Steps to Transform Shame into Healing

It's 817. Our next guest is talking about how recognizing shame can be the important first step towards healing it and accepting ourselves. Joining us now is Dr. Frank Spinelli, author of The Shame Compass. Thank you so much for joining us here on Fox 5. Good morning. Good morning. Thank you for having me. Yes. And I understand you have this framework for Compass, which is an acronym. So break down how your childhood, I know you dealt with and overcame sexual abuse as a kid. How did it shape that framework that you talk about? Well, the Compass framework was born from my own survival. I was sexually abused from the ages of 11 to 13. And like most survivors, I didn't call it abuse for a long time. I called it my fault. I blamed myself. And that's what shame does. It takes someone else's crimes, their personal failings, and it installs in them and you and you see that as a personal deficiency. And you think over time that you are fundamentally broken. And I spent decades believing this, even though I became a physician, I actually became a trauma informed coach, working at Reframe with people. And then also, I put my molester behind bars. But still, I thought I was healed with therapy. And then something happened in 2020, which we can all relate to. The pandemic really shut us down. And then I realized everything that had been holding me together was suddenly gone. And I realized that the shame I was experiencing again was not actually indictment. It was information pointing me in the direction. And that's where the Compass framework came from. That is a beautiful realization that you came to and debunking the lie that it was your fault. So what are some of the biggest misconceptions, I guess, that we all have when it comes to shame and its role in our lives? Oh, well, the first big one is the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is I did something bad and I feel bad about it. Shame is identity. I am bad. And there is a distinction because with guilt, you can correct it. You can apologize, for example. The second is that shame is a sign of weakness and most people carry it around and they feel that it is a wound and it's a it's a personal failing. And the third part is that you can eliminate shame, which is impossible. It's it's not it's not something you can get rid of because it's an emotion. It's a human biological function. The goal and what I hope to teach in the book is that you have to be fluent in it. You have to learn what it's communicating and spend your energy working through it instead of trying to run away from it. You also delve into shame literacy. What is that and why do people believe is is more important than trying to eliminate it altogether? Well, exactly. You have to learn to be able to read what the information is. And when shame arises, most people do one of two things. They either collapse in it and believe everything it says or they fight and pretend it isn't there. Shame literacy is the third option. You pause, you get curious, and you ask yourself, what is it this voice is telling me? And more times than likely, that voice is not your own. That voice is someone else telling you something, maybe perhaps from your childhood and just like emotional intelligence, which we talk about all the time. Shame literacy is really recognizing and working through these emotions instead of being controlled by them. You know, when we speak about shame resilience, it's not about getting the tools to prevent us from getting knocked down. It's having the tools to get back up. Finally, I think you've already shared some of the takeaways from your book, but what will be a major one that you hope readers will walk away with? Well, I think the main one is that understanding that more likely the shame is not your fault, that you did nothing wrong, and that this was circumstances that happened possibly when you were younger or even as an adult. And fighting shame makes it stronger. Suppressing amplifies difficult emotions. Accepting it creates a space so that you can move through it. Wow. Thank you so much, Dr. Spinelli. His new book, The Shame Compass, you can get that and read more on how to identify and lessen and understand the shame in your lives. Thanks for joining us. Thank you for having me. Steve. All right. Listen, as we do go to break, we're going to take a look at the.