Bridget Jones' Romantic Disasters | RomComs

It all began on New Year's Day in my 32nd year of being single. Once again I found myself on my own and going to my mother's annual turkey curry buffet. Every year she tries to fix me up with some bushy-haired middle-aged boar and I feared this year would be no exception. My mom, a strange creature from a time when a gherkin was still the height of sophistication. Third draw from the top owner under the mini gherkins. By the way the Darcy's are here. They brought Mark with them. Ah here we go. You remember Mark? He used to play in his paddling pool. He's a barrister. Very well off. No I don't remember. He's divorced apparently. His wife was Japanese. Very cruel always. Now what are you going to put on? This. Oh don't be silly Bridget. Never get a boyfriend if you look like you've wandered out of Auschwitz. Now run upstairs, laid out something lovely on your bed. Great. I was wearing a carpet. Here she is. My little Bridget. Hi Uncle Geoffrey. Had a drink? No. No? Come on then. Actually not my uncle. Someone who insists I call him uncle while he gropes my arse and asks me the question dreaded by all singletons. So how's your love life? Super. Thanks Uncle G. Still no fellow then eh? I don't know. You career girls can't put it off forever you know. Tick tock. Tick tock. Hello Dad. Hello darling. How's it going? Torture. Your mother's trying to fix you up with some divorcee. Human rights barrister. Pretty nasty beast apparently. Who? Ding dong. Maybe this time Mum had got it right. Come on. Why don't we see if Mark fancies a girl kid? Mark? Maybe this was the mysterious Mr. Right I'd been waiting my whole life to meet. Do you remember Bridget? Maybe not. She used to run around your lawn with no cleanse on, remember? Uh no. Not as such. Come and look at your gravy Pam. I think it's going to need sieving. Of course it doesn't need sieving. Just stir it Una. Yes of course. I'll be right there. Sorry. Lumpy gravy calls. So. Are you staying at your parents for New Year? Yes. You? Oh no no no. I was in London at a party last night so I'm afraid I'm a bit hung over. Wish I could be lying with my head in a toilet that I call normal people. New Year's resolution. Drink less. Oh and quit smoking. Oh and keep New Year's resolutions. And uh stop talking total nonsense to strangers. In fact stop talking full stop. Yes well perhaps it's time to eat. Apparently she lives just around the corner from you. Mother I do not need a blind date. Particularly not with some verbally incontinent spinster who smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish and dresses like her mother. Yummy. Turkey curry. My favorite. Demonstrate presence of skirt can only say that it has failed parlously. Leave. Shut up please. I'm very busy and important. P.S. How dare you sexually harass me in this impertinent manner. Message Jones. Mortified to have caused offense. Will avoid all non-PC overtones in future. Deeply apologetic. P.S. Like your tits in that top. Mustn't read too much into it though. And it all began of course with some very irresponsible emailing over Bridget's non-existent skirt. The New York office for you. Uh yeah tell them I'll get back. Daniel. Jones. Evening Kenneth. Good evening Daniel. If you've got a moment I'd like a word before you leave tonight. Yeah certainly yeah. I'll see you in a sec. Excellent. And Brenda. Yes. At the Kafka's motorbike thing. Thought it might be fun if you introduce me before I introduce him. That lovely sense of occasion. Certainly sir. Brenda. What are you doing tonight? Oh actually I'm busy. All right. Well it's a shame I just uh... Well I thought it might be a charitable thing to take your skirt out for dinner and try and fatten it up a bit. Maybe you could come too. What about tomorrow? No tomorrow's the launch. Oh yes of course. Possibly the worst book ever published. Well in the end that's not the headline we've gone for. Next night. Let's see shall we? Good night Daniel. Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the launch of Kafka's motorbike. The greatest book of our time. And here to introduce and dismiss it it's perfect. Oh Fitzherbert. Fitzherbert. Okay circulate oozing intelligence. Ignore Daniel and be fabulous with everyone else. I am the intellectual eagle of everyone else here. It's like a whole theory of short fiction and of the novella you know. And of course the problem with Martin's definition of the novella is that it really only applies to him. That doesn't sound like Martin. Not. I mean I mean I could be wrong. What do you think? Do you know where the toilets are? Stay calm. Can't get any worse. What are you doing here? I've been asking myself the same question. I came with a colleague. So how are you? Well apart from being very disappointed not to see my favorite reindeer jumper again I'm well. Anyone going to introduce me? Ah introduce people with thoughtful details. Perpetua. This is Mark Darcy. Mark's a prematurely middle-aged prick with a cool raced ex-wife. Perpetua's a fat arsehole bat who spends her time bossing me around. Maybe not. Anyone going to introduce me? Ah Perpetua. This is Mark Darcy. Mark's a top barrister. Oh he comes from Grafton Underwood. Perpetua is one of my work colleagues. Hey Mark. I know you by reputation of course. Ah Natasha. This is Bridget Jones. Bridget this is Natasha. Natasha is a top attorney and specializes in family law. Bridget works in publishing and used to play naked in my paddling pool. How odd. Perpetua how's the house hand going? Disaster. I didn't go into it with you did I? Neither did I. That man is gorgeous. Ah yes Mark. Just give me time. Give me time. I'm no longer tragic spinster but proper girlfriend of bona fide sex god. So committed that he's taking me on a full-blown mini break holiday weekend. Just promise me we don't have to sit in any little boats and read poncy poetry to each other. He's also agreed to protect me at Uncle Geoffrey's hideous Tarts and Vickers fancy dress party. This can't be just shagging. A mini break means true love. Suddenly feel like scream goddess in manner of Grace Kelly. Though perhaps ever so slightly less elegant under pressure. Well the weakness of their case lies in the deposition they made on August 30th. Season of mist and mellow fruitlessness. Oh **** me I love keats. Have you heard this one? There was a young woman from Ealing who had a peculiar feeling. She lay on her back and opened her crack and fist all over the ceiling. Oh bollocks. I'm boarding you bitch. I can't see an alternative. I'm king of the world. He's so childish. Yes. I'm suddenly hard-headed journalist ruthlessly committed to promoting justice and liberty. Nothing can distract me from my dedication to the pursuit of truth. Well almost nothing. Right I'll just pop to the shop quickly for some cigs. 14p for the polos and the packet of wheat crunchies. Packet of embassy please. I'm sorry I'm not quite free. Good afternoon. Hi. You like me just the way I am. Sorry. Nothing. Bridget. We fucked up utterly. Eleanor Heaney and Kaffir O'Garney have come and gone. Oh god I'll be sacked. Did the others get interviews? I don't know I was having a slash. Actually nobody got interviews. How do you know? I was defending him and I told him not to give any interviews. Look and action. Mr D'Arcy you were defending Mr O'Garney. You must be delighted. Yes well Kaffir O'Garney has spent his entire life defending the basic human rights of his own people and today's verdict has been the result of five years of struggle by this woman Eleanor Heaney to save the man she loves from an extradition order that would have been tantamount to a death sentence. Right and Eleanor over to you. Did you fancy Kaffir the first time that you saw him? This has been Bridget Jones for Sit Up Britain with Let's Face It. A bit of a crush now actually. Good afternoon. Thai flavour enhancing leek and celery together with string. Right string, string, string, string. Perfect. Thinly sliced oranges and great zest. Where the **** is the ******* tuna? This is Bridget Jones for Sit Up Britain searching for tuna. Bridget Jones. Hello darling. Hi mum. I just wanted a bit of a chat. Ouch careful you ham-fisted cow. The thing is darling between you and me I'm not entirely sure that Julian isn't a bit of a ----. You know mum I haven't really got time right now. I can't deny the sex is still very surprising. The other night quite unexpectedly I was just dozing off and I felt this huge... Bye mum. Oh what time's he called this? The door was open. I came to congratulate the new face of British current affairs. But I say I may have come at a bad time. How's it look? Uh great it's um blue. Blue? No but blue is good. You