The Funniest Talks Ever 😂| Steve Harvey

Somebody somebody asked me the other day, you know, I'm a comedian, right? So people asked me the other day. They said Steve You make people laugh all the time What makes you laugh? I said that's easy You know what makes me laugh? Watching my kids Deal with a kid the way I had to deal with them That's what I like I'd be highly laughing. It's funny thing. I've ever seen Don't you just love it when you hear your kids say they don't listen I'll tell them what to do and they'll do nothing. I say They look at me like I'm stupid. I Told you you was stupid when you was little Now your kids looking at you just the way you are You know what else makes me laugh? I take what else is funny to me man being a grandparent Giving my grandkids stuff that they parents won't let them have That's one of my great joys. I love it Candy sugar ice cream cigars To my daughters don't eat meat They're vegan Okay, I do So one of my grandsons came over He's never had meat in his life So I gave him a piece of beef jerky You know made it a little tough, but he was just in My daughter came in the room and was mortified Daddy, what are you doing? the boy like beef jerky He liked me He don't wanna look at this boy's face do this look like the face of a vegan to you This boy eat meat and is overjoyed. Let the boy make a damn decision And here the funniest part at one point the grandkids have to go home But they don't ever want to go home They want to stay with Papa and Nana They want to stay with us and they be kicking and screaming going out the door I'll be I'll be standing in the hall. I'll be in the doorway. Just laugh You know why they don't want to go home cuz they don't like y'all I Told you that and when y'all was babies driving me crazy. I didn't like y'all either So if you want to know what make me laugh, that's what make me laugh right there. When did we start reasoning with our kids? When did that start? Cuz I don't remember this when I was growing up But all of a sudden we've we've started reasoning with the right kids. Well, my daddy said no When he said no My question was never but why? But why I didn't even want that answer from him I'm just wondering about to see plus my father had the ability to know when I was thinking messed up thoughts I mean since the he'd be looking or he'd be standing over there looking at me like You standing over there looking like you want to say something? I'll be gone. No dad. Not me. No, my mind is completely blank. I'm not thinking a doggone thing right here but I see people I See people all the time reasoning with their kids just be going through it. When do we start going back and forth with kids? I never had that my father told us at the beginning. There is no back and forth. It's just for We don't do back in this family. So I had none of that Arguing with a three-year-old about why he need to go to bed What are we talking about this for you three? You have to go to bed cuz you're stupid You need rest you have to grow I haven't seen people reasoning with kids who put stuff in the basket when they out at the mall and they putting stuff in the basket and the Parent is reasoning with this kid. Why are you talking to him? You're the only one working You're the only one paying bills. When did he start shopping? He just putting stuff in the bag see, sweetie, the reason we came by this is because Because what? What happened to phrases like because I said so Now what I'm about to offer you is a suggestion this suggestion is against the law I think This is for people like me when you see kids tripping on their parents. You ever just want to go over to him and say Excuse me. Excuse me, ma'am. I Looks like he ain't over your head right here Look like you're stressing out a little bit. I don't want to just but listen Let me help you out. If you just give me your child Let me take him over in this frozen food section for about three minutes That's all I need and when I bring this baby back, you ain't gonna have these problems. Could I have your permission to do that? It would change everything Just do me a favor. Just watch my basket till I get back My fifth grandchild was born yesterday That's number five. The ties broken is now three boys two girls Got another little Harvey walking on this planet, baby. Yeah His name is Ezra Ezra Harvey My son named all of his sons Noah and Ezra biblical names. He asked I said, why don't you name them after you? He said they don't need to be like me dad All right I got a series of questions because you know Marjorie and I had to keep the other grandkids because their mom was in labor and my son was away So with the grandkids been at the house for two days spending the night I Don't like when they spend the night. I Love it when they come over go home. They spend the night. I have to do something But they were over there today and I got the thinking kids and old people are a lot of like Now I don't put together a list Now I want all of you as I go through the list to let me know that if that does this apply to kids old people or both So you only got three response kids Old people or both you ready? Here's the list. They sleep a lot Oh picky eaters They wander off Sometimes they don't play well with others They watch the same thing on TV over and over They go to sleep when they get in the car They get lost in the mall This is not going good They are they are impressed by complete strangers They won't allow you to throw anything away They can't