Taylor Swift Makes Everything Weirdly Funny Without Even Trying

All right, if you can't sleep in the middle of the night, what do you do? I go downstairs and rummage through the kitchen and eat whatever I can find. And it's really less like a human being and more like a raccoon in a dumpster. Taylor Swift has a way of making every interview feel unpredictable. Here are some of her funniest stories, reactions and off script moments. Didn't you just get LASIK surgery? I did. How do you know that? Do you take painkillers or anything when you do that stuff? They definitely give you some pretty hardcore pills after you. Yeah, your mom may or may not have videotaped you after surgery. Here's Taylor at home after her LASIK surgery. So, she found a snack. That wasn't the one I wanted. Stop, you can't cry. Don't fall asleep eating a banana, okay? I'm not asleep, my mind is alive. A family joke gets flipped into a campaign and the real targets are sitting closer than expected. But teens aren't the only bad drivers. In fact, many of the worst drivers are parents. That's why I founded Teens Raising Awareness About Awful Parent Driving. Or TRAPPED. Driving while singing along to a song you don't know the lyrics to. Let's build a love gate, see a love frame. Do you hear dubs, is it a pain? Am I in the way? See, maybe teen drivers aren't so bad after all. Maybe you should let me borrow the car on Friday. Honey, why is there a hidden camera in our car? Mom, mom! Get out, you're ruining my commercial! A serious awards show warning turns into a laugh test, where the safer answer somehow makes her look worse. And if you do win, you make sure you keep that Kanye off the stage. Okay. That was good. Bigger laugh, bigger laugh. A little too much. Yeah, now you seem crazy. The stage energy changes completely when a ridiculous costume bit asks everyone to commit harder than comfort allows. A gift meant to be sweet turns into a courtroom argument over what really ruined her day. Can I tell you a story about the cookies you gave me? I got really sick. You're lying. I swear to you. That's such a lie. I swear to you. Don't lie. Don't lie on the radio. I don't know if it was... Don't lie on the radio. It probably wasn't the cookies. No, it wasn't. Don't lie. But I swear to you, I got really food poisoning that day. No. So it was either that... No. I have put it down to like three... I'm not lying. I'm not saying it was the cookies, but I'm saying there was a chance. Are you allergic to awesomeness? Then a language lesson gives Taylor new toys and she finds the bluntest one immediately. What's some British slang you've learnt since living in the UK? Okay, some of my favourites are cup of rosy, chuff, knackered, gutted, taking the piss, have a kip, well-fit, I love it when somebody says somebody's a well-fit, wanker. Yeah, you guys are really fun. A gym story starts with someone else winning before Taylor explains why her own exits became a mystery. I was going to the gym. I walk in and there's a model, like a real one. And she's running faster than a racehorse would run. You know, 80 miles an hour probably. And not breathing heavy at all. She's like... I'm on the elliptical, which is kind of like... That's the lazy person's running machine, isn't it? And I hate it. And you can see in my face that I hate it. And you can hear that I hate it. And I'm like... She has this Italian boyfriend come in. He, I swear, leans over the bar of the treadmill and they start making out while she's running this fast. And I just wanted to be like, you win. You already won. You live in New York. I do. You go to the gym. This is a photo of you coming out of the gym. This is you coming out another day. What is going on? Tell me how this works. That is how everyone looks when they come out of the gym. I like to bring a change of clothes. Public teasing follows her backstage but she pushes back on the idea that everyone needs to protect her. People don't think that we're actually friends. Remember when you were, like, joking with me at the show we did about being sweaty and people thought that it was a greatly offensive thing? Yeah. It's been absolutely amazing having you in Swansea. We'll see you very soon. I think you need to have a shower now. I agree and I'm not offended that you said that. There's a lot going on and none of it's good here. People don't need to bubble wrap me in their minds as much as they do. A magazine profile should have been controlled and polished. Instead, the drive there became the whole story. Tell us about the interview with the Rolling Stone magazine. So when Rolling Stone does a cover story it's like, they hang out. You hang out with this journalist for a couple days. It's this journalist named Brian Hyatt who's the coolest. And, like, take him on a day. I'm going to rehearsals. It's normal. And I'm just going to drive him because that's what I normally do. And I got in two car accidents with him in the car. One was my fault. One was not. One was an I'm sorry. The second one was a you're welcome, I saved your life. And when we got sideswiped I think he screamed out something like I have a new baby at home! I went to go make a U-turn but I didn't have enough space to make a U-turn so I backed up a tiny bit. And then just like Did somebody hit you? Yeah, that's what that was. That's the sound of it. Then we go to the restaurant and I'm all