asked me there isn't enough food. Oh ---- it must have been string. No it's string soup. Oh god they're gonna be here any minute. Don't worry I'm sure they'll come to see you and not to orange parfait and sugar cake. Just have a drink. Yes. Happy birthday. Thank you. Did I really run around your lawn naked? Oh yes you were four and I was eight. That's a pretty big age difference. It's quite pervy really. Yes I like to think so. What are we going to do about this dinner then? We have blue soup to start. Orange pudding to end. And yield green gums. That is caperberry gravy actually. Do you have eggs? Yes. Right I'll let it sit. With caperberry gravy. Give me just a minute. Keep yourself busy. Read something. Lots of very high quality magazines. Helpful fashion and romance. I'll be right with you. Definitely an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers. Right. Mark? Mark! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I mean I meant it but I was so stupid that I didn't mean what I meant. Christ sakes. It's only a diary. Everyone knows diaries are just for crap. I know that. I'm just buying you a new one. Time to make a new start perhaps. Who cares about the odd professional hiccup? The fact is I've been in a functional relationship with an adult male for six wonderful weeks. Four fabulous days and seven precious hours. Or to put it another way 71 ecstatic shags. He's given up being snooty and I've given up smoking. Well he thinks I have anyway which is practically the same thing. Mark Darcy is perfect. Not a fuckwit, alcoholic, workaholic, pervert or megalomaniac. But total sex god and human rights lawyer. He is a miracle really. Bridget will you stop? Stop staring at me while I'm asleep. Go and find something to do. Sorry. So as you can see the incredible truth is the wilderness years are over. Bridget Jones is a love pariah no more. It's all about confidence and trust. Mark would never betray me. Everything would be lovely and we'll have sex in the kitchen. What is that? Who is that? I can't help but wonder if she knows what's going on. Bridget Jones. No I'm Bridget Jones. That's what I meant. You must be. Rebecca Gillies. I've been so looking forward to meeting you after everything Mark's told me. Why what's he said? Where is Mark? Actually uh... Becky who is it? Becky. Right. Great. Right. Bridget. Hello Mark. Hello lawyers who work with Mark. Everything under control I see. Um excellent graph. I am so sorry. I thought... Oh I don't know what I thought. Now you're really angry with me. No no I'm not angry. No it's okay you can say if you are. It's not the end of the world. I'll go get a glass of wine. The thing is I ran into Janie Osborne who said she'd just seen you with this girl. With really long legs. And Shazza and Jude said that I should get over here straight away. So following the orders of the dating war command you decided to execute a rape. You are angry. No I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed. Disappointed? Oh god that's worse than angry. I'm just disappointed I can't take you home this instant. Oh about all those lawyers. I think you'd have to butter them up at the law council dinner next Friday. Don't want to go do you? Have to. Great. I'm late with mad hair and can barely breathe in scary knickers. We are very worried. What if someone says Bridget Jones get out of here. You are ridiculous. Stop it. The most important thing of course is to look absolutely wonderful and make a magnificent entrance. Sorry I'm late. Hello. Bridget I think we should go to the ladies. But I went before I left home. Trust me on this one. Good. All right tiny makeup mistake. But I always have wit and conversation to fall back on. Bridget. Hello. Derek, Horatio, Camilla. Horatio? Yes. Horatio was just saying he's totally against charitable giving. What? Well obviously you don't mean it. Well absolutely I mean you take a beggar on the street. Do you think it's helpful to give him 50 pence? Well maybe he's just hungry. Don't be so naive. The people you see outside the tube every day are there by choice. End of story. Oh no it's not. You see some people have terrible personal problems and other people might have lost their family in some you know tragic ferry disaster. And some people are just plain hopeless. Honestly this is the sort of rubbish you'd expect from some fat balding