(Stand Up Comedy) Bill Burr_ When White Men Try to Understand Black Culture

Then everybody just starts making fun of your ******* clothes. First they do the math, like, what was that, five days ago? Five days, this ************ got five shirts! Five shirts! And they start breaking it down. Yo, his first shirt be saying Monday. Next ---- be saying Tuesday. Yo, on the weekend, he ain't be wearing no shirt. I'll tell you, that's actually funny, you know what? That's actually how I judge black guys now. When I first came to the city, like, all black people scared me. I was like the typical white dude from, like, the suburbs, you know what I mean? Had no frame of reference, you know? So my only frame of reference with black people was, like, remember those early 90s gangster rap videos? Sort of the ******* LA riots in there, man. It was ******* horrible PR! I'm watching the videos, look, he's got a nice car, he's got all the women, and he's still ******* mad! These black dudes are never happy! But after ten years of living in the city, this is how I narrow it down. Whether a black dude scares me or not. Black dudes with dirty sneakers scare the ******* ---- out of me. That's the last ---- that they're gonna let go. The immediate ---- that they have on. So I think, you know, if his sneakers are fucked up, that means his life is fucked up. Every time he leaves his building, the whole neighborhood, Oh, ----! Everyone starts making fun of him. He's on the train in a bad mood. I kind of have this howdy-doody, kind of mug me kind of face. I'm not saying something's gonna happen, I'm just saying. I'm paying attention. So I've been seeing this girl recently. This black girl, right? She lives up in Harlem, you know? Gone out like three, four times. First time we hung out, we hung out in the village area in New York, which is sort of like a racially mixed area. So ---- was cool, you know what I mean? Second time we hung out, it was more like midtown, you know? Then the third time, she called me at like three-third in the morning, and she wanted me to come up to her apartment, right? So it's three-third in the morning, she lives in Harlem, I look how I look, so it's a ******* situation. Yeah, because you know the deal, right? Basically, a white dude feels comfortable up to about like 98th, 99th Street, you know what I'm saying? The second the streets start getting to like triple digits, like 100th, 101st Street, start getting like a little asthma, I'm like, ah, ****, I'm starting to get a little high up here. A little tightness in your chest? 106th Street, you're like leaning on ----, like, dude, where'd all the cabs go? How come there's no taxis up here? Dude, what's a bodega? So I'm praying to God she's gonna tell me to take the subway, get off at like 105th Street, 103rd, you know, which is like the first stop into Harlem where I can still look over my shoulder and see like all the white people like disappearing over the horizon, you know? But she goes, no, man, you want to get on the Uptown 2-3 train, you want to get off at 125th Street. I'm like, ah, ****, 125th Street. Jesus Christ, that's like right in the middle of... I'm gonna be surrounded on all four sides. I can't ******* deal with this. So at this point, I'm really trying to hide like the bitchy tone that's starting to creep into my voice, you know? And I'm trying to ask for really specific directions when I get up there, because I want to know exactly where I'm going. So she starts naming the streets I have to go down, and every other street up there is named. That's like a black leader, you know? She's like, make a left on Adam Clayton, take a right on Frederick Douglass. I'm like, ah, ****, Adam Clayton. Did he kill a bunch of white people during the slave revolt? That's all I know on Adam Clayton. **** this ----. So at this point, I'm really having a battle with myself, because I'm thinking I can't do this, right? I'm like, I can't do this, but my dick's going, no, come on, man, we can do this, all right? Just relax. Pull yourselves together and get on the goddamn train, right? So as always, I listen to my dick. Oh, yeah, I get on the train. By the time I get up there, it's like 5 or 4 in the morning, right? I'm standing on, like, Malcolm X and, like, Danny Glover or some ----, right? When I see the street I want to go up. I want to go up St. Nick. I can literally see her apartment building, but there's, like, five or six black dudes standing right on the corner, right where I want to walk by. So I'm like, ****! I felt like I was on, like, some reality show at that point, like some sort of, like, white guy survivor. It was ridiculous. So I'm thinking, I got to walk right by these guys, right? You know what's funny? I think that they were actually more surprised to see me than I was scared, you know? And I was really, really scared, you know, but I'm also really, really white, you know? Like, shockingly Caucasian. You know what I mean? Like, if you're not ready for me, I