HOW AMERICANS ACTUALLY TALK NOT WHAT YOU LEARNED

There's a problem, a problem that you as an English learner have been experiencing. You've been studying English for so long, you know, so many words, but when you get to a real conversation, the words don't come out. Here's the problem in simple words. You've been learning a formal written version of English and trying to use it in casual spoken situations. That's the problem. I want to break this down even more for you. You see, every time you speak, you're unconsciously applying textbook grammar rules to live conversation. And that's not what Americans do. You're constructing complete organized sentences in a world where no one actually speaks that way. And this feels frustrating. You're waiting for your turn in conversations that have no turns. You're just supposed to speak naturally and go with the flow. And you're listening for the words when meaning lives in the pauses, the tone, the half sentences. This is why you've been struggling so much. So today I want you to have a belief shift. Here's the old belief. I need to learn more vocabulary and perfect my grammar in order to sound natural, like a native English speaker. Here's the new belief, the correct belief. Americans aren't speaking better English than me. They're playing a completely different communication game with different rules I was never taught. This is what I want you to realize by the end of this lesson. Are you ready? Well, then let's jump right in. Part number one, part number one is the incomplete sentence awakening. I know it sounds strange. Wait a minute, teacher and complete sentences. Follow me. What is this? You see Americans rarely speak in the complete grammatically perfect sentences your textbook taught you. And this isn't laziness. It's actually efficiency. This is what you have to understand. So let's break this down even more. Why does this actually work? Because it's opposite of what you've been taught. Here's the first reason your textbook trained you to construct full sentences, subject, verb, object, period. Perfect sentences, not a problem. However, real conversation is collaborative. Speakers leave gaps that listeners fill in mentally. Complete sentences in casual conversation. They actually signal distance. I know it sounds weird, but when you speak in complete sentences in a regular casual conversation, there's this awkwardness, this distance that forms. It feels more formal and like something is actually wrong. When you speak in textbook, complete sentences, Americans unconsciously register you as foreign, formal, or uncomfortable, even if they can't explain why this is so true, I'm an English teacher. So I understand an English learners, English, and I can know, ah, they're learning, I'm going to help them continue. Now a native English speaker who was not a teacher will immediately feel something strange. Their grammar is good, but it doesn't feel natural. This is why you have to understand the incomplete sentence awakening. Let me show you what this looks like. Here's the first example, the coffee shop order. I want you to look at this closely. So in the coffee shop textbook, you would say, I would like to have a medium sized coffee with milk, please. Now that is grammatically correct. However, this is what Americans actually say. Can I get a medium coffee with milk? You see the difference, right? Your sentence, again, textbook, you grammatically correct. However, you don't sound American. You don't sound natural. The natural way. Can I get a medium coffee with milk? What you're missing. You see, can I get is the standard American order opener. When you're placing an order, this is what you normally start with. Your version once again is grammatically correct, but it signals unfamiliarity like reading from a phrase book. It's not wrong, but it marks you instantly. Ah, you're not a native English speaker. Ah, you're learning. And it creates this distance. What about this second example? Another good example, showing you this. The work meeting check in. Now here is the textbook. You, I am doing well. Thank you for asking. How are you doing today? Now, grammatically perfect. That was great. Nothing was wrong with the grammar. However, listen to how an American would actually say this. Good, good. You three words. Good, good. You now the grammatically correct sentence. You said, I am doing well. Thank you for asking. How are you doing today? That is perfect. Perfect sentence. However, an American I'm good. Good. How are you? You see the extended response makes colleagues wonder if you're being overly formal nervous, or if something is off, it's a subtle difference. This nuance is what reveals if you are a native speaker, uh, an advanced English speaker or a learner, you see quick abbreviated check-ins signal comfort. And belonging. This is what our goal is for you, my friend, by the end of this lesson, speaking like an American. What about this next example? Another good one. The dinner invitation response. So textbook, you, someone