Tory Stone County's upper middle class twist. If you have a message for Mark Darcy please speak after the tone. Hello it's me. I'm really really sorry. Sorry it's the door. Don't go away. I have something really really important to say. Yes who is it? It's me Mark. Oh right uh just a moment. I'm on the phone. You're outside. Look uh I'll ring you later unless you come to chuck me once and for all. In which case bye and thank you and sorry. Oh god please don't chuck me. Don't chuck me. If you have chucked me please change your mind. I'll behave much better in future. On the other hand if you haven't chucked me please behave better next time we go out. Stuck up snob. What do you want? Well I'd like to come up. You are after all my girlfriend. Even though I shouted at you and called you an arrogant arse. Unfortunately yes. You see the problematic thing is I love you. What? I said I love you. I'm sorry I missed that again. I said I love you for god's sake. All right no need to shout. I'll come down let you in. Maybe this in the future. This is not just a mini break. This is a holiday in heaven. Told a tiny lie about being an extremely experienced skier. But honestly how hard can it be? I know I'm going to like skiing a lot. Very romantic. Very relaxing. All right bar's going up. No what? Bridget! Rebecca! What are you doing here? Didn't Mark tell you we were coming? No no he didn't. It's actually me who recommended the place. You know I've been coming here since I was 11. Really? Three whole years. Come on up you get. You all right? Yes fine thanks. You sure? Why is Rebecca here? Oh god. Well I mentioned that we were coming and she said why didn't they come too and I couldn't very well say no could I? Come on you two let's crack on shall we? Actually uh I might just sit this one out. You head on. See you down there. You sure? Absolutely I'll be fine in a minute. All right I'll see you at base camp then. Bastard. I can't believe he's left me. Oh yeah. So romantic getaway has turned into lawyer's reunion. I can't believe we're already into group holidays after only eight weeks of totally undisturbed sex. Wait a minute. No. Eight weeks? It couldn't be could it? Totally undisturbed. Oh god I'm pregnant. I would like a pregnancy test please. A pregnancy test. Ich bin possibly mit Baby. Uh Kinder. I am on back and he uh with me. Oh no no. Maybe like this but maybe like this. I'm a girl and I met a boy. And possibly now mit Baby. Moment of truth awaits. What if I am pregnant? I must try not to get hopes up too high. Boyfriend and baby seems just too lucky. Bridgette I have been looking everywhere for you. I thought you'd broken a leg. Oh god you're not. I might be. What if I were? Well I suppose I should be quite frank. It'd be bloody fantastic. I mean a little ahead of schedule. You really pregnant? Oh give it three minutes. What do you fancy boy or a girl? I don't know it doesn't matter. I've I suppose always had you know the fantasy of a son. Another Mark Darcy. Or maybe something like Huck or River or some fabulous Hebrew name like like Noah. I could teach him to play cricket and rugby and visit him at Eton on St Andrew's Day. Eton? Yes. Darcy men have been going to Eton for five generations. Well my son's not going to be sent away from home especially to some fascist institution where they stick a poker up your arse that you're not allowed to remove for the rest of your life. I see. I didn't mean you. No of course not. So what's the alternative? Sleeping in his parents bed and breastfeeding until he's a teenager whilst attending some progressive school where the entire day is spent singing Yellow Submarine and practicing group masturbation. Oh you're absolutely right. It would be madness to allow a child to enjoy his education or live with his parents. What would be madness is to have a child at all if his parents can't have the slightest discussion about anything without one of them shouting at the other. That's negative. Negative. That's too bad. Yes very sad. Now that is Koh Phan Yee which is the setting for a very famous Thai poem It's all about a badly behaved prince who finds true love with a beautiful and as it happens very slightly overweight princess. You're teasing me. I never tease about poetry. Oh Suvarnamali why can you not see that I adore you? Why do you avoid and scorn me? If you cast me off and