How to Articulate Your Thoughts More Clearly Than 99% of People

Let's be real. Most conversations are painfully boring. Like painfully boring, not because people are boring, but because they don't know the keys to become a great conversationalist. And if you've ever frozen in the middle of a conversation or gone blank or said something that even you might've found boring, or you left a party and then questioned, did I say that the right way? This episode is for you. I'm going to teach you how to be a great communicator, how to be magnetic, how to be memorable and impossible to ignore. And so we're going to dive into the psychology behind it, the actual strategy behind it, and then the mindset to having great magnetic conversations with other people. Okay. So first off, before we talk about, let's talk about the reasons why you actually freeze in conversation with other people. The first reason why is because we have perfection pressure that we put on ourself. You're trying to say the right thing, which means that you're editing your thoughts instead of fully expressing your thoughts. Because too many of us were edited by our parents, by our teachers, by people that were older than us on what we're supposed to say, what we're not supposed to say. Don't use those words because, you know, that's rude or those are bad words. And now what happens as adults is that we worry too much that we're saying the wrong thing. And in turn, we edit ourselves too much because we're so worried about saying the wrong thing. And then we don't truly connect with another person as if there is actually a wrong thing to say. Right? So that's the first thing. The second thing that we have is a lot of us have internal judgment. You're not listening to the other person. In a lot of cases, you're too busy listening to your inner critic. And that's the reason why the conversation stalls. Another thing that you're trying to do most likely is you're trying to seem like an interesting person. Like you are trying to be interesting. I hope this person likes me. I want to say the right thing. I want to make sure that I seem really cool. A big key and one of my favorite quotes around this is stop trying to be interesting and start trying to be interested. Be interested in the other person more than you're trying to be interesting and you will crush it in conversations. And I'll teach you exactly how to do that in just a minute. And then all of that basically turns into the threat response in your brain trying to protect you because your brain is wired to protect you. If it senses potential rejection or embarrassment or I don't fit in here or not belonging, it usually triggers this mild stress response within us. And the stress response is either fight, flight, or freeze. And so what we do is then we start thinking, am I doing this right? Am I not doing this right? What are they thinking of me? We're not paying attention to the other person's thinking. We're thinking too much in our own head. And then we freeze and we screw up the conversation and we can get awkward. But what I really want you to think about is I want you to try to remember the last time that you were in a conversation or you were around someone who just said what they thought. Not to be an a**hole or any sort of way. They were just being themselves. No filter, no agenda, just being 100% real. It's weirdly magnetic, right? We almost get kind of jealous when we see someone like that because we're like, man, they're so themselves. I wish I could be more like that. Hey, to the 65.6% of you who watch my videos but are not subscribed, yes, we see it. And if you've ever learned anything from any of the videos I've put out, please do me a favor, hit that subscribe button. It helps the channel grow and it helps me keep making more content to help you grow as well. So with that, let's go back to the show. And so instead of rehearsing the perfect answer, one of the best things you could do in a conversation, hey, go figure, is to actually just say what you're thinking. And the way that you can do that, if you're afraid like, oh my gosh, this might be too harsh, I don't know if I can say this, is to use what I call a buffer sentence. Before you truly say what you feel, if you're worried about what you're about to say, use a buffer sentence, which is something like, hey, I'm not sure if this is going to come out right, but here's what I think. Because it kind of buffers it. Or this might sound kind of random, but I've been thinking this. Or it could be something like, this might be a hot take, or people might not like this, but I actually think whatever it might be. Or you could just use my favorite one, which is, hey, can I tell you how I honestly feel? When you use this buffer, it's like you buffer it so that the people basically ask for permission for you to say whatever it is that you want, which means that you can't really offend them if you say exactly what you feel. It's like an actor breaking the fourth wall. People will lean into the conversation a little bit more when you use a buffer sentence like this, because you're breaking the normal, boring, cordial conversation flow by going, hey, is it okay if I tell you how I honestly feel? And then they're like, yes, please, because I'm tired of these boring conversations. And just FYI, you might feel a little bit exposed. You might feel a little bit nervous. That's a good thing. That's what connection feels like. They will feel more connected to you when you share your truth. Now, the other thing that you want to make sure that you do is you want to try to match their body language and their tonality as much as you possibly can. If you want to create an instant connection with someone else, match their energy, mirror their body language, match their rhythm and their pacing. And this isn't manipulation in any sort of way. This is neurobiology. This