(Stand Up Comedy) Bill Burr_ Why White People Look Old _ 🤣

I actually like Los Angeles. I'm one of the few East Coast people that likes it. All my moron New York friends and Boston friends, they come out there, try to get a good slice of pizza at 4 in the morning. They can't. This ******* place sucks. It's not like exactly where I left. What's the point of traveling if it's going to be different? You're so ******* stupid. Get a burrito and go on a hike. What's wrong with you? You're going to go to Hawaii? There's no pond hockey. This place sucks. I got to admit, the only thing that freaks me out about Los Angeles is all the plastic surgery. I don't get it. Why do people get plastic surgery? You know? Why can't you just admit it's over? You know? You had your time. Stop trying to look fuckable in your 50s. It's weird. Their faces yank back. Looking all shiny, right? Not to mention, they haven't even figured it out. You know? Why would you get a facelift? Can't you look at other facelifts and realize they haven't worked all the bugs out yet? Right? That's what you want to look like? Like you just lost a fight three days ago? Don't be a hero. Let somebody else go in there. Take the ******* beach. You lay back. Wait it out. They're just lying to people. I know, it looks great. It looks great. Put a little ice on it. I'll see you in a couple weeks. Hey, take it easy. Jesus Christ, what the **** happened? We followed every step. Did we miss something? Oh, hey, hey, hey. Oh, here's your keys. Here's your keys. There you go. Almost didn't recognize you. You look so young. All right, take it easy. She gone? All right, she's gone. All right, shred everything. Shred it. No, you're nuts. You wait it out. Let them figure it out. Then you ******* go in. Don't be a goddamn hero. You know? Look at hair plugs. Hair plugs don't look half bad now. Saw this guy the other night on TV. He's like, oh, God, I wish I did this 10 years ago. It's like, no, you don't. 10 years ago, when they were stapling ant legs to the top of people's heads. Remember that? Your eyes would water looking at their hairline. Like, is that sewn in? I see pine tar. They used to put you in like a headlock. Hold still. Use like a nail gun. Hold still. Guys would tap out after a row and a half. **** it. I don't give a ----. You wish you got hair plugs 10 years ago. Do you wish you got polio 60 years ago? What else is on your wish list, sir? No, you don't **** with your face. Okay? I understand liposuction. They screw that up. You can put on a shirt, right? There's no shirt for your face. Who do they think they're fooling with their stupid, you know? And then you lie to yourself. I'm just going to do this. Just going to have this done. No, you're not. You're not. What are you? You're just going to wax the fender on your car? Then that's it? And the rest of it looks all shitty? Well, maybe I'll just do the hood. And maybe I'll do the back. That's how it happens. Then you look like one of those real housewives. Face all twisted up. ------- idiots. Anyway, look. Yeah, they're idiots. Do I look like I'm in my 20s? No. You look weird. You look ******* weird. You still look like you're in your 50s. I just can't guess what year anymore because I've never seen that year. I've never seen that shiny ******* look. It's almost like you discovered a new age between 52 and 53. Yeah. People, there's nothing wrong with being 52 and looking 52. All right? You're 52. You didn't get fucked. Yeah. What would you rather be? 52 and look 52 or be 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard? That's your options at this point. You know what's really embarrassing is that the facelift. That's predominantly a white problem. You notice that? I've never seen a black person with a facelift ever. Other than like the Jacksons. But they're all out of their minds, right? Because their dad made them rehearse all day and sleep in the fireplace. Like jamming all night. Get in there, you bastards! No hugs. No kisses. His face permanently twisted up from 50 years of screaming. Sing, ************! It's understandable with them. Hey, do you know why so many whiteys need facelifts? I love that word. I'm trying to bring it back. I love it. It's funny. Whitey! Do you know why? Do you know why so many Caucasians need facelifts? Because we don't know about lotion. See that? Only half of you laughed. That should have been everybody. Yeah, but a lot of you were sitting there like, well, what about lotion? What is this lotion you speak of? And what is the magic therein? Just to put it out there, you can use lotion on other parts of your body besides your dick. Yeah. Have you ever wondered why your dick still looks brand new, but the rest of you is starting to look like an aging pirate? Because you need to increase the circumference of the lotion distribution. All right? You've got skin everywhere. Go! Check yourself out. The bottom of your feet look like a prehistoric riverbed. That's not part of the natural aging process. You dry it out. I'm not judging you. Not judging anybody. I didn't know anything about lotion. Never used it the first 33 years of my life. Never used it. Until one night I was going out with this black girl, right? She was getting ready, and she was just putting that ---- on everywhere. Just