remember where they put things They wake up in the middle of the night to pee Sometimes they just lay there and pee And last but not least They tell you the same story Have you ever had to use your credit to buy something Anybody in here other than me who had bad credit you don't have to raise your hand. It's okay. I know you're here Let me just tell you this. I know you're here, but let me just be the bunt of this joke I had bad credit my credit score was so low my credit score and my thermostat had the same number 75 When you got bad credit news travel fast They wouldn't even take my check at church Brother Harvey, we're so happy to have you here as a member of the wonderful Cleveland Church of Christ We have an ATM machine in the lobby. Would you mind? Taking this check and you go out there and see if it works for you first. I Said I do that You ever had credit so bad you ever had to put your bills in somebody else's name I had my electric bill in my dog's name They let the electrical company used to call the house with an attitude Yes, so when do you think mr. Sparky can come down here and pay his bills? Know your name ain't no Sparky But I go right along with it. Well, mr. Sparky is busy right now He's outside chasing cars He won't be able to make it in today Tell you something else you have you ever been at the counter with your girl trying to rent a car But your credit wasn't good You can always tell the person at the car rental place who has bad credit because they they talk in real low voices You ever notice that perfect people that ain't got credit. They not loud Because they ask you questions that the thing they say and uh, whose name is this going to be in sir? Oh It's gonna be in her name Excuse me, sir. Who's gonna be driving the vehicle? Oh, she's gonna drive. She Should be driving the car. Come on writers Come on They wrote that joke Yeah, that's what I'm doing from now on I'm sitting out here. Just trying to make a joke work and it don't work No, I'm gonna start having the people who wrote the joke come out here see how it feel The little walk of shame just come on. I want to talk to ladies for a moment Here's something that I found out relationship therapists are now saying that most men Exaggerate the number of women that they've been with This is true We lie about this Man whoo Whoo Probably man I was mad I've been with so much. I can't count. Yes, you can yes, you can and Most women know that that's not the only thing that men exaggerate about Am I talking to the ladies now? see Because a lot of ladies in here will tell you for a fact that big feet only mean You got big shoes Huh? Oh He didn't walk up to you You can't he can't even be in his feet. They so big You finally get him home What happened? What what? Your feet was so big But they don't stop there. I don't and it's not all men. All men don't lie It's just some dudes out there that's messing it up for us, man. This is for ladies I'm gonna give you some hints little tips to help You know when a man says something to tell if he's lying or not You ready? These are gonna you've all heard these before if a man and I'm gonna tell you When they lying and what they lying about When and what ready for the first one if a man says that he's between jobs He got fire Here's another one if a man tells you He's only able to do lunch. I can only do lunch He married He's mad what man Can't go out at night I'm married man He can't do dinner. He can only do lunch. Our whole goal in life is to get you somewhere at night He said I can only do lunch. He married You know why he can't do lunch because he got to do dinner at home and then homework He's married and last but not least If a man tells you that they're doing construction on my place He live with his mama Because season, you know what people start catching colds. I just want to talk about what happens to men when men catch colds And I'm talking on behalf of the ladies right now Cuz I don't know. What is it? when your big burly rough hard hood Man gets sick He turned it to a little boy He just turns it to a little boy. I Mean women be sitting up there looking at him women be going. This is not the man. I married Man, because there's different types of guys that get sick First one I want to talk about these are the helpless ones. You got guys that become helpless Ladies you've all experienced this right here. These are the ones that need everything Hey, can someone come in here and change the channel for me? I'm too weak to work the remote Okay, I'm freezing Can somebody come in here and pull the covers up on me? Let me be going. What the hell is wrong with it? Anybody gonna feed me and then you got the men Where ain't nothing right You trying to work with him. You trying to help him ain't nothing right? The soup ain't hot enough. I Don't get but six crackers Baby, you ain't gonna cut the ends off the bread, you know You know, I like my sandwiches with no hands on it But here is the worst man to get sick. This is the ones I like to call the end of the worlders You know what a whole world about to end Jessica, it's a cold dog. You got a cold You're not terminal You gonna get over this NyQuil. Boom you back in the morning, but that ain't good enough Didn't they say stuff like oh, I don't need anything Guess I just lay here and die Dog this is cold And the women the women don't know what to do, honey, I'm going to work take care of yourself Well, you know when you get back from work, I'll probably already be dead Then