Jokes About Marriage _ Laugh Factory Compilation

Nice for me to be anywhere I'm married, so it's just nice to be out. My wife thinks I'm taking the trash out right now. Twelve years I've been married. Here's the deal, people. I think I've become a little bit retarded. My wife does everything. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I... I don't know where my socks are unless I ask my wife. I'm like, where are my socks? They're in the sock drawer. You put them on, you get that big lump under your third toe. You're limping all day at work. How's it going, Bob? How's it look like it's going, Troy? I don't know. I shop at Target. I love Target. I've never been to Target and spent any less than $3,000. Apparently there's a whole bunch of stuff that I desperately need at Target. I get that card, I'm like, hey, I need some shelves for the garage. But we don't have a garage. That's okay. I'll build it around my new shelves. You ever leave the department store and the alarm goes off? The guy that works there goes, go ahead, go. I don't even give a ----, just go. Take whatever you want. Tell your friends, too. That thing goes off 12 times a minute. Tell your friends, I work Monday to Friday, nine to four. Tell them to take whatever they want. You ever buy anything at a department store and they deliver it to your house like nine months later? Like an appliance or something, you know? And you forget they're coming but they call you the night before with that creepy computer message? That scares the hell out of me, right? Thank you for shopping with us, Mr. Robert Marley. Your items will be delivered tomorrow between 10 and 12. You better be home. Better be home or I'm going to kill you, Bob Marley. I'm going to kill you, I'm going to kill your whole family. That's what I'm going to do. You ever get stuck behind the elderly woman at the department store that gets excited when she has exact change? I think we'd all like that four and a half minute time sequence redeposited into our life bank. That comes to $7.33. Take it easy, Nana. You didn't win the Powerball, you sea hag. Let me climb into the bottom of my colossal purse and find the 33. Hold my ankles, Roy. I'm going deep. Still single. I'm not good at dating. It's hard. But I would like to get married one day. I'd like to be like my parents. It's really impressive. They've been married almost 42 years. I mean, to seven different people. But still, not at the same time. We're not Mormon or anything like that. But if most people have a family tree, I would say we have more of a family tumbleweed. Just keeps rolling along, picking up dirt and debris. Nobody knows how they're related to anyone else. We just know not to **** each other. Because we're not Mormon. I got a surprise recently. Very exciting news. We have a new child in the family. My new stepmom. My dad, he's 75 now and just married. Lucky number four. His soulmate du jour. And it's actually pretty cool. We have a lot in common. We're both six foot blonde and way too ******* young to be married to my dad. She's skinnier than me with bigger boobs. So **** her. No, she's great. Just in my family, we're only nice to people we don't like. I gave her a nickname. I pretty much call her the worst possible thing a 30-year-old woman can call a 38-year-old woman in public. Which is mom. Yeah, she was good. But then, like, I hate when she acts like she's my mom. Like, I stayed with them over the holidays, right? And I was all dressed up to go out. And as I'm walking out the door, she's like, you are not leaving the house wearing that. Like, you're not my mother. You can't tell me what to do. She's like, no, I'm not. But that is my dress. And you're stretching it out. First of all, anybody here in a relationship longer than six months? Anybody together with somebody longer than six months? Clap if you can. Clap, clap. Right on. Cool. Yes? Dude, you know then. You know this is true. Make sure you always watch your tongue. Make sure you say, you take my breath away. Not, you suck the life out of me. When you're single, you get a booty call, right? When you're married, you get a moody call. Right? Same words, different attitude. You're single. It's like, what are you doing? Who are you with? Bring condoms. When you're married, it's like, what are you doing? Who are you with? Bring milk. I'm trying to joke around. You mean leche? No time for jokes. **** my girlfriend. Come home now. Get over here. You're like, ah. You ever lie on the cell phone? You're like, I'm on my way. I'm almost there. I'm driving. And they try to catch you. And they're like, really? You're almost here, huh? What exit sign do you see right now? I don't know. It's blocky. I can't quite. There's a truck in the way. Eee, eee. Your friend's in the back. Bonk it. You're like, I'm on my way. You haven't even left. You're on my way. You haven't even left the club yet, right? In the background, they hear people talking, music. Coming to the dance floor. It's Peaches. Oh, wait a minute. Let me put my freckles in here. Oh my god, are you in a strip club? No, I'm not. I was driving. It's an all stripper radio station. It just popped up on XM radio. I don't know what it is. It's called K-Pole. I don't. But God bless me. This is a true story. God bless me with great parents. Because two of the kids in my family were adopted. Isn't that awesome? Yeah. But my parents never told us which two. That'll mess you up, man. I was talking that over with my brother, Lee Fong. And he thought it was Abdul. I thought it was the twins. No one knows. One of us wasn't the one. Stay with me, Sparky. Stay with me. That was good. All right. So I have been married for 26 years. And I'm going to look around the room and decide who's married and who's dating. I'm just going to decide. Dating. You're marriage age, but you're dating. Yes or no? What are you? Dating? Nailed it! I'm telepathetic. Let's see. Let's find a married couple. There. Married? Yes? Nailed it! Here's how you know. Dating people always have to be touching. He's got her in a headlock right now. You're not getting away like you did last week. And the married couple is like three and a half feet apart. Like, oh, you're still here? All right. Cool. When I was dating my wife, every touch was foreplay. Every touch. I'd be like, hey, could you hold that? Oh! I've been married 26 years now. You know what foreplay is for us? Tonight, that guy's going to be going, honey, how do you plug