leave me how should I live another day? And you thought all I knew about Thailand was pussies and ping-pong balls. You wouldn't sleep with him. No of course not. Absolutely not. But he is clever. Yes. Handsome. Yes he's also a dysfunctional fucked up middle-aged lost boy. Well no one's perfect. I didn't realize you were busy. He's young enough to be your grandson. I know isn't that great? I would have thought omelette would be a big thing in Thailand or mushrooms for that matter. Magic. It is a magic mushroom omelette isn't it? Well that's awful. There is nothing funny in this at all. Although thank god the mushrooms don't actually seem to be working. It's beautiful. It's Bridget. Bridget Jones. It is Daniel Cleaver. How utterly beautiful he is. Jones what the hell are you doing? You are lovely colours. I think you're completely off your plate. Hey. I didn't tell you because you wouldn't have come. Seriously it's been five years. You've got to shake yourself out of this self-imposed purder you've been in ever since you split up with your precious Mark Darcy. Rubbish I barely think of him. What you need is a good shafting. You need some good old-fashioned lie back and think of England bonking. And festivals are sexual free-for-alls like Sodom and Gomorrah with tofu. First man you meet you got to sleep with. First man? I'm not taking no for an answer. So I'm gonna find our backstage passes. You get the maps. I may be old and inappropriately dressed but at least I look ******* amazing. That's exactly why I didn't wear my heels. Ding ******* dong. May I? It fits. Is that your wicked stepmother? Yes. Better go before she has me sweeping fireplaces all day. Thank you. You're welcome. Aha! Birthday resolution number two. Must remember the way to a man's heart is not through beauty, sex or love. It's Jack. But merely the ability to fall arse over tit in the mud. By the way. I have to admit that was fun. And you're right. What I need is a good shafting. Some good old-fashioned lie back and think of England bonking. What's turning me up? Oh my god! What are you doing in my yurt? With all your clothes and luggage and possessions. Yeah it's as if I've come in made it my own. Wait it's you. The creature from the black lagoon. Oh yes. Sorry. Well you don't really expect me to believe that you accidentally crashed into my yurt do you? Oh. Since you're here maybe I could help you. He is the first man I met and his yurt is one heck of a lot nicer than mine. Rent a spinster. Good morning and welcome. Well this isn't embarrassing at all. Mark Darcy and I at the altar with a baby. That's lovely. Okay now nice big smiles. Thank you. Lovely. Okay can I just get the godparents now please? So how are you? Very well thank you. How are you? Well thank you. Are you here with your wife? I can't remember her name. Camilla? No she uh no she couldn't make it. You with anyone? No no not today no. Come on it's not a funeral. Can I get a couple of smiles out of you two please? Maybe give her a little kiss you know on the forehead there. Uh what's talking about the baby? Lovely. Right. See you later. Shouldn't. Yeah unless I make break for it with this thing. I'd ask you to join me but I'm pretty sure you're not a big Gangnam style kind of guy. I was only there very briefly. Where? Gangnam. What are we talking about? Gangnam dancing. Ah not the suburb of Seoul. No not familiar with Gangnam the suburb. It literally means south of the Han river. It was inhabited as early as the Paleolithic period. Suddenly seems so much less catchy. Now some of you lovers out there we're entering the erection section. Don't say ******* erection it occurs me. Would you like to get some air? I mean some more air. Sure. I don't suppose you happen to have a cigarette? No gave up 1891 days ago. Not big for counting. Since when did you smoke? I don't. It's been a tense time. Maybe I'm nervous. Why? You have a train in your head. I'm aware of that. Courtesy of one of my many godchildren. Seems to be stuck. And this would be a cake? For visceral. There's technically more of them to serve. What are you doing? You're married. No I'm not. I mean I am. I'm getting a divorce. Weren't you together at the memorial? She was just being supported. She's gone back to the Hague where she's now living. Oh I'm so sorry Mark. All right at this precise moment I'm not sorry at all. How