This New Baby Transition Was BY FAR The Hardest!!

You've now followed us through the transition from zero to one kid, one to two kids, and two to three kids, which you're now living out, sharing with you week by week, month by month, along the way. So we thought it would be fun to rate the transitions from adding kids, which was the hardest, kind of talk through those things, and... And the fun things that surprised us along the way. If this is your first time meeting us, I'm Kurt, I'm a board-certified pediatrician. I'm Sarah, I'm a board-certified OBGYN, and we are the Doctors Bjorkman. Okay, welcome back. As we mentioned, this week is all about the transition of adding children to our family and how each one is gone. So we thought we'd rate each transition kind of like, hey, you're rating your favorite restaurant. It was five stars, best ever, or... Zero to five stars. Okay, five stars being, like, overall best experience. Sure. Okay, cool. Zero stars to five stars. Whatever that feels, whatever you feel. We clearly haven't talked about this. Here we go, okay? So transition from zero to one. Four. Oh, okay, got it, okay, great, okay. From one to two. Zero. Okay, two stars. I gave two stars to both. We'll elaborate on this later. Yeah, and this, we're not rating our children. We're just rating the transition experience of adding kids, okay? And then two to three. Four. Five. Okay, okay. I don't have to feed him. He's just happy. Okay, okay. Okay, cool. So... That was fun. Okay, so we've got good transition, rough transition, and way better. Okay, so let's dive into that. I've just seen a bunch of these, like, you've got this line of moms on the beach, and somebody says, like, what was your hardest transition? And they share, like, one kid, two kids, three, whatever. So I thought this would be a little fun. Yeah, this is gonna be so much fun. So we're gonna dive into each transition, and share kind of, like, what went well, what surprises along the way. So, number one. I mean, that's where we kind of started this whole YouTube journey, was we said, hey, we're ready to have a baby. We feel slightly unprepared, even though he's a pediatrician, I'm an OB. Let's document that journey. And so that... Yeah, and you can go back and watch us through pregnancy, if you haven't seen that already. I think something that is interesting, at least my thoughts on each of these... What did we say for this one? We gave this one a four. We both gave it a four. Adding our first kiddo was a four out of five. Four out of five stars. And I think so much of this is relative to, like, where you're at in life. Like, hey, like, how are you as a relationship, financially, time-wise? What are you ready? Like, when we had our first, we'd been married for nine years. Yeah, we got married forever ago. Gosh, it feels like eternity. That's right, baby. In heaven, yes. Wonderful. And so, like, we were just ready. Like, we had gone through medical training. We were in our kind of, like, third stage of medical training, being like, hey, we've been through med school. We've been through residency. I was a pediatrician. She was an OBGYN. And then we were going to subspecialty training, which is just like a different time in life. It's a little bit more flexible, maybe a little less demanding. Yeah, and we knew our whole life we wanted to have kids. We were so excited. We had just been kind of waiting and said, finally said, hey, this is, let's do this. Let's have, it's time. Yeah, so why not five stars? I mean, it was like a little of an adjustment, right? Yeah, I think you were. Did you give it five? No, we both gave it four. We gave it four. We both gave it four. I mean, it's a life change. And I think that's where sometimes adding the first kid really, like, shocks people. You think that, you think you're just gonna bring your baby and continue doing your life. And I think there are some babies that allow that. Which we did. That are more easygoing. We, like, our hobby at the time was dog sports, actually. And so, like, we took our seven-week-old to Nationals in Virginia. And it was 85 degrees. And we were like, hey, we're gonna keep doing life, all the things. But it was really hard. It was so hard. And we just, like, didn't know better. Yeah. Which is good, right? But she was a baby who, like. She was angry for the first month of her life. And she, like, you know, she was just required constant attention when she was awake. Yeah. She slept great. She figured out eating after about her first month. But, like, she, like, did not want to be sat down. And some of that was, like, we held her so much during that first month because we were having trouble with eating. Or is it just how God made her? I think that's just how God made her. She's a very spirited toddler that has continued. And, like, that one, we wanted the life change. We were so excited for the life change. We were both together and available. And, like, we were kind of both on research at the time. So we were just around together doing the baby. And this was our next adventure. And it was so, we were so ready for it and so wanted it. Like, the life change was welcomed. Where I think in other seasons, a big altering of your life where you now have this little tiny human who demands all of the attention. They give nothing back. They just want. It could be hard. And so I think that would be my fourth, fourth, sorry. 