this in? See, you might get a little action if he does some housework. I really like him, but I can't work with him. Can we rotate him out or what the hell? Super nice guy down here, but he's looking up at me going, I may not be a smart man, but I do know what love is, Jenny. Mama always told me women are like a box of chocolates. They don't do well in heat. In heat means they're ready to go. I can't slow down for you anymore. I'm not going to leave you back, but these people are partiers. I'm going to go like this when the punchline comes, okay? When you see that move right there, cackle like a banshee, my friend. Come to daddy. Yes, right there. Come to daddy. He's got sisters. Do you have sisters? I do. Nailed it! He was ready. He wanted to do backhand. He wanted to start with whatever that move is. Let's just say the past year has been interesting. I got married, so yay. Okay, let's all ******* relax. I'm like, do you know what marriage is? It doesn't end well. Even when you're together, it's like, what are we? No, it's interesting. I appreciate the applause, but it is weird, though. Anyone married here? Married people here? When you got married, didn't you notice there were people who were so excited for you, you were a little creeped out? This one girl, she was like, oh my God, Jamie, I heard the amazing news. God, so awesome. How did you know, girl? How did you know he was the one? I was like, oh, when I was 32 and not married. Just kind of hits you, you know? There's not a lot of puzzle piecing that goes into this. It's not like a world of whimsy. It's just kind of like a sad reality. Have you ever been to a wedding where the bride is wearing a tiara, and you're like, I'm sorry, what are you the princess of? Giving up? What are we doing? Are you the Kate Middleton of settling? Calm the **** down. You have a problem. She's like, it's my big day. I'm like, it's your medium day. Relax, you idiot. You ******* toolbox. Saying to someone, saying to a married person, how did you know he was the one? That's like going up to a first grader and being like, how did you know you wanted a My Little Pony? It's like when Brittany, Ashley, Jennifer, and Jennifer's friend got one. Okay? The horse isn't that great. I just don't want to be the only bitch without something to brush. You know what I mean? That's kind of where I'm coming from. I don't know if that's a soured reality. My husband's great. He's great. No, it's fun. I like being married. I really am. I'm very pro-marriage. I think it's really great. You start to build a foundation, and that stuff's exciting. I'd be lying if I said I don't constantly think about hooking up with other people. It's a very normal thing, and I wish more people would talk about it. But you know what? The hooking up, it's a very specific thing that I crave. It's not like the touch of a new person. I don't give a ---- about that. It's that when someone doesn't love you, such as someone in a hookup situation, when they don't love you, they're willing to take a risk. You know what I mean? My husband won't choke me because he wants me to live or whatever, and that's ******* basic and irritating. I miss the hand coming up, and you're like, oh my god, is he going to insert an Invisalign? And then it just stops at your neck, and you're like, ah, this is so much hotter than straight teeth. You're like, take my breath away. It's just fun, you know? But yeah, all my friends are getting married now, and I feel kind of left behind. And I feel like every time I speak to one of my friends from home who's married, they're always like, Esther, I'm telling you, the day that I met my husband, I just knew he was going to be my husband. I'm just like, that's crazy. You're just lying, or you say that for every guy you meet in case he proposes to you. It's obvious, okay? I know, I'm a girl, I do it too. Okay, if you're the barista at Starbucks and you've handed me my drink, I've already pictured you in a tuxedo with my family crying behind us. Don't make eye contact with me unless you're ready to put a ring on it, sir. I'm just kidding. All my married friends, too, always accuse me of being cheap because I never want to go out and do stuff. They're like, let's go get manicures. I'm like, I can't afford a manicure, okay? You're married. You have a double income, okay? When you're married, it's like everything is just 50% off all the time. Okay, there's a man at home who's just going to pay the bills no matter what you do. It's great. I don't have that yet. I can't afford manicures. I haven't had a manicure since my sweet 16, which looks like it was a week ago, but I promise you it was 10 years ago. My hands are filthy. I can't even masturbate without giving myself a yeast infection. Do you know how hard it is to find a gynecologist on Groupon? They're not there. If you're getting married, anybody getting married? Anybody get engaged recently? You're getting married, sir? Oh, congratulations. When are you doing it? On Wednesday? This Wednesday? You're lying. I think you're lying right now. People don't get married on Wednesdays. You get your car washed on Wednesdays. I love when people pull that ----, though, right? You ever get invited to a wedding and it's not on a Saturday, it's on a ******* Friday out of town? Yeah, let me kill three days of work for your shitty wedding. Yeah, we got a better deal because we did it on a Friday. Well, why don't we all chip in and still do it on a Saturday instead of me losing an entire work day, right? A Friday at 11 a.m. Oh, that's one more day I got to travel. Have it on a ******* Saturday. And you know what? Have it in Guam. Then I can go, ah, **** it, I can't make it. Don't do the vows either. I think people go over the top with the marriage vows. It's like, you know, all of a sudden you've never, like, you write ---- down. You spend three months working on words that you'll say to a person and you will never speak that way to them again for the rest of your marriage. You just save it. Don't blow it all up front. Use one of those lines every seven years. Don't get up there like Shakespeare, like, and you, your breath is the soul in my wings. Fire! And the married people are going, oh, shut the **** up. Because you know in a week they're going to be like, hey, where's the mayonnaise? I don't know, where'd you put the ******* mayonnaise? Look, sweetie, you bought them, you're the wind under my wings, but where's the ******* mayonnaise?