the **** am I supposed to get in here? Well hey how about seeing you here? Hi great to see you. Good to see you too. I was going to come and find you to say hello but you know how live tv can be so chaotic. Well you know there are easier ways of getting in touch with me than inviting me on national tv and asking me about my sperm. Well no that's not what no. I would have liked to have heard from you. I was disappointed when I came back that morning and you'd gone. You were? We had an amazing night and I thought you were great. At least I did until I became a clip of the 50 most embarrassing chat show moments of all time. Really sorry about that. Yeah that um I don't know how to uh explain um I'm pregnant. Wow okay it's so much better than you being mentally unbalanced. I'm about 12 weeks. Oh right wow so you mean it's the music festival. Yes I know it's quite a surprise. Yes um but um I'm fine and uh you should know that um I don't I'm not I'm not looking for anything from you. Well except for a complete dna check and a review of my medical records. Well the thing is that I didn't mean for you to find out about this yet and I'm feeling um a bit foolish right now. Mortified actually yes mortified. And um I'd like to just retreat gracefully. Mr Quant? Will you sign my book? Oh god I didn't even tell him he may not be the only daddy. So Mark the gardens look lovely. Autumnal? Yes. Is that a conker tree? Bridget? I am pregnant. Right well congratulations. How can I help? I'm three months pregnant. Oh you mean the christening? Would you excuse me for just a moment? I think that this is quite possibly the most wonderful piece of information I've ever received in my entire life. Oh okay of course I've got no expectations for how things should work out. I just thought you should know. No of course I mean how do you feel? Are you happy? Yes I am but so much has happened in the past 10 years. A lot has changed. I mean you've been married and I've been on a number of long haul holidays but um... So here goes on Jack. And I mean... I know that it's just right now I can't quite bring myself to feel gloomy about it. God how can I tell him now? Oh Christ tell no one and make a run for it. Hello? Hey it's the father of your child. Jack? Yeah who else? Come up. Okay. Oh **** **** ****. He's probably employed a team of google earth detectives to find me. Okay just act naturally. Hi. Come in. Okay. You found it. Try it on see if it fits. Wow I didn't expect to see you. I wasn't expecting to come. I'm not used to being rejected. Twice. I hope you've got cake in that bag. Yeah I've been doing a lot of thinking. Bridget this whole baby situation threw me initially. We squashed an entire relationship in one night and skipped straight to starting the family phase. We never even had a real second date. Just so you know if we did I would have taken you to Ottolenghi. You would have had the grilled salmon and pine nut salsa. Unbelievable and healthy and we would have come back here, had incredible sex, spent the next couple days sending each other filthy texts. I would not have let you do that on a second date. Why not? You let me on the first and then we'd go on a naughty weekend to the seaside and I would prove my manliness by winning you a cuddly toy at the pier. I really wanted the giant scooby-doo. Oh nobody wins those coconuts you're glued on. What are those for? To apologize. We had our first fight. I was not flirting with that waitress. She means nothing to me. And then I would have bought Swedish furniture for us to make. We can get through this. We can get through anything. I find it adorable how your neck gets all blotchy when you get nervous and I know you'd be the greatest possible mother to my child. Big celebration. I'm so glad to see you back together. Certainly is Fanny. A wonderful news. I was thinking about Jack. If it's a boy after my grandfather. It's a good strong name you can rely on Jack. Yes one for the list. To Jack. Oh so this is dad I presume. So glad you could be here. Well this is a unique and wonderful moment. Dr. Robbins I wonder if you could maybe do me a little favor. So this is dad I presume. Pleased to meet you. I'm so glad you could be here. This is a unique and wonderful moment. Before we start would you like to know the sex? I think we should be prepared. It's a boy. Oh a boy. A boy. Boy. My boy.