Marriage Reality Check_ The Funniest Stand-Up About Married Life

We were bound to bump heads man but we're also both in therapy and I don't know if you've ever fought with a healthy person but it's annoying because we'd get into these big blow-up fights right where we would just yell at each other and then I'd storm out right and I'd have time to process and I'd come back in and I'd be like ugh I realized my reaction to the previous situation is based on trauma from a former relationship that I shouldn't bring into this current space. Don't get too excited baby girl and then my husband would come in and he'd be like I want you to know that I hear you and I see you. I was like I hate us. I don't want to be us. I want to jump us. I don't like us. I come from a family where you flip a table to make a point you know what I'm saying like this feels too healthy you know what I'm saying and I got a temper on me. I'm not proud of it but it's something I know about myself right like I got one of those tempers where I'll get real mad real bad real fast yeah and then five seconds later I'm like we're cool. He'll be like Gina you burned down the house. Okay but I'm a new woman now. Yes I burned down the house but I also called the fire department and in therapy they call that growth so how about you respect my journey. It ain't easy. I remember our biggest fight was also coincidentally our dumbest fight. Yeah it was over socks. Yeah we had the sock fight. He kept leaving his socks everywhere and in my head I was like I know that you know that we have a laundry basket. What is with all this passive-aggressive sock behavior? I'm in therapy so I could therapize and therapy did help me figure out how I could have stopped this fight from happening in the first place because I did something so typical in relationships such a typical thing because what I did was I didn't speak up right away. I let it build. I let it fester. Such a common thing and I'll tell you why that happens. I can only speak to my relationships with men but I'll tell you why that happens guys. The reason why we don't speak up right away is because we have such faith. You already know. We have such faith in your ability to tell when we are upset. We truly believe you're gonna get all of our little subtle hints because that's what we do. That's what we do. Every woman in here can tell you when our partner is upset. Every woman in here. We always know. We always know man. I know. I can tell by the way he breathes. So we always think he's gonna know. He's gonna know. Nope. Nope. And here's the thing. There's a reason why this happens. There's a reason why this happens and it's not based on intelligence. It's about how we think and navigate through the world. The fact is as a woman I have to think 10 steps ahead for my own safety. I can't just walk out the door. I have to figure out where am I going? What time is it? How am I getting back? Who am I going with? Is it even safe for me to go there in the first place? These are the things we have to think about when we're navigating the world. Men don't have to think that far ahead. You don't have to think in the future. You can think in the now. What's happening now? What's in front of me now? If at any point I'm mad at my husband. Yeah. If at any point I am angry at my husband and I were to go into his brain I feel like it would just be like. This is a great day man. She looks weird. I wonder who made her mad man. No clue. He had no idea we were even in a fight. Have you ever had somebody sleep comfortably next to you when you are fuming mad at them? That's a tough one because he was like and I was just up like. I've made you too comfortable. I let it fester. I let it build and then one day I woke up and I was like today's the day. You know when you feel the rage rising in your body before your feet touch the floor. I was like somebody gonna get this rage and I remember I woke up. I was putting my son in his playpen. It was like six in the morning and I saw the Nike check from the corner of my eye and if you've ever dealt with any kind of anger issues then you know that at this point I had to give myself a little pep talk. I was like don't do nothing crazy. Don't do nothing. I had to become my own therapist man. I was like come on you're journaling. You're meditating. You watch that one Brene Brown video. You can do this and I was like you know what I'm not gonna say nothing. I'm not gonna say nothing. I'm just gonna take that sock and I'm gonna cut it up into tiny little pieces and I'm gonna do that for every sock I find until he has no socks and then one day he will wake up and he will go where are my socks and I will press a button and all of the sock fetty will fall from the ceiling and I will go and then I will stab him because I will have snapped. All you hear in the background is my son going wipe your fingerprints up. I joke around about my husband but I love that man. I love being married. I do. I do. I love that man. That's my homie. I ain't gonna lie to you. That's my homie. I love him. We make six years this year coming up September this September. I get anxiety about having kids. My husband and I always said we didn't want kids and now that I'm getting older I'm like hey are we for sure that we don't want kids because that tick tock clocks a tick and I always said I didn't want kids because I like my life just the way it is. I don't want to have a kid and mess it up but all my friends have kids like my friend Maya. She has two kids. She'll tell me