Angela After Dark: Why Estranged Parents Are Pointing the Finger at Children's Therapists

All righty, welcome back. Why are so many adult children cutting ties with their parents? A new survey shows one-third of estranged parents are now blaming their kids' therapists, arguing the modern therapy encourages walking away instead of fixing the relationship, having that conversation. Now joining us here on the Factor Uncensored, here we go ladies. The accused family splitters, the doctors of doom, the denizens of parental disaster, Dr. Angela Jones, Dr. Jasmine Boone, and Dr. Bernadette Smith. I like that. And we're kidding, they're all great, we love them here. So when you hear parents blaming therapists, counselors for their children walking away from them, not talking to them. Well that's deflection. They're deflecting from their own self and they're trying to find another person to blame, but I'm pretty sure the parents that are doing that, that's not the first time they've done that. They haven't first deflected at this moment, they've probably been deflecting since the kids were younger, and it's just a pattern that they're doing. And some parents are actually going to social media and actually doing the same thing. They're going on social media saying, hey this is what therapy is doing to my child, or this is what other people are influencing with my children, but it just literally shows what the problem is because you're doing that. And that is an effort by the parents to get to that child, so would you consider that manipulation? It absolutely can be manipulation. That is probably part of the reason that the whole dynamic between the two of them is dismantled in the first place. Because as good therapists, we simply give language to the underlying issue. The issue was there before the client walked through the door. We help the client name it. We help them explore the options, you know, and depending on cultural norms, a lot of people are like, you can't leave your mom, you can't leave your dad. We give the options. You can set boundaries, you can set non-negotiables, you can walk away. But at the end of the day, it is the option and it is the decision of the client. We just kind of help name the underlying issue. Could there be some bad apples out there, though, doctor? Bad apples from what angle? Like bad apples from the kids? And we've had this conversation before. Not every therapist is created equally, and that's why we have our code of ethics. But one of the things like within our ACA codes is autonomy. And those are one of the things that guides us as counselors. And so we are, we're not supposed to do any harm, and we're giving our clients autonomy. And just as Dr. Boone was saying, we are supporting our clients. If a client is coming to us and they're talking about a relationship that they're having with their parents, this is not the first time that this has happened. I actually was having a conversation with a personal friend of mine. They're in their 40s, and they just recently, about six months ago, have gone on no contact. So this isn't something that is like they just woke up and did it. They have tried, they have had conversations, and they realize that their parent isn't willing to take accountability, do work, hold space so that their relationship can grow. Because some parents don't ever evolve from parent into mentor-friend relationship, and that can be detrimental to the relationship as well. Is there a possibility, or can you guys tell, if the child may be the true problem? And you tell them to look inward, and your parents may not be the problem. Do you come across that? So when we say child... Because they'll frame a story where their parents will be the victim, and you will be the villain. Yeah. And as therapists, we are trained to listen to the story without becoming too biased in regards even to our client. We can hear what's happening in between the lines, right? But to be clear, when we're saying child, we're even talking about adult children. Yeah. Right? And so when we're talking about adult children, we're talking about other adults, we're not wanting people to cut their parents off as the first step. Cutting your family off or doing no contact actually should be the last step. There should be other things. And in therapy, we help you create boundaries. We help you find your voice. The inner working is what has to happen first. You have to feel grounded in yourself in order for you to implement these things in your life. Cutting someone off in your life that you've had for decades, someone who raised you, is not an easy feat. You're literally asking to be in grieving, to be in grief. And so this is not an easy decision. So no one should try to say, okay, I'm just gonna cut my parents off, and that's the first option. And for any of you, if a parent comes to you and says, I want you to mediate or form a bridge between me and my child, are you guys willing to do that? Or are you just the therapist for the child? So repair is absolutely an option, right? As long as both parties are willing to do the work, and as long as both parties feel safe to repair, that is an option. You all can come together in a structured environment to kind of comb through these issues. And if both people feel safe and want this reconciliation, it can happen. The parent just has to be prepared that if that adult child does not feel safe, that they may go non-contact. And what the parent has to do to create a safe environment, the parent has to do their own work. They can't say, I want to repair, and not do their own work to create a different relationship. Could you guys take both of them on as a client, or is that a no-no? We can do a couple. You definitely can. I mean, I think that you have to understand and tell them, you know, what the boundaries are, even in that kind of space. I've seen parents use therapy as a weapon as well, like, hey, I'm gonna bring my daughter, I'm gonna bring my son, and they're trying to use this type of tactic to also use it as control and manipulation. And how do you stop that? Do you step in and say, no, not here? What? Yeah, you do have to intervene. You have to confront it as soon as you start identifying it. Now, there are a lot of parents that come in, and they actually genuinely want to work on it, separately or together, because they are really actually wanting to do the work. But as a therapist who has been trained, and we have been doing this for quite some time, we're able to identify, okay, I see the manipulation, I see what's happening, and we're also hearing what's happening in between sessions to help us, guide us into what to do. And what would you guys tell parents in the last 30 seconds if they feel like the therapist is a villain in their situation? What would you tell them? Yeah, so if you feel like the parent is the villain, and you're saying that we are the villain. Oh, we're the villain. The denizens of doom. Yeah, it is just, I think you need to approach this with more curiosity and accountability, right? Because again, we, it's not our place to tell any client, yes, do this, lead this person. Like, that is just not ethical on our part. And so, yeah, it's up to them. And I think the villainization is less accountability. All right, thank you doctors for joining us. I could be a bad guy, I'm good. We've all been a bad guy. Thank you guys for joining us.