" Top 5 Most-Watched Live Sketches | Season 50 | Saturday Night Live"

I'm sorry I met someone I connected with, but Domingo is in the past. Kelsey, I'm here. See now, if this is Domingo, I'm gonna be pissed. Hey man, came all this way, had to explain, direct from Domingo. Kelsey's a friend, she's like my sis, but we did hook up though. And welcome back, you're watching WANU Midday News. In just a bit, we'll have more on that incoming winter snowstorm. Get ready to bundle up folks, but first, the latest on what's happening over in Westlake. So sad. Community members remain rattled after yet another gang-related drive-by shooting that took place in the 4000 block of Reisterstown Road late last night. The shooting is believed to be in connection to last week's string of violence in the same area. After questioning witnesses and reviewing nearby surveillance footage, police have identified the suspects and located the 2018 Dodge Charger used in last night's crime. The suspects are believed to be four white... Yes! I know that's right. I'm sorry, what's going on? Oh, uh, nothing. Just relieved that the police have, uh, white-dentified the suspects. Exactly. Very white. Okay, crime is crime and we're all relieved. Oh sure, yeah, absolutely, yeah. Well, it's shaping up to be quite a busy week for local law enforcement as police deliver on their promise to crack down on the increasing drug traffic. Uh-oh. Not drugs. A raid early this morning uncovered a major meth ring. Okay, we're good. Quiet suburban neighborhood. Now, you know! Know what? That they ain't one of us, okay? Well, how do you know that? Uh, meth. Quiet. Come on now. Alright, uh, let's see the picture. Why are you entertaining this stupid game? Because we're down 2-0, Suzanne. You want to lose? Show the picture. Lose what? Police say they are still on the lookout for this man. Breaking bad-looking ass! That's 2-0. Alright, alright, let me do one. Police are looking for looters. You hear that? These looters were spotted after wildfires devastated homes in Hunt Valley Township. Looters. Okay, just read the story. That's enough. Looks like they stole televisions, bikes. Who do you think that was? What color do you think that was? Do your job, Dale. Alright. Police are on the lookout for the alleged ringleader, a local man named Ethan Kapowski. Damn it. Nothing. We in your way. Alright, this is childish. It's time to take a moment to hear from our eye-in-the-sky Sheldon Holmes with the latest on traffic. Thanks, Suzanne. As usual, we've got a bit of a lunch hour bottleneck situation heading east on Route 30. And speaking of 3-0, get your brooms ready, because this is looking like a sweep, y'all. Fine. Let's see about this one. Mayhem at the barber shop. Oh, damn. After a customer was shot Oh, Lord. during an argument over Drake and Kendrick. Yeah. Yeah, that's us. Yeah, that's us. Okay. 3-1. 3-1. You guys sure you don't want to see a picture? Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. We still in the lead. How about this? Violence erupted in the parking lot of a concert. I like where this is going. Where Shaboosie was performing. Who the heck is Shaboosie? He's a genius, but this sounds like us. When a man selling bootleg t-shirts opened fire. That's you guys all day. 3-2. This is it, Roland. A Florida middle school teacher has resigned after falling in love with an 8th grade student. 4-2. Susanna. Whose team are you on? Pick a different one. Wait, wait, wait. I haven't finished reading yet. Authorities have charged 38-year-old Lakesha Williams. 3-3. 3-3. Thank you, sweet baby Lakesha. Lakesha girl, what is you doing? Alright, alright, alright. 3-3. Next one takes it. Alright, I got it. A Hartford County man has been hospitalized after taking on a bizarre challenge of eating raw chicken every day. That's y'all. That's you guys. What are you talking about? Raw food? That's y'all all day. Yeah, but it's chicken. So, come on, you guys are the chicken people. Okay, okay, this is getting a little heated. Okay, why don't we move on to a feel-good story. A 91-year-old woman won a dance contest. Girl, who cares? She don't got long left anyway. Come on, keep it up. Alright, let's get back to the game. Alright, for all the marvels. A woman is suing the state after her adopted pet monkey danced. Good game. Okay, alright. Good game. And that's all the time we have today at WANU Midday News. Hold on, we still got a few more seconds. Real quick, do another one. Okay, okay, okay. Uh, TSA agent. Uh, damn it. Yes, yes. We're tied again. Okay, do one more. Do one more. Jennifer Coolidge for Maybelline. Oh gosh. Hi. Maybelline's new Super Stay Longwear Liquid Lip Color goes on like a dream. I better look in the mirror and make sure I didn't miss any spots. Wow, you look great, Jennifer Coolidge. Really? Me? I do? Heck yeah. Thanks to Maybelline's Longwear Liquid Lip Color. Thanks. I've got a big date tonight and I'm counting on Maybelline's Liquid Lip Long Lip to seal the deal. Should we put on some more? Absolutely. What are we going to talk about on our date? I don't know. What's a great conversation starter? Lemons. What topic should we avoid? Fish. The band or the animal? There's an animal called fish. Yeah. What would we say if our date asked us if we could have any super power? Crab walk. Now give me one. Anyone living or dead, who would it be? Living. You can't help but sound smart when you're wearing Maybelline. Let's say the name together. Yeah. Maybelline Color Lip Liner. Leper Maybelline. I think this mirror's smudged. Hang on. Let's see if this helps. Gosh, it's soaked. It's like soap. Open it. Oh, gosh. All better. Yeah. Gotta wipe it down. Hey, I wonder what our lips look like from the side. Let me fold out this part of the mirror. Wow. You opened the mirror. I've been trapped in here for years. Oh, no. It's okay. You look great. I'm Jennifer Coolidge. We know. Hey, maybe we need more Longwear Liquid Lip Color Long-Lasting Mouth Magic. Yeah. For you. Just there. Yeah. Just mine. There you go. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah. You're right on. Thank you. So, are we gonna kiss this guy tonight? I hope so. Hey, you need a little bit more. Gotta really fill him out. Yeah. All right, girls. It's about time. Are we ready? Yeah. Oh. Okay. Oh, thanks to Maybelline Lip Lasting Long Lip Color, ultimate plumper, gloss color, liquid lip color, and Maybelline. Wow. Okay. Buona sera. Welcome to the palazzo. Now, everybody gonna be a little quiet because of the prince. He wanna say a little something, okay? Grazie, Matteo. Oh, prego. Prego. Now, as you all know, it's the renaissance, and I love the music. But if there was anything that could make the music a little more special, I would love it even more. Ah, yes, and that is why I invited the people to come up with new ideas for how to make the music even more special. See, Prince Enzo, I come up with a little lute, but it got a three neck, so you can really shred. Okay, okay. Not so bad. Not so good. And Prince Enzo. Prince Enzo. We could just jump in for a second. We would love for you to meet our son, Antonio. Yeah, we think you're really gonna love our son, Antonio. He very special. Antonio, come on out. What do you have to say to me, Antonio? Oh, he a little shyer, Antonio. He a much more comfortable singing. Yeah, go ahead and sing for Prince Enzo, Antonio. You're gonna love this. Eh? I mean, as well as that. Wow, that is very beautiful singing. And did you notice how high his voice was? I did, yes. Yes, it was the only thing I noticed, yes. Well, what if I had told you that any boy could sing like this? All we had to do was have him castrated. Sorry, what was that? Antonio is what we're calling a castrato. It's a new technique we've been experimenting with. Yeah, it's nothing crazy. You just castrate your son before at the puberty so his voice will never drop. Wait, explain this again. Okay, well, you know how you listen to a boy sing, and you think, oh, he should sing like this forever. But then you go through the puberty and his voice drops down, it's all out. Yeah, but for a castrato, that's never gonna happen. Show him, Antonio. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, he means him in short and with a song. Mi se, mi se. Oh, I mean, come on. He's like a freaky little angel, huh? We are so proud of you, Antonio. So proud. Does the boy like what you did to him? You mean the castration? Yes, I think you know he mean the castration. I don't know if Antonio even noticed. Do you notice the castration, Antonio? The castration, was it fun or not so fun? Hmm? Fun? Not so fun? You know, I think he just don't like to talk. He prefer to sing. No, I, uh, I think he is staring off at Dead Eye because he cut his nuts off. No, no, no, it's not like that at all. Yeah, we're not a monster. We never cut off nothing. Oh, well, that's good. Yeah, yeah, we never cut. We're just a twist. You see, we twist. Sorry, a twist? Ah, si, si, si, si, si, si, si. We just take the boy when he's eight or nine years old and we put him into a, como se dice, opium-induced coma? Opium-induced coma. Yeah, and then we take his little gonad and we just give him a little twist. Yeah. What we do is we are, we twist. Like a little twist. And we twist and we twist some more until the little gonad is basically a paparazzo. You see, the little gonad yells, I give up. I give up. I don't want to go back no more. And then two weeks later, Antonio wakes up and he got a beautiful high-pitched singing voice forever. Right, Antonio? Yep. Can I ask, uh, what did you do with the gonad after it's a paparazzo? Well, we put it in the icebox in case we ever want to reverse the operation. You did? But, funny story, the dog, he learned how to open up the icebox and he make a big meal out of the gonad. And now, the dog, he bark like this. And I have a question as well. Ah, yes, Keenan. Does Antonio write the music also? Ah, he does. Antonio, you want to share the original song you wrote about the gonad experience? Sure. Come on, babe. Come on, baby. Please don't shout. Come on, come on, come on, come on, baby. Come on, baby. Just sit and pop it right off. Pop it right off. Now, that's not what I call the music where the voice doesn't have a gonad's volume 12. In Stars, Justin Timer for Columbus Day. Okay, and the final answer in Guess That Baby Food is... Gurmer Puree Beef and Ham! Okay, not me actually liking it. Oh, that was so fun. Okay, switching gears. Let's give a round of applause to the MILF of the hour, my cousin, Kelsey! Kelsey Rehab, welcome back. And let's not forget