shaken up. I couldn't believe I did that. So we're leaving and we're just sort of at the point where we can finally laugh about it. Oh my god, I got in a car wreck. Whoa! All of a sudden this car that was like made out of bits of five other cars it comes out and it's like and then it hits the side of our car it's like that. This time Brian's not like chill, calm down. He's like ahhh! The mood swings from real life panic to late night nonsense with one call pulling everyone into the bit. Are you in your jammies yet? Well come on out then! Okay, see you soon. That was Anna. Yeah, I know. Snacks for my tummy! Get in here! Get in here! You want some blanket? I do! I burn it! You want some blanket? I'm okay. Burn it! Hey, I was gonna tell you something. Hay is for horses and chickens and fish! Hit me three times and I'll grant you your wish! Three, two, one! Do you get it? An awards question tries to make the night romantic and Taylor shuts the door before anyone can decorate it. You're gonna walk home with more than maybe just a trophy tonight. I think lots of men. I'm not gonna walk home with any men tonight. I'm gonna go hang out with my friends and then I go home to the cats. No men allowed. Men get me in trouble. How would you describe what it smells like to people? There's all kinds of stuff in there. It's got vanilla and amber and freesia. Also notes of peach and also raspberry. What happened to your voice just now? Did your boyfriend like the way it smells? I don't have one! I keep telling you that! If I didn't and I was like, I don't have a boyfriend, you'd know I had a boyfriend. I for real don't have a boyfriend. I sit by myself and I watch Law and Order. A songwriting story begins in a normal room then gets interrupted by the most childlike tour request possible. We were talking to Ed Sheeran the other day and he was chatting about sitting on your trampoline and writing songs. We wrote several times and the first time that we wrote, we sat in a hotel room in Arizona and decided to write again a couple weeks later at my house in LA. And that's when he comes over and we're talking and we start writing and I was like, do you want to see my trampoline? I just got one. I'm five years old all of a sudden. Do you want to see my trampoline? He's like, yes. What is the one question you would like to be asked on this tour? Is there something you've not been asked yet? Don't make me do your job for you. She's got you. I'm not going to make you do the singing for me. Her fan connection gets explained like a strategy but the reactions sound closer to medical emergencies. Didn't you invite a lot of people to your house? Fans to your house? I heard that on the radio yesterday or the day before. So I wanted to give fans a chance to hear it before it came out. I wanted it to be these people who have been so dedicated but I've never gotten to thank them in person. I would go online, I would look at their Instagram pages or their Tumblr or their Twitter or whatever and just kind of watch them for months and months. So she said, should we be playing her album for us? Let me tell you, the noise that came out of my mouth was not human. I legit almost told Mama Swift to call me an ambulance because I wasn't going to make it. I love them so much because they always talk about dying. Yes, I died. They're like, rest in peace me, R.I.P. me. I died dead. That devotion leads into a much rougher kind of stage energy where the target is anyone trying to shrink her. They want you to be dejected and feel sad and miserable because they're not happy in themselves, are they, really? Well, look at them with the white eyes. I'm like saying, I had another thing. Suck them, Taylor. We'll go out later. You give me a call. They have a voice inside themselves and they fill it with tongue saying that we're ugly. The glasses were so genius. A simple lesson in movement becomes an acting class and the award is basically claimed before it exists. Can you teach me how to move like a cat? Go like this. Take your hand like this. Go like that. That was perfect. And then go... Perfect. That was so good. You see someone you hate. Perfect. Do it more, though. Arch your back. So good. Give him his Oscar. Thank you. I'll take it now. When the subject turns back to criticism, Taylor gives the cleanest reason for keeping the conversation alive. Almost every album you have a song where you address the haters. At least one song. I probably do have that habit. I imagine that I might have that habit, yeah. Why is that? Why sing to the haters? Well, when they stop coming for me, I will stop singing to them. That's an amazing gift. I know. I love this so much. It's so soft. I'm going to wear this every day that it's cold. A cozy moment does not last long because one tiny creature introduces a completely new fear. I don't want to go in. The music is getting better. The music is less scary now. Stop doing that. This is horrible. It's a horrible thing. Stop it. I hate it. Tell everybody your new fear. It's like a bug that I found out about called an earwig that has pinchers. I think that they crawl into your ears. They do not crawl into ears. Why are they called that then? Just because it has the name ear in it means it goes into your ear. What do they do with the pinchers then? The pinchers were made to go into your ear. That's why they did it. And they eat your brain. I saw