From Airline Rage To Adopting Broken Cats | Iliza Shlesinger

How are you guys doing? Thank you for coming out y'all. Fantastic. I am so excited and honored to be shooting my hour special in my hometown of Dallas, Texas. Yes ma'am. I'm so excited to be here, not thrilled with getting here. I have to be honest, I fly enough that I feel I have the right to say this. If you work for an airline, I hate you. Okay, I hate you and I don't want to hear, no my cousin Sheila's a real sweetheart, she works for Southwest. **** your cousin Sheila. All right, your cousin Sheila's a goddamn bitch and I'll tell you something else. The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring. I don't have an issue, thank you. I don't have an issue with flying, my issue is with the boarding of the plane. Has anyone else here ever had the misfortune of being stuck in boarding zone four? That's when you have a seat, you have a ticket because you're holding it but you're so low on the food chain it pretty much goes like first class, luggage, terrorists, maybe you. And they take such painstaking care to board zones one through three and if you don't fly that airline often enough, you are SOL in terms of getting on that plane because they are boarding groups of people that you didn't even know you could apply to be part of. We're gonna start boarding flight 556 to Dallas Fort Worth, we're gonna start boarding zone one, these are our first class passengers, our first members, our gold members, our golden shower members, our golden eagle members, our eagle face members. If you have an eagle face instead of a person face because you lost your face in some sort of horrible holiday turkey deep fry accident, you didn't have enough butt fat to get a nose grafted onto your face so you had to borrow one from an eagle so now you have a beak and you like to eat mice, you can get on the plane. Boarding zone two, these are our silver members, our silver star members, our silver surfer members, anybody likes comic books, you're a ******* nerd, you can sit in the back of the plane, silver hair, if you're old, hurry the **** up, silver spoons, if you like Ricky Schroeder, 80s tv shows, you were born early, well then you can get on the plane, silver bullet summer, no ma'am you cannot bring your cores light up in this bitch. Boarding zone three, these are our copper members, our copper star members, our copper topper members, anybody using a Duracell operated device, I don't give a ---- if it's a pacemaker, you'd turn that off for takeoff, copperhead, if you have a copperhead snake as a pet instead of a normal goddamn pet like a dog or a cat, you're like **** it, I'm gonna get me a snake, yeah, **** you dad, I'm not going to law school, I'm gonna go to art school online and learn how to draw dragons and manage a hot topic in my spare time, I love my snake, I'm bringing her to Thanksgiving, her name is Judy, wearing snake glove, I love her so much, don't touch me mom, you get on the plane and boarding's on four, you can go **** yourself. Now boarding all zones, I spend a lot of time traveling, spend a lot of time in hotels and as a result of it I watch a lot of TV, I think the saddest commercial out there has to be the SPCA Sarah McLachlan, seen it with the fucked up animals, can I tell you a secret about this commercial, it knows when you're alone, do you ever notice it only comes on when you're by yourself, maybe you're drunk, you're vulnerable right, and what's crazy is at first yes, you are sad for the animals but the longer you watch it, the longer your sadness kind of begins to turn on you and by the end of it somehow you just feel really bad for yourself, you're sitting there like oh my god, the cat doesn't have a face, I don't know, I feel so bad for him and I feel so bad for his cat family and I feel so bad for me, what am I gonna do, what should I do, I should, I should, I should get a cat, so you get a cat but because he's from the SPCA, like let's be honest, he's all like fucked up and autistic, just shits everywhere, like oh my god, what did you eat, goes through your stuff, he only eats the buttons off your good sweaters, you're like how did you know to go for the good sweaters, why don't you go for the crappy sweaters, why do you have such exquisite taste, gotta get rid of him because he's ruining everything, what do you do, you can't kill him because, because that's ******* insane I guess, but you gotta get rid of him, so what do you do, I'm gonna tell you, you put kitty in the car, you drive him to a neighborhood he doesn't know, you let him out of the car, don't worry, the SPCA will find that cat, I don't know if you've noticed they're in the business of secondhand cattery, they find the cat, they clean him off, they update his resume, he gets a job managing like a Chipotle, he's fine, all right, so in honor of that commercial, I have a treat for you guys, this is my cat, my dog Blanche and I adopted her and sometimes when you adopt an animal, you don't know their backstory, so for Blanche, I made one up, in my house, we pretend that Blanche used to be a dog prostitute, which makes sense because as you can tell, she's a little sad behind the eyes, but she clearly has no problem with you staring at her dog vagina, make it rain, shake it for the money, so in honor of that commercial, she and I are now going to do our rendition of it for you, here we go, that's it, that's it for Blanche, let's get serious, my dog is so cute, I want to hurt her, do you ever get that way? when something is so cute, it makes you angry, you ever get that way when something is so cute, you don't know if you can trust yourself around it, I used to get that way with my nana, she's like this tall and you ever hug your grandparent, push you down the stairs, you ever feel that way, you ever feel the urge, just what if I just, hypothetically, sometimes I get that way around garbage disposals, you ever just put your hand in just to feel the feel the fear, you reach the other hand over, you don't touch the switch, but you hover around, you're like what if I just, no, I don't do that either, it was just a joke, sometimes you get that way with cute things, like babies, sometimes babies are so cute, sometimes babies are not so cute, but sometimes babies, so cute, a fat little baby, but you can't because you won't be allowed around the baby anymore, that's for goddamn sure,