Hollywood Lied To Women _ Whitney Cummings

Romantic comedies, they brainwash women. They make us believe in like fate and destiny. Fate and destiny are names of strippers, okay? They're not real. Good though, because romantic comedies set the bar so high for you guys. But what's weird is that guys are the ones that write all the romantic comedies. Guys run Hollywood. If women ran Hollywood, the romantic comedies would be a lot more realistic. So there'd be a lot less disappointment when you left the theater, right? No more freaking models being cast as the lead of every movie. Lead of every movie, if women ran Hollywood, Kathy freaking Bates, bitch. Angelina Jolie would never work again. I don't care. Cambodia can ******* have her, **** her. Our new sexy action star, Oprah, bam. She blows some ---- up and everyone gets a car. I would see that movie. It's funny though, because I feel like romantic comedies set the bar so high for you guys. We want you guys to act like the men in romantic comedies. But if you ever did act like the men in romantic comedies, it would totally backfire, right? Carrying a woman up the stairs. I'm going to carry my woman up the stairs. I'm going to sweep her off her feet. If you guys try to do that in real life, you better make sure you don't so much as freaking wince. You better go to the gym. You make sure you can lift her weight, bitches. Because if there's like a... You are so fucked. Just kill yourself. It's not even worth it. Oh, what? I'm fat? Is that it? I'm fat? George Clooney could have carried me up the stairs. Ruben Studdard could have carried me up the stairs. You have a small dick. The thing I feel like guys are always doing in romantic comedies that would never fly in real life is guys are always like lighting candles to be romantic. No. Women are obsessed with candles. We're like pyromaniacs, right? You guys come over, we have candles everywhere. You don't know if we're going to have sex with you or sacrifice you, right? But guys, you cannot light candles. If I go to a guy's house and he's got candles everywhere, I don't think you're romantic. I think you took a dump, okay? We know what you're doing. Stop trying to glade your way out of that Chipotle. Just stop. The other thing guys do in romantic comedies that would never fly in real life is guys are always like showing up unannounced. You know what I mean? Just showing up. Like I was watching one and this woman was like gardening or something and the guy was like standing there. She turns around. He's like, oh my God, what are you doing here? And the guy was like, I just had to see you. First of all, it's 2010. You can send a ******* text, okay? Stop being a creepy stalker. It's weird. Second of all, women, we do not like being snuck up on, okay? I need a lot of time before I see my man. A lot of things need to go down before I see my man. I don't want any surprises, all right? I got to get the baby wipes out. I got to get some under eye concealer so I don't look like an avatar. A lot of things have to go down, okay? But it's so crazy because women, we put so much effort into getting ready hours before we leave the house, right? Hair and makeup and shaving and tweezing and plucking and eyeliner, which is ridiculous because women are naturally beautiful, right? You guys don't need any makeup. Women wake up in the morning and are naturally beautiful, period. You guys are ******* disgusting and you don't have to do anything. You just roll out of bed with those balls. How dare you? They're so awful. They're embarrassing. That's what needs three hours of makeup right there. Some concealer, yeah. Maybe a hot iron to iron out those wrinkles, please. One thing you guys do have to do, like shave your face, you don't even have to do it. If you guys don't shave, it's sexy. It's distinguished. If we don't shave, we're lesbians. That's how that goes down. Women, we torture ourselves, right? At any given moment, women are wearing so many torture devices, like thong underwear. Who invented that? **** you. It is terrible. You know a woman did not invent thong underwear because no woman was ever standing around in full underwear and was like, you know what would be so much more comfortable? If all of this fabric was just violently riding up my asshole, is there a way to get all this fabric to just try to rape my butthole? I want it just to feel like a rubber band is snapping. I want it to feel like an alligator is actually eating me out. Can you do that? Thong underwear so that we don't have panty lines. For what? Do you think in the history of time, any guy was ever standing around like in a nightclub bar with his buddy and was like, this is my buddy, by the way. It was like, hey dude, dude, check out that girl. She's so hot. Oh my God. She's so hot. She's so sexy. I've got to talk to her. All right, I'm going to go talk to her. I'll be right back. Dude, dude. What are those lines? Oh my God. Nevermind. That's disgusting. It's ridiculous. And most of these torture devices, men invented, you know, guys invented high heel shoes. That was a guy's invention, which I have a theory about this. I have a theory that like 200 years ago, women were getting around wearing flat shoes, getting where they needed to go. A bunch of guys got in a room and they were like, God, you know what? These women, they are gorgeous. They are beautiful. The only problem is they are really hard to have sex with. I mean, they could just get up and walk away. We need to do something to just slow them down. What if we just put like a four inch brick on the back of their foot? You think they'd do that? And it works. Cause I've talked to guys extra hours longer than I wanted to because my feet were freaking killing me. I've gotten to the point where I'm just like, dude, can I just have that roofie now? Cause on my feet, I can't feel anything. Please. Those heels are too, you know, they call those really high heels. They call them **** me heels. That's what they call them. Cause when you put them on, you're like, oh, **** me. Really? We're doing this again. I don't like to wear **** me heels. I like to wear, let's just be friends, sneakers. I've also invented an underwire bras, which again, only a guy's insensitive mind would come up with that. Because only a guy's mind would be so insensitive that they would see, you know, a soft bra with a woman's boot and was like, you know what that thing needs? I think that needs a skewer right through. It's not a kebab. What are you doing? This isn't ******* fight club. What is going on in your head? And then women started getting pissed off because they hurt so much, right? And then women started burning their bras and then guys invented water bras so we couldn't burn them anymore. That's actually pretty smart. I got to give you a gold star for that. And then they're like, you know what? These women still, the boobs are not big enough. And then you guys invented breast implants. What? The next step was cut them open and fill them with jello. Are you out of your ******* mind? Women do not get breast implants. Do not let society's ideal of beauty. Yeah. Mess with your self-worth. Do not get, love your body. **** the media. It's all Photoshop. Love your body. Yeah. Serious note from Whitney Cummings. But you also don't want to get breast implants because if you get breast implants, you're just going to attract the wrong kind of guy. Every guy in an Ed Hardy shirt is going to want to talk to you. Is that what you want? Every guy in a Bluetooth headset with flames on the side of his car, stitching on his jeans. Is that what you want? I don't have any boobs and my life is quiet. No one tries to talk to me. I can go into a nightclub. No one harasses me. No one even tries to hug me. This is no fun. No one wants to do the sternum bump. It's not fun. I walk by a construction site. Shh, quiet. Every now and then a construction will be like, yo, what's up, dude? I don't get that. What is the yelling at women? What is the yelling at strangers? What is that? What does that accomplish? Like do you think in the history of time, five dudes in the back of a truck yelling at a girl jogging has ever worked? You think in the history of time any girl was ever like and heard, in the history of time, anyone ever sat down with a happily married couple and was like, hey, so how did you two meet? And the girl's like, well, one morning I was jogging and this truck full of five dudes drove by. One of them yelled out, I want to put it in your butt. And I was like, he's the one.