slathering it on. I thought she had, like, a rash or something. What do they got, like, poison ivy? What's going on with you? She goes, no, I'm just making sure I'm not ashy. I said, ashy? She goes, dry skin. I went, wow. I guess I freaked her out a little bit, because I was like, wow. She was like, well, white people get ashy, too. I was like, yeah, you know, I don't think we do. For 33 years, no one has ever said, hey, Bill, you look a little ashy. I never even heard that word until you said it. She's like, you're an idiot. Stick out your arm. So I stick out my arm, and ever so gently, she just drags her nails down. This smoke starts coming up. It's like pastry flakes flying off. Track marks. She's signing her name. She's like, you see that? She goes, that's ashy. You're ashy? Freaked me out. I'm like, holy ----, I'm ashy. I didn't know anything about it. All I knew was that I always got itchy in the winter. Couldn't figure it out. Always got itchy in the winter. Why the **** do I get itchy? I thought it meant the bath towel was dirty. That's what I thought. And I would change it out and put a fresh one. Now I'm going to be OK. Take a shower, dry off, ******* itching again. God damn it, I hate the winter. See that? That's why you've got to hang out with everybody. There's too much information in the world, and every group of people misses a little bit. White people totally missed the lotion seminar at some point in history. I don't know if it's because we can't see it. You know? Black people get ashy. It looks like they leaned up against a chalkboard or something. You know? They can see it. They miss it. Their friends help them out. Like, look at your ashy motherfucking elbow. What is wrong with you? Right? We miss that ---- the way black people miss the whole register your weapons summit. Never got the information. The amount of rappers who've been busted for the unregistered Glock in the car just blows my mind. It's like, why would you do that to yourself? Do you just want to make an album over the phone? Is that what it is? Is that like the new autotune or some ----? I don't know. No, it breaks my heart every time I see it. I just think, God, if he just had one white friend. If he just had one white friend in his entourage, the dude would have been sitting there going like, is that thing registered? Are you out of your mind? Get it out of there. Yeah, it's illegal. That's like ******* three to five mandatory. Dude, how do you not know that? That's the question. How do you not ******* know that? This guy's got an unregistered weapon in the car. Like, we're just going to go driving around with it. It's just ridiculous. See, there you go. All right? You don't need a facelift. Okay? Lay off the booze. Do some cardio. Moisturize. You're going to be fine. Okay? Don't believe in these myths. Black don't crack. It's bullshit. They all put lotion on, like, every 20 minutes during the day. It's ridiculous. They all get a giant oil drum of this ---- at home. Every morning they wake up, they dunk themselves in it, shake themselves off, walk out the door absolutely glistening. Glistening. White guys like me are walking around no hat on. Ah, let's go sailing. Passing out face down in the sand. Life can pass you by. It happens. You know, you just keep living and living and living. You know what it is? Basically, I think you've got, like, 25, 30 years to absorb as much as you can. And then that's it. That's all you know. Because right around then, you get married, and it's over. All right? You have a couple of kids. You're sucked in the bubble. You don't have time to pay attention to what's going on in the world. You're just stuck with these kids. Ah, it's shitting all over the place. Don't be a serial killer. Don't touch that. You're just stuck in that. You have three, four kids. That is a 25-year sentence. Trying to get them all through college. Society just keeps ******* going. You get the last month through college. You step back out of the bubble. Just, what happened? You're not even paying attention. You go back to your old record collection. Someone sticks a mic in your face. You're going to get in trouble. Yeah. It's one of the sad things about life. You get old, and it passes you by. I feel it passing me by. I'm 46 years old. I don't even have kids, but I can't keep up anymore. Like, I had a college kid coming up, and I was like, Man, I got to figure out what these kids are into, man. I was 24 when a senior was born. I got to figure out what these dudes are into. So, I guess they were into, like, this, like, DJ music or some ----. So, I'm like, All right. I'll watch some of this. You know? So, I have, like, a reference or two. I don't want to be that old comic coming to the gig being like, What's up with this Monica Lewinsky? Is this crazy? I mean, this Y2K. Is my stylist going to work? I don't know. So, I put this ---- on. Dude, I lasted 90 seconds. 90 seconds. I was open-minded. All right. Put it on. 90 seconds later, I'm like this old man. Ah! This isn't music! I was a kid. You dressed like a woman and you sung about the devil. Now, that was music. And you had one ballad every album. Started off in black and white. And when the guitar solo came in, it went to color. That was music. Yeah. All of this ----'s passing me by.