4.5. It was great. Like, we, it was so fun. It was hard. I think the other thing, like, what makes that first one hard is, even though, like, you know, I'm a pediatrician. I've been through training. Like, there's still so much that you just don't know. We're like, how do you calm a baby? How do you swaddle a baby? How do you teach them to sleep? How do you teach them to start food? When do you feed them? How do you breastfeed? How, like, do you survive postpartum and not sleeping and all these? It's just a ride. And so, like, this is so much of, like, why we continue doing this is because we had to learn so much along the way. And there was, like, so many things we were like, hey, like, why isn't this just known? And, like, we didn't have, like, a close village near us. We were kind of in a relatively new city. And we didn't have, like, friends with little kids. And so it was just like, what are we doing? Yeah. Ah! And as soon as you get something figured out, it changes. The baby's on a new sleep schedule or a new nap schedule or whatever. And anyway. That's what makes the number one hard. It's like, even if, like, you've been through medical training, there is so much that is unknown. And it's just hard. So, like, if that's where you're at, like, hey, it's hard. It is life-changing to go from zero to one. But, like, where we were at, four stars. Four stars? Yes, and it's a wonderful life change. And you get better. Yeah. You get better. What about one to two? One to two. We were in a completely different stage. You gave this zero stars. Zero stars. I gave it two. Woof! What was the difference? So, by now, we had, like, gone to another new city. New city. I was in a second fellowship training. So, like. I was in my first big girl job. And, like, we, like, had, there was just, like, no one close to us. We were ten hours from my parents. The people we worked with and knew, like, we love and care for. And, like, we're so thankful for our friends. But, like, we just didn't have support. We didn't have community. We didn't have support. Our families were far away. And we had a very spirited. 20-month-old. Almost two-year-old. Yes, like, I think that was the biggest thing that made it so hard. That was the variable. That was tough. Our toddler was tough. And then our baby was tough. Yeah. So, like, what, when you say he was tough, what was tough about the number two? Dear Sweet Bo. That kid wouldn't eat. He was a very lazy eater. He was just like. Oh, the other thing. Our nanny quit. I didn't go back to work. Yeah. Because we were moving for our next jobs. Like, our forever jobs. So, I was, like, stay-at-home mom-in-it with two under two. A thing we, like, so strongly wanted to have kids close and worked very hard for that. And it was just really hard to have a very, very needy toddler and a very, very challenging baby who just, like. He wasn't great at naps. He, like, didn't sleep for more than 30 minutes That kid took 25-minute naps, 26-minute naps for the first five months of his life. Like, he just, oh, Bowie. But, man, he turned into the sweetest little boy. But the transition stage is so hard, I think. And I think even, like, you know, I was in a one-year subspecialty fellowship training and, like, I had this very, like, dedicated amount of time that I needed to be hyper-focused on my job, which meant, like, hey, like, I couldn't. I took, hey, I took, like, a week of paternity leave and then said, Godspeed, Sarah. Which was fine. Like, I said, do that. You need to go learn. We're here, we're okay. But I tell you, Kurt got to work every day and I'd say, bye. Are you ready? Be ready to come to work. 9 a.m., hey, babe, how's your day looking? When are you coming home? And so, I think, like, you know, for, like, you're going through that transition and you're having a tough time. Like, hey, like, we think we're pretty good parents, but, like, it was hard. It was hard. Everything you thought you'd figured out with your oldest now is, oh, it turns out the second one doesn't, totally, totally different. Learning how to split your time and attention in that, like, someone is potentially not going to be happy all the time. We'd gone from doing everything together for the baby, bath time, bedtime, we're feeding, like, we are together all the time to this little bit of divide and conquer, which- Yeah, it felt so isolating. It was very isolating. Like, you know, you'd be in the one room with, like, a fussy baby, and I'd be out with the toddler making dinner, cleaning up, and it was very much like, hey, like, we went from, like you said, everything was us three, me, you, and the baby, to, like, hey, it's me and a toddler, and you and an infant, and, like- That's not particularly happy. And so, it was just, it was challenging. And, like, this is every stay-at-home parent in America, right, like, with a second kid. It's really hard. And it's just- Parents just need to air. Sometimes, yeah, and just some help, and someone, like, and I had a lot of crying