Bill Engvall Stand-Up Comedy _ Pair of Jokers (1990)

Thank you very much. Thank you. I'm originally from Texas. I was born and raised down there. I like being from Texas. Yeah, we got Texans here tonight? Yeah. I love that, because when you're from Texas, you grow up with our little Texas sayings. Things that we just make up, like, I'll tell you what. That's it. That's a complete sentence in Texas. I'll tell you what. What? Well, Haley just told you. And you don't hear too much about the metric system in Texas, which is fine by me, because I don't understand it. I don't know how far or how high a meter is. Hell, you tell me to run a 400-meter dash, ----, I'll run all day long. And I've only used the metric system once in my life. I usually get out of a ticket. I got pulled over in Alabama. This big old fat cop comes up in the car. He goes, you know how fast he was going? I said, about 85 kilometers an hour. That's a speed limit, isn't it? And he went... Well, hell, I don't know. I seen that on Jeopardy one time. But they don't need the metric system in Texas, because they measure things in shitloads. Like, you better not lift that boy. That thing weighs a shitload. And they look at things completely different than you people do. Last time I was home, I was driving around. I had a flat tire. I pulled the car away to a side of the road gas station. The attendant walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, I swear to God, he said, tire go flat? I said, no. No, hell, I was driving around. Those other three just swilled right up on me. I just hate stupid people. I think stupid people should be forced to wear signs. That just say, I'm stupid. That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You know, you wouldn't ask them anything. You know, it's like, excuse me, oh, never mind. I didn't see your sign. And that's my job. My job is to make fun of stupid stuff, and there's a lot of it out there. It's like, before my wife and I moved from Texas to here in California, our house was full of boxes. My friend comes over, he goes, hey, you moving? I said, no. We just pack our ---- up once or twice a week. You see how many box it takes? Here's your sign. Next time you're in a drugstore, pick up a tube of Preparation H on the cart, and it says, do not take this orally. That's sad. Because you know somebody wrote him a letter. Dear Preparation H, I ate this whole dang tube. I still got these hemorrhoids. Man, my mouth's so small, I can't even eat a jellybean anymore. I saw something stupid right here in Los Angeles. I saw a guy driving a Yugo with personalized license plates. That man needs a sign. Because you know the plates cost him more than the car. I'm sure some of you ladies here at night use curling iron. Did you ever get a chance to read the warnings on these things? I swear to you, it says, the first time you use this curling iron, you may notice a slight odor and some smoke. Hell, that means your hair's on fire. There's warnings on the blow dryers, too. It says, do not use while sleeping. Has this become a problem? Because I don't know about the rest of you, but I cannot count the number of times I've been sound asleep. Woke up, I was doing my hair. What a stupid way to die. Can you imagine if you died that way and people was reading your obituary? It says, here he died blow drying his hair. What a puss. There's another warning, it says, do not use this blow dryer in the shower. Who's writing this pamphlet? He ought to have to wear a damn sign. Y'all ever been in the shower? Honey, I'm done shampooing my hair. Hey, toss me that blow dryer. Maybe that's how those kids get their hair to stand up. Now they're running around the malls with their shoes untied. God almighty, don't you just want to smack them. It's like, come here, Skippy. Pow! Now tie your damn shoes and take that sign with you. You know what you do when you see these kids? Just start kicking them in the ass. Just like, hey. You could run away if your shoes were tied, couldn't you? Flying's getting to be stupid anymore, man. American Airlines had a jet land in Dallas with no wheels. Isn't that wonderful? Now we got pilots power sliding into airports. It's like, get off. Then Delta had that crash in Dallas. You hear this whole story? The people who survived that crash, they put them on another Delta flight. It had to abort its takeoff because of engine problems. Don't you know the people in that plane were thinking, hey, I got an idea. Why don't you just shoot us in the head right now? Getting ready to celebrate my seventh wedding anniversary. I have a lovely wife. We've been married seven years, I guess. I just wish before I'd gotten married somebody published a manual called Shit That's Gonna Change When