sometimes she'll be like oh my god Mateo has the flu. He was throwing up all night. I had to be up at 5 a.m to go to work then I have to pick up Noah from school with foot hand mouth disease whatever that is. I haven't slept since 2006 but it's so worth it. Really? Doesn't sound worth it but then I look at my nephew my sister's son Austin. I love that kid. He's the coolest little kid like he's funny. He's got a good personality. He's kind. He loves people. He's tender-hearted. He has manners. He eats his vegetables. I look at him I'm like okay you know what if I could be guaranteed to have one like that I will think about it but then I look at some of my other friends kids. You ever have a kid in your life that just the thought of spanking them brings you joy because I have some kids in my life that I'd be like oh you wait till your mom turns around he fell down I don't know that was weird. When you don't want kids you take precautions to make sure you don't have them like birth control. Well birth control has hormones and hormones gave me melasma. You know what melasma is? It's a brown skin mustache. Yeah I have a mustache you can't see it because I'm wearing makeup but when I'm not wearing makeup I look like my brother that's messed up sometimes if I don't want to wear makeup and just be fresh face go run some errands when I get to the store they ask me my preferred pronouns they go excuse me ma'am I'm sorry sir I'm sorry they any of those work thanks so now I have a dilemma do I want a brown mustache or brown babies I get the what ifs in my mind about having kids I start thinking well what if I can't chase my dreams anymore because I moved to Hollywood to be an actress I'm still trying to be an actress I mean don't get me wrong I have some very cool credits on my resume like Alvin and the Chipmunks, Our Family Wedding, Curb Your Enthusiasm, some very cool credits on my resume but sometimes when I go to say my prayers I'm like oh come on Jesus bigger credits than that I'll be honest with you guys when I lay my head down at night my dream is not to be a mom my dream is to play a rape victim on Law and Order SVU that's the dream that's my dream I remember when I came close to the dream and I booked my first speaking role on a tv show called The Shield do you guys remember that show it was like a gritty crime drama and I was playing a homeless teenager trying to bum a cigarette off a detective they had me in like a dirty hoodie with a blanket leaned up against the wall I was like oh I'm about to win an Oscar for this I did I called my friends I was like hey how many lines you have to say on tv to win an Oscar and they're like oh Oscars are for movies oh we'll see about that I was convinced this was going to be my big break because the fact that I even booked this role was a miracle in itself this is how it works if you want to be on tv this is how you got to do it you got to get an audition in order to get an audition you have to have a resume to have a resume you have to have tv credits to get tv credits you have to have tv credits like how does that even work I don't know so I just lied on my resume I thought about whatever show was on tv and I just put on my resume okay friends who did you play friend of a friend oh CSI Miami who did you play the girl that dies my fake resume got me a real audition I couldn't believe it I finally had an opportunity to prove myself to show that I'm a good actor that I have what it takes and I remember showing up at that audition and I'm standing there in front of the casting director and she's looking at my resume and she's like wow you were on CSI Miami because there's not a life you keep your mouth closed and she goes wow that's funny because I cast that show I don't remember you I got caught like what would you do in that situation would you just own it and be like ah you got me I was trying to see if you would catch it you did that's a good memory no you don't own it you double down you commit to your life because that's your real audition that's how you prove that you're a good actor oh I looked her straight in the face and I was like you don't remember me girl remember I came in here I did my audition and you're like oh my god you're so good and I was like thank you she knew I was lying but she let me audition anyway and that's the one that I booked that was the shield I was so proud of myself yeah I was so proud of myself I couldn't believe it I remember the day the episode aired on tv I had a premiere party at my house I did everybody came to this party like nobody from the show came but like the who's who of my apartment complex was at this party it was lit we had pizza soda napkins we're all sitting there watching my episode and I know that my scene is the very last scene of the episode because like save the best for last I think that's how it works so we're all sitting on the couch we're all watching my episode and I'm like okay here comes the detective he's about to ask me my question and then the credits start rolling they cut my part my big break it broke I was humiliated like getting your part cut from a tv show when you're home by yourself that's embarrassing but in front of all your friends and pizza and that wasn't even the most embarrassing part of the night the most embarrassing part of the night was having to say thank you for coming as people left my party thanks for coming you it's fine honestly who cares like seriously I don't even care okay bye and she's beautiful just a stunning human being so