can, like, surprise you. No, especially if you live up there. You've probably seen a white person for hours, possibly days. So when I show up, it's almost, like, magical. Like, a leprechaun came out of nowhere, you know? Felt like I should have, like, a little pot of gold. Like, a rainbow behind me. Top of the morning to you, latte! Kind of dance my way past them. But it's been going all right, you know? Once I get in her apartment, I'm fine, you know? I relax, sit down, you know, watch a hip-hop countdown. Pretend like I know the groups, you know what I mean? It's just getting there that's the ******* pain in the ass. But, you know, I don't get mad at it, because I figure, you know, black dudes got to go through the same ----, though, right? When you go out to the suburbs, go **** a white girl. Right? Just that same awful feeling of just leaving your people behind, you know, just less and less of you as you're ******* driving out there. Probably start off lean, and you're all ******* cool. Twenty minutes in, you're driving, like, ten and two, the baby's out, like, dude, I don't like this ----. I don't like this ---- at all. There's too much grass, I don't see any rims. This is fucked up. None of the windows are tinted. I can clearly see white people in every car. This is fucked up. Listen, you guys were awesome. Thank you so much for coming. I had a real weird experience last time I came down here. I was in Nashville, right? Sort of an awkward social situation, right? I'm sitting at this bar. There's this white dude sitting, like, two stools away. I don't know him. He doesn't know me. And that Terrell Owen story was in, like, sports news. So I try to make conversation. I'm like, man, look at this guy. This guy just signed a $40 million contract. He's already bitching, man. How much money do you need to make? And the dude looks at me. He's like, you know what I say? And then he looked over his shoulder, which I now know is the telltale sign that the N-word is coming, and it's coming hard. Oh, yeah, it's not gonna be pronounced with the A. It's gonna be with the R. And he hit the R. He, like, stuck the landing. There was, like, a dismount. Clan members high-fiving in the background, like, doing the wave. Just out of nowhere. So now, immediately, I'm looking over my shoulder, like, dude, what the hell are you doing? You know what I mean? I'm waiting for, like, this hail of black fists to come raining down on top of me. I hate when people do stuff like that. That dude made me part of, like, a potential ass-kicking that I had nothing to do with. You don't do ---- like that. He just had that word, hot potato, just threw it in my lap. Trying to pass it down to the next white dude. I hate when people do that, man. You know, it's like, dude, feel me out first. Ask some questions. Do you like to fish? Have you ever fucked your sister? Right? I start rattling off answers. Then you go old school. You give me a pamphlet. You tell me about your militia. You don't just dive into it. That dude was one of the angriest people I ever met. I should have known that word was coming because he was just watching Terrell, right? Anytime I would bring up, look it, man, that guy's talking trash, he would just, like, flip out. He won't shut up! You know how those people get, like, so mad they're not even looking at you? Their eyes are up. You just shut up and play the game! You know what's funny? I don't even like Terrell, but now I love the guy. Because every time I see him talking trash, I know this idiot in Nashville is just losing his mind, like, kicking over his kitchen TV. Shut the **** up! I like violence, man. I am. I don't like when it happens to me or if I see it live. I like watching it on TV, you know? Watching people, you know, get attacked by animals. Just get blasted in the face or something, you know? Like, I'm a huge sports fan. You know my favorite, like, moment of, like, the last year was in sports? That Detroit Piston, Indiana Pacer, Bench Climber and Brawl. Wasn't that great? That was one of the greatest things I've ever seen. I was so confused when I watched ESPN that day. They were like, that was absolutely disgraceful. Basketball fans. I'm sitting there looking like, I'm a basketball fan. I loved it. I thoroughly enjoyed watching out-of-shape civilians get the ---- kicked out of them by professional athletes. It was fascinating. And I think as sports fans, we kind of had it coming, right? Because how many times have you gone to a game, right? You got a little too drunk. You started screaming at some dude on the field who could clearly kick the ---- out of you, right? If you saw him in the parking lot, you'd be like, hey, can you sign my stamp collection? I think you're awesome. You get in the game, you're all drunk. You're like, you suck, buddy! You're a piece of ----! And they're always calling him up. Come on up here! No, come on up here! They came up there. They did, and they kicked the ---- out of everybody. It was