a picture of it once and I just thought that they crawl in your ears. They're just earwigs. An audition story starts professional. Then the makeover plan turns meeting a co-star into a nightmare. Taylor and Eddie, you have worked together. We have. I was auditioning for two roles in Les Mis. I think it had been established that I had more of a look of Cosette but I had the range vocally of Eponine. So it was established that I was there for a good time, not a long time. They were like, okay, so we really want to make you look like Eponine. They were like, we're actually going to paint your teeth brown for this. And I'm like, so you're going to do that after I meet Eddie Redmayne, right? I'm like, no, no. This is just, everybody's going to meet you with the brown teeth and we're going to do big circles under your eyes like you're near death. I was like, this has immediately become a nightmare for me. I think when I met you I was like, it's so awkward. The next transformation is less glamorous by design with beauty advice that sounds more like survival training. So tell people what you were doing before I showed you how to become a cover girl. Getting drunk with strangers at a bus station. That's right. The next thing you need to know is how to look like a cover girl. First of all, you have to squint. Squint more like you're looking right into the sun. The sun is blinding. Right, right. Pouch your lips. Poof your lips out like that. Like you're trying to get a straw and someone's moving it away from you. Squint. Squint while doing it. Squint looking into the sun. Cover girls never walk. They don't walk. They trot. They trot like horses trying to avoid puddles. Don't get in the puddle. And you're angry. You're angry. You're so angry that you're pretty. You're pretty and you're angry about it. Squint. A character bit turns into a battle of nonsense and every answer raises the stakes without explaining anything. Hey, everyone. Why so glum? Annie, sweetie, not the time. Please? Yeah, watch yourself, Phantom. Had a hard knock life, okay? Someone steps to me, I break them. You know what? The month of June was actually named after me. And you know what else? Every night before I go to sleep, I take my feet off. And if I close my eyes real tight, I can watch Toy Story on my eyelids. So, what do you have to say about that, Penelope Ann? Before I go to sleep, my feet take me off and they go to bed. When I close my eyes really tight, I can watch movies on demand. I can choose whatever I want. It's free because I know a guy. My mom has six flags in my dad's bush garden. You know what? Let's go to the bar. I need drinks. Do not come with us. A romantic question gets a blunt answer before a fan tradition becomes the one business move she missed. And was I right when I alluded to the biographical nature of some of the romantic circumstances depicted in the song? Yeah. I wonder sometimes if that would be a deterrent if maybe a guy would say, oh boy, I don't want a song written about me. Maybe I'll... This is the third album that I've been doing this. So they had fair warning at this point. The whole friendship bracelet thing was pretty beautiful too, where people would make friendship bracelets and they would trade them with each other and they'd meet each other. They are the friendship bracelets. And it was kind of the sweet thing that the fans did on their own. We didn't like market this. This wasn't like a thing that we did or else I would have invested in beads. Praise from critics brings out a physical reaction. Then a music video idea somehow becomes a question of permission. Some of the reviews you got today for your album. Rolling Stone says, this is still an artist who likes to let it rip. Deeply weird, feverishly emotional, wildly enthusiastic. 1989 sounds exactly like Taylor Swift even when it sounds like nothing she's ever tried before. When I hear stuff like that, I just don't have any control over my body. Really? Do you get excited or do you not care? Oh, I care. People who say they don't care are lying. Everyone cares. Everybody cares what the New York Times and Rolling Stone say. We might do a little Parisian table or something with a loaf of bread and some grapes. You know, just some grapes. I can bake the bread. And you can do your bread. Can my bread be in the music video? Come on, that would be fun. Was there actually a moment you thought someone would be like, no, we can't use your bread? I'm constantly waiting for someone to tell me to stop. And I guess when you're the director of the music video and you wrote the whole video and you wrote the song, you can put the bread in the video. I don't know who I was looking to to make me stop. Wedding talk usually creates a guest list problem, but Taylor treats the bubble like it never existed. Is next year the wedding year? Is that when it's happening? Oh, you'll know. I just mean that I was going to invite you to it. I know it's going to be fun to plan because I think the only stressful weddings are the ones where you have a small amount and people are on the bubble. And you have to evaluate or assess your relationship with them to see if they should be there. I'm not going to do that. You're like anyone I've ever talked to. Thanks, Greta. There's no bubble. You'll be there. The final fragment is barely a moment, but it leaves the conversation hanging on one last beat.