people would message me and be like aren't you a having a beautiful woman around your husband all the time and I was like no not even a little bit like if anything she got me to step my game up she did because like when she moved in I started doing that one thing um what do they call it try I started trying I started wearing clothes with zippers and buttons again hey look at me go I had to step my game up not because I was concerned about my husband I just didn't want the neighbors to think that she was wife number one her son Elijah he was 10 years old when they first moved in and he's used to being parented by one person a single mom who's doing the best she can so he knew how to work the system then they move in with us and now he has three adults looking after him he loves that part and we all have a role in the house Penelope is his mom she tells him what to do and what not to do because she's the mom but if he doesn't listen that's when my husband Tio Manuel steps in Tio Manuel is like the law of the house yes and my role is I'm the snitch say I won't I'm the one that's like oh are you supposed to be watching YouTube videos before school hmm that's interesting I love Elijah I'm very close with Elijah I'm his godmother I'm Nina so we have the auntie-nephew relationship I've been in his life since day one literally the day he was born I was in the hospital room I saw his head come out and go right back in he wasn't ready it was a long day I love Elijah we're very close he's my godson but something happened when they moved in our dynamic shifted to be more like siblings who fight and I realized we were both fighting for attention he's used to having his mom's attention all to himself then they move in with us and I'm like my best friend lives with me we're going to hang out every day this is going to be great so now I'm the thing in his way but he's also the thing in my way he doesn't have siblings so he doesn't know how to share I don't have kids I don't know how to share so now we just bump heads sometimes Elijah and I will have good conversations with each other but other times I just see him in the hallway and check it I snitch on Elijah but he snitches on me too because we have security cameras around the house and he didn't know this at the time but they record audio I got a notification on my phone that there was motion in the backyard so I click on it what's this and it's him talking to his mom and he was complaining about me I'll tell you guys what happened right before that give you a little bit of backstory we were in the kitchen he had just popped off at the mouth was giving an attitude so I was like okay me too so she took him in the backyard to word him up and be like what are you doing you can't be giving an attitude like something like that I missed the beginning of the conversation by the time I click on it all I hear is him telling his mom oh yeah well why does Nina gotta be sarcastic and little does he know my sarcasm is what paid for this house so you're welcome but now I have to chime in on my camera speaker oh yeah I'm sarcastic what's your feelings oh well if Nina stops being sarcastic you start being homeless we had another big change happen for us because I was born and raised in California spent my whole life there thank you so never did I imagine that in the middle of a pandemic that I would be moving to Nashville Tennessee listen that's very kind of you to cheer for that because I am well aware that people from Nashville do not like Californians moving here and hey get it me either let's cut it off after me this is getting ridiculous house prices are through the roof traffic is insane this is not the Nashville I remember moving to learning a lot being a California girl living in the south because it's different here I've learned when I go to a restaurant if I order an iced tea it automatically comes with three pounds of sugar in it y'all call that sweet tea we call it diabetes learning a lot very simple things like when I'm in Los Angeles if I go to a store and they're like can I help you find anything I'm like I'm okay and if I'm feeling really friendly that day I'm like I'm okay thanks that's it that's where it ends then I got to Nashville I'm at TJ Maxx one day I can hear the ladies in the row next to me can I help you find anything I'm all right but thank you so much for asking it's my pleasure it's a beautiful day outside yes it is but they say it's gonna rain about three o'clock make sure you get home before the traffic is gonna be a mess bless your heart I was like oh I don't know if I have energy for the south I don't know how to do it like who stops talking first then I look around the corner and neither one of them even worked there and then somebody told me this they were like hey when people say bless your heart they can mean it in a good way or a bad way it's like what like how you do a bad bless and they're like no trust me sometimes that's not what they mean so now anytime somebody tells me bless your heart just to be safe I reply with bless your heart yeah I wish you would bless my heart bless it again go ahead kind of like the old fighting words at church I'ma pray for you oh that's funny because I'm already praying for you yeah you been on my prayer wall about to lay hands on you too say I won't learning a lot when we first got to Nashville we were trying to figure out what part of the city we wanted to live in like where do we fit in where do we vibe with finding out this county has good schools this county