Common Barriers To Effective Communication

Good evening. I'm just checking if I'm live right now because last time I tried to go live and I realized that there was some problem here technically. So, I'm just checking if it is working fine. So, looks like it's all good this time. Okay. So, I can go ahead and talk about it. So, actually what I did in one of my Facebook groups, I conducted one quick poll and I asked people about what is their understanding about nervousness in the sense with respect to when some people when they start talking they start feeling nervous and in that process they start fumbling and all of that and it happens across all the levels. It's not only about junior level and all it happens across all the spectrum. So, I asked them a question that what do you feel is being nervous something unusual or do you think it is very natural or something like that. So, all of them they mentioned that being nervous is a very natural emotion or natural reaction. Now, look at this. If everybody understands that feeling nervous in certain locations is such a normal thing then why exactly it happens that people feel that there is some problem with them if they are becoming nervous. Okay. So, I hope I'm making sense over here. So, feeling nervous is a very common aspect of human personality. Now, how do you handle your nervousness that is something which has to be taken care of. Now, if you look at nervousness and excitement both of them are nothing but energy. When you are excited you are full with positive energy and when you are nervous basically it's some negative energy that is dominating. Now, this perspective if you look at from communication point of view and when I say communication it's not only for junior or middle level it could be across all the level of hierarchy. When we talk about communication per se everybody knows that what all they need to do to become a good communicator. Everybody knows about the parameters and everything but still people struggle with it. Okay. Why everybody is not able to be a very confident communicator offline, online, one-on-one, one-to-many. Why there is a struggle? The point here is this. Struggle is not majorly because people are not good at their language. It's not because they don't have content. People can work on their content, they can work on language and all of that is not that difficult part. But one of the major parameter, let me highlight it over here, let me write it over here, that one of the major parameter that I have observed because of which people are not able to really communicate that effectively is this. Stress and out of control emotion. Majority of people I have come across and I have taught thousands of students working professionally in the last seven years. One thing I have observed that people who are able to control their emotions, people who are able to handle the stressful situations, they are able to communicate better. Now the question comes in, yeah, it is easier said than done. It is not that easy to control your emotions and stress. First of all, do you understand that it is something that has to be taken care of? Okay. So first, let's accept that to become a good communicator, you need to take care of your stress management. I feel a little awkward when I say stress management because you don't manage something which is not good, okay. But yeah, we call it stress management because we have stress in our life. How do you manage your stress and how do you control your emotions? If you're able to handle these two pieces together properly, you will see that you'll be able to communicate. Irrespective of whatever knowledge you have got, irrespective of whatever command on language you have got, you'll be able to communicate and people will be able to get your thoughts because you'll be able to connect with them. Now you understood, okay, that is important. Controlling stress and controlling your emotions, both of these are required things. So you understood it first, that it is required. The second step after accepting this fact is to find out exactly in what situations you lost your emotions, in the sense, lost control over your emotions in the last few months or years. Try to recall them and if you want to take a note of it, please take a note of it that try to recall that in what all situations you lost your control over your emotions, you felt overwhelmed by something, you felt so stressed, write down those emotions, okay, write down those situations. If you are able to recognize those areas or those situations when you became stressed, you'll be able to find out exactly what all talks you had inside your head when you were facing that situation. And my students will agree with this because I keep talking about it all the time that how you communicate outside, that depends a lot on how you communicate inside. Okay, within you, what kind of thoughts you keep having, what kind of chatter you keep having inside between your two ears, that is what will decide how well you can communicate outside. So when you are able to recognize those situations where you feel stressed or where you felt stressed, you'll be able to find out what kind of talks you had at that time. Okay, now with that, now let's come to the point how to control those situations when you feel stressed. And for that, the number one thing I always prefer is that bring your senses to your rescue. And when I say senses, it could be any of the senses as such, but I really have a lot of faith in breathing in the sense that, see, breathing is the base of our life. Okay, if breathing is gone, we are gone, right? So that's the base of our life. When you are talking with somebody and you're feeling too stressed because of certain factors which are beyond your control, bring your focus back to your breathing. When you bring your focus back to your breathing, see