is how trust is built. You're signaling to their subconscious, I'm safe, I get you, we're in sync. Don't mimic them exactly like a robot. Be subtle, be human, but try to mirror them as much as you possibly can. Pay attention to the way they hold eye contact, their smiles, their pauses, their head nods, the tone of their voice. Pay attention to your breathing. Are you tight and tense, or are you open, are you relaxed, are you open, pay attention to all of these things. If you want to be the type of person that people open up to, your energy needs to be safe enough to feel like they can open up to you. If you're sitting there and you're not nodding your head, you're not listening, but you're like a statue, and your arms are crossed, people are unconsciously not going to feel as safe around you. And so you just want to think, do I feel open and safe to talk to? People are unconsciously picking up your body language and your tonality all the time. It's what your body is signaling to them. So you've got to ask yourself, what is my body signaling to them? The next really big key to this is that you need to be the leader in the conversation. Be the first one to go first. Most people are walking around secretly wanting to be led, like most people in this world want to be led. They're waiting for somebody to open up first, to get vulnerable first. They're waiting for someone to say the honest thing. They're waiting for someone to ask a real meaningful question in the conversation. You need to be that person. If you want real talk with somebody else, lead with real talk. If you want vulnerability from somebody else, you're going to have to be a little bit vulnerable first. If you want them to be real, you're going to have to be real first as well. And so it can be something like, hey, can I be honest with you about something? People are like, yes, of course. And you can go, hey, you don't have to answer this, but I'd love to know. I've never said this out loud before. People love, love when they feel like you're telling them a secret. You're telling them something that's deep inside of you because they will almost always reflect back that open invulnerability if you do the same. It gives them permission to come out of hiding. It's unconsciously saying to them, hey, this isn't a normal, boring conversation like you're used to every single day, all day long. And then as I said just a little while ago, make sure you're trying to be interested in the person instead of interesting. Most people really do mess that up. They think like, I need to have cool stories. I need to be funny. I need to try to impress them. I need to be X, Y, Z. Nope. You're focusing on you. If you really want to be great in a conversation and have a conversation go forever, focus on them. That's how people really start to like you is when you become genuinely interested in them. Not for manipulation, but genuinely interested in them. So ask, do I seem genuinely interested in this person right now? If yes, then the conversation will not die because your curiosity will keep the momentum going. People don't want to be impressed. They want to be seen. So learn to ask better questions. Come up with a list. You can go to be interested and to get people to open up. Hey, what's something that you've been obsessed with lately? Most people are like, hey, what do you do for work? You got any kids? Blah, blah, blah. Weather, boring, politics, boring, just boring stuff. Hey, what's something that you've been totally obsessed with lately? That's a cool question. What would you do every day if you never had to work again? What's something that you secretly nerd out about? Who's had the biggest impact on your life? When was the last time you did something that really changed you? If you could see your younger self and your younger self could see you now, what would surprise them most about you? One of my favorite questions that used to be asked by one of my mentors, he used to go up to people and he was like one of the most engaging people and he just loved people so much is he would sit down with somebody they just met and he'd say, hey, Rob, tell me about you. What's your story? He'd always say that. What's your story? It's like this magical open-ended portal into real talk and to getting to know somebody. So instead of just saying, what's your story? That's a weird way of saying, hey, Rob, tell me about you. I'm really interested. What's your story? Oh my God, the type of conversations this guy could have were incredible. Another question I really love, one of my favorites, is what's a question that you wish more people would ask you? If you ask that question, people almost always tell you one of the most important things in their life that they never get to talk about. And so what we're trying to do here is we're trying to shift from this normal BS small talk to being really connected with another person. Small talk, it's not evil. It's just so shallow. It's like playing in the kiddie pool. You got to eventually dive deeper in a conversation, but don't force it. You got to guide the conversation there. Instead of saying something like, so what do you do for work? Who gives a ****? Who cares at this point? I hate when people ask that question. I've been asked that so many times. I never ask that question, people, because I hate being asked that question. So a better question would be like, what do you love to do? That's awesome. Or if you want to talk about work, what do you love about what you do? You could say something like, instead of where are you from, a real good question I've had asked me before, where do you feel the most at home? Oh, that's a good one, because they're going to tell you a lot about themselves in that. Instead of saying like, oh, was today busy for you? Say something like, hey, what part of today actually gave you energy? The key is to try