Jean-Luc Picard's weird Yellow Wine

What wine was Jean-Luc growing at Chateau Picard, and why was it so yellow? Hi, I'm Harrison, Lieutenant, Junior Grade, Somme Division, and you're Starfleet Somme. All right, vin jaune, or yellow wine, so we know by Picard's time it's either security or engineering, is a super cool regional style, particular to Jura, produced from Savogna. After the wine is fermented, it's kept aging in barrel until December 15th of the sixth year following harvest. During this time, no additional wine is added to the barrel, so some evaporation occurs, and a voile, or veil of yeast, forms on top, preventing spoilage in a process that is extremely similar to how sherry is made. The resulting wine is dry, with nutty, curried notes. Now, fun fact about vin jaune, until January of 2025, the only way to get it in the United States was to smuggle it, probably with the help of some Orions, or, more likely, Australians. See, vin jaune comes in a distinctive bottle shape called a clavelin, which holds 620 milliliters. Now, as legend has it, this is the exact amount of wine per liter that remains after the required five-year aging process. However, the Tax and Trade Bureau, which regulates all imports and exports of alcohol in the United States, didn't allow for 620 milliliter bottles to be sold until January 2025. So, any vin jaune enjoyed stateside was brought over in half bottles, 500 milliliter bottles, or by unscrupulous Orions that simply went around the neutral zone. By the way, this is the same broad region where Comte Cuillère cheese comes from. And, if you get your hands on some vin jaune, you simply must have the two together. I haven't. I'm just recommending it. Now, vin de paille, or straw wine, is another super unique regional delicacy. Vignerons take super ripe grapes and leave them to dry, traditionally on straw mats, but now more commonly on racks, for a minimum of six weeks after harvest, concentrating the sugars in the grapes. Now, AOC law requires the resulting wines to be a minimum 14% ABV, which is pretty damn high for a wine with residual sugar. And the style can be medium to very sweet with high acidity. Honestly, I would love for Jean-Luc, or Jean-Luc, to be producing these styles. However, there's just one big problem. Luckily for us, Paramount actually released a purchasable line of Chateau Piccard. So, let's break down the label and see what it can tell us. So, first off, we have Chateau Piccard. Now, the term chateau is more commonly seen in Bordeaux than Burgundy and Jura, but that's okay, there are noticeable exceptions, like Chateau Merceau in Burgundy. Now, what kind of... Okay, it's Bordeaux. That's literally on the opposite side of the country. Okay, turns out there's a real-life Chateau Piccard in Bordeaux, and they did a tie-in wine with Paramount for some f***ing reason. Alright, we can roll with that. So, what is it Bordeaux? Bordeaux is home to some of the most expensive blends of Cabernet Sauvignon in the world. For any viewers that don't know Cabernet Sauvignon, just close your eyes and imagine wine. It's probably Cabernet Sauvignon. Cab is one of the most planted grapes in the world, and is a key blending grape in most cheap red blends you drink when you're just starting out, along with Merlot, one of the things that Sideways actually did get right. I am not drinking any f***ing Merlot! Bordeaux reds are full-bodied, powerful, tannic, and best paired with heartier meals, like hamburger or New York strip steak. Now, for white wines, Bordeaux is known for blends of Sauvignon Blanc and Sémillon, usually aged in New Oak. This is a super-crushable style with orchard fruit, peaches, and a soft creaminess that rivals Brent Spiner's makeup. But, like, how does this make any sense? Bordeaux is only made in Bordeaux, which is, again, way the f*** over here, on the opposite side of France from Le Bar. It has a wholly different climate. So, quick aside. So, you've probably heard that Champagne is only Champagne if it comes from the Champagne region of France. And it's the same thing with Bordeaux or Burgundy. These are the names of regions within France where a particular style or set of styles is so traditional and vital to the local economy that France's government has issued a legally regulated designation of origin for it. Champagne is just the regional name for a style of sparkling wine that undergoes secondary fermentation in bottle. Bordeaux is just a name for a family of fuller-bodied reds, oaked lighter-bodied whites, and sweet wines. At the most granular level, this is called an Appellation d'Origine Controllée, or AOC. And we see this within all kinds of products. Comte is Gruyère, but Gruyère is not Comte. The thought is, if you know the traditional style associated with the region's name, you'll always know what you're getting. It's a promised standard of style and quality. So, you can totally have wine made from Bordeaux varietals in Napa or Sonoma or Chile. But it's not Bordeaux. It's just using the same ingredients. Now, there are less granular and less regulated regions as well. In France, these are known as IGPs, or Indications Géographiques Protégées, which is less restrictive. For instance, you could have non-Bordeaux varietals in your vineyard in Saint-Emilion in Bordeaux, but because you are bottling them outside of those super-specific AOC laws, you are not allowed to call your wine Saint-Emilion, but must instead refer to its place of origin by the larger IGP, l'Atlantique. Does this mean the wine is worse? Absolutely not. And in fact, many now internationally celebrated producers and bottles have come from this designation and either changed wine laws for the region or simply chugged along doing their own thing. So, this just seems like a paramount retrofit, just to move some merch and capitalize on a coincidental winemaker's name. In the process, wholly jettisoning the canon like an unstable warp core in favor of capitalism. I've dreamed of doing this for so long. Eject. And if living in a post-scarcity world also scares you, keep following along for more mid-Earth— I mean, Starfleet SOM. Don't forget to like and subscribe.