, then, you know what? Help me. I need help. I can't do this. All right, come on, let's do it. All right, sit down. All right. All right, put your head back. Yes. All right. Okay. Now open your eyes. Okay, they are. How many fingers am I holding up? Four. Oh, my God, I was thinking four. Really? Yes! All right, you know what? Why don't we start with a practice one, okay? Okay. No drops. Great. Okay. All right. On three. One, two, three. My pillow's all wet. Well, well, you said it was practice. Then why did you move? Because I knew you were lying. What are you doing? What? Stop it! Now I am going. I'm going. Turn it over. Get these drops in your eyes. Oh, God, you really are freakishly strong. Give it to me. Well, you know, if Joey and Chandler walked in right now, we could make a fortune. Thanks for the TV guide. Yeah. We'll see you in about three or four hours. Oh! You guys, check it out, check it out. Guess what job I just got. I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black. What? Blue blazer back. He wants it back. But you said black. Why would he want his blue blazer black? You know what I meant. No, you messed it up. You're stupid. I'm telling you something's wrong. My brother does not stay out all night. Maybe we should check the trash chute. Ross couldn't fit down the trash chute. That's right. He almost could. Which is exactly how I got stuck there. Hey. Oh, my God. Where the hell have you been? Just, you know, out. Oh, out. Oh, God, I don't know why we didn't think to check there. What were you doing? I, uh, went to a bar. And then I just, uh, just walked around for a while. You walked around all night in the city by yourself? He hooked up. He hooked up with someone. Look, I don't have to answer your questions, okay? I'm a big boy. I can do whatever I want. He hooked up. Tell us about her. Ross, you left your scarf in the... Hey, you guys. Okay. Oh, okay. I know what you all are thinking. But Chandler is in Yemen. I have needs. I can't wait forever. Yeah, I know. That's what I was thinking. So I'm asking you, please, just take a moment before you judge me. Oh, nobody's judging you. Okay. You. Missed the right place at the right time. Call me. Okay, look. I know what you guys are gonna say. You two would have very hairy children. Okay, I didn't know you would say that. Ross! Janice! All right, hold on, hold on, hold on. This is Ross, okay? He's our friend. He obviously went crazy. He obviously lost his mind. I didn't lose my mind, okay? Janice and I have a lot in common. We've both been divorced. We both have kids. So are you actually gonna see her again? Phoebe, don't put ideas in his head. I am gonna see her again. Damn it, Phoebe! I've been here for Thanksgiving. I know. It's sick. Why is it sick? Because it's Richard's son. It's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner. Come on, Phoebe, you understand, don't you? Yeah, I could see where I'd be your best shot, but no. Sorry, honey, I think it's twisted. What's twisted? Me going out with Richard's son. Ew! Ew, ew, ew! Sounds like a really bad idea to me. He's fine. Hey, you know, Mom, if things work out between you and Richard's son, you'll be able to tell your kids that you slept with their grandfather. Fine, judge all you want to, but married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girl's wooden leg in the fire, live in a box! Let me see what you wrote about yourself. Oh. Doctor of paleontology, two kids. Wait a second, you split with Carol because you had different interests? I think you split with Carol because you had one very similar interest. You know what? I'm gonna finish this later, okay? Let me just grab my coat. Okay. You think you learned how to do it in the last two minutes? Maybe we finish this for him. Also, I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She is now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says, it's the best sex I've ever had. And send. No, no, you can't do that to him. All right, let's go. Dude. Uh, I think you made it clear you can't be trusted with the ball inside the house. And send. Question number 28. Have you ever allowed a lightning bearer to take your wind? I would have to say no. And I would have to say pa-ha. What? Do you not remember the guy? Yeah, you like totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power. Well, at least I didn't let some guy into the forest of my righteous truth on the first date. Oh, pa. Oh. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Moving on, moving on. Next question. Okay, number 29. Have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightning bearer? Okay, number 30. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's go back to 29. Not, uh, not to my recollection. All right, Danny Arshak, ninth grade. Oh, come on, Rachel. You know the bottle was totally pointing at me. Only because you took up half the circle. Listen to you two. It's so sad. Looks like I'm going to be going to the goddess meetings alone. Well, not when they find out you slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monica. You are such a leaf blower. Hey, gorgeous. How's it going? Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights. Does it get better than this? Question. You're not dating anybody, are you? Because I met somebody who would be perfect for you. You see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said codependent or self-destructive. Do you want to date Saturday? Yes, please. Okay. He is cute. He's funny. He's a he? Well, yeah. Oh, God. I just... Okay. I'm just going to go flush myself down the toilet now. Okay. Bye-bye. