How To Be A Better Parent Without Yelling

Wouldn't we all love to know how to be a better parent without yelling? Actually, the yelling kind of spoils things, doesn't it? I've got five specific tips for you today. I think you're going to like this. One of my favorite things to coach my clients about is called metacognition. Metacognition is a made-up word. We make up words in psychology because it makes us feel smart. If we put it on a level, cognition is at this level. Cognition means thinking. Metacognition is a higher level. It's thinking about thinking. And do you notice that you can do this? Be careful with it. It's going to drive you nuts. But notice that you can think about your own thinking. Now, while we're in that metacognitive state, why are you yelling? Think about it from that level. Why are you yelling? What is it that's going on inside of you that has you yelling? As your awareness comes up about that, so does your control. Most commonly, yelling is a side effect of frustration or anger or sometimes just plain old habit. It's what we've been trained, taught, and educated to do. Maybe by our own parents. I don't know. Whatever it is for you, take a moment to connect with why you're yelling. Are your expectations being violated? Is this kid not being the way he should be? Is she neglecting something that she should be paying attention to? What is it? Focus in on your own reasons. And as you go to that metacognitive level, let's talk about five specific things that you can do to become a better parent without yelling. Number one, be clear about what you control and what you don't control. As you take a moment to think about that, you're going to notice that most of the things you're yelling about, you don't control. Is that true for you? Most of the things you yell about, you don't control. Because if you controlled it, you'd just control it and you wouldn't have to yell about it. Probably, you're trying to change something that's outside of your control. That is a recipe for frustration. Then, Dr. Paul, what can I do when my kid is... Well, there's a lot of things you can do. We want to make sure that the things you choose to do are squarely within your control. That's going to bring your frustration level down and it's going to make it less likely that you're going to feel like you have to yell. My second tip for you today has to do with your own emotional state. I want you to focus on maintaining a calm voice, a calm face, and a calm body. Calm voice, calm face, calm body. You'll see in the positive parenting playlist that there's a lot of videos there, two of which I invited my good friend, Mickalene Peck, to join me. And she is the one that gave me this idea. Calm voice, calm face, calm body. When you as a parent are in that position, you can solve anything. There's a lot of reasons why I'm confident saying that. It changes your own mind and it gives you the resources that you're going to need to be creative and to think about some things that you might be able to do. Calm voice, calm face, calm body. Got it? Let's move to tip number three. For this one, remember that children always have choices. Always. At the very least, they can choose to cooperate or not. They get to choose those things. For you as a parent, try this strategy. Give them two choices. There's always door number three. I know. But you're giving them two choices. Both of which you're okay with. One of which you control. That's why we hit the control thing right up front. Two choices. You're okay with both of them. You control one of them. So, an example. Let's say that your first grader is supposed to be getting dressed for school. Okay, that scenario happens sometimes. But your first grader is dragging her feet. She doesn't want to get ready for school. She wants to play with her toys. Two choices. I'm okay with both of them. I control one of them. Sweetie, you can get dressed and ready by yourself or I can assist you to get dressed right now. Alright. Do you see I'm okay with both of them? Am I okay with her getting dressed by herself? Yeah, sure. Am I okay with me assisting her to get dressed? Well, yes, I am actually. Now, if you're not okay with it, don't offer it as a choice. I'm okay with both. Which one do I control? The one where I assist her. What if she chooses door number three? No, I want to keep playing with my toys. Well, that means that the one I control becomes default. And I don't have to yell because I control it. As I walk over there and I start assisting her to get dressed. Do you see how this works? Let's do another quick example. Maybe with a teenager. Let's say that your 13-year-old is supposed to take out the garbage. That's his chore for the week. But he doesn't want to take out the garbage. He wants to keep playing his video game, right? Two choices. Son, you can take out the garbage on your own or you can hire me to do it. Either way is fine with me. Alright, I'm okay with both. Am I okay if he does it on his own? Absolutely. That's kind of what I was planning. Am I okay to have him hire me to do it? Yeah, that's fine too. Now, this brings up some questions and we can talk about this in another video if you want. What if he chooses that? Then I cheerfully go take out the garbage because he hired me to do it at my rate. I charge a lot. My kids don't hire me much to do their chores because they tried it. How do I collect that? Well, that's probably a topic for another video. Two choices. I'm okay with both of them. I control one of them. That one becomes default if they try to pick door number three. This puts you in a better position of control so you don't feel like you have to yell. You've got it. Tip number four ties into the things that we've already talked about. I want to make it explicit and just peel it out as its own tip. Separate the emotion from the discipline so that the discipline gets to be all business. There's no emotional attachment. Did you hear how I was presenting those examples earlier? You can do this or you can do that. Either way is really okay with me. You choose. When parents are smiling, kids are thinking. If you're all upset, well, you better do this right now. Then they know that they've got you. If you get emotionally involved in the discipline, it triggers something in their mind where they get this, I don't know, it's a false sense of control or something. Like, wow, I'm only eight years old and I can get that big person to totally lose control. Yeah, it's a false power rush. When you take the emotion away from the discipline and the discipline becomes all business, it puts you in a position of power as a parent and it secures your child. Children already know that they're toast without us. They know. Even in a little five-year-old mind, the kid's thinking, oh man, I'm sure glad I got mom and dad here. If they disappeared, I'd be in a world of hurt. They know that and they might not express that to you but they know that. So, you give them a solid stable presence that has the emotion and the discipline separated. Put the emotion into the relationship which leads me right to tip number five. Remember your job. Remember your job. What's your job as a parent? It's to love them. To love them no matter what and even if. No matter what and even if. It's not your job to make sure that they do their chores. It's not your job to make sure that they're happy. It's not your job to make sure that they are productive citizens. That's outside of your control. Yes, we're going to do what we can to put all of the resources in place for our kids to have all of those things. Your job at the end of the day is to love them no matter what and even if. Even if they don't do their homework. Even if they're not productive citizens. Even if they hate you. Your job is still to love them no matter what and even if. That probably brings a little bit of relief to your heart and mind because you know that you can do that from that position of feeling relieved and confident that you've got your job. You can back off on the yelling because you're already doing a great job. You're a benevolent generous loving parent. Your job is to love them no matter what and even if. Parenting is not an easy task. Thank you for being here, for being a conscious parent. Please share these videos with other parents who are looking for that kind of support. And if you haven't checked out the Parenting Power-Up, would you please do that? Parentingpowerup.com. We've got a ton of resources that are coming your way and it's an honor to be on your parenting team.