about the Papa 2B. Kidding. Just four weeks till we meet our little one. I would now like to invite up Kelsey's besties, a.k.a. Kel Squad. What up? Instead of a gift, we're going to do something different for y'all because we're a little bit artistic and a little bit random. Last month, we took Kelsey on one last girls trip, a besties babymoon. I think the babymoon is normally for the couple, but, hey, I know y'all queens gotta be queens. And let's just say Kelsey was hot to go. On our vacay, so we wrote a special song about it. They say everything's bigger in Texas. But Kelsey's already effing huge, so we went to Miami. Six, seven, eight. Kelsey is our bestie, gonna be a mama. So we took a trip in my Hyundai Sonata. Just cause you're pregnant don't mean you're a granny. Kelsey couldn't fly, so we drove to Miami. We got facials at the spa. And Kelsey gets off. Know who she's texting. D-O-M-I-N-G That she forgot it's due. She's sending him her pregnant news. Wait, what happened? Oh my god, babe, just listen to the whole song before you make like a snap judgment. Okay, well the song just started and we're already at pregnant news. Dancing at the club at Kelsey's paddock. Take her to the bathroom and she just starts shouting. She says eight months ago is a little bit hazy. I'm 90% sure that it's not Domingo's baby. Wait, what? There's a chance this isn't even my kid? Babe, are you even listening? I said it's 90% not his baby. Trust the math. We see why Kelsey brought us to Miami. She has the address of his childhood home. She meets his whole family. They completely embrace her. Is the point of this song that you saw Domingo in Miami? No, the point is it is hot to go. D-O-M-G-O Kelsey's learning Espanol. D-O-M-G-O Spends all day on Duolingo. I heard you speaking Spanish in the bathroom. Escuchate, Mateo. We don't know where Kelsey's been. Look her up on FEM. She's standing in the ocean like she don't give a damn. Then she pulls out the soap. She says we came to Miami cause she found out the paternity. The doctor says it is twins. And what is Matthew's? And what is Domingo's? Magically impossible. Okay, miracles happen every day. I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to be honest with me. When was the last time you saw Domingo? It is today. Make you happy. Direct from the D-O-M-G-O Yeah, so Matthew, I'll finish with this. It's a privilege to be your best man. But it's even more of a privilege to be your best friend. I love you, bro. That's my boy right there. Alright, give it up for the best man. But we did say no boring speeches, no shade. Anyway, turning the attention to my beautiful sister, the bride, Kelsey. Same mom, different dad. Love you, girl. I would like to invite up Kelsey's Bridesmaids aka the Kel Squad. Okay, so instead of a speech we're going to do something different for y'all because we're a little bit creative and a little bit quirky. And we know we're not Matt's favorite because every time Kelsey's with us she low-key blacks out. Nah, come on. I love y'all. But Kelsey loves her espresso martinis so we wrote a special song about our bachelorette trip. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. But we didn't go to Vegas, we went to Charleston. Hit it! The bridesmaids wanted a celebration so we took a trip bachelorette vacation cause we know she needs one a break from Matthew. Just kidding, Matt. We're glad she has you. We're out, the shots are flowing, yeah Guys on the dance floor grooving, yeah We say no thanks, she's taking ya Woo! With a hot guy But he looks gay Heard his name's Domingo Second location, maybe he's bi Still dancing with Domingo Third location, fully straight Fully touching Domingo I can't wait to be his wife She's pointing to Domingo So, quick question Who's Domingo? Just this random guy we met, I told you about him I'm positive you did not In the bathroom We take her aside She says don't worry We won't cross the line Think of your fiancé She says good reminder Hand me her ring Then we can't find her You took off your ring? Is this true? I just didn't want to lose it in the hot tub What hot tub? Now we're Back in the house, in the hot tub She's there with Domingo At the hotel, she's vibing With Domingo You asked them to leave and get a hotel? You're missing it At the Marriott Googling Domingo Domingo Just to make sure He's not psycho But he's actually a doctor And randomly a model And he volunteers With weird sick animals Is the point of this song Just that Kelsey cheated on me all weekend? No, the point is it's espresso You're not even listening to the lyrics That's all I'm listening to Next day She said nothing happened They talked all night About you Matthew The man at brunch She just starts crying We ask her why She says I'm just so tired We say take a nap She says I'm not that kind of tired Okay I need answers now about you And whoever this Domingo guy is And not for nothing but the rhyme scheme Has gone completely out the window Look I'm sorry I met someone I connected with but Domingo is in the past Kelsey I'm here See now if this is Domingo I'm gonna be pissed Hey Matt Came all this way Had to explain direct from Domingo Kelsey's a friend She's like my sis But we did hook up though What? Why would you guys tell me this through song? I hope we can still be friends