great. It was like a cartoon. You're like beating up whole rows of people at once. Like... I loved every second. I love how Ron Artest punched the wrong guy. Wasn't that great? He taught that dude a valuable lesson in life. When ---- goes down, you don't just stand there like you're watching a movie. Like, wow! It's coming right at me! Must be in 3D or something! That was a 5-foot-6-inch, 110-pound white dude had an angry 6-foot-10-inch black dude running right at him. That had to have been in his top three nightmares all time. Right behind getting his dick cut off and being lit on fire. And he just stood there! He's like trying to explain himself. Well, I still have the liquid in my cup, so there's no way I could've... He's an idiot! I mean, that's just like what's entertainment for me now, you know? I like that Jimmy the Greek moment that happens in sports, you know? Like once every 4 or 5 years, you know that? Like some 50, 55-year-old white dude tries to explain why black people are kicking the ---- out of white people in practically every major sport, you know? And it always goes down the same way, right? There's always like three white dudes and the one white dude in the middle. He's always like the guy with the theory. It seems these African-American athletes, they seem to have this quick twitch muscle farm. You know, there's slow twitch and there's quick twitch. And the second the dude says that, like the other two white dudes start like sliding out of frame like, okay, this guy's getting fired and I'm not gonna be part of this highlight. Nice knowing you, Ned. Keep that seat warm, right? And the dude in the middle, he's just like hell-bent on getting fired, you know? He starts like bringing up slavery and evidently they were breeding the strongest man with the strongest woman and that quick twitch. And literally 20 minutes later, that dude's on TV. He's like fired, right? He's crying. His family's staying there. He's got like a box of ---- from his desk with like an Emmy sticking out. He's like, I don't know what I said. I was just talking about the quick twitch and the slow twitch. I wasn't just trying to make a point. No, I love that. I love seeing people mess up their careers like that. It's just funny to me. Plus, I gotta admit, as a white dude on some level, I have to believe in that theory because it's like, are white dudes that bad at basketball? I can't even watch the NBA anymore, man. It's like every highlight, the white dude's like that. The black dude has nuts in his face. I'm just sitting at home like, for the love of God, tackle the guy. Jesus Christ, get out of the way. Do you ever get tired of those two nuts flying over your head? You know you're gonna be on SportsCenter. Just get out of the way. Dude, I'm telling you, there's gotta be something to that theory. I saw this show one time on Runaway Slaves. It was one of the most amazing programs I've ever seen in my life. Dude, when you ran away as a slave, you just didn't run to the end of the driveway and be like, ah, **** that job. You just start walking down the street. Dude, you had to like run through whole states. There's dogs chasing you, you're hurtling ----, you're swimming. Those were the first ******* triathletes. And there was nobody helping him out. There was no dude on the side of the road like, come on, man, two more states, you're in Ohio. Suck it up, you're looking good, looking good. Dude, you were on your own. Did any wonder? 250, 300 years of that ---- and then I'm gonna D you up in gym class. It ain't happening. I come from hundreds of years of alcoholics. I got like half a liver, you know what I mean? It's just... You know what's funny to me about that stuff? You can't even like, you know, I obviously know that theory's crazy, but it's just like you can't even bring up how well black people are doing in sports. Everybody gets all weird about it, which I don't understand because it's like a compliment. You know? Like feel how weird it is right now. You know, I just brought that ---- up all of a sudden. I'm saying something good, right? I saw a coach get in trouble for that ----. His team was like 0-6 or something. They just couldn't win and every week the press was just getting on him more and more and more, right? And the dude, he was just like flustered and he had like a moment of honesty. They were like, why can't you guys win a game? He's like, you know, I don't know, the offense isn't getting it done, you know, defense too slow and it just run out. Tell him, we gotta get some more black guys on this team. And immediately everybody's like, what? Everyone started freaking out like they had no idea what this dude was talking about. It's like, are you watching SportsCenter or do you see the Olympics? Like I love the 100 meter dash, right? There's always like 9 black dudes and that one token white guy in like lane 8. I'm just sitting there going, come on man, one time. Just one time. Just win the bronze. Just do what you gotta do.