invites you to dinner. You say, yes, that sounds like a wonderful idea. I would be happy to join you. That's a great response. Grammatically correct. However, a native English speaker, an American would say, oh yeah, totally. I'm in. If someone invites me to dinner, my friend, someone I'm close to, I don't say, yes, that sounds like a wonderful idea. I would be happy to join you. It feels like a textbook. I would say, oh yeah, totally. I'm in. You see your complete sentence sounds like you're accepting a business proposal. Remember grammatically it is correct. We're speaking about the nuance, helping you sound more like a native English speaker. It doesn't feel like a casual dinner with friends. If you respond like the textbook, the formality actually creates distance instead of the warmth that is expected. Remember, this is something that happens and it's subtle. So once again, when you're invited to a dinner, you want to say, oh yeah, I'm totally in. So what about our next application to help you sound like an American? You see, the next thing I need you to understand is the filler word permission. Again, the filler word permission. What is this? You see the words your teachers told you to eliminate, for example, like, um, you know, I mean, are actually pay attention are actually essential tools that make speech sound human and connected in casual situations, notice that in casual situations. So let's break this down a bit more. Let me explain why this actually works. This is important. Here's the first reason you see filler words, aren't errors. They're social signals that communicate. I'm thinking I'm not done or connect with me here. They are signals that we as native English speakers actually use. Also you see speech without fillers in casual notice. I keep saying casual settings in casual settings, sound rehearsed or robotic, or like you're reading a teleprompter. When you don't use like, um, so you see, you'll notice as I'm teaching you in the lessons each week, I'll say, you know what I mean? I'm like this. Why? Because I'm speaking naturally. I'm teaching you. I am a native English speaker. So again, when these filler words are removed in casual situations, there's this robotic feeling. Number three, these words create with rhythm, rhythm, rhythm, and breathing room in conversation. They're the musical rests between notes, the musical rest between notes. And number four, this is important. This applies once again, to casual conversation, storytelling and friendly chat, this is not relating to job interviews, formal presentations or professional settings where polish and confidence matters. Remember this lesson is all about conversation that you're having with your friends, people you're comfortable with, casual conversations, helping you sound more natural. Let me give you some examples. Here's example number one, the story at a dinner party. So now this is what I want you to hear. Textbook you would do this. I had an interesting experience at work today. A client called with a complaint. I resolved the situation successfully. This is kind of delivered in a flat way because the sentences are complete. Now listen closely. You know, at the end, I always tell a story. Don't miss story time at the end of this lesson. Now I tell a story. When I tell a story, I do it this way. What sounds natural? Oh my goodness. So today at work, this client calls and he's like furious and I'm like, okay. So I basically had to talk him down for like 20 minutes, broken sentences, but more emotion. It didn't feel robotic. What is this? What you're missing? You see the clean version sounds like you're giving a report, not sharing a story, fillers, create drama, pacing, and connection. Your friends want to feel the story, not receive a summary. What about this example right here? The casual recommendation to a friend. Now the textbook, you would say, I recommend the pasta. It is very delicious. Now that is grammatically correct. Not wrong. However, listen to what sounds natural. Oh, the pasta's really good. I mean, I've only had it once, but yeah, I totally get it again. There's feeling in that response, right? The first one textbook, you, I recommended the pasta. It is very delicious. Grammatically correct, but it feels a bit textbook. It feels robotic. So what you're missing, you see with friends, the hedging, I mean, I've only had it once, this signals, these statements signal you're not being preachy or acting like an authority. It's conversational humility. Your textbook version sounds like you're a food critic, issuing a verdict. Subtle nuances will help you sound more like a native English speaker. Listen to this example right here. The weekend recap with your coworkers, a casual chat. So textbook, you, my weekend was pleasant. I went to the beach. The weather was nice. I enjoyed myself. Your grammar, Oh, absolutely perfect. However, you sound like a textbook. How could you say this in a more natural way? Listen closely. It was so good. We went to the beach and it was like perfect weather. I