equals failure was, like, where I was- The baby crying. Anybody crying equaled failure to me. And, and, cause, you know, like, I just, just crying equals failure. I'm doing something wrong, everybody's not happy. I didn't want help, or, like, to take, like, we didn't have support, but finding someone to watch the kids. For me, this concept that my kids are hard, or I, okay, somebody's gonna come watch, and my baby's gonna cry for two hours. Like, I remember Kurt's parents came to visit one weekend, and Beau just cried, and cried, and cried, and cried, because he only would be happy with his mom. And so, like, that's really hard for me to have my baby, like, my baby's not enjoyable. Like, in any way, shape, or form, he's not, like, a particularly happy baby, and someone's not having a fun time when they're watching my kids. And that was, that's really hard for me. Like, you want. You want grandma and grandpa to be able to hold the baby and have a happy baby. And, and, and, finally, like, my sister finally was just, like, stop, like, crying isn't failure. This is okay, we love them, they're babies, they cry. Like, go get your nails done, like, leave the house, let us take care of these kids. They're going to be fine and alive when you get back. We are going to love them, they will be loved just as much as you love them while you're gone. Yeah, because at the time, your parents were 14 hours drive away, your sister was 18 hours drive away, like, everyone was two flights away. Yeah. And it was just tough, and I think even, like, you would call, you would text me in the afternoon, like, hey, like, bring home the grippy socks, like, I'm, like, having a hard time. Right, I'm, like, this close. My sister would be, like, yes, Sarah was this close to a grippy sock vacation. Which, like, needing, like, mental health is so important. We've talked quite a bit about, like, postpartum depression, anxiety, et cetera, and I think that was something, like, the stress of the moment that, like. I have shared that I know exactly how to fill out that Edinburgh postpartum depression scale for a nice little zero score, but had I filled it out, honestly, it was probably, like, an 11, which is, you know, like, talk to someone, you need some help. And so, like, if that's you, if you're having a tough time, like, it's hard to get help. It is. Ask for help. Yeah, we're physicians with resources, and I've had a really hard time getting help. Like, it wasn't, like, just, like, oh, cool, the neighbor can come over and watch the kid and give you a break. Like, we don't know our neighbors. We don't know people here, and we were there so transiently, and so it's really hard, and it's really frustrating. You know, people are like, well, just get some help. Well, that's not necessarily that easy. And even, like, I would come home, I'd make dinner, I'd do all the things, and, like, tried to be, like, I'd take the baby in the middle of the night, but it was still hard, and so we ended up, like, finding a wonderful woman who would take Bo for a couple hours twice a week or something like that. And Cece was going to a summer camp at school. And so, like, they were just, like, building some time where, like, you were able to, like, go do life outside of the home, which, like, is what it took. And then finally, like, hey, we transitioned to a new move, a new state, a new job, and, like, closer to family. And the babies get bigger. Like, around six months old, they just transition to, like, napping during the day, and they're just, they get through those colicky phases, and they get used to being in the world, and, like, Bowie became the most delightful little baby ever. He's the most wonderful father. He's so sweet. And, gosh, like, them, the, so the continued transition to, like- Yeah, now having, like, two toddlers that play together is, like, both, like, still hard. Like, the hard has changed. But also, it's so fun to watch them, like, love on each other, to, like, play together. Like, you know, there's no doubt, like, in this toddler phase of life, like, they're so impressionable. And, like, we talk about, like, mantras and mottos often. And, like, hey, like, who's your best buddy forever? Like, oh, it's baby Bow. Or Bow says, it's Cece. Teaching them that their best buddy is their sibling. And, like, using that to, like, hey, like, this is your best buddy forever. And then watching that, like, actually come into reality. Like, hey, it's not just some- Helping them be buddies. Fun thing we say, but, like, they are best buddies. Yeah, having that two and four-year-old is so fun. So, like, the transition gets to a good place. So, if you're in that, like- Early phase. Six-month-old, two-and-a-half-year-old, just hang in there. Next summer will be better. It will be so much better. The hard change is the joy increases, right? Like, I think that's, like, something that, like, we don't even know what it's like to have big, busy kids with drama. Right. With friends and other parents. Big kids, big drama. We're gonna get there, but, like, the hard change is the joy increases, right? They're, like, they're toddler hugs. They're, like, you pick them up in the middle of the night and they're