that it should not be too high or it should not be too shallow. If you visualize that when you are typically angry or irritated, what happens to your breathing? You start breathing quite fast. Or when you are too nervous or when you are really fearful, your breathing goes very shallow. So it could be either of these two extremes. See that if you are able to control your breathing at that point. This is external stimuli in the sense that when you're not able to control your emotions, you're controlling your breathing so that your emotions get control. Are you getting this? So it's not that complicated. Just start focusing on your breathing. Breathe in, breathe out. And sometimes you can do it internally also, so that people won't really feel that you are doing some kind of a mechanism inside, but you are doing it. So bring your senses under your control. And with those control, you will be able to see that you will be able to manage a certain part of your stress or you'll be able to manage your emotion to an extent. Now let's come to the other aspect, which I would say a little deeper with respect to how you look at the situations around you. So typically when we get into any kind of a discussion or any kind of a negotiation, obviously we go through the thought process that we are going to win that discussion. We are going to win that particular argument. Now that itself is good enough to create stress within you if you're going with that thought process. So am I saying that you should go with the thought that you may lose and that's okay? No, I'm not saying this. What I'm saying is that sometime it is good to go with the thought process that it is okay to compromise. And when you're compromising, that compromise is not forever. That could be for that moment. You are just passing the buck for some time. You are just delaying it. You are just putting it in abeyance for some time. You're not taking a decision immediately. Please listen to this point. This is something which really helped me a lot. It's a human tendency that when we get into any kind of a discussion, we want to really come to a conclusion within that duration. We want to win. We want to make other people convinced. But understand this point. If you are a very strong transmitter and you can put your thoughts in a very forceful manner, but the other person is not a good receiver, irrespective of how good transmitter you are, all your efforts will be futile. Nothing will be gained at the other end because that person is not a good receiver. Are you getting this? So there are variables which are beyond your control. So sometimes you put up your thoughts in the most effective, logical, emotional manner. And after that, you need to stop. You need to stop and just pass it for some time. Park it for some time. That's what I'm calling be willing to compromise. Don't try to win at that moment because you will lose a lot otherwise. So that will also take the stress out of it. Now, let me just put one thought over here. Some of you probably might be able to relate with this, that when you are giving a presentation or when you are talking to your super seniors sometimes, you might feel that they are not getting your thoughts and you are explaining to them all of that. And then you are getting stressed because of it, probably because you're not getting very good comments from them. If something like that is happening with you, my suggestion to you is that during that time period when you are speaking and you're not getting any positive response from them and you're not getting very good positive language as such, have patience. Sometimes things take time. So you do your best. Give your 100% and present with the best of your capability. Let that thought that, okay, they're not getting my point of view, probably they're not liking it. Let all these thoughts not come to your mind. And at that time, you just see that you are putting your efforts and leaving everything else to the time. And take my words that if you go with this attitude all the time, people can sense that confidence and believe that you have got within yourself. So be willing to compromise for some time. That will also take the stress away. Don't try to win immediately. Sometimes things take time. Type yes if you are getting the point that I'm trying to make to you here. Next, I would say the last point with respect to the stress handling, I would say it's about, it's the kind of the last resort when you agree to disagree, when you are not able to convince anybody. Before this, I said that give some people some time to understand. But even after giving some time, if people are not able to understand it, you need to accept that it is okay to have disagreement with others forever. And there could be ideological difference, a way of thinking, way of doing might be very different. So don't try to put efforts unnecessarily. Sometimes it is okay to disagree. And that's the last resort when people decide to leave company or all that happens, when you feel that nothing is possible. So rather than losing your calm, losing your peace, change the directions in that case. So remember what we are talking about. We are talking about that in any kind of conversations, if you would like to hold the conversations properly, you need to hold your emotions, you need to take care of the stress level. And the last point here, in this whole process of managing your emotions and balancing out everything, don't forget that you need to have a very good self-image about yourself in any discussion. Please take this point. Whatever level you are in corporate, if you are not able to assert yourself properly, assert in the sense whatever you want to speak, you should make sure that you are going prepared with all those pointers with you. If you are going unprepared, if you are not very sure about that exactly what