don't know. It was just really chill. Even as I'm saying this to you, it feels natural to me. Granted, I did write this for the lesson, but it just feels more natural, more relaxed, less robotic. So what are you missing? You see the textbook version sounds like a robot reporting data. The natural version invites connection. The I don't know, isn't uncertainty. It's a softener that says I'm sharing with you. I'm not lecturing you. Subtle nuances will help your English sound more like a native English speaker. You're following right? So filler words aren't bad. Now, before we get to our third one, I want to remind you each time I come to you, I'm helping you sound more like a native English speaker. If you'd like to study with me on a more regular basis, you should join my 365 day English fluency system by going to speakenglishwithtiffani.com forward slash three six five system. Now this system each and every day of the year gives you a lesson to follow to help you start sounding like a native English speaker. Only 15 minutes a day is required. And this is the sponsor myself for today's lesson. So click the link in the description or go to speakenglishwithtiffani.com forward slash three six five system. If you want to follow along with me each and every day of the year and finally start speaking like a native speaker, following a simple system. All right, I'll see you there. Now let's continue to our third application. Our third application is the rhythm over words, reality. The rhythm over words, reality. What is this? You see Americans communicate meaning through stress, pitch, and rhythm as much as through word choice. The same words with different music mean completely different things. I'm going to give you a real world example. It's not even in my notes. This is something that happened when I was with my friend the other day. So two simple words, contraction. I'm okay. Hey, I'm okay. You're at the pitch. I'm okay. However, I said to my friend, I'm okay. She knew immediately. Nope. Tiff, you're saying you're okay, but you are not okay. Why the tone, my tone changed. My pitch changed. My body language changed. Same two sets of words, but the feeling was different rhythm over words. So why does this work? First, you see, you've been trained to focus on vocabulary and grammar while ignoring the melody music of English, the melody of English. This is what's been happening. You see in American English, how you say something often matters more than what you say. I gave you the example. I'm okay. Different feelings, same words. Here's the third reason. You see the word fine can mean 12 different things, depending on how it's delivered. Woo wee. This is so true. And here's the fourth reason. This is why it works. When you speak with flat, even rhythm common for English learners, Americans hear emotional detachment or confusion. Even when your words are perfect, there still seems to be this detachment. Like your grammar is good, but for some reason I'm not really connecting. This is why it's so important to understand the rhythm over words reality. Check out this first example, example number one, the how are you response? Now, same word, different meanings. Fine, short and clipped equals. I'm annoyed. Stop asking. Someone says fine. You ask them how they are. Ooh, they're annoyed. Stop asking. Or if you say, how are you? And they say fine. That means I'm not fine at all. Something is wrong. That fine trailing off again. How are you? Third time using fine. Fine. Higher pitch repeated. I'm great. Excited even. So three different ways. Fine. Ooh, annoyed. Fine. Something's wrong. Fine. Excited. I'm doing great. So what are you missing? You see, you're answering the word question when Americans are listening to the music. Ooh, I love this one. Listen to the music. You know, if you've been with me for a while, I love music. I love singing. Music is important to learning English properly. Listen to how words are said. Listen to the tone of voice. This will help you understand more. Check out this second example. Here we go. The project feedback. Now same sentence, opposite meanings. Here we go. That's interesting equals. I hate it, but I'm being polite. That's interesting. I don't really like it, but I'm trying to be polite. Same words. Listen to the difference. That's interesting. Same two words, but now because of the rising pitch and the emphasis, it shows that I'm genuinely intrigued. Listen to the music of English. So what are you missing? You see, you might be receiving criticism and hearing compliments or vice versa. That's interesting. Same two words, but the music that's interesting. Uh, my boss doesn't like what I did. That's interesting. My boss is impressed. My boss loves this. You have to listen to how the words are being said. Here's the third example. The agreement that is actually not an agreement. So Americans say, sure. It's quick and flat. What you hear is, Oh, he or she's agreeing with me. No, again, listen to the music. Americans say sure. Quick and flat motionless. You