3 Types of Relationship Fights You Keep Having

We all know that when you're fighting about the dishes... Oh my God. The trash... Are you kidding me? Or the laundry... How in the ****? You're not really fighting about any of that stuff. Couples therapy researcher Howard Markman found that there were three main hidden dimensions at play under most relationship fights. The three types of fights boiled down to power and control... You undermine me with the kids. I don't make as much money as you, so I feel like I have to check in about every little We only have sex when you want to. Care and closeness... Why can't you support me when I'm anxious? You make me feel worse. You don't initiate any conversations or dates. Why don't we have sex anymore? And finally, respect and recognition. You go out with your friends and you don't even invite me. You never acknowledge my career accomplishments. I don't think you realize how much I do around the house. When is the last time you've even cleaned? Markman says that though a single fight can encompass all three of these dimensions, or more, having this framework to identify the root cause of our conflict helps us have the language to resolve it. Because the roots of these fights are based in our needs, vulnerabilities, biases, and past experiences. In Healing Trauma, Dr. Marion Solomon and Dr. Daniel J. Siegel wrote that... The more intimacy you have with another person, the more likely that emotions, even archaic ones, will emerge, along with primitive defenses. A therapeutic approach helps partners acknowledge their sense of vulnerability, discover its roots, tolerate the waves of emotion, and find ways to address the underlying pain. Babe, the dishes in the sink are piled so high! Awaiting your success. I'm sorry, my love. I realize now that the dishes in the sink feed into a pattern of the gut that communicates I don't really care about you. Of course I care about you. I will definitely, from now on, link the dishes to my expression of love. You didn't take the trash out again. PERSPECTIVE! You do so much of the domestic labor around the house, and my only contribution is the trash. So when I fail to fulfill that, you feel disrespected, even though I appreciate everything you do. So I'm going to make sure that our duties are balanced, starting with the trash. Clothes are literally on the ceiling. May the power of therapy compel you. I'm sorry, babe. I know it drives you crazy to see my clothes off my naked body and all over the place. Yet you're the only one who initiates intimacy. I know that every piece of clothing you've seen strewed about our home just reminds you of my naked body, which has seemed elusive to you. I vow to bring in more eroticism into our marriage. Starting now. Getting out of the loop of fights requires creating new patterns. Micro-movement by micro-movement. It's a process of becoming self-aware, working together to dismantle entrenched dynamics, and shifting our relational trajectory. It's a dance, and one that can feel stilted and helter-skelter until we learn how to get into a new rhythm. So if you find yourself getting into one or all of these recurring relationship fights, despair not, children, for you have the power to change it. I'm Anna Akana. This is Kaggle. And thank you to the patrons who supported today's video, and as always, to BetterHelp for sponsoring today's episode. Look, even if we aren't necessarily a mess, sometimes we just need help navigating life struggles, pinpointing what exactly is interfering with our happiness, or we just want assistance creating patterns that help serve our lives more. BetterHelp can assess your needs and match you with your own licensed therapist. Plus, they have more than 15,000 counselors in their network that otherwise may not be locally available in many areas. You can send a message to your counselor anytime, plus schedule a weekly video or phone session. BetterHelp offers more affordable access than traditional online counseling, and they have financial aid. You can go to BetterHelp.com slash Akana, that's Better H-E-L-P, and join over 1 million people who are taking charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. Go to BetterHelp.com slash Akana to sign up today and get 10% off your first month. Therapy. Yeah, we all need it.