doesn't this county believes in covid this county doesn't I think the craziest part about getting divorced is having to change your emergency contact back to your mom it would be less embarrassing to use a stranger from craigslist truly but uh other than that it went pretty smoothly like we still have a lot of love and respect for each other he's also a comedian so we didn't have a lot of assets to split up it's not like there was a summer house and a boat it was like do you want the batman begins dvd who gets the good spatula and after some time had passed we decided that we were gonna try and be friends again and that's always a little weird the first time you try hanging out with an ex as a friend when he saw me he fist bumped me I was like wow honestly I would rather have you fist me that would feel less physically uncomfortable than this nightmare you just put us through hey to that absolutely not and I've had the deadly peanut allergy for most of my life so for the eight years we were together he had to stop eating peanut products because if he did and then kissed me my throat could close so when I saw him I was like oh what's it like to eat peanut butter again he goes oh man we should have broken up a long time ago I don't even blame him have you had peanut butter I can't compete with that I hate that the person I'm with has to give that up that puts way too much pressure on me to be worth the trade-off right like you're gonna rob a man of Reese's for the rest of his life you better be pretty open-minded in the bedroom I'm gonna make a man stop swallowing something delicious well get ready to start swallowing something gross you gotta fill the void that snickers left missionary with the lights off ain't gonna cut it anymore so I had to learn some new moves and watch some tutorials that's what I call porn it's just uh just educational for me now I just watch with a little notepad like oh pretend to gag okay seems good I do think it's easy when you get married to stop trying as hard in bed but god if you get divorced and you start trying to date again it's like having to come back out of retirement yeah it's like you gotta start stretching get ready to run another bj 5k like no I just did this somebody moved the finish line back another 10 years oh I can't even see it do we have any uh married people here tonight that was a pretty sad sound you guys were faking it a little bit like some of you just treated it like a silent auction just so sad anybody here been married for a really long time like over 20 years you guys are so cute how long you been married 21 give it up for 21 that's a long time yeah so you guys get it if you've been working the same job for over two decades you start to cut some corners right but if it is your first week at a new job you are hustling I'm sure you dudes have figured out by now that the best job you ever get from us is the first because women we're so competitive we know that you're about to compare us to every other one you've ever had so we just enter the arena that night like I will be queen give me that pull out all our tips and tricks hurt our knees throw her back out we want a trophy we will give head to get ahead but then you get married and you start to treat like you're assembling ikea furniture just skip a few steps and by the end you're like next time I'm hiring somebody else to do this hello righty tighty lefty Lucy let's get the hell out of here we got to go to Costco I tried to avoid the whole post-breakup identity crisis one of my friends went through a breakup and she got this dramatic haircut afterward as a revenge move against her ex she's like if he sees me he's gonna know he missed out on this whole other me like a guy has ever seen a haircut and been like never got asymmetrical lob Lisa you guys never know when we change our hair right you're not even observant of yourselves before the divorce I was cuddling with my ex and I felt like my leg had been stabbed I looked down his toenails look like he cut them with his teeth they're all jagged like you could unlock a secret door in a haunted house I was like do you have a best friend with a matching jagged toenail you put them together to make a best friend necklace is that what you're is that what you're doing I'm turning stone to a prison shiv and I was like what is this he goes I just didn't notice oh I sure did when you shanked my achilles tendon I'm bleeding out because I feel like this stuff only gets worse with you guys with age like we've all seen the really old men with thick tufts of raccoon hair growing out of their ears I'm sure that guy's wife has been telling him to trim it for years and he just can't hear her Matt it's like yelling into a fan it's coming right back in your face I just sat next to a very old man on a plane recently and I had my notebook out and he leans over and goes it's nice to see somebody writing and not on their phone and I was like oh he doesn't know I'm writing jokes about cum I was like oh suddenly candy crush doesn't seem so bad huh Wendell I mean I booped him booped him on the nose love that Wendell does feel a little weird to start over now in my 30s but at least I know now what I like and don't like in a relationship for example I don't care how hot you are I'm still never gonna eat your ass not a fan of the devil's chocolate no thank you and I'm fair about it I don't ask anybody to eat mine either okay there's no need women have a lot of holes down there it's like a mini golf course just skip the one that's