all pointers you are going to talk there, then you are going to lose the battle definitely. So whatever your needs are, whatever outcome you want, just be very clear about it. The more clarity you would have, you will be able to talk properly. And before the meeting, see that you have practiced enough with respect to acting like a devil's advocate, that when you are going to talk about a particular point, what all questions they can ask. You are visualizing that you are sitting here and then visualize that the person to whom you're talking, he's sitting in front of you. You ask a question, in what manner he or she will perceive you and then what question that person can ask you, how you'll respond. Just do all of this to and fro before going for any discussion. So when you do all of this time and again, you will be able to understand exactly what all possibilities are there. So when I say assert yourself, it means that you are going prepared with your clear list of needs, wants, possible outcomes, how will you negotiate, what kind of questions can come up, all of that. And some people feel that being assertive means not being able to escalate or not being able to put the counter points properly. It's not like that. When I say being assertive, there are two types of typical assertions I talk about. Let me just write it over here. The first assertion I would say is, I will call it empathetic assertion. What is empathetic assertion? Let's take an example. Let's say I ask you to do something and you are too occupied and let's say you report to me and you are too occupied with your work and still what I gave to you, that has to be done. There are some situations when something like that happens. So now when I know that you are busy, I know that you have got too much on your plate right now, still I'm giving some work to you and I will talk to you. Let's say your name is Krishna. I will say, Krishna, you know what, I know that you have got more than enough with you right now, but this particular thing has to go live and probably you'll have to spend half an hour or something on this to get it done. Now what is this? I am particular about that thing to be taken care of. I'm also empathetic by saying that I understand this. You might not like it because anyways I'm pushing it on you, but at least I'm telling you that I know that you're busy. I know that you have got a lot of stuff to do, but this is something which can't be compromised today and it has to go live. So probably half an hour today you'll have to go down there. So it's empathetic assertion. The second piece which is very important to understand is, let me write it over here, this I will call escalating assertion. Now what is escalating assertion is, if you are telling somebody that this has to be done, then you are being empathetic also, you are telling that you understand, still that person is not doing it. Number of times you are giving all the instructions and everything, but that person is not really following. Then you go for escalating assertion where you don't raise your voice, where you don't shout on the other people. But rather than that, you just tell that, for example, let's say, you know Krishna, I have been telling this to you number of times that this is so important and for some reason you could not take care of it. So I'm afraid that by doing this, things are going to be really difficult for you because there could be some actions against you. I am afraid that I don't want that to happen. Now what is happening? You're not really raising your voice. You're not trying to threaten that person also, but you are trying to escalate the matter a bit so that that person understands that this is a serious stuff. Make sense? This is a serious stuff. Now if I summarize whatever we discussed that being nervous is a very normal thing. How do you control your nervousness? That is what you'll have to work upon. Don't say, how can I kill nervousness? That will never happen because if you are serious about your work, if you're serious about some event, you will become nervous. That's a good sign. If you're feeling nervousness, it means that you're taking something seriously. That's a good sign and it will never stop. It will never stop. You will get some kind of nervousness. So take care of that, that how you will control that nervousness. And for that, we talked about that. Think about all the prior situations where you felt too stressed, too out of control kind of emotions, too much of nervousness you felt. And those occasions, what all talks were going on inside your head, think about it. More you are able to observe your inner chatting, more you will be able to work on your outward communication. You take care of those emotions, take care of your senses, control your breathing. All of that we talked about. And then also remember before going for any kind of discussion meeting, be sure about what do you want as an outcome, what kind of needs you have got, what kind of wants you have. All of that, be very clear about it. Play that devil's advocate game with you so that you know what kind of cross questions can come on your way and how you'll do all of this and see how beautifully you would come out from any kind of a discussion. So I hope it makes sense to each one of you. So go ahead and apply all of this in your conversations. And if you want to be part of my community of students, then what you can do is you can just note this website, www.coachapm.com, and you will be able to get the latest webinar date and you can register and you can just attend the webinar. And if you would like to become part of my community, you can, you're more than welcome to be part of my community. Okay, great. Thank you so much, everybody for listening to me. And thanks a lot. Happy Shivratri and happy International Women's Day. Once again, take care, everybody.