just this dead weight that you, like, have to move to, like, taking them to the bathroom. Whatever you're doing, like, I think, like, the joy, like, the hard change is the joy increases, so. Yeah. Okay. Number three transition. You gave four and I gave five stars. Okay, okay. So, like, you know. I could give it five. I should've given it five. It was funny, I was so nervous about going from two to three. Why was I so nervous? One to two was rough, so. Because one to two was rough and there was, like, I remember, like, there were evenings where Sarah would get home late, she'd be in the operating room or whatever, and I would be home with. Two. The two, and I'd be like, gosh, I'm having a hard time. I'm cooking dinner. I've got, like, two kids that are, like, unhappy. The house is a mess. I feel stressed and it dawned on me when you were about seven months pregnant with Hank, our third, like, oh, like, this is what's coming next. It's me and the toddlers and you and the baby again. And, like, I was really anticipating that and I was so nervous and, like, you know, I've got clinic visits all the time and I'd ask families of three, four, five, six children, like, hey, like, what transition was the hardest? Or, like, I asked. Yeah, who asks those questions? I asked my patients all the time. Like, the moms, like, the dads, like, hey, what transition? And a lot of people said, like, one to two was hard. A lot of people said two to three was hard. And I remember I had this visit one day. It was a mom of four girls and, like, two of her kids were there and she goes, I just feel so bad for the people who stop after two because you get better at it and it gets so much better for kids three and four. This was her take. And then I was like, oh, that's awesome. Like, I'm feeling, I told her, I'm like, I'm feeling nervous about adding the third. And she goes, oh, yeah. Adding the third was really hard. And so, like, I think it's, like, each stage is hard. But, like, you, like, I think, not that your standards change, but, like, you learn to accept, you learn to accept what your limitations are. And you have different expectations of what the kids are capable of, too, and, like, what's normal and emotions and different things. So, like, I still, it was a four-star experience. Hank is a delight. He is, and so much of this is temperament of your kid, which you, I find, more and more, I realize I have not that much control over his temperament. It's a whole lot of just, like, nature, not nurture. Right, well, God give you, that's what you get. And Hank is just, like, a delightful, joyful, content little baby. And I don't know if that's because he has his, like, siblings to watch during the day, and that keeps him entertained, or. It's so much fun watching the big siblings. What it is, but. But he's still a baby. He, like, still, lots of middle-of-the-night wake-ups, lots of diaper changes. You're pumping in the middle of the night. Still doing that. We've only had him for, you know, a quarter of a year, but so far, we really like him. He's great. Yeah, yeah. And so, it's just. And his siblings love him. Yes, it's just a different, different, yeah. And we were just, like, okay, we're in this. Life is chaos. We're adding a little more. What's, whatever. Like, this is where we live now, so. And I think other life things, like, hey, we're settled in. We've got, like, great in-home childcare for our big two. Our hands are awesome. So, like, we've got so much more support. We're so much closer to grandma and grandpa that they're able to come and help. And so, like, I think that's the other big thing, is, like, we have just, like, been able, or, like, hey, like, we had such a hard time adding the second. We realized it was, like, we didn't have community. Hey, like, how do we make sure we build community and that we're ready for the next one? I took a much longer parental leave. Like, hey, like, the one week I took off after baby two was not adequate. And, like, we both knew that at the time. We did. That was just. To say, like, hey, like, I'm gonna be home. We're gonna, like, space out my time. So, like, I get this month and a half that, like, it was just this wonderful family time together. And, like, hey, you've got a baby who, like, has to get up in the middle of the night, still has lots of diaper changes, like, still has his little issues. He still had a lip and a tongue tie that, like, we had to take care of, like, lots of little things. But, like, we were just so much more equipped for it. And we'd done it before. It's just, like, you just know to roll with these things and you've done it before and you have more coping mechanisms and you just, you just get better at momming and parenting and you, like, you just get better at it. And you can't compare yourself as the first time mom who has a brand new baby to someone who's got three or four or five kids. Like, they're just better at it. They've been doing it longer. They have different skills. And you will get them, too. And I think your style is different, too. There's this, you know, like, when you go from one to two, you're trying to parent your second child exactly like you did the first. Like, oh, I