You Get Married. And it goes for men and women. Like, we got married, our toilet water turned blue. You pee in it, it turns green. It's like, baby, we got mood water here. Either that or I'm real sick. Sex change when you get married. Every guy in this room has said this at least once in his life. Yeah, I know when I get married, I'll have sex every day of the week till the day I die. Yeah, and the check's in the mail, pal. There's no way. Because when you're single, sex is great. Because you make noise. The more noise you make, the better loved you are. You'll scream for no reason. Just so your friends will go, yeah. Heard ya. And my wife's a coupon clipper, which I hate. I'll pay whatever the groceries cost. You know? Just don't make me mess with those coupons. Because we always have, like, a mound of groceries. She whips out this Warren Peace booklet of coupons. And I can hear the guy behind me going, oh, ****. I want to get these grapes. There are going to be raisins by the time this chick's done. You know what else she does? She clips this little coupon, and if you mail it in, they'll send you a check for a dollar. My wife does it. And then she goes, would you put this in the bank? And I'm like, no. No, I'm not taking a god dang dollar check and going through that grief. She goes, well, you're doing well, Mr. Ingram. Can we put this in a CD for you? And of course, before you have kids, you have pets. We have pets. Cats. We just had our cat neutered. And, you know, you neuter a dog, they kind of understand. You know, it's like, all right, all right, all right, all right. Man, I knew this was going to happen. You neuter a cat, you better get ready for the guilt trip of your life. We brought this cat up from the vet. He's dragging his butt on the carpet. He's like, look at me. Bastard. What's missing from this picture? What am I going to tell my friends? I used to be somebody in this neighborhood. And my wife's berserk about this cat. She taught this cat how to go to the bathroom in the toilet. Do you know how bizarre that is? To get up at seven in the morning, stagger in the bathroom. Oh, hey kitty. He's sitting there with the paper. Bill, what's happening? Boy, that Garfield's a hoot, isn't he? I bet he's still got his balls. See, we got one of the dumbest dogs in the world. We got a cocker spaniel, doorbell rings, he pees on everything. I swear, it's like, somebody's here. It's like, good boy, good boy. I'll get that door now. And my wife's got her own dog, Max. Max the shitting machine, is what I call him. This dog is possessed. He'll wake up in the middle of the night and go, hey Bill, psst, Bill. You don't need to take me out, I just ---- on the road. I mean, what can you say? Appreciate your honesty. And these dogs are indoor dogs, which I don't mind, except when my wife and I make love, our dogs watch us. And I know they're just dogs, but it's just disconcerting. I'm trying to be romantic and there's these eyes at the edge of the bed. It's like, ooooh. Nice move there, Bill. Geez, don't that hurt your back? Max just ---- on the rug again. But my wife's one of the best mothers in the world, too. We have a beautiful little girl. My wife breastfed our baby, which was great for the baby. For me, it was nine months. Well, hell, they look nice. Our whole marriage, my wife's just flat chested. Then she got pregnant, we're just like, yeah! Christmas, come early. But I couldn't do nothing with them. And our little girl knew I missed my friends. Because she'd be feeding and just go, ha ha ha. I was like, hey, either eat on them or get off them. Don't be licking on them like that. Because I can't take that. You know, my wife asked me one night, we're lying in bed, she goes, do you want to know what the breast milk tastes like? And I went, no. And she said, why? And I said, honey, I lick a dog ---- on, that tastes like either. There's some things in life, folks, I don't care what it tastes. I like my milk cold, I'm sorry. You know, sit in the refrigerator a couple hours, maybe we'll talk. Hell, I don't know. She's like, yeah, honey, why don't you squeeze me a glass of that? Let me get some Oreos, I'll be right back. And my wife went nuts with that baby safety stuff. She bought the little thing you put in the light socket, it's got like a combination lock, a lever lock. I was like, why don't you just tell her don't lick the light socket? It's like when a dog pees on electric fence, he won't do it again. And then my wife bought a latch for the toilet lid and did not tell me. Or the cat. So I had been out drinking with my buddies. I come stumbling to the bathroom, it's like, oh no, the toilet's locked. And the cat's like, she didn't lock the sink. I appreciate it. Thank you very much.