in a lagoon just don't even look at it I do think I made an actual good choice recently I just quit being vegan after a year and a half of doing it back in these meat streets oh man does it feel good yeah no one wants you around my ex-husband and I we went vegan together on January 1st 2020 and then two months later we were divorced am I saying that veganism ruins marriages yeah I am I am but if we kept on eating nachos we would have been too happy and too sleepy to notice our problems there's not a lot of divorce in the midwest people think it's religion it's cheese curds cheese can do what God can't a couple hasn't had sex in 20 years but they eat a cheese curd and go you know what one more day I'll think about divorce tomorrow but right now I'm gonna face **** this cheddar I'm gonna get lost in this plate so I just saw something online that burned my eyes I just found out that I'm on wiki feet does anybody here know what wiki feet is a few of you nodding a lot of dudes that are like don't make eye contact with me right now if you don't know what wiki feet is it's a website for people with foot fetishes so women if you post a photo on instagram that shows your little tootsies the foot folks might do a copy and paste onto wiki feet and then zoom in on your toes and make their keyboards sticky I know it's like scrapbooking for men who need Jesus it's a nice hobby I know that sounds like I'm king shaman I'm really not trying to honestly I am so jealous that some people can get off from that like I wish I could just stare at a dude's hairy kneecap and get tingles in my basement what a life I would live on wiki knees oh I would get nothing done so much harder than that so somebody told me that there's this profile of me on wiki feet and at first when I heard that I was like oh does that mean I have hot feet I'm so flattered then I went and looked I saw that the foot fetish community has rated my feet only 2.3 out of five stars which they call okay feet I was like oh apparently I have applebee's feet it's like you'll put it in your mouth but you won't tell anybody about it kind of a two for tuesday deal and a few months before the pandemic hit some dude slid into my dms and just said two grand for foot vid now Denver make some noise if you would send a video of your feet to a stranger for two thousand dollars godless animals all of you my ears jesus some of you just throw your areola up on facebook for a dollar handsome uncle seeing it you don't give a ---- you're like venmo me my dollar aunt sherry I earned this this is a solid nip so I mentioned that my ex and I we were together for a really long time so we knew so much about each other but one thing that he didn't know about me until toward the end I told him that sometimes I pee in the shower and by sometimes I mean every time and don't you guys act like you don't do it too we are all swamp monsters there is no drug in the history of time with a higher addiction rate than peeing in the shower okay you think you're better than that you think you're above doing it and then you let yourself do it one time and you're like well I guess I'm doing this every day for the rest of my life it is the best I feel like I'm on vacation every day just carefree living and I thought that he and I were gonna bond over it you know like maybe we had the same dirty little secret and instead he was like what gross that means every time I shower I've just been standing in your pee I was like I do it while I'm showering like the water takes it down the drain immediately you're acting like I walk into our bathroom drop my pants stand in the shower and just piss on dry porcelain like a serial killer and then get out put my pants back on and just leave you a puddle of urine like a feral cat I was like I'm gonna start peeing on your pillow give me some real problems this is nonsense one of my friends told me that apparently we're all supposed to throw our pillows away once a year and get new ones you guys been doing that uh feels good to be gross together huh we all have such a weird attitude toward pillows because it costs like 10 bucks but we all keep the same disgusting pillows for decades like it's the great depression like we're some old prospect or like well this here's the pillow they gave me at the orphanage and I'll be goddamned if this ain't the same pillow I die with why pillows and towels right like we never get rid of towels they just eventually become the ones you like dry the dog with why are you holding on to so many do we all think we're gonna have like a home birth someday I'm gonna sop some stuff up my grandparents towels are historical artifacts at this point I don't know if you visited your elders recently they have washcloths that look like they were woven from wheat I'm like did this belong to Jesus I feel like I'm drying my face with a triscuit my eyelids are bleeding so I got on dating apps for the first time last year and uh they let me onto the celebrity dating app which listen obviously they use the term celebrity real loosely okay if they saw my wiki feet they'd be like absolutely not we got she can't sit with us yeah they let in somebody who's 32 and still shops at forever 21 so I for sure tricked them uh I know that store is trash but I just can't stop going I just love it so much the last time I was there I told the girl at the register that I found a makeup stain on this tank top I wanted and I asked if I could get a discount and she just stared at me with dead eyes and was like it's already only $2.99