learned all these skills. Like, hey, I want to do everything exactly the same way. So, like, we've got this perfect schedule. And so, like, when we had just one, when it was, like, hey, six o'clock bath, then we get out, we dry off, we read books, we sing our three songs, and then, like, hey, we're setting you down in the crib at seven and you're asleep by seven or eight. Like, it was, like, clockwork that last hour and a half every night. Every night. When you add a new baby and you've got a toddler, like, all of a sudden, like, your ability to be, like, rigid schedulers just goes out the window. And, like, I felt like we were- I mean, maybe some people can. Maybe some people can. We're not successful. And, like, we were trying so hard to parent the second, like we parented the first. And it just, like, needs to be different because your family's completely different. And so, I think that's something that, for the third child, like, hey, we still have really high standards. We, like, still have big goals for this infant. Like, we're gonna, like, read to them and love on them and, like, lavish all the wonderful things we can on them still. But, like, we have to be more flexible because we've got two big kids. And I think that, like, hey, you can't parent your second child like you did your first. You can't parent your third like you did your first two. Right. That's been really helpful. Yeah. But I just, it's been great. We love him. The chaos is- There's, like, connection in the chaos now. Yeah. And- There was a book you read that I remember, like, after, like, you were having a hard time with our baby number two, Beau, about, like, something, like, hard is not bad or, like, what was- Hard is not the same thing as bad. A mother of 10 wrote that one. She had said going from one to two is the hardest for her, too. Yes, I know. She, mom of 10, said two kids was the hardest season of their life and I felt very validated in that. No, you just get better. And, like, you just, you just learn some things. And we hope that we share some of those things we are learning with you because it is hard and you are not alone and you just sometimes need a place to go and be like, is this normal? Like, even the newborn video last week, like, newborn reflexes. One of my mom friends had sent me this video of her baby, like, having these little spasms or these, do they need to see a neurologist? And we're like, nope, that's the moro reflex. You're good. Normal baby stuff, yeah. And so, like, and that's even, like, you know, our goal here with our channel is so much to bring you guys educational content that is, like, evidence-based and, like, shares our real life experiences with it. But, like, honestly, it's been so fun. The thing that we didn't plan on is, like, the community that's been built because of this, that, you know, it's so fun, like, some of our, like, hey, you're pregnant now, what video? And, like, reading in the comments about people who are so excited to be pregnant for the first time or, like, other videos and something that we're looking forward to in the future is, like, finding new ways to, like, build into you, build into our community to help people like we were who, like, were struggling. It's weird. In surgery, when you're a trainee, you're attending is always with you and you're doing the surgery and sometimes you're, you know, like, am I gonna cut here? Should I go here? And you're attending, I'll just, like, give you this, mm-hmm. Like, that's the good move. And just having that reassurance from, like, a seasoned surgeon helps. It's just, like, very confidence-building. And I think it's the same thing with parenthood to have this, like, nod from seasoned parents and it's really helpful. And it, like, and it's funny how, like, that can't necessarily be the grandparents because, like, gosh, we love the grandparents so much. They raised kids 30, 40 years ago, right? And so, like, their memory is, like, completely positively colored. Gram-nesia, baby. Yes. And so, like, having- Even this weekend, my dad's, like, you would have never talked to. Of course not, Dad. It has become clear. Me and my sister were the perfect children and my kids just aren't that good. And that's just where it's gonna be. And so, which is, like, the fun of, like, us sharing our lives with you, too, is that, like, hey, like, we're not perfect. This is hard some days. Our kids aren't perfect, but gosh, we love them. Yes, and so, anyway- And we wanna keep them healthy and strong and we want the same for you and your family. So. Hey, if you, let us know in the comments what transition was the hardest for you, where you're at, how that's been. If, like, there's anything that's, like, jumped out as a surprise to you, let us know. And then, like, stay tuned. We've got some plans for, like, how we're gonna build up community a little bit more that we're really excited to bring to you guys in the upcoming months. Have a great week. Okay, see you guys. We're doctors. But not your doctors. Anything we've said in this video is for education or entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice. Any specific medical questions you have should be directed to your provider.