think they're agreeing? What it actually means is reluctant compliance or annoyance or I guess, but I'm not happy about it. Hey, do you want to go with me to California tomorrow? Sure. I mean, I'll go. I really don't want to, but I don't want to hurt your feelings. You see what you're missing? The word said yes, but the rhythm said no. Americans heard the rhythm. You heard the word, man. Again, this happened to me the other day. I was with another friend and she and I were having a conversation and we got to the point of the conversation where she kind of wanted to stop talking and I wanted to keep going. We weren't arguing. We were just having a discussion. She said, Oh, okay. And I was like, you know what? It's all good. She heard the music. She said, Oh, Tiffany said it's all good. But her voice tone, the rhythm, the music said, I really want to talk about this some more, but I'm trying to respect the fact that you want to stop. And she said, you know what, girl, let's keep talking. Let's keep going on this topic. So again, listening to the rhythm is very important. You're catching it, right? Excellent. All right, here's the fourth application. Another important application, the start before they finish flow. You got to pay attention to this one, the start before they finish flow. So what is this exactly? You see natural American conversation involves overlapping speech, interruptions, and jumping in waiting for a complete silence signals disengagement, or that something is wrong. This is not how Americans have conversations. We don't wait for a complete silence. It's a little bit awkward. So why does this work? Why is it so important for you to master this fourth application? You see your textbook taught you that conversation is like tennis. One person speaks than the other. And just for clarification, I have also used this analogy back and forth, back and forth, but when I was using the analogy of tennis back and forth, it was to help you realize you have to ask follow up questions, right? This in this situation, we're dealing with another aspect of English conversations when you've already gotten used to follow up questions, but now it's when to interject, when to add that question, all right, here's the second reason why it works. Real American conversation is more like jazz. People jump in overlap and build on each other. When someone is playing jazz, the piano, the saxophone, or the trumpet, they're overlapping each other. This is how English conversations work. Now, the third thing is waiting for someone to fully finished before responding feels cold, distant, or like you're not listening. It's quite weird in English. Fourth, the fourth reason is what you've been taught is polite. Yes, waiting your turn, but it can actually be read as you're checked out or you're uncomfortable. There again, this is the nuance of English conversation, learning how to go with the flow start before they finish. So let me give you some examples because this is a bit of a trickier one. Here's the first example, the enthusiastic agreement. Now listen closely. So the friend, and then we could maybe go to that new still speaking. Now here's what a natural response would be. Your friend says, and then we could possibly go to that new natural response. Oh, that type place. Yes. I've been waiting to try that. You interjected by saying what the friend was about to say, but the textbook, you, your friend says, and then we could maybe go to that new textbook. You waits for a complete sentence pauses and then responds the new one. Just waiting. But again, in a natural conversation, a person would interject and it wouldn't be seen as being rude. So what you're missing, you see the overlap actually shows enthusiasm and connection girl. Yes. I was thinking of the same thing. I love that type place. Let's do it. Connection. Your politeness reads as lukewarm interest. I know this is tricky. I know for you as an English learner, it can be a little bit stressful to master these little intricacies of English conversation, but that is my job as your English teacher to help you through these tricky parts of English. Here's example number two. The brain storm session. Now here's what's happening. Your colleague says, so what if we try to now a natural response, move the deadline. I was literally just thinking that now textbook, you wait for complete sentences, pauses, then offers thought as separate contribution. But again, in this situation, your colleague is saying, so what if we tried to, and you realize you're on the same page, you're thinking the same thing, so you interject. It's not rude. You're on the same page. We tried to move the deadline. I was thinking the same thing. Connection again. So what are you missing? You see in casual brainstorms where ideas are flowing, jumping in actually shows you're tracking their thinking. You're following what they're thinking and you're building together. No, this does not apply in formal presentations, client meetings, or when someone senior, your boss, your