to ask questions that no one else asks, not the same questions that everyone's used to getting five times a day. Here's why all of this is important, because people don't just remember conversations. They will remember almost nothing that you said and nothing that they said. They remember how you made them feel in that conversation. So that's what's really important with it. Now, if you want an actual step-by-step process of how to never run out of things to say, this is kind of like the cheat code to it. So if you're trying to be more open, trying to be more talking to people, it's a five-step process. The first thing is to just observe something in that moment. Like, hey, that's an interesting bracelet. Or when you said XYZ, you really lit up when you talked about that. Observe something about them. It could be a bracelet. It could be a necklace. Oh my gosh, I really love your tattoo. Observe something. Then ask a deeper question around that thing. Is there a story behind that thing? What makes that so exciting for you? They start talking about it. One of my favorite things to say, tell me more about that. What else? They just keep going deeper, and they keep going deeper around it. Then what you're going to do is after they share something about their life, you're going to quickly share something about your life. You're not going to talk for the next five minutes about it. You're not going to steal the show, but you're going to share something that makes them and what they just said connect with you. You're going to make some sort of connection. Oh, that reminds me of when... Oh, I totally get that. For me, it's XYZ. So you share something from your own life. Then number four is you want to reflect back what they said. So it sounds like that experience really changed the way that you see things. Oh, man, that's really powerful. I didn't think of it that way. Then the last part of it is to loop it forward. So what's next for you with that? What do you want to do more of in your life? Do you want to do more of that in your life? Then you just rinse and repeat. It's just about a five-step process to get people to keep conversing. You converse with them. They converse with you. You open up. They open up. I'll give you a couple of examples just to make this make sense. Let's say you're talking to someone at a party, and you observe something in the moment. You're like, hey, that's a really cool tattoo. What's the meaning behind that tattoo? They're like, well, I got this tattoo when I was on a solo trip backpacking in Europe. Then what you do, step two, is ask a deeper question. You got to backpack in Europe. That's awesome. Was that a big moment in your life? Was something happening when you got it? They tell you what it is. Three, share something from your life. Man, I've never gotten a tattoo, but I've definitely had moments where I wanted to mark the moment somehow. I did my first solo trip, and I thought about doing the same thing. Three, right? Don't steal the moment. Just a couple sentences. Number four, reflect back what they said. It sounds like that trip really shifted how you saw yourself, huh? Yes? Okay. Five, loop it forward. Do you think you could get more tattoos for future milestones in your life? You see how it just keeps the conversation going? It's like you notice something about them. You ask a question about it. You see how it reflects back in your life. You reflect back what they said. Then you ask them another question about that. Another example I can give you is let's say you're chatting with a new friend or a coworker or something. You observe something in the moment. Hey, you really lit up just now when you mentioned that side project you've been working on. Number one. Number two, ask a deeper question around it. What is it about doing that that really energizes you so much? Share something about your own life. Number three, man, that's how I feel whenever I'm writing. I feel like I lose track of time. Number four, reflect back what they said. It's not just like the project. It sounds like it's not just like you doing that project. It sounds more like what it brings out of you, huh? Number five, loop it back. Do you want to do more of that? What would it look like if you did more of that in your daily life? You see, it's these conversational tips that you're interested in them. You're talking about yourself a little bit. You ask them questions about their self. You can be a little bit more vulnerable. They can be a little bit more vulnerable. It cuts through this stupid small talk that so many people are stuck in. You don't need to be interesting. You don't need to have all of the answers. You don't need to research jokes or anything like that. You don't run out of things to say when you're interested in somebody else. You get that? You only run out of things to say when you're trying to be interesting to other people. You run out of things to say when you're overthinking or you're trying to perform or you're trying to control the conversation. Let go a little bit. Try to have some fun with it. Be yourself. Learn to open up more. Lead the conversation. Say what's true. Say what you actually feel. Then, try to actually compliment the people, get into the conversation, and notice something about them. Real connection is not built on polished lines and trying to seem perfect. It's built on unfiltered honesty, being curious, and really trying to connect with another person. If you do that, it will make you mostly never run out of things to say with another human. Hey, thanks so much for watching this entire video. Based off of what you've been watching recently, YouTube thinks that you should watch this video next. It is perfectly crafted for you to watch. If you want to make sure you never miss another video from me, click that button right there, subscribe, and I'll see you on the next one.