they drag the Lord into it Call everybody down at the church. Tell him to pray for me I'm going to glory. Oh He's gonna go I'm coming Elizabeth All right, ladies this question is for you I was reading this survey recently this and I will have a question for you do attractive men Get away with more Well Let an unattractive man answer that Hell, yeah, they do Yeah, they do and you know, they do They get way with way more Being attractive than an ugly dude, I know that for a fact cause I've had to answer way more questions With this face growing up. I promise you that Denzel Washington had to ask Denzel ain't went through what I went through He didn't have to Cause he was Denzel. I Wasn't nobody was Steve This one, you know, you ain't attractive they don't even pronounce all the letters in your name. What's up Steve? Cuz they cut your name short so they can get it over with I Tell you something about ugly man. No, if you date an ugly man, they check in more. Oh They check in more. Yeah. Yeah that they ain't checking in so you can know where they at They check it in to make sure you ain't left yet Hey girl, hey baby, it's me. I'm just checking in you still there We still together Mm-hmm. Thank you. Yeah, you seen anybody pretty today That's good. That's good. I'll be home soon as I get off work. Yeah, thank you because ladies How many of you have tried to stop an ugly dude from calling you? It's hard ain't you know, why could ugly man persistent? They more determined than attractive me the options ain't as good So we you gave us the number dog gonna you got to answer they The thing about dating the ugly no man, though. It's advantages lady. You date an ugly man. He ain't ever too busy You can call him for anything You need your refrigerator and your sofa moved up to the third floor you don't call nobody cute You call an ugly man be right there be right there and In 23 minutes, he got that refrigerator and that sofa up on that third floor by his cell Now there are some features That ugly man can have That won't make them so ugly anymore See ladies, you need to look at some of these features because some of these features can help you overlook some of these flaws Here's a good feature to have a house He got his own house You got an apartment. He got a house Sexy ain't it starting to feel him a little bit, huh? You understand what I'm saying How about this right here a nice car You got a bus pass. He got a nice car. He's starting to come up a little bit You starting to feel a little bit different by a little ugly I'm trying to tell you How about this right here a good high-paying six-figure job? Why is he still ugly? It can't be six figures You got to put your fang in your mouth and go, you know what? He kind of cute You ever had one of those moments Where stuff just start spiraling out of control? You don't really know it You wasn't really counting on it You just and got yourself in a situation all of a sudden. You don't know how it's gonna play out. Have you been there before? Well, I got in one of those situations yesterday During Harvey's hundreds You know You know the the way we do Harvey's hundreds now is we take a picture of everybody before the show starts, right? And then we just have a generator and it just pops everybody's pictures up and then randomly I go stop whatever picture stops Oh, that's who wins. Well yesterday Michelle Kennedy won She was a woman from Houston, Texas She won. She was in the audience Her picture popped up all hell broke loose This woman could not believe She had got picked roll the tape This just the beginning now Apparently what happened Michelle had a dream that she had met me on the show So she was supposed to come to the show and meet me that was her whole dream So her and her girlfriend get on the plane and they flew to LA Now they're supposed to fly right back after the show That was her dream This she's telling us. This is the dream. She had well At least that's what I think she was trying to tell me because I had some trouble following What she was saying because it was a lot going on Watch the tape Roll it back now right here go Oh This woman Was beating me to death She was heavy-handed and this woman was just beating on me and I would just turn hey You know, I want to wear this suit again. No, I need this. I was gonna wear more than once I put your tan on my clothes, you know, and I couldn't get away from Here was a beautiful thing she walked away with $1,000 Michelle is back home in Houston right now. I just wanted to say she's safe and sound I wanted to say Congratulation. I wanted to say it was nice having you here And if you ever have any other dreams about coming back to the show Just please call ahead of time So we'll know you coming I Loved it man. One of the nicest ladies man, Michelle Kennedy. I love you girl. Hey, I got a question What is it about free stuff that makes us lose our mind? Because it's free You say the word free and people go crazy free food free beer free sample free car wash Say something that's actually how they move merchandise in the store Buy to get one free Now you so stupid You don't know that you don't actually bought three things They didn't suck at you into buying these two things price so high That you didn't pay for the third item, but since they told you was free That's it and free stuff make you act out of character How many y'all in here today? Would like to walk out of here with something absolutely free Now listen that ain't gonna happen But I