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that? Um, yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, you know, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be. You did? Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not. Huh. Did, uh, any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me? I did. Yeah, I think so, yeah. Not me. No, no. Me neither. Although, uh, you know, back in college, Susan Saladoy did. You're kidding. Did you tell her I wasn't? No. No, it's just because, uh, I kind of wanted to go out with her, too. So, uh, I told her, actually, you were seeing, uh, Bernie Spellman. Who also liked her, so. Wow, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me? I don't know. Because you're smart, you're funny. Moss is smart and funny? Did you ever think that about him? Yeah, right. What is it? Okay, I don't know. You just, you have a quality. Yes. Right? Of course. Oh, oh, a quality. Good. Because I was worried you guys were going to be vague about this. Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor. Wait a minute. His name is Dr. Bobby? Well, that's his last name. And his first name. He's Bobby Bobby? It's Robert Bobby. And, um, excuse me, he helps me. Please, ask her how. What do you need help for? With my alignment. I got one leg shorter than the other. Oh, my God! Argue with that. What? It's true. My right leg is two inches shorter. Come on, you're just tilting. Her legs are fine. I know that. So why do you let her go to a chiropractor for? Sorry, let her? What can I do? She doesn't listen to me about, uh, about renter's insurance either. Wait a minute. You don't have renter's insurance? But what if somebody steals something? How are you going to run after him with one leg shorter than the other? Hey, would you, uh, would you like some juice? I'd love some juice. Okay. Wow, this is going so well. Did you see us? Did you see? Yeah, honey, I'm standing right there. Why don't you just tell him about the mall? I haven't gotten checked yet. Excellent. Joey? Ma? Joey! Chandler? What are you still doing here? I thought you guys took off. Oh, no, no, no. She took off. With my clothes? Are you naked in there? Well, not exactly. I'm wearing panties. You always wear panties? No, no. This is the first time. Wow. Talk about your bad luck. I mean, it's the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes. I was not trying them out. Susie asked me to wear them. Well, let me see. No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever. All right, all right. Whoa. Austin. Joey. Some people don't like that. Chandler's wearing panties. What? Let me see. No, no, you don't have to see. Hi, Tushy. All right. Why don't you give me your underpants? Oh, no, no, no. Can't help you. I'm not wearing any. How can you not be wearing any underwear? Oh. I'm getting heat from the guy in the hot pink thong. All right, look, Ross. I'll give you $50 for your underpants. Hey. Are we greeting each other this way now? Because I like that. I haven't used all those attachments on the vacuum except for that little round one with the bristles. I don't know what that's for. Oh, yeah, nobody knows and we're not supposed to ask. Oh, what do you think? Very clean. It's great. Really, it looks great. Oh. I see you moved the green ottoman. How did that happen? I don't know. I thought it looked better there. And I, and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table. Yeah, it's interesting. But you know what? Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot. Just to compare. Let's see. Ha! Well, it looks good there, too. Let's just leave it there for a while. I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman. Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out. Guys, I am not that bad. Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember, I lived with you? You were like a little, you know, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak. That is so unfair. Oh, come on. When we were kids, yours was the only raggedy and all that wasn't raggedy. Okay, so, I'm responsible. I'm organized. But, hey, I can be a kook. All right, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away. Why not? Because you're a kook. Instead, you wait until they send you a notice. I can do that. Okay, okay. Then, uh, you let me go grocery shopping, and I buy laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the easy pour spout. Why would someone do that? One might wonder. Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink. It's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood. Stop it! Oh, my God. It's true. Who am I? Monica, you're Mom. Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe! You can go to bed, guys. Night. Night, Monica. Uh, Mom, you're gonna leave your shoes out here? Uh-huh. Really? Just, just casually strewn about in that reckless, haphazard manner? Doesn't matter. I'll get them tomorrow. Or not. Whenever. She is a kook. Look, I have a sonogram picture. Oh, good. Ross, it's got your wavy black lines. All right, so now that Ross knows, can you tell us, you know, how it happened? I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen? Oh, Monica, that's not right. Well, start with where. Well, it happened about six weeks ago, and, uh, I had just gotten home from work, and Ross was already there, because I guess he'd been hanging out with Joey. You're welcome, buddy. Yeah, thanks. And so, I had a lot of work to do, and Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out, and then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and next thing you know, out of nowhere, Ross comes on to me. Oh, that's... that's a little misleading. What is? The lie you just told. That... that you came on to me? There's the one. But you did. I mean, let's be honest. Yes, let's. You know what? Uh, it's... it's not important. What's important is that... is that we're having a baby, and it's not... it doesn't matter who came on to who. Whom. That's right. You know you kissed me first. What? You were begging me to kiss you. You... you... you were sending me signals all over the place. I was sending you signals? Yeah. Oh, please. Okay, anyone in this room think that I would actually send Ross begging signals? Please, show of hands. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what people believe. What matters is what happened. Okay, well, so these signals, Ross, explain this to me, because maybe I need to be more careful. I mean, am I sending you these signals right now? You know what? You know what, Rachel? Just... just drop it. No, please show me how I begged you. I can show you. I have it on videotape. It's an expression. I wanted to. Interesting. Anyway, um, probably worked out for the best. Yeah, sure. Okay, in about ten seconds you're gonna see him kiss me. And in about five seconds you're gonna see what? Ross, did I ever tell you about the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe? Get ready to see some begging. Oh, you came on to Ross. What? Now, I'm so happy. What are you talking about? You used the Europe story. That's the magic story you use when you want to have sex. How do you know about that story? How do you know about that story? I heard it from some guy. Some guy? No, she told me that his name was Ken Adams. I love your breasts the way they are. Ugh, fascist. Well, my breasts are gonna get bigger whether you like it or not. And you know what? It's not just my breasts. My ass is gonna get bigger, too. Your ass? And don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger, too. They do that? It's kind of a package deal. Why would you want to do that to yourself? I thought it was something that we both wanted. Alright, look. If it means that much to you I may be able to get on board with the big boobs but the giant ass and the big clown feet? God, Chandler. If you can't handle this what are you gonna be like in the hospital with the blood and the screaming and the little person that's shooting out of her? What? Why have I not told you? Oh, I don't know. How about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with fun Bobby out on the terrace? What? Wait a minute. You are dead meat. I didn't know it was a big secret. No, it's not big. Not at all. You know, kind of the same lines as say, oh, I don't know having a third nipple. Nipple? You bitch. Whip it out, whip it out. Yeah, yeah. Come on. There's nothing to see. It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless. Oh, as opposed to your other multifunctional nipples. I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin. Joy, what do you think a nubbin was? I don't know. You see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Of course you could defend yourself from an attack you know is coming. That's not enough. Look, I studied karate for a long time. And there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi. Isn't that a kind of sushi? No, it's a concept. Yeah, it is, it is. It's freshwater eel. All right, maybe it means that, too. Oh, I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now. No, fine. Get attacked. I don't even care. Come on, Ross. We're sorry. Please tell us what it is. Unagi is a state of total awareness. Okay? Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you. You mean in case someone's trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of fish? All I'm saying is it's one thing being prepared for an attack against, like, each other. Whole nother story being prepared for an attack. I don't know. Surprise! All right, you knew that was coming, but that doesn't mean you have unagi. Ooh, you know what? If we made reservations, we could have unagi in about a half hour. Danger! Danger! What the hell was that? A lesson in the importance of unagi. You're a freak. Perhaps. Now, I'm curious. At what point during those girlish screams would you have begun to kick my ass? All right, so we weren't prepared. I'm sorry I had to take such drastic measures to make my point, but look, I just want you guys to be safe. Danger! Uh-huh. Unagi. Salmon skin roll. Kat Sajak? Yeah. Alex Trebek? Oh, of course. Chuck Woolery? Definitely, Phoebe. You will not find a single game show host whose ass I cannot kick. Oh! Unagi! It's not something you are, it's something you have! Say it! You know what, I could easily get out of this, but there's a chance you could get very, very hurt! It's a typical New York City apartment. Two girls are just hanging out. Hi, how are you doing, Kelly? I'm doing just fine. God, Tiffany, you smell so great. It's my new perfume. Why don't you come closer where you can really appreciate it? You know, Joey, you are sick. This is disgusting. Wait, wait, wait! The handsome man was about to enter! How could someone get a hold of your credit card number? I have no idea, but look how much they spent! Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought. Still, it's just such reckless spending. I think when somebody steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind. Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop. That's me. The yuck! Ross, he's doing it again! Marcelle, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now, Marcelle, come back, come here, Marcelle! No, no, no, not in my room. I'll get him. Ross, you've got to do something about the humping. What? It's just a phase. Well, that's what we said about Joey. Oh, relax. It's not that big a deal. Marcelle, stop it! Marcelle! Bad monkey! What? Let's just say my curious George doll is no longer curious. Hey, guys. Hey. So, what do you think? About what? What? Are you kidding? Okay, I'll give you a hint. I'll give you a hint. Eyes. No, no. Your eyes. No. Chandler's eyes! I got glasses. You always had glasses. No, I didn't. Are you sure? Didn't you used to have a pair? They were really round and burgundy and they made you look kind of, um... Feminine. Yes. Sweetie, I think the glasses look great. They make you look really sexy. Really? Yeah. You didn't think I used to wear glasses, right? Of course. I never did anything to hurt you in high school. That's not totally true. What? Well, you did start that rumor about Ross making out with Mrs. Altman, our 50-year-old librarian. How did you know that? Is that true? No. Yes, it is. I saw you guys going at it behind the card catalog. I'm sorry. When you were in high school, you made out with a 50-year-old woman? Hey, she didn't look 50. Did she look 16? Oh, there's a picture of her in the yearbook, actually. Oh. Wow! She didn't photograph well. Well, she probably wasn't familiar with the process, having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings. So, how did this happen? Did she... Did she lure you to an early bird dinner? Hey, hey, how was the first day? Oh, excellent. Everyone was so, so nice. See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. Me. No, I didn't tell anybody that I knew you. Why not? Well, because, you know, they don't like you. What? I thought you knew that. No. Who doesn't like me? Everyone. Except for, um... No, everyone. What are you talking about? Don't feel bad. You know, they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you're all like Mr. Bossman. You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing. Bossman Bing. I can't believe it. Yeah, yeah. They even do you. They do me? You know, like, um, okay. Um, could that report be any later? I don't sound like that. Oh, oh, Jim. Yeah, you do. The hills are alive with the sound... of music. My scone! Okay, I don't sound like that. That is so not true. That is so not... That... Oh, shut up! We just... We just think that you're having to sacrifice a whole lot to make her happy. Yeah. We just think that maybe she's being a little... unreasonable. Yes, yes, unreasonable. Unreasonable. How about we have this conversation when one of you guys gets married? You have no idea what it takes to make a marriage work. It's about compromise. Do you always like it? No. Do you do it? Yes. Because it's not all laughing, happy, candy in the sky, drinking coffee at Central Park all the time. It's real life, okay? It's what grown-ups do. I think he's right. You guys hang out at the coffeehouse way too much. I'm so sorry we're late. Please let us in so we can have dinner together. No. Everything's cold. The turkey's dried out and the stuffing's all soggy. Yeah, and there's a bowl of cranberry sauce. What happened to cranberry sauce? Nothing. It's fine. Oh, thank God. Oh, I just remembered. We do have something to eat. Monica put something in our oven this morning. Oh, yeah. Hey, you touch that and you will be sorry. Guys, I listened to her. The vein is bigger than I've ever seen it. Oh, my God. It's Brussels sprouts. That's worse than no food. Ha, ha. All you got was Monica's stinky Brussels sprouts. Stinky? Please let me stay on this side of the door. It all looks so beautiful. The turkey, the stuffing. The cranberries. And now, a monkey could have made them. Hey, listen, guys. We feel really terrible. Don't look at him. Come on, you guys. We want you to know that we're very, very sorry. Right, guys? I feel terrible. But let's not ruin this day. You worked so hard. Let's move past this and try to have a nice meal all together. The floating heads do make a good point. Yeah, they do seem to feel pretty bad. So bad. Okay. Okay, you two go get the dessert and I'll let you in. Dessert? Yeah. I asked you and Phoebe to pick up the pies. You did remember, right? Pies? Oh, we thought you said prize. Grand supreme, little darling. Congratulations! You forgot the pies? Well, I cannot believe this. You forced me to make dinner. Then you're an hour late and you forget the one little thing that I asked you to do. Really, girls, not cool. Well, you man heads aren't any better. You lied about going to the game. You knew it would make you late and you still went anyway. Hey, I'm getting a little tired of this, okay? We said we're sorry. It's Thanksgiving for Pete's sakes. A day of forgiveness. A day to be thankful. Don't make me come up there. Too late for apologies. Fine. Let's just go. I don't need your stupid dinner. That would be a lot more convincing if you weren't drooling. Oh, is that what that is? Guys, let's just do our own Thanksgiving. Yeah, I'll cook. Yeah, let's go out. Hey! Yeah, you three have a nice Thanksgiving. The three of us? Yeah, you, Chan, and the vein!