manager is speaking context matters. This is for collaborative informal moments. I need you to remember this because you don't want to get to a client meeting and start interjecting. That can be seen as rude. Here's the third example. The support in a hard conversation. Think about it like this. Your friend says it's just been really hard lately because the natural response. Oh no. Yeah. That does sound really tough. Hmm. Yeah. Totally understand. You see all of these interjections, all of these additional words you're adding overlapping. Let your friend know. I'm listening. I understand. I'm empathizing with you, but textbook you says be silent until they're finished and then respond. But that's not the way we speak in English. Again, casual situation. Your friend is opening up to you. See what you're missing. The interruptions are the support. Silence feels like abandonment. This happened to me again, a different friend was telling me what was going on in her life. And I was listening. I was listening intently, but so intently that I wasn't saying, yes, I was really listening. And she said, Tiff, are you still there? I said, oh girl, no, I'm really here. I was just thinking about what you're saying and how, how serious it is. She's like, oh, okay. She knew I was there, but because I wasn't saying, girl, yes, I understand. It felt like I was separate. I wasn't paying attention. You see these small sounds actually signal I'm with you. Keep going. Makes sense. Right. All right. Now let's get to our fifth application. Again, another important one. The unspoken context code. What is this? You see Americans leave enormous amounts of meaning unsaid, relying on shared cultural context that you are never taught in school. The words are only half the message. There are so many things that are unsaid by native English speakers and the words you've learned, they are correct, but there's another piece, another larger piece you have to understand the unspoken context. So let's break this down. Why is this so important? Why does it work? You see American communication is high context in casual settings, meaning lives between and around the words, which is why women, men, you guys have seen this happen, women can have conversations without saying anything. There are a lot of things that we're looking at each other. We're saying context, reading between the lines. I have one friend. We literally have a conversation without saying anything. I'll look at her from across the room, tilt my head. She'll tilt her head. I'll look at her a certain way, open my eyes a certain way. And we both have had a conversation and no one has heard anything because no words came out. In American communication, high context is important. Context makes a big difference. We know each other well, so we can say things without saying things. Your textbook only taught you the words, not the invisible context. Americans assume everyone knows, Oh, this is common knowledge. So we're not going to include this in our statement. Here's another thing. This creates constant miscommunication where you take words literally that were meant to be decoded. Like, Oh, but you said that. And the person says, yeah, but I didn't mean that. Other Americans understood, but this person was a learner and didn't understand. And finally, you're working harder to understand and being misunderstood and being understood less because you're only catching half the transmission. Again, the unspoken context. Let's dive deeper into this. Here's the first example, the invitation that wasn't. So Americans say the American, we should totally get coffee sometime. Oh, you actually want to get coffee with me. What you hear is an invitation to make coffee plans. Why we should totally get coffee sometime. What it actually means. I like you. This was a pleasant interaction. Goodbye. I know. I know it's confusing. Tim, but they said we should totally get coffee. Sometimes remember you have to read between the lines. So what you're missing, you see, we should plus sometime plus exclamation point equals social warmth, not an action item. If they meant it, they would say, are you free Thursday? Do you want to meet me tomorrow to get some coffee? You see, so again, we should plus sometime plus exclamation point is just being very nice. I know it's confusing, but now that you understand it, you'll have less confusion and frustration and new conversations. Example number two, the feedback sandwich. So an American says, this is really good. I just have a few small thoughts, but overall great job. Now what you hear is positive feedback with minor notes. All right. However, what it actually means there are significant problems, the positivity on the front and back end, they are cushioning. I want to let you down easily. So what you're missing, you see Americans soften criticism so heavily that a few small thoughts often means major revisions are needed. Just a few things, but actually there are quite a few things. I know it's tricky, but now you're following along, right? Here