just wanted to show you How big a fool you act when you hear about some free stuff? see, I Wouldn't care if I had stipulations on it if I said I'll give you something free, but you got to give up your firstborn But seeing that then there's two of y'all going well, well, what what is it that you had that Frito? You can put let me let me tell you how free stuff work. You could take a beat-up sofa I don't care how bad a shape is it cushions toe up sit it on your front tree line You can see bad bugs on it. I Mean sitting on the sofa with their legs crossed Looking at traffic waving the bad, but you can what the bad bugs is sitting on the couch waving But if you put free on it By morning, you won't have a couch Cuz that's how they do You go to Costco What they got free samples, you know good. Well, you don't need to be nothing on that Nothing on that tray. It ain't covered. It's got a toothpick in it and it's free It ain't covered people be breathing on it. You know good and well, you ain't supposed to eat that Walking around with a handful of them toothpicks You lactose intolerant Just cheese Cuz it's free allergic to mushrooms But if it's got a toothpick in it and it's free you just walking around Costco just eat Stop being excited about free stuff Everything free ain't free You don't believe fat meat greasy No, if you saw this or not, I want to bring this your attention recently an NFL football player named Vontae Davis Who plays for the Buffalo Bills? He did something that got him a lot of heat on the Internet His team was losing 28 to 6 at halftime He quit Yeah at halftime He retired from football at halftime His teammates was getting ready to go back out on the field for the second half Vontae changed his clothes Now seriously took his suit off shoulder pads just took it off Changed his clothes got in his car and drove home The Vontae no, seriously, this really helped the Vontae Never happened in the history of a game at halftime. I Don't know who hit him Somebody hit him in the first half Changed his whole mind about football But the reason I'm bringing it up Because we've all been there at some point about something. I Know I have I have been on the job and Set up there on the assembly line And said damn it. I don't had enough. I Can't do this no more Seriously There is probably a guy that's been making doughnuts for 20 years Same job. I'm pretty sure one day. He said After I glazed his last does I'm gonna glaze one more does I'm put three of these in my pocket and I'm out of here. I ain't doing this no more How about in the relationship ladies? Come on ladies you sitting across the table from me you looking at it You know, he ain't the one You looking at him and you know, he ain't the one Why you on this date? You don't even understand why you told him. Yes You looking at him, you know, it ain't nothing about him. You said are you thinking yourself? I'll meet these last four wings All right But here to move they put on you. I mean the last four wings I'm gonna go to bathroom. I Come out the bathroom Drying my hair table that way car that way new season New look let's do it The new look is because of this. Here's the deal. I have never been afraid Nor ever will be I afraid to reinvent myself Always you have to change changes inevitable So you got two choices with change you can react to it or you can participate in it. I Would rather participate in it This question won't affect most of you how many grandparents in here? Okay, good. This joke is for eight people Because I'm like, you know relatively new grandfather And you know, I've been hearing for years how great it is to be a grandparent Everybody been telling me that I don't like it. I don't even see what the hell great about it I've been waiting Years for my kids to get out of my house. I want to be an empty nester now They come back to the house and they got some more people with him I'll get off work the other day. I go home and the grandkids are there and When they see me man, or they give it to me, you know, they see me mostly on TV They go pop pop pop on TV, but when they see me live, it's like oh my god, he here They give it to me and I tell them I love them and I put them down but deep inside I'll be going y'all over here Where your mama? Because see when I pull up it wasn't no cars in the driveway They always bring them over and drop them off and I'm going now I've been talking to my girl all day long All we've been talking about was what was gonna happen tonight Then I get to the house and hit a And when I tell you blocking don't nobody block like a baby Who baby blocking is the toughest day baby in there? They get it and they want to sleep with us and I'm sorry man But there's not a grandfather living who wants to sleep with the grandkids Because I like to go to sleep roll over turn. I want to be worried about if you over there now I'm sleeping scared. I can't stand My grandkids They kicked me all night, and I think they doing it on purpose Cuz I think they know how I really feel. I really do When they fall asleep they sleep hard you can move them so I take them and Lay them in the other room. I Get up Marjorie Toma what happened to the babies? Oh, they're in the room now. She go in the other room with the grandbabies now I'm in here by myself No, how stupid am I a? Minute ago. I was sleeping with three people Now ain't nobody in the bed. So I'm tired of them man. So if you got grandkids love them and appreciate them, but It's not what they say it is Mm-hmm