we go. Our third example, the let me know dismissal. So here's the breakdown after a meeting and American says, great. Well, let me know if you need anything. Okay. Let me know if you need anything. What you hear and offer to help and support what it actually means. This meeting is over. We're done here. I know, I know. Even as I'm teaching this to you, I can understand the frustration and the confusion that you are experiencing. Like tip, I understand English, but why this is a totally different meaning. I know you learn many things in context though. And don't worry, I have your back. That's why I'm here. So again, the American says great. Well, let me know if you need anything. This actually means the meeting is over. We're done here. What you're missing. You see, this is a closing ritual at the end of a meeting. It's not a genuine offer. The person's not being rude. It's just a natural phrase. It's actually not them asking for something because that would be awkward and surprising. Just learn these simple nuances and I guarantee you will have better experiences in conversations. I hope you enjoyed this lesson and I will talk to you next time. You still there? You know what time it is. It's story time. I said a story time. All right. It's story time. So I want to tell you a very quick story about a man named Mr. Rayford, Mr. Rayford. He may or may not see this video, this lesson ever, or hear this podcast episode, but Mr. Rayford will forever hold a special place in my heart. Mr. Rayford is an example of someone who can make others feel confident just by their presence. And this is what I'm trying to do and be for you. So growing up, I always loved basketball. I've played basketball my entire life. And I remember I may have been 15, 14 or 15, and I was working at a summer camp and Mr. Rayford was one of the camp counselors and he recognized my love for basketball. So he started giving me some tips and I recognized his tips were very effective. I mean, he had me doing things that I couldn't do before and it just felt natural. So time went on and I had different coaches and none of my coaches matched Mr. Rayford. He was calm. He explained things simply. He was patient and you could tell he believed in you even when he would say that's wrong, that's incorrect. There was something about him that made you want to do your best to impress him and you knew he cared about you. So years went by. I hadn't seen Mr. Rayford in about five years, I think. No, no, maybe about four years. And I had different coaches. They weren't bad, but they, they weren't really my style. Some of the coaches I had, they yelled. Um, sometimes they were a bit demeaning. I just didn't, they were a little bit condescending at times. They weren't my style. And I was playing in college and I was at a practice and my coach had us running some drills. And we were going through the drills. We were working on some plays and I was doing it. I wasn't feeling bad, but I was just going through the motions and all of a sudden, now I'm in college who walks through the door, Mr. Rayford, I hadn't seen him in years, randomly walks through the door of the gym at my college. Now he knew many of my other friends, so he may have been in town visiting them, but he walked in the gym and out the corner of my eye, I saw him. We locked eyes and I said, you know, I just high a little bit. I didn't really say anything out loud because I was in practice and he sat down. Now, what I didn't realize was that my ability, my skills revealed themselves to the 10th power. As soon as he walked in, I was doing things that I hadn't done in months. And I only noticed it because my coach, after about five minutes, my coach at the time stopped the game. We were practicing. He said, Tiff, what happened? Literally. He said, what, what just happened? He said, that was the best you've done in a long, like a long time. What just happened? And I said, I don't know. I got the play. I was getting the right passes, shooting the right shots. Everything was perfect. I don't know. He said, whatever happened, I need it to happen again. And we continued going through the practice. As I was going through the practice, I realized it was Mr. Rayford, whenever he was around, my confidence went through the roof. He believed in me and I wanted to make him proud. That's the power of having a mentor, a teacher, someone who believes in you. When someone believes in you and sees your potential, it builds confidence in you and you realize your own potential. That is my goal. My goal is to be your Mr. Rayford, the female version. I want you to feel confident. Every time you hear my voice, every time you watch a video lesson, every time you listen to a podcast lesson, I want you to feel confident in your abilities. Why? Because I believe in you. I know my friends, some things are challenging. Some things are easy, but I know you have the potential to achieve each and every one of your English goals. I hope you enjoyed this story and I'll talk to you in the next lesson.